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Venting Out Feeling Very Low

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Giri12, Jun 19, 2021.

  1. Giri12

    Giri12 Gold IL'ite

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    Feel lost and depressed
    I am 35 yrs old married living with father in law mother in law and grand mother in law. It was a intercast love marriage. I am struggling for infertility since 8 yrs now. Married since 11 yrs. My father died due to illness within a month from my marriage. I have a elder sister and mother. All my wedding preparation is done by me and my mother as my father was ill since 2 yrs and sister had second baby of 1 month. After my father died my mom insisted me to stay at in laws place while i wanted to be with her. Then we had plans about many of my first year celebation which all vanished dud to father health. I was doing a small teaching job and my husband was not yet settled properly. He was also in teaching Field and then he switched to IT field. It took 4 yrs so we started planning for child late. With all possible treatment it was not happening. Then he got onsite offer and we went to abroad for 10 months. I was not comfortable there as i am habitual of many people around me and also was very depressed to leave my college job and treatment. After returning we again did manh more treatment still no use. I even tried for 2 yr gap from job still no use.
    At home all are very dominating nature. Father in law is very strict. He thinks he is the perfect person on planet while mother in law thinks she is best cook. All decisions are taken by them. Nobody cares about my problems. Even nowadays husband also ignores me. Whenever i am at home i feel like suicide or running away. Somedays i dont even want to listen their voice.
    I was not at all like this. I am originally very talkative person good looking with smiling face.
    I even cleared bank exam by doing all household chores and job but unfortunatly got posting too away from home. I was worried to leave home and my mother as i am one who looks after her bills. Shd has her pension but she shares every aspect with me and not my sister. I am emotional support for my mother but never vice versa. She loves me but never shows it properly. She gives money but not attention. Shd never calls me to ask how i am. While i call her everyday.
    My sister also loves me a lot. But she always used me and my mom as care taker for her children. She has thrown tantarums whole life and still does. She is always unsatisfactory about not giving her proper attention and not giving enough gold in her marriage
    I have a sister in law too. Younger by me. Works in IT. Now married.having 2 yr old baby.
    I always got feeling that my in laws used me for all chores. Even for sis in law marriage functions we prepared everything at home. It was hectic but nobody appreciated my efforts. Even when she was at our home after delivery, my mother in law got fracture in leg and i was working so i used to leave house at 8 am by completing all lunch n all duties used to return home and do house cleaning all other chores and big indian dinner. It was hell. I really don't know how i survived that without any proper support. I feel very lonely as i cant express feelings at my mother or sister. I do have very good colleagues but still cant express all.
    Sister in law lives nearby so comes at our home very frequently and is extremely dominant like her father. I just cant tolerate her. She sits for her work in room and me and mother in law look after her baby. She also has tantarums and issues about not giving her enough gold. She says it every time she visits. We actually spend lots of money gave a reception on big garden gave her lots of household items still she is not satisfied. I am ded up of her and my sister. They just dont understand feelings of others. Why i need to tolerate them.
    When i see my in laws giving lots of love to sister in law baby i feel angry and sad too. If i had a baby may be the feeling will be different. I try not to get jealous but actually i am. She got more decent people and more respect and lovely kid. While i lost my career and baby dream. Now i dont have any courage left in me to start my career again.

    I want to stop running away from problems and get back to become my self on pleasant note.
    I just wanted to vent out this some place but i am open to suggestions on how you remained calm and composed during tough time. How you started your career again. How you stay happy always.

    I even tried doing meditation but its not clearing my mind. I do a bit of gardening but no major other hobby as i am a human slave kind at home.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2021
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Giri12,

    Your real issue is not having a child for 12 years. That is manifesting all other problems in life. If you are pursuing every possible treatment, that is the best you can do as it is beyond your control. Your mind is playing havoc due to this main issue you are experiencing. Your getting agitated about love that your inlaws are showering on your sister-in-law's child stems from this emotion.

    Your sister and sister in law asking for more gold from their mother/parents is their problem and why should you sweat over this issue? If you reread your thread, you have indicated your mother doesn't show affection and only throws money at you, your inlaws think they are the best in the world, your sister uses you and your mother for taking care of her children, your sister-in-law creates all kinds of tantrum when all of you look after her baby while she works, and your husband ignores you. These are the people around you.

    Your husband took you overseas to pursue his career and as you liked to be surrounded by people and you wanted to pursue your career back in India, you didn't like your stay overseas. You need professional help to overcome the depression and thoughts about ending life. When you are in that mindset, people around you should be more understanding and support you when you go through a treatment for your depression. But it is unlikely to happen based on what you have indicated in this thread.

    In the absence of this, you need to select the most important thing you like to pursue. Things like your inlaw's attitude, sister-in-law's temper and your sister's selfishness, etc. can't be controlled by you. You need to be frank with your mother about your expectations. You need to understand that you need to make some sacrifices to win some advantages in life. Frankly, your mind is all over the map and you need focus in life. If you don't feel like hearing the voices of your in-laws, you need to sacrifice your tendency to stay in India and move overseas if your husband gets an opportunity for onsite position again. You can pursue another career, continue your treatments, etc. overseas. But you should prepare your mom to be on her own before you make that decision.

    Take a piece of paper and write down your priorities. Let out all that is not worth sweating over and pursue a happy life instead of remaining in the current state of mind. You are the only one who is empowered to come out of the situation you are in. Be frank with your husband and mother about what you want in life and seek their support.

    I wish you very best in life.
     
  3. Giri12

    Giri12 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for reply. I know that having no baby is my big problem right now. I have currently stopped all the treatments about it as it was taking toll physically as well as emotionally. I am going to try to take charge of mind and will definately talk to mother and husband about this.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If your husband gets another opportunity abroad take it. You will be free of all outside influences for at least a short time.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Giri, I recall your posts from the Positivity thread.

    You have identified fairly well how you feel, what you are missing, what you want, and what people or factors are the main causes for this unhappiness and sense of being lost. That's a good first step.

    To deal with not having a job or a skillset to right-away start interviewing and infertility treatments at the same time can be challenging for any one.

    - Slowly reduce the "I am a human slave kind at home." The first few changes in the household's routine will take a lot of effort from you. But after that people around you will start to adapt more easily to further changes.
    - Make restarting career your focus. Spend at least 2.5 hours on that effort Monday - Friday.
    - Make meditation a way of life. Don't do it for immediate benefit. Paraphrasing from a book about habits: be a person who meditates, not someone who is trying meditation. For meditation to have its calming effect, for you to be more composed during tough times, it needs to be a part of your lifestyle.

    At a time when I was feeling a bit like you though from completely different reasons, the Calm.com meditation app and this mindfulness workbook helped. I liked Calm.com because the daily 10-11 minute guided meditation ends with a short message on topics I like. That mindfulness workbook was chosen because it turned up first in Amazon search and after that because it had this poem at the start. To make these the calm.com and mindfulness habits more regular, I read and re-read (and still read) "Atomic Habits" by James Clear.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Others have already given solid advice. To that I just wanted to add this -

    You do seem to be all over the place with your decisions. Of course we are reading what happened over many years compressed in a short para but still it does jump out.

    Baby or not is not in your hands. But it’s clear you are in a stressful environment and it’s affecting you. Start there. Look at each factor and try to see the positive in it. For eg, if MIL FIL decide everything then responsibility for those is also theirs. Let them have those headaches. You be mentally free. And so on. So in a way try to change how you feel about the things you can’t change, the fixed things.

    Secondly you are smart and diligent and able to get qualified and job offers but somehow you are unable to follow through to next step. As a result you are unable to break free. This you should work on. Feeling timid is natural but re-read your account and you will see how it’s constantly holding you back. Some amount of bravery and taking a hard decision has to be there. So what if job place is little far? You can’t try to have everything or please everybody all the time. To be able to take a good decision you have to decide what are your priorities what you can and cannot compromise on. If I were you I would pursue the job angle vigorously. The more you are out of the home and far from the daily circus, the better for you and the more peaceful you will feel mentally.

    But right away try this- everyday, every single day find 15 mins or half hour to do something only you like. Maybe something you always wanted but postponed or something you loved to do when younger. Do it for you. It could be anything movie, book, walk, favorite food but just pamper yourself. Clear your mind and wholeheartedly enjoy that. I don’t know why or how it works but slowly you will feel better and get the strength to tackle the tougher issues. Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sad to read your post of your getting into sorrowing phase in mid-life.

    Others feed back ought to give a king of relief though not permanent yet to tide over your present depressing moods.

    Your posts in positivity thread speaks of your bubbly nature which gives me an indication that you are capable of overcoming issues and solving problems.

    Under no circumstances you should leave the job.

    Your baby would arrive one day. That is not an issue for the present. Read story of @anusha . It would boost up your morale. Many got their kids after 35+. God would present you with best in due course of time.

    God You have nothing to fear. Be nice to every one although they are irksome. Ignore their negative remarks. Continue to talk in praise of every one.

    Retell the good deed that they might have done to others in the past. People love to hear their +ve deeds from others even if they consider them as their foes.

    Until then my prayers are with you.
    God Bless.
     
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  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Giri12,

    After reading your response, I am writing to you again to share somemore thoughts. I couldn't agree more that the treatments you undergo for a baby is physically and emotionally draining. I feel you have made the right decision to stop all treatment at least for now. If you decide to try it again, there are many ILites who had been through this before you and they could share their insight about how to manage to keep yourself calm while going through the treatment. I hope you have pressed the pause button for now.

    Among other issues you have encountered, I would focus on the following in the order of priority given below if I were you:

    1) Build a strong relationship with your husband where you can communicate freely all your problems especially when you get to a point to listen and provide constructive suggestions with genuine concern for your emotional well being.
    2) Have an open dialogue with your mother that you need emotional support from her. Do not combine your help to pay her bills with your emotional request from her. Please mention to her that you are doing it out of love for her. Similarly, make an independent request to her that her emotional support would help you to overcome your current mindset.
    3) After these two steps, you still feel mentally depressed and have suicidal thoughts, you definitely take professional help and involve your husband in this process. Sometimes, professionals speak with the spouse how he needs to support you when you make an attempt to recover from your present mental state of mind.
    4) When you feel really good, focus on pursuing an excellent career of your choice and that is the stage you can apply for various opportunities.
    5) As mentioned earlier, if your husband gets another onsite opportunity, pursue that vigorously to take a break from your current environment. Give him all support to make it happen.

    I am not a professional to provide solid advice to you but believe me when I say, my wife and I went through the same set of issues you are experiencing now in 1980s and 1990s. We had made serious of decisions and some of them, unfortunately, I can't share here.

    You need to build a lot of self-esteem as it got eroded not because you lack drive but because others around you have constantly attacked it. You have a lot of life ahead of you.
     
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  9. Giri12

    Giri12 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your great inputs. After reading them i have started feeling good. I will definately try to work on all of it.
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    You got great suggestions. Nothing much to add, still..
    * The main problem -: you dont have a life of your own and you're deeply unhappy. So build it. Its possible even when you are a home maker or professional. If possible, try to take baby steps if you like to have a career. Spend time every day to learn, update and network. Update your profiles in LinkedIn etc search for job. If there is a will there is a way.

    * Dont make your life around husband only ( one mistake many do by creating a universe around husband ) or his family or your family. Build your own friends and social circle. Try to detach from negative people and maintain a formal relationship with people who dont respect you or your feelings.Lower your expectations. Talkless and reduce interactions with inlaws or other people who put you down.
    * Dont think you are a slave, but think its your duty. You have to do so much , even when you live alone. Learn to say NO if needed and ignore. Don't take every thing to heart. Use your brain than heart.
    * Marriage, kids etc are just part of life, not your full life.
    * if your husband listens to you, communicate your issues with him in the right time and right way. Dont exoect that he is going to do so much to help you. Do you have good close friends. Talking to them frequently can help.
    * Focus on your health- eat well, excercise, do relaxing methods, have ' me time ". Love youself. You should be your top priority. Dress well even when you stay home.
    * if you need help with depression, consult specialist/therapists. Dont hesitate to seek help.
    * in some cases , hobbies or activities that are therapeutic can do wonders. In my case its gardening. Pets, walking , singing, dancing or even cleaning etc..can have lot of impact. It depends on the person. 'Mindfulness is the key'. So finsome e one you like.
    * when we are depressed and unhappy with ourselves, we can't make anyone happy or not even enjoy the surrounding or people.
    * no one is perfect . But instead of being negative we should ask ourselves what can I do to bring positively and enjoy our life.

    * Be positive about having a baby, when you take care of yourself in every way, it will happen in the right time. Many of my friends had babies even when they were in late 30's or early 40's. Keep going. But stress is not good for ttc.
    * Never compare yourlife with others, every one has unique path of life
    * Whenever you are down , think this way.
    I came alone, leave alone. I got this beautiful life for a reason. So I am going to make it better . I will never give up. Try to affirm yourself. Keep smiling for yourself. Even talking in front of a mirror or having a journal can help. Never expect that sone wonders will happen or someone will save you from distress. Do your part sincerely, rest is not in our hands . I believe it will be rewarded. Always think, how can i make it better.
    Hugs to you, takecare.
     

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    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
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