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Vent Post! Need Suggestions On How To Deal Money Issue With In-laws.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priyajagadeesh, Aug 29, 2017.

  1. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    OP, try to explain your IL's that you have EMI's to pay and that you have to save for your kids college and medical expenses.

    My IL's have pretty much spent all the money that my DH made before we got married. When I moved in with my DH after our wedding, all he had was the debts he made for the wedding and reception. He was 31 when we got married, so he should have decent savings. Till date, I cant seem to understand where all his earnings were spent as he is someone who just spends on basics, used to drive a 15 yr old used car and live in a small apartment. All his stuff could be fit into 1-2 suitcases. Which means he did not even own decent furniture. On the other hand, I have heard my IL's neighbors and friends and relatives flatter my MIL and FIL that they can afford anything in life and that they have extremely good sons who are ever ready to provide all luxuries to them. Thats when I understood why my DH's account was empty to start with. I explained my IL's that medical and college expenses in the US can break anyone's back, no matter how much they earn. I also explained them that we do not have the luxury of depending on our children in our old age just like they do and that we have to save enough money for our retirement and make sure we pay for our children's college as well. I gave them a rough estimate of how much it might come up to and then, they have stopped unnecessry expenses. Their demands for money have reduced.

    If possible, convince your husband to invest on something instead of keeping money in savings account.
     
    Dishaa likes this.
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The only solution for such issues is to be frank and straight.
    Your husband took care of both their daughters. Tell them you people have done your bit .
    Send them the money that they need for day today needs and say no for others.

    Your late sil's daughter has a father and she is hos responsibility not your husbands. I don't understand why Indian parents want to force the responsibility of their daughters and the daughters kids on their son...specially when there is a father around to take care of the child.

    Your husband can tell them that they can will their properties to all three children hence giving sil and sil's daughter their share.

    Do not invest in joint property. Do not make a property on ils name. Even if you do make a house for them to live ,let it be in your husband's name.
     
    Sandycandy, Dishaa and NeetaR like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Practically, I can understand the reason behind this, even though I am not an Indian.
    Quoting from my PIL's life style.

    FIL is raised to believe his FOO is much more important than the family he created. So, he spent 75% of his income (that too foreign income) to his FOO (namely his parents, sisters, their children, etc) until he retired.
    Meantime, his immediate family had their own needs, like MIL's health matters, children's education etc. FIL would share only a certain % of his salary each month, and MIL was expected to manage their living within that. In case of any urgency, MIL used to ask from her brothers.
    MIL's brothers have supported this family significantly.
    MIL's SILs (brother's wives) had a habit of asking helps from their FOO as and when they were in need. Because their husbands were busy assisting their sister's family.

    I think, i was the first one to break this chain.
    When I was newly married, PILs expected my H to spend 100% of his salary on them (their new house, their younger son's higher edu etc). When I interuped it and spoke about our needs (house, car, etc), they shamelessly blamed my FOO for not giving any dowry.
    They went on to blame my brother for not taking care of my post marital needs (like bearing hospital expenses of my child birth, my child's 31st day function costs etc).
    They blamed as if my FOO is irresponsible to let their daughter suffer!!!
    Sadly they had a strong custom and tradition behind each and every shameless thing like this.

    I think, in India the family means the FOO. And not the immediate family you created.
    It may take another 100 years to change this.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  4. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    You are right! The DIL is looked upon as a freeloader whereas they feel entitled to their son's earnings, in some families. The IL's feel that because they have invested in their son's education, it is not wrong to expect money from their son.
     
  5. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    This is the very common issue most of us experience, if we dont communicate the reality well and just project is "rosy" world to them. I would suggest that your DH should take the lead and keep talking to his parents about the things that guys are piled up with. Hopefully your in-laws will understand.

    Good luck
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This does not happen in all communities. Even in communities where daughters are considered a responsibility for life,,it is rarely as bad as your in laws. One has to be a very bad husband and father to pawn of all responsibility of wife and children to the wife's family.
    Your fil is a very bad husband and father and has turned his behaviour into a family tradition.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2017
    SGBV and Dishaa like this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Until I entered IL community, I thought the same too. In fact, that was the reason behind all my fights and arguments with my H's family during the initial stage of our marriage. That has lead us towards a temporary separation too. Me and my family thought that my H & his family was weird, bad, and very unique, that no such families live in this earth.

    But after joining IL, and after having familiarized with many stories similar to mine or my MIL's at some or the other way, I feel my FIL is not alone here. Apparently he has plenty of long lost siblings and cousins hiding in several places of India.
    Yup, the degrees vary depending on their personality. But the tradition remain the same. Some share 50% of their salaries with wife & kid, and share the remaining with their FOO.
    Some share 25% with their wife& kid and share the majority with FOO. Some share nothing, and some share 90% or whatever. But the point is, men are expected to take responsibilities of their FOO (including their married sisters) to some extend.
    It is ingrained in them, and nothing comes as surprise.

    At the same time, women remain as a burden of their FOO regardless of their marital status.
    There is this "Thala diwali", "first delivery expenses", "kid's 31st day function" etc..etc and the list goes on and on in the name of tradition. FOO is expected to cover 100% or at least majority of the expenses of these events, while the H can comfortably take a back seat.
    If they (FOO) fail, they are disrespected!!!
    This is in addition to the big & fat dowry on their marriage.

    Of course, I am not familiar with all these diverse communities of India. But at least I have relatives, friends, and known people living in the southern India. So, I can relate with them to some extend!
     

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