Vent Post! Need Suggestions On How To Deal Money Issue With In-laws.

@Brevity What you said is acceptable, but when it comes to the last point what you mentioned, they will not understand the expenses you do here, rather they will ask you why cant you control the expenses you do there and they can think that they are existing a lavish life there, whereas IL's in India were suffering a lot. May be.

 

OP - well, you have the answer right there. Just stick to it and be strong . All the best.

 

Convey ur in-laws ur financial situation . they will definitely understand. With out u telling them ur position , they might not know ur situation .COMMUNICATION IS THE ONLY WAY

 

You are a great soul.
Hard to see genuine people with such generous character.
Your H and PILs are really lucky to have you in their family.

Before analyzing your individual case, let us see what we have ingrained from our society in the name of culture/tradition etc.
These habits are ingrained as our morals and value system. They are interrelated, so you can't really speak about a particular situation here.

There are 2 issues here.

1) Male children are favored in the name of tradition. Their parents make their investment on their sons, hoping they will return the favor down the line.
This ultimately makes these elder parents with no retirement fund, and their daughters' with no self sufficient income/self dependence.
So, obviously these male children take active role in settling down their female siblings before they settle down in life.
Besides, their parents become their full time responsibility.
This is traditionally an accepted value, and ingrained in both male and female children while growing up.

2) NRIs show off as if they have money tree in their wine yard.
Many NRIs have piled up credit card bills, loans and debt which takes a life time to clear. But they do act as if they are landing from the heaven.
Their life style and choices during their 1 month vacation is what their FOO sees/understands.
No one really knows the struggle, the sacrifices, the hardships NRIs face in the foreign land.
Ex:
My BIL is a UK citizen, and he sends a lot of money to PILs as and when they request for.
There is no limit as such, because PILs treat BIL as their easy ATM.
Now that, their demands have taken a different turn. FIL asks, rather orders BIL to send money (that too in lacks) to his siblings /nieces and nephews for their marriage/education/medical reasons etc.
BIL questions a little, but then sends as needed.
PILs actually think, BIL has a lot of money, since he earns in Euro. They have no idea about his hardships, since he won't share them with anybody.
First of all, living in foreign is considered as a pride here. No one wants to lose that pride by speaking about their hardships there.
They maintain this crown by spending extra dollars just like that.

But my co-sis was brutally honest, and broke all the silence last time.
She said that BIL has a huge credit card loan, and 2-3 large EMIs to pay.
They are yet to own their house.
It is true that he earns in Euro, but it is also true that he spends in Euro and his life style has to match with that of Europeans.
So, he works from 5am-9pm and then go for a second job (business) from 10pm-1am. including commuting hrs
This barely gives him a break of ~4hrs per day.
That too, he works all the 7 days of the week.
Therefore, they hardly have personal time, family time etc.
They don't even talk much at home. Have a bad sex life.
They wait for India visit to treat their dentistry problems and other minor matters as it is expensive in the UK.
India trips are the only times they live their life to the fullest. So, they don't mind about the expenses here. Anything in India is cheaper for them, since their life style is very expensive.

They live in a 1 room apartment, with lots of discomforts.
They compromise on their own comfortz, so that their FOO gets everything
If the demand from FOO reduces to 50%, or less, then he could think of leaving his second job and rest. Or use that money for his own comforts.
If his FOO goes on like this and more, they will have to pay the prize by seeing their son in a desperate life/marriage down the line.
Many NRIs end up psychologically disturbed due to this kind of stress only.

Such a honest discussion changed my PILs to some extend.

If possible, try such heart-heart conversations about your real concerns

 

I understand ur co sis and ur bil because we are living like this too . one room n kitchen . My sil in other part of USA came to a place near our city but didn't want to visit us after we requesting her so much(at least for sometime, I know it is tough to stay with us with kids), stating my home is not fit n too small.Life in foreign comes with a baggage. But I have hosted guests (other relatives from both sides), I have managed. Any ways this gave me confidence to handle situations rather than feeling insecured as "will the guests be comfortable " etc. People in native will not know the plight of NRI, THEY ONLY KNOW THAT THE CURRENCY HAS BETTER VALUE. BUT WE SACRIFICE MANY THINGS. MY INLAWS HAVE A FUNCTION COMING. UP. WE NEED TO SAVE FOR THAT. ONE AFTER THE OTHER PRIORITY COMES. SAVINGS SHOULD BE DONE WITH LIMITED RESOURCE.