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Vent Post! Need Suggestions On How To Deal Money Issue With In-laws.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priyajagadeesh, Aug 29, 2017.

  1. priyajagadeesh

    priyajagadeesh Senior IL'ite

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    Little background- Happily married for 7 yrs with full time job and 1 baby. Relationship between my parents and in-laws is very bad, they fought right on our wedding day and my FIL didn’t attend our reception and they were not in talking terms for about 4 years btw mine is arranged marriage. My dad broke silence as my SIL got diagnosed with cancer and passed away later. Now they have ok relationship. I learned how to deal with this situation. My in-laws never spoke ill of me and treated me well.


    My husband is only son with 2 sisters. He came to US with 1 semester fees on hand and he completed MS on his own, cleared off student loan on his own. Before marriage he sent money to FIL for house expenses and elder SIL marriage. After marriage it continued and I was not bothered by it as FIL is a farmer and trying to make ends meet. 2 years after my marriage my elder SIL got diagnosed with cancer and her husband and SIL-IL started to treat her badly. So my IL went to stay with SIL to help her with treatment and all the treatment cost including the fair for taxi, medications, daily household cost like buying veggies are all done using money sent by dh. We spent a big chunk of our savings. I supported dh and IL thru this tough time, after all she is my SIL and was in terrible condition. This sending money got out of hand with my younger SIL marriage, dh was emotionally blackmailed to give up all our savings by FIL. FIL point is no one will marry younger SIL as elder one died with cancer at young age and was forced to give huge dowry or other choice was to get younger SIL marry the elder SIL widowed husband(its tradition in dh village). We spent all our savings to keep peace at home.


    DH is sweet gives me equal importance, we always makes decisions together. Now all DH relatives including FIL think we are making lot of money. I feel FIL is not thinking that we need to save for our future. In addition to monthly expenses from past 2 years he started to ask for car as its getting difficult to go around in two wheeler, need new home as current home is very small, need money to buy plot on MIL name and now latest is they want to buy a farm land adjacent to ours to give to elder SIL daughter(FIL promised SIL on death bed that we will give farm land to her daughter). DH said no to car and new home. My IL think that since my DH is only son he will get all the property and hence he is expected to take care of their expenses. I am fine with medical bills, daily expenses and occasional gift to SIL but not the rest. Note that none of the FIL property is in my DH name and all the farm land is ancestry property. I firmly believe that girls have equal right in property and responsibility.


    DH and myself decided to not invest any money in India as we do not have any intension of going back, well at least for now.


    Here are my problems:


    1. DH told FIL that we bought new house and IL knows we do not have cash, and still FIL asks for more money to buy farm. I do not understand why we are responsible for every money need at home be it 10k medical bill or 25L property deal. How to make them understand what we earn is our money and not IL’s and it is not ok to ask us money?

    2. How to handle this view of all property belongs to DH and that he is responsible for all expenses even though there is nothing written legally on DH name? Younger SIL is not working and tricky to handle, I am sure she will create fuss in future. I am not greedy and at the same time I want to be cautious(after losing 5 yrs worth savings I am not ready to risk anymore). I am asking DH to get at least some farms (equivalent of what we spent on them) on his name, but he thinks this will be perceived differently.
     
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  2. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    You haven't mentioned whether your FIL draws a pension or is still earning.
    My thoughts on this -
    problem 1 - Incessant monetary demands - this can only stop when both of you ( better if it comes from your H) clearly explain your situation. That you are not a money vending machine and you need to save for your future too. Living in the States is not cheap by any means. A midway solution would be to send a small amount( whatever you both are comfortable with) on a regular basis ( say once in a couple of months ).Ask them to either use this amount in one go as you send it or save it and use for whatever they deem necessary .

    Problem 2-Have your ILs themselves ever said that all the property will go to your H? If yes,ask them to draw legal papers clearly dividing up the property in 3 parts- your H's , SIL and deceased SIL's daughter and that you both will be responsible for your part only.If they refuse to do so now, then tell them that they can't expect your H to take care of everything . He will continue to help out (see solution to problem 1 ) but it's not fair to let him beat all the burden.

    Be ready for a little Cold War situation if you both decide to address the problems going full frontal. But that will slowly dissolve .
     
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  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    These kinda financial situations are tricky for any family.

    They can keep demanding for every little thing, but finally it's upto you (your dh in this case) to say yes or no. Understand that just because they ask, you don't need to do it.

    It's similar to our kids demands, they point to stuff n keep saying "I want, I want" n even throw tantrums, roll on the floor n make a big scene, just because he/ she assumes that you can automatically afford it no matter your difficulty. It's somewhat similar to that attitude. So lie or exaggerate negatively if you have to about your living conditions, job stability n financial situations continuously n with every demand. N come to the conclusion that they will keep asking n your dh just has to keep denying all the extra demands.

    Don't let it get to you, you just focus on rebuilding your savings.

    About all the ancestral properties coming to your dh after them, it's doubtful in this case as their needs are increasing, their responsibility towards the first grand daughter n your demanding younger Sil. Either the properties has to be changed in your dh's name or make him a joint co-owner or a 'will' should be drafted with a lawyer with all the details and how it should be shared.
     
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  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    What purpose does the farmland serve your SIL's daughter ? Is it not better to have a a fixed deposit or some other form of investment that will pay for her education ( and marriage ) in the future. I assume that your DH will be responsible for all those expenses anyways.
    Your DH is the one that should set boundaries now . It's good to help but not at the cost of your own financial future.
     
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  5. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear priyajagadeesh,

    U r a very kind hearted person, keep it up. As suggested by other members, one need to set some boundaries for all the demands.
    1. U guys r responsible for ur in laws medical or other daily expenses (provided they don't have any kind of other income eg pension/farming) not the extended families (SIL or her daughter) once or twice in life time its ok but not a regularly.
    2. 10 k Medical bill for parents is ok but 25 lakhs property investments or purchasing a new car or land for SIL daughter is something which should not be entertained.
    3. Ur DH has to take a bold & firm decision about the expenses part and end result would be ur relation with ur in laws might get tiffed.
    4. Also note: No sound minded parents (in today's scenario) will transfer their properties to ur husband or children's name.Will can be altered any time.
    Best wishes.
     
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  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't know what to say...other than that you are not alone.

    Most NRIs, "pay" the money to keep the relationship going but at the end, when the moment they started to hear the word 'no more', it will not be a pleasant relationship.

    'We' walk away empty handed and heavily broken heart from our parents/siblings/ILs.

    Nothing but an emotional blackmail, it happens all levels regardless of how rich/poor they are in India.

    Bottom line, cannot satisfy the greedy, they don't even consider 'we have a life', here.
     
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  7. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Poovai,

    Its not only about NRI but also applicable for people who opt to stay out from their home town.

    End of the day, the scenario is "Out of sight out of mind" only parents have some feelings for their kids & there after no one even cares. Property share is very far way...

    This is the scenario for majority (not all).
     
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  8. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    @poovai Ghar Ghar ki Kahani!! Sometimes it is very sad even after caring so much, in return we don't get anything other than complaints!

    Dear OP, @priyajagadeesh Be strong and kind .Do how much you can do.Be prepared they won't treat you the way you treat them! So secure yourself financially and emotionally. Be firm and say this is what we can do.

    @ Dishaaa very good quote "Out of sight out of mind"!
     
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  9. RohiniVenkat

    RohiniVenkat Silver IL'ite

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    Damn true... Not only NRI's are affected.. but also who have left native to manage their lives in other cities are going in the same boat.
     
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  10. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Inform your in-laws that you do not expect the ancestral property in your name alone as it is to be shared by all children equally. Such expectations will lead to discord with his sisters after your in-laws pass away. Do they want that? Legally it belongs to all the children equally.

    In my opinion, if your finances allow, buy a small car for your FIL, nothing expensive. Also, you could buy a home in your husband's name so that they can live there and later you can sell it and take the money abroad. I know you said about not wanting investments in india. But you could consider it to give them better quality of life.

    Never give money to buy land in anyone else's name. If you give, you should be willing to forgo others' shares. Stress to his parents on not wanting any bad blood between your sils and their children after their time.

    Do not fund your SIL regularly other than some occasional gifts.

    Like you do now, stick to essentials, health bills and may be a worry-free life for them. Assure your in-laws of that. But don't fund their excesses. Why does MIL need farm land in her name, sponsored by someone else? I don't get it.

    Also talk to them of your loans, living expenses and future major costs and your thinning savings.If they are not bad, they will take a step back when they come to know of the stress these financial demands put on you.
     
    Dishaa, sindmani, salad and 1 other person like this.

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