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Veg/Non-Veg issue with wife

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indusman, Mar 19, 2010.

  1. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    I can understand your situation.She first decided to continue with the marriage with the assumption that she will change you but this is wrong.If she was dead against these food habits she should have discussed about it before marriage.She wanted to marry you and now wants to mould you as per her wishes also.
    Anyway what is done is done.Remember never discuss past or parents issue in marriage.Just forget it.
    Now i guess sooner or later she will say "I left my parents home for him and he can not leave even drinking and non veg for me"
    When next time she says this just say "In love people accept people the way they are.They don't change them before they accept them..if they do its not love its selfishness" I think as far as i remember its Mohabatein movie dialog. :)
     
  2. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Here is a thought.. Bring your wife into this forum. Let her open up. Let her hear from fellow ladies.. and realise that it is not a big issue.

    You have not kept your food preference or social drinking as a secret. So I don't see a point in her fight.. If she is dead against those habits, she must have made it clear to you before marriage.

    Hope she understands that accepting her man as is, is a celebration of love!
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
  3. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Why did you not level set expectations before marriage? If eating meat and drinking was so important part of your lifestyle you should have made it clear upfront? Why go and marry a girl that you know is uncomfortable with both? Why not marry a girl that is comfortable with both?

    People change throughout their lives. No one can predict how they will change as time goes. Some people become orthodox and traditional, other people loosen up. As a couple this will not be the first or last time you guys will have to work things out. At the minimum you should like and respect each other enough to be sensitive to the others comfort zones.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
  4. indusman

    indusman New IL'ite

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    Hello all,
    Thanks everyone who took their time out to reply this thread.

    I realize that i am a married man and not a bchelor anymore. I dont want to live like a bachelor anymore. But that does not mean that I loose my fundamental rights of eating and occasional drinking. In other words, do all married men have to leave leave non-veg and alcohol?

    I spoke to her parents because she is a mama's girl (if this term exists), and only listens to her mother. At some point she simply hated me for not agreeing to her and I was feeling so left out. I realize that parents should be best kept out, but she is not an independent thinker herself. She is so immature that she doesn't realize that her throwing away my bottle was WRONG. She is not able to separate these issues form "expression of love and commitment", which is wrong. She constantly says that nobody understands her feelings.

    I am ready to give her time to change, I am not adamant on cooking non-veg when she returns. But I cannot give her my word that I'll never cook. I'll probably get a separate kitchen/refrigerator in due time. But she going crazy in India because I cooked here, is hard for me to accept.

    She is no alien to non-veg/alcohol. Punjab registers the highest consumption. There was non-veg and alcohol served in our marriage. My father doesn't drink but on occasions, we serve alcohol at home. Her father used to drink and eat non-veg, and he is a down to earth guy (not someone who used to beat her mother or anything). She only has a kind of a superiority complex of not eating meat or tolerating alcohol. She just wants to stand out from the crowd I guess. For her, a husband who drinks is a dominating husband generally, which I do not mean to be. I can understand her fears about alcohol in this regard, but non-veg?

    I have already told her the following:
    - occasional 1-2 drinks are actually good for health and not all people go crazy after drinking.
    - eating meat is perfecty human and natural, God cannot make 90% of his creation wrong.
    - In love, people accept each other as they are, not on any conditions of change, at least not by force.
    - we will enjoy our lives to the fullest, we'll go to places, we'll have fun but these things are draining my energy (which they are).

    Regarding control, surprisingly tridev (I want to go to India and I want to live for 2-3 months and no less (more at my parents home), I wont do this , I wont do that) has capture exactly how it is. She doesnt create a fight over this, but builds up a lot of emotional pressure.

    I did set my expectation clearly before marriage but maybe in trying to be nice (or liberal minded !), I made the mistake of saying "She need not cook for me". That is past anyways.

    I myself realize that time is a great healer. I only feel sad about wasting this stage of our lives on all this, and at points it becomes unbearable for me.
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    This is a myth that people who eat non veg or drink will be more violent or abusive etc, many vegetarians are like that too, very much angry , dominant

    Also you answered my question on controlling patterns, it does not matter whether she fights or not, have you heard passive-aggresive personality, if she shows her resentment that in itself is enough to deter you or cause fear in you, you would fear to do things out of the feeling that she will get upset, this is a form of control, anger is also a form of control but if anger is not involved even then a person can be controlling by behaving badly, like not talking, keeping distance, withholding affection, in all this there is no anger or fight, its attitude... which is controlling. So it seems your wife has control issues.

    PS: Also going to India for so and so time and to go to parents home only ,not considering feelings of the spouse in this matter, was implied in my question which you answered .

    To me it also looks she is stubborn, adamanant to the point that can make the spouse go crazy, correct me if I am wrong...

    I feel your first phase is to analyse the situation which you are doing by coming over to forums like these. Next would come a stage when you would have analysed about your wife and start feeling bad about your situation and yourself, that time you will get angry,upset if you try to make her understand but she would show no interest in understanding, the third stage would be to decide what to do and how to stand strong against the bully.

     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  6. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    You know who did not drink or smoke or eat meat and was very religious but killed 6 million people?
     
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Adolf Hitler ?

     
  8. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Bingo. Just goes to disprove the myth that somehow people who are vegetarians and don't drink as passive.

    Alcohol in moderation is good for you( 1 or 2 drinks a day) and can relieve you from stress and anger. I gave up eating meat because of my own choice but I sure do like my drinks LOL

    And I have no right to infringe on someone's right to drink or eat meat even if it is my husband or dad.
     
  9. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Dude, I think you guys need to work on your relationship first and have some affection for each other and develop some ways to resolve issues amongst yourselves.

    Eating meat and alcohol are only a couple flash points. The deeper issue is that you guys are not able to resolve issues as a couple.
     
  10. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    FWIW, Hitler's biographer appears to disagree per Hitler was not a vegetarian -- detailed article

    --
    Robert Payne is widely considered to be Hitler’s definitive biographer. In his book, Hitler: The Life and Death of Adolph Hitler, Payne says that Hitler’s “vegetarianism” was a “legend” and a “fiction” invented by Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi Minister of Propaganda. According to Payne:
    “Hitler’s asceticism played an important part in the image he projected over Germany. According to the widely believed legend, he neither smoked nor drank, nor did he eat meat or have anything to do with women. Only the first was true. He drank beer and diluted wine frequently, had a special fondness for Bavarian sausages and kept a mistress, Eva Braun…
     

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