Veg/Non-Veg issue with wife

Mithy I dont agree to the above... infact my DH was the one who was hiding alcohol bottles from his mom & MIL blamed me for spoiling her son :crazy.. It isn't that am a hard core drinker but I have tasted a few and then it gives a break from a regular life once in a while.

Its a big tabboo for people who have never lived a hostel life to accept the fact that people around them are different and they need space to be themselves.
No one can & should impose eating habits on a person especially when the other fellow is not forcing him/her to cook, or its leading to physical assualt (I mean trying to catch a running animal who may kick u back & then cook :rotfl), sometimes in arranged marriaged parents go overboard commiting on behalf of their child or assuming a lot from either their DIL or SonIL to keep their own child happy :coffee.

Indusman, if she cant stand non-veg/ alcohol & you want to continue the marriage then I guess you need a separate kitchen in one house :crazy.. maybe in the backyard... Many couples I've seen over years develop a taste for the other food but it takes time and a lot of patience for the person who's at recieving end.. best wishes to you :thumbsup!!

 

Indusman

I guess one's take on this issue would depend a lot on upbringing and background. If someone has been taught that meat-eating is unacceptable, and that drinking alcohol is immoral, then it would be hard for them to live with someone who did both those things. It's strange, then, that since your wife feels so strongly about this, that she didn't discuss it with you clearly before your marriage.

I must agree with ShilpaMa, Vidhkarthik, and Malavika before me who have said that you are perfectly within your rights to eat and drink what you want. It appears that you have been considerate of your wife's wishes up to a certain point, but she will accept nothing less than total abstinence from you. This is a control issue, and I can understand why you are so frustrated by her treatment of you.

Would it help if you explained to her (maybe showed her some articles, or got your doctor to talk to her) that alcohol in moderation causes no harm? If you are able to dispel her (probable) belief that alcohol is necessarily associated with drunken debauchery and eventual corruption, maybe she would allow you a little more leeway in living, and enjoying, your life.

She may also benefit from being exposed to social drinking - she doesn't have to drink herself, but if you took her to parties or other gatherings where guests enjoyed alcohol and didn't all start swinging from the chandeliers as a result of it, she may come round to a more moderate way of thinking.

Most importantly, I think, you need to understand her views before you can begin to change them. She has every right to not drink alcohol or eat meat herself, but she cannot impose that on you. There is a moral, social, and cultural dimension to her way of thinking (and yours) that you must discuss with her in order to bring about better understanding. After all, she is your wife and she must love you, which means she should have a vested interest in seeing you happy.

It's important to discuss this with her now, and create a mechanism for dealing with these sorts of differences. I would see this not as a single, stand-alone problem you have, but as a symptom of a deeper disconnect as far as your values and beliefs go. There are other, similar issues that may come up later as a result of this, especially when you have children.

I understand that in an arranged marriage, you may not always have the opportunity to get to know your partner thoroughly before the actual wedding. But you've got all the time in the world now to work on that. Discussions that start from a mutual position of respect, understanding, tolerance, and compassion go a long way in resolving issues like this. Good luck!

P.S. By the way, I would advise keeping the parents out of this. They may have been instrumental in arranging the marriage, but the time has come for the two of you to start working on your problems yourselves. The more people get involved, the less privacy you will have, and it's hard to build a relationship with someone with the constant presence of mediators, third-party interests, interference, and external pressure. You and your wife are individuals, and a married couple, not extensions of your parents. Appealing to either set of parents is not going to help you to understand or reach out to your wife.

 

Indusman,

I agree with the other posters who say you have every right to eat meat and drink alcohol if that's what you want to do. You even told her you eat non veg before marriage... if she had such a problem with that, she should have found another match. But thinking she could force you to change AFTER marriage is double handed on her part. It's not right.

Actually both me and my dh eat non veg and my dh drinks (I will occasionally drink something like sake or sangria). Not all Indian women, newly married or otherwise, have a problem with alcohol (in moderation). Like others said, it's a question of upbringing. It's all a question of control, and it looks like your wife thinks things should be her way and her way only.

Personally, I would be so annoyed with your wife. I don't know how you live with her constantly trying to control you and throwing out your stuff.

I think you have been more than tolerant. Tell her straightly that she is jeopardizing the happiness of her marriage over food and drink... and ask whether she realizes the damage she is doing to the relationship. Tell her firmly you will NOT be changing what you eat or your occasional drinks, and that if she has a problem with that, then she should have said so before marriage, and now it's too late, she needs to accept YOU the way YOU are. Let her know you are interested in building a happy marriage with her, but that it can't happen when she is constantly fighting with you over her culinary ideologies. Ask her to please let's move on from this issue and focus on living 'life to the fullest'. Reassure her that you will not be expecting her to cook the meat FOR you, and that right there is your compromise. Let her cry and create a scene or whatever, just be calm...be firm... and stand up for yourself in a way that she will understand you wil not be badgered down into submission by her (or HER PARENTS) views anymore. And believe me, given her mom's history of control on issues like veg/nonveg, I would not be surprised if she is egging your wife on to press this matter. If ever you find out for sure that her mom is adding fuel to this fire, you need to tell her to back off and stay out of these type of private husband/wife issues.

Good luck. :thumbsup

 

ooh, i was thinking i was one of the minority who feels your wife was being unreasonable here, but glad to see there are many who share the same. But we have other views also, so your wife feeling so cant be dismissed totally right?
The assumption part of being able to change another person when agreeing to get into a marriage is what is so fundamentally wrong with us people!

you have poured out quite sincerely here, any chance you can let this be known the exact same way to your spouse too? as everybody else advised, keep out the parents in this issue! its purely between you and your wife! i must have misunderstood, but is your wife still away or is she back from vacation? you both really need to talk to each other again. ask her if she just wants a puppet who has no individual liking and just says yes to everything she says. ask her if she wants a partner in her life or a yes man!
Apart from the food/drink issues , i hope things are great between you 2.
But is it possible as a compromise, you not cooking at home and eating from outside? or even getting food from outside? from what you say about your wife here, getting her to agree to have non veg coked at home is going to break your marriage, so do you really want that now?
But you both have seriously differnent outlook regarding these that i am at a loss of what compromise one can come up with!

oh, on a side note .. after my dad's open heart surgery, the doc advised him to drink a bit regularly . by a bit, i do mean a bit like a peg, so dont take this as a doctors advise to get drunk

 

Dear Indusman,
I support Malvika and ASG....Food and drink habits are your own and as long as you are not lying in a ditch everyday its fine.

My Case: I am a non veg...DH is veg. I don't drink and he occassionally drinks with friends or in parties.
We never interfere with each other.Infact he cooked non veg for me in and after pregnancy.He does not like fish smell so I avoid that in front of him.I eat it when he is out or when we go to a restaurant.

My Suggestion: Fix a day in the week when you can eat non veg and wifey can take a walk or go Shopping at that time.Spray room with Febreeze and make sure you clean utensils and kitchen with lemon.You can also keep a few utensils separate for you to cook.

If you want to serve non veg during gatherings....do it every other party and not on religious functions.

Same can be followed for drink.

hope that helps.
FL

 

OP Chad yaar, Not everything can be black and white before marriage, many people commit so many things before marriage they never follow it through, even if this was discussed and agreed what if something changes, is marriage a contract?, I dont think so. that a clause is broken call off marriage. There are core elements of marriage , one being not indulging in adultery. Showing respect to other person as a human and partner, to not abuse etc, Eating non veg and taking occassional alcohol is not a problem, moreover you dont eat or cook infront of her, she is out to India and kind of feeling betrayed if you eat or cook at home.?

What I notice from all what you posted, your wife and her parents will never bend down on this matter, for them the adjustment is your responsibility on this matter, I feel you already adjusted by not asking her to cook and you not cooking when she is with you, or not having alcohol alone in home, to me you look those humble people who are taken advantage of

However to call your wife controlling is not right just based on this factor alone, What about other factors, does she sound controlling in other walks of life, for e.g , does she decide when she wants to go where? not bother about your feelings? does she dictate what she wants to do , for e.g I want to go to India and I want to live for 2-3 months and no less, I wont do this , I wont do that.. kind of, if these elements are there, then she is dominant and controlling person

But otherwise I understand you feel controlled, but she may not be branded a controlling and dominating just based on non veg or alcohol issue, the others aspects in relationship determines whether a person is controlling too, for e.g not allowing you to put your points across, getting angry when you confront her with inappropriate behavior etc... , not able to sort things out through communication

Give some more inputs.

By the way welcome to the "Mens Club on IL"

 

Surprised with this comments, No wife? do you say all women are like that? What if a husband says he is not comfortable with wifey putting make up, applying lipstick, wearing jeans, these are personal preferences, if OP misbehaves with his wife, if his behavior becomes objectionable, if he is rude, arrogant and angry after drinking, then the problem is there. To ask someone stop eating non veg and alcohol even outside in restaurants is amounting to cruelty, its like taking the basic freedom of a person from his life to eat and live as he or she wants to.

 

Tridev, where are you from.....'United States'....So I am not surprised at what you are saying. Come to India and buy a bottle home. Not your wife, how your mom will react???

Initially when I came to know that my fiance would drink,I worried about his health and felt bad. But before I telling him, he himself gave up. Now I am absolutely okay with him drinking occasionally at parties. Even if he brings home, I won't stop him. He gave me the time to accept few things. Not everyone will be comfortable with alcohol especially in India. Thats what I meant.

BTW, I liked the way you said it. :rotfl

 

I bring the bottle home when my mother is here visiting me, she knows when I drink even when she is in India, she guides me , and I listen too.

So to take bottle home and drink in civil manner is a problem? but to drink outside in beer bar in India is not?

By the way I am living in US , I am not from US. I am from India.

I got your point , you said No wife would tolerate, that is what I meant too, why do you want to genearlise all women in India,? I have seen some women drinking in India more than their hubby these days, is it not true?

Anyway time to focus on OP's problem and not of entire India.

 

I think your wife is being unreasonable. However, thinking about it from her perspective, she's probably been brought up in an environment where meat and alcohol are grave sins and she might have simply thought that 'I'll change him after marriage'. Her inability to do so, and her thought that her husband in "engaging in immoral habits" is probably upsetting and scary to her.

I belong to a Sikh family and one of my cousins had an arranged marriage to a very sweet, simple minded, religious girl from India. Our cousin is a non vegetarian and drinks alcohol socially. When they were first married she was DEAD against it, to the point where they failed to connect on many levels just because she could not accept these habits (even though she knew what they were before they were married). It's taken her close to 8 years to come around. I dont mean to tell you that you need to wait a really long time before things change - I'm just saying 'have hope'.

He spent a lot of time ensuring her that these aren't vices they way she had come to think of them. He spent quality time with her and focussed on practically everything they had in common and could share together without bringing up sore topics. He took her out with friends (who drank) and she's come to realize that they are not bad people and that they probably won't go to hell over this choice.

It's just a matter of time, be affectionate, understanding, and do things together that are of common interest and she will come around. Don't involve the in-laws! you will open the door that you later won't know how to undo.

Good Luck!