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Valentine’s Day - Fairy Tale

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by AmulB, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all, my post could be random and more of a venting kind.
    I’m in late 30’s married and w kids, still feels like I haven’t lived well, or being loved, or feel content w a partner. Is unconditional love deprived by all women. Or is it just me, after divorce I felt, I finally met love of my life. I was again mistaken, feels like I will never find love and this life is just over. Is love an adjustment, or fulfilled w conditions to be called as,
    what’s the deeper meaning of love. Is it one cannot live without other. How come I never connected that deep w my partner. What’s missing, why am I not worth loving. We have two kids together and often fight over differences. I almost gave up, I shall accept him the way he is.
    No efforts from his side, when I try it feels like I’m trying too hard. It should be natural isn’t it to love or to be loved. Is marriage the reason for no love, u loose the connection w fights.
    But even before fights started, he never showed expression of love, it was like go with the flow kind. No Words “I love u” which I always yearned to hear, no hugs after coming home from work, no flowers, no dates, no physical binding like touching, a kiss hear and there maybe when In no fighting mode. I used to be the one who always showed, after many rejections I stopped from my end too.
    Is there a fix to this.. to me feels like he cannot love anyone, too selfish and even words he uses very scanty. Shows extreme love towards his mum dad siblings for them he has abundant. When it comes to me he has certain limitations.
    I have good looks and Carry myself well when I go out, at home I’m v casual care much on what I wear or how I look, does all this matter.
    Earlier I used to think he must be impotent to be not having feelings as to he never initiates, but after drunk he would convince me to get it when I’m least in the mood after his bad drinking episode. This viscous cycle is never ending.
    I Must stop expecting any change and accept he’s going to be like this for the rest of his life.
    I still feel could be some health related, he denies to accept or get checked. As he only does sx to get it done for his pleasure and rest what woman seeks from a man is all irrelevant to him. I tried telling many times I need connection and love to be into it, seems like he just doesn’t care. I am still struggling to find peace in the relationship. While looking at kids just doing the needful in daily basis. Life has become monotonous w same routine and no loving moments to cherish. A love less marriage here I am, again.
    What is a mans perspective in this, wouldn’t he want to satisfy his wife, doesn’t it touch his ego in this matter, for other things shows full of ego. Is he taking me for granted. Or he is just not into me.
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Today I got a e-postcard:
    upload_2020-2-14_20-42-26.png

    This airline ran a program (called Meet & Seat ) where a passenger might opt to sit next to someone specific (who had also agreed to have the airline do the match). :facepalm:
    I am not sure if they still have that program going. We may wonder where they got that idea !?
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi @AmulB
    Not sure whether you expected any response to this thread, since it is more of a vent. Hope you feel better after venting here.
    And I got confused with @Amulet's above response, which seems totally irrelevant to me.

    If your spouse is unloving, and not showing any kind of spousal emotions towards you, then it clearly says that he isn't into it.
    He isn't interested in you, isn't loving you and isn't wanting this marriage to survive or last for years. Simply, it shows that he is somewhat forced into this marriage.
    There are many men, who are emotionally or socially pressurized to get married. At least I have known a few of them in my circle.
    Such men don't have the spine to stand up or say NO. Some don't even know what they really want in a marriage/in a wife.
    Those are the people who end up fooling their lives and that of their wives.

    It is purely our destiny that we women fall in such traps. Not just women, there are many men who also fall similar traps and waste their life.

    But that's why divorces are meant for. If there is no love, no compatibility, no emotions then what is the point of taking this relationship further?
    Marriage is a gambling, and arranged marriages have the higher chance of having such compatibility issues since the couple's emotional/physical compatibility is the last thing parents or these astrologers match while fixing the alliance.

    Glad that you are out of this marriage.
    Age is just a number.... For many women, 40 is the new beginning and that is great.

    Limit your expectations. Try falling in love all over again. Don't fall on anyone with the purpose of having a relationship. This has to happen naturally. Let the mind and body go with the flow.
    Meet new people, socialize with many and also use social media. But use your wisdom, instinct and experience before falling into anything.

    Dont be desperate for love. But self love is important.
    If you are happy and content, that happiness becomes contagious. That's how you attract people in life.
    No one wants to share their valuable life with a cry baby. Just learn to be happy and content. The rest will follow you
     
  4. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    @SGBV Thanks for your reply, thats true what you said about some men dont know what they want in a marriage/wife. I feel same with my man... I cannot say 100% but to some extent, as he confuses me with good behavior and worst ones.
    To answer to your Q, I havent quit my marriage, I remarried after Divorce, after D I was least expecting or had any clue that I would end up getting married, as I was completely broken and was in depressed state. That is when I met my H and he chased me and expressed his love(first and last) towards me after couple of meetings, then I took time and proceeded.. all I saw was good behavior, good qualities and new hope/life he's shown me n promised so.

    Though this is a new thread, I shared another thread to seek help from IL with "Husband drinkin and threatening divorce" all the ladies have helped me guide through.. this is post, though not continuation but to get the idea of what i am feeling better to read my original thread.
    We have two lovely kids together, and its been a tough ride, 6yrs Dwn w all ups and downs..

    positives -- Good father, Provider, Responsible, good planner
    Negatives -- Heavy Drinking, Abusive, Mom and sisters Boy, manipulative, selfish

    We were happy since we met, no major hurdles until we had our in laws visited when my kid was born, they created all the differences btw us. Any elders would give that space btw couples when theyre going through the rough time, but they would instigate more to it by coming in btw us and gang up on me... when all this worked in H favor, he started using it as weapon to turn everyone against me, every time any fight happens he would involve them and my folks and show how bad i am and his folks would only add more to it. They already broke his first marriage w their involvement and theyre again after me.
    They keep feeding him all the nonsese against me like how i shall be controlled and to be listening and obeying to all in the family. Mil proudly encourages H saying hes a man he can get married any no of times and live in the society w pride, she must be forgetting, shes married to one, and her daughter is married to one, and if they could proudly do the same. While these two women are cruel and kick smart to have their H in their grip and tune as per them, with their magic they've looped im my H too.

    He drinks heavily, almost everyday and talks to folks all night laughing, giggling, bitchin about me, talking about how bad I am and how badly im raised by my parents etc, sounds funny, when hes all drunk and making conversations to them shows whos bad in what way, and whos raised wrongly.
    Hes a very good boy as long as hes sober, once drunk looses his control to his tongue and says whatver comes.. gets abusive, and nowdays hes mishandling kids too.. when asked to drink later in night or change to 2 days a week or limit, he would lecture me and end up drinking more and create more nuisance.
    He killed all the love, and we lack all the connection due to fights, he doesnt respect me, which is a major turn off.
    Walking out of marriage is easy, it can open to new things, staying and working on each problem will take its time.. I am still living in that hope I guess.. for the two kids we have.

    He talks v high about goals, achievements, Professional growth etc, not sure if he realize this drinking and dozing is not going to take him anywhere.. its only going to destroy what he has, hope he realizes before its too late.
    He manages going to work accomplish the task for the day and only look fwd to get back to his drinking, what kind of life this could be... as a spectator i get vexed and tired of this drama and gets to my nerves.
    I pick and drop the kids, do the daily chores, cook and clean for kids, feed the kids, getting them to sleep, bathing, all is done by me, he helps in the morning to freshen up kids and i head out... not even once he offers any help, or if i ask, he would bluntly reject or show frustration.. i am slowly trying to do whats required for kids, and focus on myself. I am looking for job after a long break, after a long fight he agreed to put little one in daycare and now im finding time to study and apply for jobs, i am so looking fwd to start working and escape this drama for sometime..

    My above post could sound vague or out of context, as i mentioned its a vent, I am still looking for a deeper meaning in a relationship w my partner, i wish i had deeply connected to him, where i dont have to say anything, as he would understand what i want.
    I am not asking for a perfect life, but a reasonable and normal life taht anyone can have, some love, care and inclination towards building a family and nurture w care.
    IF a person thinks wife as a replaceable material, they need not work on marriage, and behave as they like, thats exactly how im being treated right now.

    I wanted to delete the post but wasnt able to.. how to del a thread after posting.. Thanks!
     
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @AmulB IL only gives you a small time frame to delete your posts. After that it cannot be deleted and stays forever. I don’t know the reasoning behind this.
     

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