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Urgent: Need Help To Sort It Out

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rosegarden, Jan 16, 2019.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is my suggestion. Take what works for you. You know your mind best.
    First remove your hatred for husband. Anger is not going to solve any problem
    You cannot fix your husband by monitoring him 24 * 7. You can achieve everything you listed by staying married. If you want to remarry or want to do something life changing the divorce makes sense. Career goals will keep you engaged only for short term. Just define your boundaries like how he is doing. Treat him as someone who is there for your kids and not for you. In your case it is better to live as room mates for another 6 months with the condition specified by him. Re evaluate situation and see how you feel. First and foremost detach yourself from him . See you as independent person and take decisions accordingly.
     
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  2. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you. I am ok if he is not at home. Get perturbed when he is there. I talk only when needed. I have almost checked out of my marriage in my mind. Not expecting anything from him. How to emotionally detach from him.?

    I suffered & tortured me through some kind of attachment which I cannot explain, may be my traditional Indian mind set. Sometimes I feel I am in love with this marriage and not the person.
     
  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    How old are the kids ? If they are big enough (teens) they will feel the coldness between you and H.We cannot act long in front of the kids .OP , dont feel guilty about informing his parents .You did right. I was in similar situation and informed a close person of my husband. I had to share very delicate details with that person but I feel what I did right to bring back my life.
    Living under the same roof , with a detached mentality may help you for the time being.This may not be practical in the long run though.But you need to have time to heal yourself.Emotional well being is too important as you have to play the role of a dutiful and protective mom to your kids. Attain that first and let the separation take a back seat now. Once you clear out all the burden and emotional baggages from your mind , you will be in a better position to take decisions. Also talking to a lawyer ,calculating financial implications all can be sorted out one by one. Sign off emotionally from this relationship.Your H marrying second time or his future things are not in your hands. Dont think about step mom and all. These are all wild thoughts which is actually adding up to your present issues. Also do not worry too much about relatives pestering your parents on your issues .Again these are not in our hands and just concentrate on you so that you can calm down and move your focus on health ,career and kids.
     
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  4. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is million dollar question. Be grateful for what you have. From your post I can say
    1. Kids - not facing fertility issues . Good
    2. Career - Making more money than husband Big Yay no need to depend on anyone for your needs.
    3. Parents - Good
    4.No life threatening health condition

    Now only minus is this husband component of marriage. But tell me one human being who doesn't have problem in their life. It is just we all have different problems. Now your problem at least you can have some control over situation. So be grateful and thankful for what you have. Now take some time off and see what makes you happy. Before marriage what made you happy. There will be something. Keep digging try different things. This whole kids will get affected in dysfunctional marriage is way overrated. Kids will be fine. In this era they understand everything. As long as there is no physical and mental violence kids will be fine. Just focus on finding out your happiness. Don't waste your time thinking about this marriage. You are captain of your ship. It doesn't matter if there is tide or tsunami you get to drive your ship and take it to destination where you want. Your soul has bigger purpose than getting tied yourself to this marriage. Set yourself free. Enjoy the new found freedom . You will eventually find happiness. But for that you need to try something. Not thinking about that one whole in ship. You have power to re write how your story will end. Don't waste time in this smaller incident in life.You will find your RoseGarden .
     
  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Marriage plays an important part in our lives - in all aspects, the physical, the mental, the spiritual, etc. When we are in a bad marriage (and your's is a bad marriage, for your health and mental state), you are upsetting all the things that will promote growth for you. You can compromise all you want (fulfill his terms), but you will not achieve a good marriage, because there is something essential missing - and that missing piece is very difficult for people to describe. Part of it is trust, understanding, love, a general supporting quality within marriage - but it's not exclusive to just that. Your husband has broken your trust, and apparently, you have broken his...and no amount of talking about it, will reclaim that.


    You can decide to live a sham marriage, where it looks great on the outside - this is what our community prefers, because there is a comfort in knowing that everyone is paired off. But the thing about staying in bad marriages, you live with them, forever. When speaking to the generation that has already lived their marital lives this way, you will understand what they have given up, and it is usually a price I consider too steep to pay. Most of them claim that they are happy and have done the right thing - but the negativity in their marriages do slip into other aspects - including their parenting and expectations toward their children.

    You voiced concern about your health. Have you considered that living outside of this negative environment might help your body reclaim it's health?

    And you also voiced concern about your children. And in my humble opinion, children learn about relationships through their parents. They see this, and subconsciously draw it in, and find it acceptable for their own lives, even if they may talk so confidently against it. I notice that my own parenting is affected, because of the nonverbal communication habits I have with my husband - my son has adopted some of those characteristics.
     
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  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    I think you should assess how much worth it is to separate. Is he a bad father? Do you guys fight really bad? Men not having EQ is not a surprise at all. Most families have this problem but the women choose to remain silent. If you feel it is better for you and the kids to get out because it will reduce everyone's stress, then maybe you should take the decision. Otherwise it is usually a loss for all involved. In a way as @Rihana mentioned, it is better to not look at his phone. He will do what he wants anyways. It is really good that you are financially better off than him. That would be the biggest concern otherwise. In case he decides to ditch you, then you should be in a position to stay afloat. Rest of it, you please let it go for your own sake. You will have more peace if you stop thinking what he is doing behind your back. Let him go to hell. Children need both their parents, that gives them a sense of security. Of course, if the parents are fighting so badly that it is affecting the kids, if he is restricting your freedom and making you feel helpless, then you need to think of separation, otherwise let it remain in cold storage.
     
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  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    This is a predicament most women face. The woman loves her spouse to the core, but sadly the spouse does not have the same interest. Why can't she digest the idea of someone else? Because after putting a lot emotionally, mentally, physically it is disheartening and disappointing when the same feelings are not reciprocated. Of course, you wouldn't want him in your vicinity because his presence will evoke all the memories and feelings back again. That's why you make the decision for yourself. Don't look for other's opinions. It seems to me like you have feelings for him, but don't like his behavior. Think calmly and make a decision.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    @Rosegarden, why did you tell his parents? Did you gain anything by that? Did you ever acknowledge to your husband that involving his parents was perhaps not worth it? Did you ever try to read up about watching of rhymes-with-corn and masturbation? Why men do it. Why women do it. The differences.

    The intensity and frequency with which he indulged in those was not fair to you, but, did you try look into the various parts of his wrong-doing separately? Watching that, masturbating, chatting online with strange women with the main topic being sex, exchanging naked pictures, interacting like this with people he knows personally, are not all in the same level of wrong-doing.

    In your earlier thread, you mentioned "platonic affairs". Looks like there is no agreement between you guys on what he did wrong, and how wrong it was. You both still view it differently.

    Divorce when there was no physical relationship and no deep emotional affair and he is a good husband, father other than this addiction... you have to decide. And whatever you decide, you should not be judged.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2019
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  9. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    @Rosegarden: Each of us have different tolerance levels. what is acceptable to one one can cause pain to others.

    List out the possible options for you along with the worst case scenario (expect the worst to happen). See which worst case scenario is tolerable and decide accordingly.

    Whatever you decide don't expect life to be smooth (Ever) rather expect challenges before hand. It will help you keep calm when you meet with them.
     
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  10. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    @AppuMom , my kids are 11 and 7 yrs old. Yeah I dont regret informing his parents. They supported me. Thanks for sharing your experience

    @Rihana I agree that I didnt gain anything by informing his parents after the second set of events. I dint inform anyone else. I was ready of separation that time. They kept it with them upon my request. If I haven't informed them, he would have told some other reasons to them, now he cant do that. They are aware that I have been trying counselling also. He came to know about it only during counselling, it made him upset and negative. I think his demand on separation is just a reaction to it, I believe.

    I agree that there was not any serious emotional or any physical 'affair' or relationship except his visit to spa with happy endings only once,I dont know anything else, but I cant digest the idea that my husband interacted sexually in a virtual world with many women, some of them looked like his ex lovers from virtual/real world and also wife of a family friend. To me its cheating . If there was any serious physical affair or relationship, I would not have given him any chance. I know that he wont leave me or kids for anyone else as he is very worried about his image.

    @BhumiBabe , what you said is correct, kids learn from parents. That's why I tried my level best to get rid of negativity through counselling . Also to give him some idea about the damage done. Instead, he took it in a way that I am trying to humiliate and hurt him. If there was some empathy from his side after second set of events, I would have recovered well.

    @sarvantaryamini There is no physical or verbal abuse. In all these years, we rarely quarreled in front of kids. I have maintained peace in home very well. @CuteCancer Thanks for the suggestion. Being faithful to spouse is very important to me. @mangaii , that was very inspiring. Now I realized that I should be my first priority.

    Here is an update : When I asked if there is any chance to work on this marriage , he said he is more than ready provided I should trust him and not ask or question him regarding those past topics. He promise that he will be faithful and his priorities in life have changed. He said he was not doing anything wrong after second events and I need to believe him. He said, he like my pleasant appearance and appreciate the way I take care of kids. He said, just be that way, he will join. Finally he stopped his silent mode and is taking initiative to talk and interact with me. I consider it as my last chance to save this marriage and I am trying that to give my kids a normal childhood. I have also realized that my negativity was not against the person but was against the unacceptable things, it made me negative and drive him away. If he keep his promise, I can give a try. If it doesn't work or became very stressful, then there will be no other option. So for the time being I have decided to buy more time and reevaluate it after a few months. If situation improves, I will stay, if not face it. But like you all suggested, I need to detach a bit and live my life instead of focusing on him. Thank you all for your kind words and support
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2019
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