Urgent: Need Help To Sort It Out

I am a married (16 yrs) women with two kids living in USA . I have been struggling with trusting my husband due to his private life behind my back. I have posted about my issues here (Dilemma- Leave Or Stay). Here is an update. I felt like the counselling didn't work in our case. He agreed that there will be transparency and I can access his phone if I request it. I rarely asked for it. But I made sure I have access to it. My life was terrible as he started living in silent mode and its was continuing like this last four months. He requested another session on a counselling and was blaming me all the time for making his life horrible, for informing his parents about it. Finally he said he want to separate and he don't want to work on this marriage. Again I asked him is there any chance to work on this marriage. He said he is ready but based on so many conditions- like I have to be pleasant, don't ask question him and no access to his phone or emails as he think its his private space etc. He promise me that he will be faithful. Can I trust him as he refuse to be transparent? what you will do in my place. He don't want to talk with me on this as he thinks its stressful. I don't know how to sort this out without talking. I don't want to talk again in front of counselor.

I am so worried about my parents ( sick and old )and kids. I have tried everything I can to save this marriage. But I cannot accept his demand like this. I know that he can cheat me if he wants even when I have full access. But no access to his phone even with his permission make me suspicious.

When I posted it here all most all of the ladies suggested it is good to go for separation. I have some health issues too and I don't know how to manage everything alone. I dont have any family or friends here . If separation is the only option, what are the things I have to do. I have a big house which I cannot maintain alone. I can pay EMI if I want to. He wants to move out. What is best and practical suggestion. Stay in the house or move to another. As I earn more, I dont know I end up paying him money if I go for divorce. Do I need to agree with demands and see how it goes for some more time . I need more time to settle everything. I dont want to rush. The whole issue affect my career too. I am in a very confused state. Please help.

 

@sumalynux , Thanks for sharing. I have been living like that for the last four months. It is tough for first few weeks than get used to it. But I cannot provide a good role model of marriage with happy parents if I continue this way. I dont know how long one can live like this way.

Is it healthy for kids , I still dont know. If kids were not involved, I would not have given a second thought as I am independent and I can handle EMI very easily with my salary.

Whats best for kids is the question that make me stay and try again. I like them to have a normal childhood instead of shuttling from one home to another. He can marry again, i cannot digest till the idea of having a step-mom in their life. I will be staying single . So what I gain other than mental peace and more work. It is all about practical side.

I am also worried about the humiliation my parents may face from intruding relatives and people around them. I dont have to face that because I am in US. He is a good father. But not a role model (please read my old post). I am going through this emotional torture for many years. I am OK now and have a life with kids.

What is best for kids? That is what I am worried about. Stay or leave.

@Rihana , Thanks for the detailed plan. My accounts are separate, but if I go for divorce, the whole property will be divided . If so I loose money, I think.

Right now, I said I am OK with it. But I dont know how I can continue like that. I am very disappointed by my married life which ended within 100 days in true sense. I have this feeling that he is committed to himself than to the marriage. After the cheating episodes, I am struggling to forgive, even though I moved on. The counselling helped me to vent to became a neutral. The couple counselling part, I thought the counselor will stress how he can help to come back to life with his help. But the blaming game from his side and his inability to follow the suggestions to spend more time with me . I made of mistake of informing him that I have told parents about it after the second set of events. That made him very angry and upset. How long I can protect him ? I am ashamed of living like this, just for everyone. I am trying to forgive myself. Kids and parents are the only concern I have. If kids where not there, I would not have given this much thought. I dont have anyone to support here. My career is also affected very badly due to this emotional stress and resulting medical issues, surgeries etc. I am ok now.

Is there anyone who faced similar situation and living with husband ,separated, divorced (in USA) and managing everything alone ? Any feedback will be appreciated.

 

So far he is a good father. But not very expressive or emotional. For the last four months, we are talking only to the point. I realized he is not much mingling with kids. He said to the counselor that he is so stressed because of work and his life. If he live separately, I dont know how he will behave with kids when he is stressed. He can provide food and shelter , but not the emotional needs. If he is happy, he is good with kids, he will take care of them well.

 

If that is inevitable, I need to move on with my life that's all. I am not afraid of living alone as I am very independent. I dont have any plan to remarry. Being a reserved person, I dont know how it will be. It may give more time to focus on myself and career I believe. But I am worried about kids as hear stories on how separation can badly affect them, also my parents. To be honest, even with all this problems, I still cannot digest the idea of him marrying someone else. I dont know why I am not able to hate him to the core. But after divorce, I dont want him in my vicinity, only then I can recover fully, but its impossible as kids are involved.

 

Thanks, I have mentioned my issues in here (Dilemma- Leave Or Stay). He said he gave up all those habits for the last six years and is faithful, I dont have any evidence against it. I was not able to recover well as there was no effort from him to help me emotionally. Thats how I ended up with health issues and counselling. During counselling he revealed that I am still living in the past and my negativity is repelling and affecting him. My family don't know anything about it. I am keeping it to my self . I told his parents that I am going for counselling, they said they cannot accept what he did and said only I can make this marriage work. I am going to give some more time like you suggested.

Tagging here members who replied many times to my old thread
@yellowmango @SGBV @Sandycandy @peoc @kalpas @nju @paru123, @lavani . Thanks everyone who replied there.