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Upset With Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mirrorimage, Nov 30, 2019.

  1. mirrorimage

    mirrorimage Silver IL'ite

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    i am pregnant with a job and active toddler @hand ...he travelled for a month long-distance...fine --reasons were like he wanted to complete some training...write some certification and all....which he cleared...
    now as soon as he is returning he has planned another trip for a week-----
    for that one month--i had to all alone manage everything( pregnancy doctor visits,toddler drop and pick up and cooking and job)--- and i have cried in silence thinking atleast let him enjoy for some days--its always hectic with kids and job around-----
    now I am totally upset that he is insensitive and has planned another trip for a week which got to know from his parents--he dint even tell or inform me about it!!!!! ----
    I dont want to fight as soon as he comes home ---i dont know--there is many office work which are pending which i thought will get some help when he returns.....now I have realized i am just a door mat and people are stomping on me .I dont know what to tell him or how to make him understand---(he is egoistic---negligent in many ways....now i have started feeling he is being too selfish too)

  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    IL Forum members are known to advice the dissolution of marriage at the drop of a hat. And we had been called out on that in a site review board:frowning::expressionless:

    very often it is really helpful for many of us to know
    • Which country you are in - To know if you can get easy divorce or not
    • Do you really want the bugger out of your life, or just making fighting noises?
    Take a deep breath, think and let us know.

    how far along are you on the family way? Traveling hubby in first trimester on the second pregnancy can be pardoned with some effort.

    Best wishes.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2019
    lazy and Sunshine04 like this.
  3. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    First of all congratulations on your pregnancy! It is a physically and emotionally wrenching time and you absolutely deserve to be taken care of during this time. However You mentioned that “you have cried in silence thinking at least let him enjoy for a few days”. And then you mentioned that you did not know what to tell him. How about communicating more and better with him? I think he might not be aware fully of your feeling overwhelmed. Does he know that you had to have some office tasks pending that you were hoping to do when he comes back?

    Try talking to him about the challenges you face and are thinking about - think of your marriage as a team effort. If you feel that your partner needs to step up then have a discussion with him about it. A good marriage is all about communication. And do it in a way without attacking the other person. Example- instead of telling your husband that he didn’t do this or this right, tell him that you are having a lot on your plate and need help from him. Mention the specific ways he can help. And then give him time to think and respond.

    A lot of times we have conversations in our head or assume that the other person should automatically understand what we are going through. We are also responsible for the dynamics we create in our relationships. You need to learn to voice your thoughts effectively to your husband and to be able to discuss these things with him.

    take care And I hope you feel better soon ❤️
    KayKuyil likes this.
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Which country are you livng in ?
    Do you have family support?
    How many months preg?
    And is this a work related trip or your husband just taking a solo vacation?
    Would be nice to get info...
    If possible pls arrange good domestic help...would take some of your frustration away from doing everything on your own and you could relax a bit..
    You need to have proper communication with your hubby regarding this...
    I feel you express clearly you can’t manage and request him he will pitch in and help...
    I feel you show yourself to be super efficient and convey to him are a superwoman who can manage everything on her own and done require his prescience he would not think twice before booking another’s trip...in any case he should have clearly discussed with you in advance... managing a toddler and household along with office work is not that easy during pregnancy...hope it turns out well...
  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I think you live in abroad with minimum to no help from extended families.
    Given this situation, leaving you alone with child care responsibility may seem too much. But we don't know who are you or what are you capable of.
    So we can't generalize.
    It is always better to communicate, and especially communicate explicitly with H.

    My H thinks I am a very strong and independent woman, so there is nothing that I can't handle.
    Given such a situation, my man would always chose to go out (to training or anything) and wouldn't worry much about my survival during his absence.

    Contrastingly, my brother thinks his wife is incapable of living alone, hence she is a complete dependent. So, he thinks multiple time, even to step out of their house at night by leaving her alone. Many times, he has missed such foreign opportunities (and financial gains) due to this fear.

    Both myself and my SIL are equally unhappy about our respective husbands' assumptions about us, and their decisions based on it.
    Instead of crying in silence, we decided to speak out, that too explicitly with our spouses. You must believe me, it worked.
    My H realized that I am also an average woman, and I am tired of being brave all the time. I love to be pampered and cared by others, specially when I am vulnerable both physically and emotionally.
    My brother realized that his wife is not overtly dependent, and she is capable of handling things alone when she has no other options. Just that she needs extra support and some guidance.

    This way, we get what we want and our spouses have started to communicate with us every time before they decide everything about us.

    Speak with your H.
    He may think that you are a very strong woman, who has the capabilities and support to handle work, child and other matters alone when he is absence. Since you have been successful in handling all these alone all these while, he may have developed this kind of impression about you.
    Never mind.
    Talk to him. Share your anxiety and other issues clearly.
    Mention all your expectations like how you want him to stay back, support, assist with the chores and kid now etc...
    Let him discuss his issues as well, and see what you both could do.
    startinganew and KayKuyil like this.
  6. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP..all PPs have given some insightful take and I agree with them. Our current situations are slightly similar.
    I am 8 months pregnant and my husband has been in a traveling consultant job for years now. Most of my IVF appointments, pregnancy appts, I have been handling on my own along with working full time with an hour long commute one-way.
    There are two things here.
    1. What I am capable of doing
    2. What my husband thinks I can manage.

    Just as @SGBV has so cleanly articulated, may be your spouse thinks you can handle it. Mine does think I can manage and he also believes that I will let him know if I need him to be around more. Understanding both our aspirations, I know it’s imperative that I look at it more practically than emotionally. And my suggestion would be the same to you.

    As of now, don’t assume he is walking over you. Maybe he genuinely thinks you got this. Once he is back, let him know calmly that the month without him was pretty stressful and that you won’t be able to handle it alone. If he says he already has another week planned, ask him to plan on how it can be worked out.

    Bottom line is don’t go into the conversation with any preset notion of what he might be perceiving of you. My husband has more trips planned in this month mainly because he wants to wrap up a couple of trainings etc before the baby is here, post which he wants to start restricting his travel. Maybe your spouse has some similar thought process.

    Beyond it all, don’t underestimate your strength. Don’t stress yourself unnecessarily with assumptions, especially when you are pregnant. You got this!

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