Unwritten laws of indian marriage........

daffodiill · Aug 18, 2012

i like to narrate a point first "" When a small plant is to be planted else where from its originated place we naturally take some of the soil along with the root and plant it where we need ,so that plant can catch up the new soil easier and adapt the change more faster...Humans are so very intellectual in planting a small plant but THEY FORGOT THIS BASIC THING IN THIER OWN LIFE...the importance to the plant is not given to the GIRL/WOMEN their son marries..when a girl who leaves behind her parents and everything is not given enough time to adjust in the new home.""
Basically i feel this is the problem for every other issues that rises between a DIL and INLAWS..as i said plant itself needs its piece of originality why cant the living six sense women ??? how can we expect that newly wedded DIL must leave everything behind once she enters her new home.She would have have waked up in her room but the same day she has to sleep at a new house.Though she would have mentally prepared i bet this mustn't be easier to many.Before she could adjust new members,new home,new life partner everything she is blamme of not being responsible,not enough ability to be married etc etc..Dont you feel she must be given SOME TIME TO LEARN..dont you feel she must be emotionally supported by her inlaws as she has left her whole family behind and trying to make herself more able to live with them????

WHO MADE THE UNWRITTEN LAW THAT GIRLS MUST LEAVE THIER PARENTS BEHIND???:rant
WHO MADE THE RULES THAT SHE HAS TO CHANGE HER SURNAME??:rant
WHO MADE TH LAWS THAT HER EARNING MUST BE GIVEN TO HER INLAWS ONLY EVEN THOUGH HER PARENTS ARE FINANCIALLY WEAK???:bonk

WHO MADE THE RULES THAT GIRLS MUST NOT TALK WITH HER PARENTS AND HER SIBLINGS OVER THE PHONE??? (YES,DAILY SO WHAT????):rant

SUE THEM ALL........

satchitananda · Aug 18, 2012

Hi Dafodiill,

Very pertinent thread. Unfortunately people only think of their own selfish desires and do not stop to think of what they are doing to others in order to achieve those ends.

However, I do feel that some things if not all have changed to some extent.

WHO MADE THE UNWRITTEN LAW THAT GIRLS MUST LEAVE THIER PARENTS BEHIND???

This was probably made sometime in the past when men worked and earned the money and women stayed at home. So obviously the man could not leave his place and go to the wife's village/town. However, now that women also work, it should be acceptable for women to state clearly before marriage if they want to live separately, meaning not in a joint family.

WHO MADE THE RULES THAT SHE HAS TO CHANGE HER SURNAME??

There are many women these days who do not change their surnames.

WHO MADE TH LAWS THAT HER EARNING MUST BE GIVEN TO HER INLAWS ONLY EVEN THOUGH HER PARENTS ARE FINANCIALLY WEAK???

Be smart enough, have a bank account only in your name and tell husband/in laws that company deposits your salary only in your account with that bank. No one is obliged to hand over salary to in-laws.

WHO MADE THE RULES THAT GIRLS MUST NOT TALK WITH HER PARENTS AND HER SIBLINGS OVER THE PHONE??? (YES,DAILY SO WHAT????)

In this age of mobile phones, there should be no problem in this matter either.

While I agree that each one's situation will be different, there are something which can be achieved if one is a bit shrewd and street smart.
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tashidelek2002 · Aug 18, 2012

Things will change for the better when Indian women stop viewing themselves as possessions of family and families stop viewing them as possessions also.

eandian · Aug 18, 2012

Stop reporting every single detail of your life to parents...Basically behave like adults....Marriage will improve.

kylie · Aug 18, 2012

dear daffodil,

dont worry....things are changing. Good times are just round the corner !!

In my case, I think I have been plain lucky. Amongst the 4 rules you mentioned - I dont follow the last 2 rules.

As regards surname, I have kept my surname along with hubby's.

And as far as the first rule goes - I have left my parents behind but then he has left his too ...... just because their age does not permit them to hop all over the countryside with us on his frequent transfers. However, we do ensure that we spend most of our vacations with them.

I guess that makes the scales quite evenly balanced !!

love,
kylie

bhuvnidhi · Aug 18, 2012

Daffodil,Nice post.But changes are happenning slowly.Hopefully things will change over the years.

One modification:- Instead of "sue them all" how about "shoot them all"..I don't know how could some people come up with such set of rules and the whole society follows blindly and exploit the rules and regulations to suit their needs.

monita · Aug 19, 2012

daffodiill said: ↑

WHO MADE THE UNWRITTEN LAW THAT GIRLS MUST LEAVE THIER PARENTS BEHIND???:rant
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Let's face it. The son is considered important in religion. He is required for certain rites in the family, whereas daughters have no role as such in their parents' family. I think the foundation of this rule lies in this. I believe if we want women to be treated as equals, there have to be some serious reforms in the religions to upgrade the women's position in the society.

daffodiill said: ↑

WHO MADE THE RULES THAT SHE HAS TO CHANGE HER SURNAME??:rant
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I wonder in early days, women used any surname at all. Women were known as so and so's wife or dil or mother. The changing of surname must have been a british influence. Just a guess.

daffodiill said: ↑

WHO MADE TH LAWS THAT HER EARNING MUST BE GIVEN TO HER INLAWS ONLY EVEN THOUGH HER PARENTS ARE FINANCIALLY WEAK???:bonk
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Answer to this is very simple- the ILs. Not all dils give their salary to their ILs. So, if you have to give your salary to them, it's an exclusive rule made by them for you. Actually, there is no such rule. So, you don't have to follow it.

daffodiill said: ↑

WHO MADE THE RULES THAT GIRLS MUST NOT TALK WITH HER PARENTS AND HER SIBLINGS OVER THE PHONE??? (YES,DAILY SO WHAT????):rant
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The ILs again. Since, there were no phones in earlier days, the dils could only talk to her parents and siblings when she met them. ILs somehow believe that dils should ignore the advancement of technology and behave like it doesn't exist except when it is for the benefit of the ILs.:hiya
I think it's time DILs make their own rules to suit themselves and to let them to treated fairly by others. Whatever folly the rule makers did by making these rules, the even greater folly is to follow them. So, dils of the world say no to these rules. Behave like they do not exist. :thumbsup

Foundlove · Aug 19, 2012

None of the rules are written. This is just said or followed according to convenience. My solution, make our daughters stronger and our sons sensitive to women's needs. Only women can do this as we are mothers.

flowerlady · Aug 19, 2012

Changing name after marriage is followed round the world and so is shifting to DH's place ,nothing to do with any particular country as such.
Why give your earnings to PILs? Work out giving a share of your earnings to your parents and do not crib when DH does the same for his family.Same applies to talking , pay your own phone bills.
If marriage is so obnoxious, walk out or stay single happily.

DGcreative · Aug 19, 2012

Ok OP, I think most questions r answered here. Satchi answered most. So if u have to do any of the following plz talk about it before its late to change:
1) If u have to handover ur salary to ILs
2) If u r not allowed to spk to ur parents
3) If u r made to change ur surname. (Although its suggested in graphology that u either change or dont, dont keep both as its like both feet in 2 boats, imagine ur situation..)
4) If u state clearly b4 marriage about not
wanting to stay together n yet made to
5) If u r restricted about what to wear?
If there r any more to the list plz add people...