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Unreliable And Selfish Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 27, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Well about sleeping together, i mentioned that many times in the past and he himself has no interest in this. Our rooms are too small to join 2 beds together. But with 1 bed and crib, it is workable but since it is 4 of us and noone habit to sleep in crib, it is going to be squishy. Then, my kids have bad sleeping habits. Both of them, like on sleep on us using as pillow :-(
    Sleeping all together means no one gets sleep.

    So when 2nd kids was born, he started early morning workouts after pumped by a friend. I was so sleep lacked anyways with swollen eyes but he never noticed or looked at me. He never even held my son forget about taking care of him or me. Then my older one made it much harder. Anyways he will go for workout and she will suddenly wake up and scream like hell( seriously loud). Then she would never listen and he will never come upstairs to soothe her that he has to workout and she has to learn, so i ll lie next to her, inspite of her rejection/kicking that she wanted only her dad. Now better is - most of times that she does not wake up, or if she does, she starts watching TV or screams, cries and come to me and then i ask her to sleep with me or sometimes will go to him.

    Well these grievances will go with me and these wounds are never going to be healed. All I want is to be stronger and not to expect from him.
     
  2. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    aye aye . idiotic and stupid husbands, who simply ruin their lives and lives of their loved ones.

    reading your threads, i feel so sad and lucky . my h literally took care of my son first 2 years, feed/slept him at night even though he has to run to work early train. and my son also squeezed the life out of him.

    ok , not sure if this will work. but it worked for me. I got a white noise machine, actually it was a fan which made a lot of white noise, that helps my son when people move in around the house and it somehow gives a deep sleep to all. infact we miss that white noise if we go to a hotel :) .

    slowly train your daughter to sleep in the same room as you. learn tricks or whatever. also have her become as independent as possible .

    join gym which accepts kids care, take your little one and have him there. i know Covid. but too much time with kids also can be psychological dangerous, need some me time. or walk taking him in stroller for 30 mins to 1 hr. that depends on the weather.

    point you have to do something to take care of yourself mentally and physically.

    i do not know what else to say. i pray for you.

    yelling is not acceptable, if he yells, take a break and then calmly tell , if this yelling repeats, no work for house will be done that he needs. like food . kids will be taken care. he will think you are joking, but do the action in calm way for yourself and kids.
     
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  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I have actually started working out which has really helped me keeping happy. I am tired so do not get time to think much and stress much but there are times. He also knows if kids food is delayed i do not care. If he does not care, because he simply wants to watch, why should i. Stopped worry that she is not in class or not doing her homework .. stopped worry that she is watching 2-3 hrs of TV along with younger one.
    He will learn once they grow up and find their ways and will be hard for us to backtrack.
    When sitting in groups he easily judges our parents parenting, when kids speaks bad words or hits. He does not look at his own family in india or how good parent he is becoming ....
    My daughter has literally become devil. All bad things learning... zero patience
    Son is okay but older one is getting affected with all this battle. Hopefully she will make wise decisions when she grows up.
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    good you are working out. it makes a lot of difference.

    please do not give up on your daughter, this is not 1 day thing, where she will change . but since you are now the prime frontier . kids must follow the right path , plan well and have her follow the right ways . even if it takes timeouts and any other ways.

    whatever it takes , your children should follow the right ways you set for. even if you are the bad mom , it is fine. read and watch videos , how to discipline without stressing yourself. i know it is very tough, my spouse removed the locks of the door, because my son was watching video and locked the door during school time. he was about to break his IPAD and school chrome book too. :) he is 8 now. i now have taken over him. things are hard for me but calm at home.
     
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  5. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    would you be able to take your older one on walks with you alternate days? (I understand you need your time alone, but I really feel bad about the older one) Don’t talk to her about school or keeping her room clean or home work or anything during this walk. Try to forget about everything and just make it a simple, sweet time with mom for her.

    If she doesn’t want to join for a walk - can you incentivize her to come along? (I don’t want is cool and awesome for a 9 yr old)

    The pandemic is really hard for everyone - including children - their whole lives have turned around. And add it to a new sibling, not being able to socialize with her friends - I have a feeling - all her changed behavior could have been aggravated by these changes - that even adults are finding very hard to manage.

    This walk alone with mom, where mom is just there next to her - without your attention on work or the baby or the home - is going to help her see a happy mom (amidst all the chaos we are all in).

    I think this walk will be worth it, for mom-daughter bonding, even if you both are listening to your favorite stuff on devices.

    As I write this, I am getting a deja-vu. Maybe I said the same thing, a few months ago. Tied up to check though..so sending this.
     
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  6. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    +1 to this. all her acting up - is her young-child-way of "expressing" whatever she is going through. i know you are doing all that you can think of. do continue to keep an open mind.
     
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  7. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    So on weekdays for lunchhour its her classes and also weather does not give many days to walk. On weekends, i ask her a lot, but she wont'. So she get some phyical. She won't come out of her room whole day, only to watch TV. She is only 6. Then her room is always closed locked from inside. She keeps everything away. Even if she comes out of room, door will be closed and protected. If we move around on upper floor where her room is, specially my soon, she will run to come upstairs to check her room is son or anyone gone is. Its like OCD.
    If in her absence anyone enters her room or move things little bit, she sniffs it out and fights like anything.

    Her friends or friends siblings ( my son's age) are allowed but son is not.
    She has kept full control on all the toys even baby toys and buried them somewhere. I want to order new for him but feel like repeated since we have those and no one plays with those.
    Only 1-2 with somethng broken she would give him after long fight.
    I told her - I will put you brother for adoption, will move out with him..nothing works on her. Her room is exploding with toys.
    Even for classes, she wont let me in to her room.
    It breaks my heart that my brother seeks her, get so happy seeing her, wants to go her, but she suddenly screams why he is in her room and pushes him out...he gets scared. Infact hurts him.
    Snatches stuff from him.
    Then she says i now need to hurt or hit one of you. H role in all this, nothing.
    He spoils her by bringing more and more toys for her. Play TV to her. Not stopping her. Not asking to do worksheets so he can get calm.
    :-((((
     
  8. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    i am so sorry to hear that. it really hurts me to the core hearing this. but this is not good. she needs to learn discipline and respect. i cannot say anything , may other ILS can say, because if this happens in my house and kids acts like to me or my h, either of us, he or i will go and break the TV and will never get anything. locking the room, disrespecting the elder is not acceptable for any reason.

    but this cannot continue, your spouse is feeding narcissistic patterns to your daughter, and it is very very cruel personality behavior.

    be calm and plan well, she is 6 . she needs you to feed her. she needs you to take care when she is sick. Shie is not the boss. you are . but sudden changes will harm more than help. it needs slow persistent discipline.
     
  9. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    I am not sure a 6-yr old should have a room that can be locked in the first place. it sounds dangerous to me. (but don't go ahead and abruptly disable it, talk to her and convince her it isn't safe, take her "permission" before you make the change)

    such threatening won't work at any age - child or adult. it will make her hate more. and could only alienate her from family...:(

    this sort of sibling fights are extremely common from what I've seen both growing up and even now in my friend's home. the hitting does happen all the time. there is a saying - with 1 (child) you are parent, with 2 you become the referee. But it is in your hands to continually, at all times, be gentle. tell her positively how much you love her and how important she is in the family. (pls don't say it negatively: "you have to be a good girl, if not how will brother learn from you. Instead say it positively: I love how you ate your sandwich fully all by yourself - am sure brother is watching you and is going to try to learn from you very soon.)

    I hope you will do this:
    - never ever scold her in front of her brother. he is a baby, I understand. but she needs to feel important and respected and as the sweet sister in her brother's eyes (according to her).
    - instead praise her for the things she does right. (even if it may appear trivial to you since she has been doing this stuff for long - eating, dressing up, even if she completes 1 worksheet, show it to brother and says is absolutely beautiful).

    you have to be consistently positive for a long time, till you can hope to see her breaking out of her shell and warm-up again. (by the way you describe her guarding her space/her room, I feel that her room is the one thing she is holding on to as her security/comfort).


    she is perhaps in KG or grade-1, please don't get worked up about the worksheets. we are in the midst of a world pandemic! her life is not the normal she is used to. a few missed worksheets won't matter at all. but her happiness is paramount and figuring out what exactly is bothering her so much is the key.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2020
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  10. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    If you are on FB, please try to join the group "Gentle Parenting India" - absolutely wonderful group and mods there.

    Here is their intro (emphasis below is mine and I think that is the key problem here...)

    "We are a Gentle Parenting group. We have a focus here and that's Gentle/Peaceful/Positive Parenting. In Gentle Parenting, we treat/guide kids the way we'd like to be treated/guided. Our goal is to build a child's moral sense of right and wrong (conscience) so it acts as a guide to her behavior and the choices she makes. We believe all human beings are naturally kind, generous and compassionate, and when they don't act that way sometimes, it's because there are either unmet needs and/or overwhelming, big feelings in the way. GP methods consist of clearing the way and freeing up a child's mental bandwidth (by addressing needs/feelings) so she can access her good thinking again."

    After you are admitted to the group, you could start with their announcements page that has some links to the GP (gentle parenting) philosophy and podcast/book recommendations that adhere to this style of parenting.
     
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