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Unreliable And Selfish Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 27, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel over time, my H is really selfish mean man when it comes to his own family means us but to the world he pretends to be the best man. To his parents, he pretends to be very understanding and generous husband but when comes to me, he is like i do not have money to spend on you while both of us earn.

    1. In pandemic, his job is important.
    2. His health is important so he works out each day 5 am. It disturbs our sleep, kids wake up then again i have to take care of them. Then H after workout each day doing those hard workouts, get tired and cranky and screams.
    3. He always from morning to night, headsets stuck in his ears..really. Always. What are going to expect from kids when they grow up. On dining table, on bathroom everywhere.
    4. He does not want to do anything that involves kids or us. He will cook or clean but alone while watching something but not play with kids at all.
    While struggle to do kids chores ( cooking for them) and other regular chores and hearing their cries. Maximum he does when i scream, is put them in front of TV. My 1 1/2 yr has become addicted to TV because of him.

    5. If world end comes, I know he will run away from me. He is weaker.

    6. Anyone else - our nanny or our neighbour or his SILs or our friends are all perfect women and good. Whatever i say is wrong. And he is ready to put up big fight for it.
    7. He can really turn back like 180 in no seconds. Not talking about small things.
    For ex - now it is very hard to take care of kids and family and treating friends. If I say lets eat or caryy out when inviting friends. No.. its not healthy. When others say, it is perfect idea.
    So friends/family with kids come for full day. Lunch + dinner + snack. I asked should we use disposables.
    Since we have our 2 kids + infant to handle + guests...too much. Atleast for lunch even 5-6 plates for rinse and put in dishwasher will be too much. Then snack + etc plates. then dinner.
    Yes Yes. I confirmed 5 times a day before as I have to take it out and put in dinning room.
    Next morning, before they come, do we have even disposables? I asked.
    Why? we should us real plates. We have so many sets? Are they going in our grave? They(friends) always use real plates...uffff.. Now I told him - I clearly remember they never use real plates. Even for kids they do not. (We normally to kids use real plates for ease of use). No.....we have sets buried. I said it not about that to save sets but to clean up.

    8.Doing unneccesary things. He hurts me each and every day with small small things so much.
    I feel like i can not rely on this person for my life.
    We had our 2nd kid very late in our life when technology had taken over so nothing he or we do to pay attention to him.
    while sleeping him or feeding him this tc/technology has taken over us.

    Specially, he expects him to not to make mess, or eat peacefully all by itself or sleep easily without singing so he can listen to his headsets.
    what kind of man he has become
    9. In india, he nephew and BIL are same. When he goes there, he does not appreciateae his nephew always on phone or even BIL and praises his SIL always working one thing or another.
    Same thing is your family. Atleast SIL naps. I am always like working horse around the house.

    I just want to adapt myself to not to needing his attention or love or be bothered by his acts. But my daughter has starting sensing my hatred towards him or our problems and she hates me and acts same like his dad. And tells me 'no' for everything.
     
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  2. MULLAI62

    MULLAI62 Platinum IL'ite

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    When people hurt you over and over again, think of them as a SAND PAPER.

    They may scratch and hurt you a bit,

    but in the end you end up polished and they end up useless.


     
    sanjuruby3, SCA and NOW like this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    This is in the recent past? In Covid time?

    Either way, just the thought of someone coming over like that makes me shudder. The back ache at the end of that day, the mess in the house, the frayed tempers ...

    But why.
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Learn from him. Treating yourself as your priority is not always selfish its self love. If you dont love or make you a priority, why should others do that. This is the mistake we all do.

    I think your are becoming negative. It will reflect in your body language. Your kid is sensing it. So take a deep breadth,relax then only talk to her and spend time with her. No one wants to be around a negative person. Every one wants to be happy. Its simple logic. So do minimum, focus on things you love and don't expect others to make you happy. Most of the people don't know what they want, they know only what they dont want. Ask your self what you want and work on it. You can't wake up a person who is pretending to sleep. So set your boundary, express your feelings and change your response.
    If they dont care, dont pleade, focus on your life and develop a "who cares" attitude. Learn to say NO. They will get the message.

    Here is a guide that can give some idea.

    Download here! - 21 GOLDEN RULES FOR INDIAN WOMEN - An Experience Guide!
     

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    Last edited: Nov 28, 2020
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly. This jumped out at me too. No one should be entertaining anyone indoors at this time. If this is happening then there are bigger problems to worry about.
     
  6. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    @sanjuruby3, I feel sorry for your situation. But I would say, dwelling on 'Why' and 'how bad the situation is' will not help you.

    We sometimes get very busy with whining/cribbing about things and forget to try a bit to change/improve the situation around us. We channelize our energies in wrong direction.



    1. In pandemic, his job is important.

    So be it! He is earning for the whole family not just for himself. So, let go!

    2. His health is important so he works out each day 5 am.

    This is not bad. Better than many bums out there, who need to be pushed hard in order to make them understand the need to take care of their own health.

    It disturbs our sleep, kids wake up then again i have to take care of them.

    Try to have separate sleeping arrangements.

    Then H after workout each day doing those hard workouts, get tired and cranky and screams.

    Don't take it.

    Don't try to understand why he is screaming, don't try to reason with him and don't try to talk sense to him. Just tell him to STOP. Period.

    3. He always from morning to night, headsets stuck in his ears..really. Always. What are going to expect from kids when they grow up. On dining table, on bathroom everywhere.

    If I were you, I wouldn't mind breaking it or ruining it in ten other intelligent ways. Operating emotionally doesn't allow you to do this. For being devilish, you need to use your mind.

    4. He does not want to do anything that involves kids or us. He will cook or clean but alone while watching something but not play with kids at all.

    So, he cooks and cleans. Leave aside, if he does it alone or otherwise. He does something which helps you in a way.

    While struggle to do kids chores ( cooking for them) and other regular chores and hearing their cries. Maximum he does when i scream, is put them in front of TV. My 1 1/2 yr has become addicted to TV because of him.

    You take up the kids job and see if you can dump the cooking/cleaning stuff on him. You can allow him to have his headset for this.

    5. If world end comes, I know he will run away from me. He is weaker.

    You must learn to run. What are you expecting him to do? Match your expectations to the reality.

    6. Anyone else - our nanny or our neighbour or his SILs or our friends are all perfect women and good. Whatever i say is wrong. And he is ready to put up big fight for it.

    Make your point clear and leave the rest to him. Do not join the fight. He doesn't seem to see your worth.

    Unfortunately, you can do nothing much about this nor can you force open his eyes.

    Be yourself, be positive and be happy about who you are.

    7. He can really turn back like 180 in no seconds. Not talking about small things.
    For ex - now it is very hard to take care of kids and family and treating friends. If I say lets eat or caryy out when inviting friends. No.. its not healthy. When others say, it is perfect idea.
    So friends/family with kids come for full day. Lunch + dinner + snack. I asked should we use disposables.
    Since we have our 2 kids + infant to handle + guests...too much. Atleast for lunch even 5-6 plates for rinse and put in dishwasher will be too much. Then snack + etc plates. then dinner.
    Yes Yes. I confirmed 5 times a day before as I have to take it out and put in dinning room.
    Next morning, before they come, do we have even disposables? I asked.
    Why? we should us real plates. We have so many sets? Are they going in our grave? They(friends) always use real plates...uffff.. Now I told him - I clearly remember they never use real plates. Even for kids they do not. (We normally to kids use real plates for ease of use). No.....we have sets buried. I said it not about that to save sets but to clean up.

    Why confirming, asking, justifying ....??

    Instead, why don't you just say, "friends are coming over, go to the store and get __ number of disposable plates and ___ number of disposable glasses"

    What's the point if you don't have that minimum amount of liberty and authority? I am afraid, you are unknowingly positioning yourself under his control.

    8.Doing unneccesary things. He hurts me each and every day with small small things so much.
    I feel like i can not rely on this person for my life.
    We had our 2nd kid very late in our life when technology had taken over so nothing he or we do to pay attention to him.
    while sleeping him or feeding him this tc/technology has taken over us.

    Specially, he expects him to not to make mess, or eat peacefully all by itself or sleep easily without singing so he can listen to his headsets.
    what kind of man he has become

    Has this been his recent behaviour? During Covid? How was he in the past. Your statement makes me wonder.

    If this is a recent behavioural change, talk to him and give it some time. Do not take big decisions basing on temporary situation.

    9. In india, he nephew and BIL are same. When he goes there, he does not appreciateae his nephew always on phone or even BIL and praises his SIL always working one thing or another.
    Same thing is your family. Atleast SIL naps. I am always like working horse around the house.

    Did you point this out to him? You must.

    Once in a while spit out those unedited thoughts in your head right on his face. Some don't realise until told.

    I just want to adapt myself to not to needing his attention or love or be bothered by his acts. But my daughter has starting sensing my hatred towards him or our problems and she hates me and acts same like his dad. And tells me 'no' for everything

    Good decision. You must stop operating emotionally and learn to be practical. Gain control, you are the wife and the mother. Align your expectations right. Accept that a self-centered person never will consider your needs first. So, learn to take care of your needs and learn to say 'NO'.


     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2020
    Bubbles, SCA and Sweetygals like this.
  7. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    @sanjuruby3

    Can you please convince husband to agree to two reasonable requests:

    1. During chore time
    One parent takes care of one kid PLUS one chore

    2. During office hours
    One parent takes full care of both kids for 4 hours while the other parent gets their deep work done. (doesn't have to be a 4 hour continuous slot though)
    The rest of the time, you all have to multiplex


    Just the expectation that you have to be responsible for two kids, cooking, cleaning and office work - seems completely unfair and just impossible.
     
  8. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    thank you so much for your wisdom... I loved what you said :)
     
  9. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    So we both have meetings in between and his job pofile - he always has meetings so it is me most of this times. However lately he started contributing more for younger one during work hours but then he is short of patience and again needs my direction and ultimatly i need to pick up the infants chores as he gives up.
    If I have meeting, my kids or infant is still always around, no one stops him. If he has meeting even if silent one, he expects me to take them away. I hate that part.
    I have been asking him i need to go out for short time during these holidays but could not so sunday i went and did grocery and my shopping and had to hear a lot. Whenever i go out, he loses his temper because he has to take care of kids. but in his case, he wants to go out at friends place, drink for hours and may be sleep over and went for movies so many times ( before pandemic) for easily 3hrs hindi movie + distance while me struggling with both.

    I do not have problem with him working out. Just that he is over doing and then getting cranky. I cook, he won't eat that dieting.
    Yes, we have different sleeping arrangements but one kid sleeps with him and when early morning still dark like 5 am, they find no one around raise the hell and do not go to sleep. Older one is super drama, first she will cry like something happened and will not come to my bedroom to sleep next to me, but want me to come there. But infant starts crying. I feel so split up. Other times, if its not dark like 6/7 am she will sneak out to watch TV....
    If infant is sleeping with him, he will anyways wake up and do drama and if i bring him to my room, older one fights, i want to sleep next to you etc and in the process, sleep is gone.

    Yes I have gotten much better in few weeks. No matter what, I go for walk, even if it is our tea time or kids milk time or daughter is watching TV for 2 hrs or did not eat her breakfast or lunch at all. I just let it go. I have been ignoring her these days a lot. Paying attention means i will try to stop her from TV or ask her to do worksheets or ask he to eat food...and she says 'no' i will not and again battle starts.
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    you have got good inputs , i do not have much to say other than workout.

    Can he workout in the evening, like 6 onwards. my H used to follow in the morning when my 2nd was born, then seeing i was so sleep deprived, he stopped. that helped me lot to catch that extra 2hrs of deep sleep - 5-7 am. trust me it makes a huge difference in your mood and physical strength during the whole day.

    ok, he just wants to live like a bachelor while enjoyin the married life status. not good.

    also you need to work together on sleeping together. it is not good to have couple sleep separately. kids can be put in crib and soon will pass the pain period of sleeping alone.
     

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