Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Malyatha, May 29, 2009.
Sorry, Anuradha, I did not know how to get a part as quote. It came out as the full post quote.
Hi Anuradha, I have read in several of your posts, putting your SIL in bad light.. Why are you so strongly judgemental of her.. May be her side of the story is entirely different from yours.. Give some space for her to come up with her pain areas.. Simply dont label her as an abuser, if she is only trying to secure herself and her family..
Read my post again.. I said there must be some reason for the girl not to accept her in-laws.. Dont make a sweeping wrong assumption of my statement.. A sane person simply wont dislike anyone for no reason.. There must be a valid convincing reason to dislike someone..
Oh please!!.. I believe the husband is a sane grown up adult to commit in a marriage.. He need not tolerate any abuse from his wife.. He always has the option of divorce/separation if it gets over his head.. Dont potray them as victims.. They are in no way victims.. Men need not feel torn, prior to marriage they always had the option to serve their Godly parents for their entire life..
If they decide to get married, then they should show equal commitment to the marriage..
People have it because it is the majority.. People cant have false assumptions on the majority
I'll show you the logic in your brother's story.. Which on and off, you post here.. When you are bad mouthing her so much on an online forum, how much you could have tormented her in reality, i can imagine..
Lady, you only once told me that in olden days only married couple would stay with in-laws.. In these modern times they stay separately and the idea that women leave their parents after marriage is flawed.. Even the man leaves his parents as much as his wife..
Why is not applied in this case.. Why is your SIL asked to live with your parents.. As well you blame her for making long faces.. Who are you to talk like that about her?.. Did you ever try to know why she was upset?..
She did the right thing by asking her husband not to get involved in their business.. Had the business failed, she and her children would have suffered badly.. Good she told him to stay out of that, atleast now she is leading financially stable life and is able to secure her children..
Please put a hold on it.. Your brother is matured enough and knows how much and how often he needs to intereact with whom.. Why are you playing the spoil sport by spying on her, how often she visits her parents.. It all depends on their comfort level.. May be your brother felt fine meeting your parents once and she felt fine meeting her parents more often..
Did she have a baby by then?.. The reason i'm asking is, it is way better to stay near parents when you have a small baby.. There will be so much of support in terms of helping in household stuff, shopping groceries, to taking care of house when sick or when baby falls sick.. Is is a working woman?.. If yes, then it would a greatly beneficial to have parents nearby..
And why does she start fighting?.. Because you guys must have ignored her and might not even have asked how she is doing.. or hurt her in some way.. It is so easy to overlook all that right?.. Your mom must have been like 'My dear son' and 'You bloody outsider DIL'.. So she must have responded that way..
Even my in-laws do that to me.. They talk hours to my husband, but wont even bother to ask how i am doing?.. Infact they tell him things like dont spend much on me..
When i take the call, immediately they say give the phone to your husband.. My SIL chats with my husband hours together but never asks about me and never even bothers to talk to me..
If at all you want ot blame anyone, then it is your brother.. Not SIL.. Your brother is not a 'Oh so poor victim'.. He is grown up and matured enough.. If he feels she is an abuser, then he can divorce her.. But in all ways this is not the case..
Oh God.. please.. Then a million indians in USA aare all there for competition is it?.. What crap.. She came to US because you came here and for the sake of competition?..:idontgetit:.. No way, US has so many lucrative career opportunities, she must have come to US for career options and not for competition or rivalry against you..
I pity on your attitude towards her.. Why only you must come to US and not her.. Any superiority complex is it?..:idea
Again here blame your nasty brother, Not his wife.. He should be in his senses.. The problem is with your brother and not his wife.. For godsake stop holding your SIL responsible for all your brother's behavior..
This is very nasty, the problem is with your brother, that lady gets blamed for everything.. This could be the very reason why she hates you all so much..
For heaven sake sto hovering over her parents.. Comparing them with even tiny bits with your parents..
Congratulations on their dignity and self-respect.. Btw i dont think her parents went around bad mouthing their daughter (your SIL) treated them badly as your parents did..
Please change your thinking.. Taking care of your parents is your brother's responsibility and not your SILs.. Stop blaming her relentlessly.. She has not isolated your poor victim brother but rather your brother has chosen to get isolated from you guy looking at your illogical way of hurting his wife and family..
Your assumption is way wrong.. From what you have written here.. Your parents go around bad mouthing their DIL.. Now tell me did her parents ever bad mouth your brother anytime?.. or blame him unreasonably for any fault of their daughters?.. NO.. That is why they get treated better than your parents..
I'm glad that you are showing some considerations for the waman too.. Now maintaining friendly relations is something dependent on their comfort levels.. Husband need not behave so, if wife expects to cut off all contacts.. That is naive.. It is applicable to wife as well..
Again i repeat, you brother is responsible for his behavior.. Dont blame his wife.. Stop spying and hovering over her personal matters, her parents..
Ps: Anuradha, since have seen you pick on my posts every now and then, i would like to remind you that my posts are intended to the OP and not to you.. I donot wish to explain my posts to you from now on.. I think we can agree to disagree and move on..
Dear riya123.. i completely agree with this:
"the problem is with your brother, that lady gets blamed for everything.. This could be the very reason why she hates you all so much.."
It is perfectly right in my case.Whatever my husband does they put the blame on my head....she would have told this,she would have done this..Infact many times i dont even have slight bit idea as to what happened.
My in laws dont have the common sense that their son/brother could have done this.
This is the exact reason why i hate them and cut off all contact with them.
Anuradha.... I don't want to comment on your situation, I don't know you or your sil. But one thing I wonder is, why don't you blame your brother? It's not all your sil's fault. Unless this was a child marriage and your brother is 10 years old, then shouldn't he be old enough to challenge his wife if she is doing wrong, right? Or maybe she isn't doing wrong, and that's why your brother isn't challenging her!
Like some other ladies, I also get blamed by my inlaws for everything my dh does. For example, my dh doesn't like to talk to them too much because they stir up trouble, so he doesn't call them. But who gets blamed for 'cutting off the son from parents'?? ME! Even though it was HIS choice! Also, they wanted him to come to India this year for a family get together, but he didn't want to because we don't have enough money for that type of trip, and also because he wants to go on a vacation that I can enjoy too. HE didn't want to go! But who gets blamed by his mom and sister? ME! It's not fair!
So I think, you should stop blaming your sil, and start blaming your brother, if there is even any blame to be placed.
Couldn't have said it better, myself!!! Thanks ASG, Agree 100%
For people who missed this! And since this thread is specifically about unreasonable DILs, she has written more about her SIL, just to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Ennaye and Geetha, Really sad to know that my parents' case is not isolated. These preying mantis women can really tear entire families apart - so heartbreaking. I think if this happens, then the other kids should pitch in and take care of the parents so that they are given emotional and moral support in their old age - which they need so desperately.
Wow... such harsh words?
Anyway, I am definitely blaming my brother. But I don't know why you don't think so. Because even though he told me she fights like anything if he has any contact with us, that is not a good enough excuse. Asking for life insurance money - whether by himself or due to his wife's instigation - is really pathetic. I also want to clarify that never my parents have said anything about him or her at any time. It was one of her father's sisters - who visited us during my uncle's funeral - who poured out her tales of woe with her SIL (my sil's mother) and how the women in their families are all preying mantises. We never go around and talk about them. My mother's health has never been that good and men rarely indulge in discussing family issues / matters with others. This aunt knew what had happened because when the business folded, my parents had to sell every single thing and scale down their lifestyle. So she was asking where is the jamaai (my brother) and my parents told her he couldn't make it to the funeral. She immediately started crying because her brother (sil's father) didn't even attended his father's funeral even though he was in same small town and they had to find some distant cousin to light funeral pyre!!!! She said it was same case with the sil's aunts, too, they have all had issues with these women. Now tell me please how can all their inlaws be bad people and only they be good?
What about mental illness? What about over-possessiveness? As Geetha says, there are women who are just unable to tolerate inlaws' presence in son's life. Isn't that reason enough? Especially when all women in her family have zero contact with respective inlaws? Are all the inlaws bad? If you have a proiblem with EVERYONE, then most likely problem is with you! (By you, I don't mean you personally, but generally) I am sure you have heard of false dowry harassment cases. Are these dils innocent too????!
Exactly. Which is why I said wife/husband is always No. 1 priority. It is really easy to preach divorce. In many case especially when small child is there, divorce is not acceptable. In fact, one reason my parents stepped away was because of my niece - they did not to precipitate issues more and lead to breakup / separation.
Then, what about women who file false 498A cases? You are saying no false cases are filed? What about these bad mils? Weren't they dils once? How does that work?
Who am I ? I am the daughter of the house. I am the one who is there for my parents 100%. Anyway just you please read my post again. The plan was to keep them separately as decided at engagement itself. They had to stay for 1 month after wedding (15 days after honeymoon) because the flat was not ready for occupation right away and then had to be furnished etc to make it ready for move in. Hence they stayed for about 2 weeks after honeymoon with my parents. I don't really expect them to live with my parents if they are unhappy, but I don't see why she is always unhappy as even the flat was not good enough for her after 2 months!!!!!!!
As I told above, the fact that we are a business family was known to her even at time of alliance proposal. She and her entire family were OK with it. It was made clear that even though brother was in a job at the time, he was eventually going to take over. If she had issues with it, then she should never have married my brother. Nicely nodding her head to everything at time of proposal then keeping a long face if husband spends time with father / uncle discussing business shows a very devious personality. If she was so afraid of business failing, then why she is opting to marry into a business family knowingly???
No, no. I am not saying she shouldn't meet parents. What she was doing was preventing my brother from meeting HIS parents or talking to them on the phone! That is different, no?
WOW. Riya you don't know my parents, my brother or my sil. Please don't say such things. My mother never treated her like that,. but sil was over-possessive. That was her problem and wanted her husband to have zero contact with us. That is a classic hallmark characteristic of abusers - trying to isolate the person from family / friends etc. Also your accusation we have bad-mouthed her, where have my parents bad-mouthed her? They haven't said one word about her to anyone else. I am posting online but no one knows my identity or hers. I am asking for moral support / help. That also I cannot do without being labeled bad-mouthing????
And your hubby never calls them on it is it? That is really bad. Then he is also to be blamed along with your inlaws. Generally men should play fair with wife and parents/siblings. Just like my brother did not, your husband is also not doing this. But not every inlaw is as bad as yours or as rude to dil like yours. My inlaws are not like that towards me neither my parents were like that towards her.
Also see my brother never told us that we were not treating her well. His complaint was always she starts fighting with me if you call, she doesn't want me to speak to you or call you so please don't telephone me. I am left feeling like a battle ground and cannot focus on anything else etc. That is different, no? If he had said we are not treating her well, then definitely my uncle and parents would have had a dicussion with her and her parents to see where and how they can make her feel at ease / comfortable with them. But she never even gave any reasons why. So how my uncle and parents would have known what the problem was (if any)? One more thing I want to add: At the time, I was not very close to my family members. As I have wrote before, my relationship with parents only improved after my brother's misbehavior with them. I have now made my peace with them, my biggest regret is I never made up with my uncle. So at the time I was nowhere in the picture really - I was married and living with my inlaws with minimum contact with parents and uncle. I feel depressed when I think about my uncle and how he and I never had chance to forgive and forget but better not to go there now.
Yes, we are blaming him too. And we are not for their divorce because they now have a daughter. Regarding the competitiveness, as I said when alliance was proposed, she specifically said she wanted a guy based in India only because her parents have only two daughters and she wanted to be here for them, not move abroad etc. This was same thing for my parents / brother, so we thought it was a good match. But as soon as we moved, she started changing tunes. My brother had a very good job in India but she started nagging him to move to the US and she wanted *us* to fund their university studies here!!! My husband had barely got here himself and we had no savings etc and she had the guts to ask us to fund their education. When we refused saying we are not financially strong, she started bad-mouthing us!!! That is what I meant by competition. She can freely move wherever she wants - even to Mars. But don't ask anyone else to pay for you!!! No one else owes you anything. and she has a huge entitlement attitude! And like I said, she even compares my son with her daughter - do you think it is right thing to do to badmouth children like she does my son? And you are saying we badmouthed her? I am really sorry that you cannot see how bad some dils are. Anyway, that is your experiencing coloring your view.
End of day, I do blame my brother. He is the one who has lost his senses. Asking for life insurance proceeds, not sending even Rs. 5000 for mother's medical expenses, complaining about his wife's attitude, etc is really evil of him As for blaming her. let me tell you women these days have a lot of trump cards working for her. Her cousin (mother's sister's daughter) has been harassign her hubby by threatening to file dowry harassment case against his parents if they don't disappear from his life!!!! This man is keeping quiet because he is afraid for his parents. Their marriage is only on paper. That is how these women act. So naturally they are also blamed. If one is innocent, people are not evil to just simply blame you.
@ASG: You are one the most reasonable women here. I am sure you can understand this issue clearly. I am definitely blaming my brother, too. You were a wronged dil but please hear me when I say there are wronged inlaws there too like my parents, geetha's relatives etc. Thank you.
Yes, we are!!!
Yes, with small child it is understandable to want her parents' support. But not letting inlaws even see their grandchild except for once in few months!!!! Why these men just keep quiet and claim family peace as reason I cannot understand.
Yes, Geetha. Exactly same case with my sil. Her mother has no contact with HER inlaws (sil's father's family). Same case with mother's sisters. All are happily living in a matriarchal family set up and husbands are forbidden from being in touch with their parents and siblings. Nothing wrong with traditional matriarchal families but even they don't force the husband to completely forget his parents or siblings.
One of her cousins (mother's sister's daughter) has been threatening to file false 498A against her husband it seems. His mother has cancer and he used to take her for chemotherapy. Since chemotherapy makes people weak, he used to spend some days with mother to help her. This girl couldn't able to tolerate it, and started one day screaming, saying I will go and file 498A against her so that she can spend her sick days in jail eating jail food! The husband is terrified for his parents especially sick mother. So he has hired a nurse to take care of her and take her to chemo and all. But how heartless. It runs in her family.
My mother will never say one word against her darling son. That is OK, she is mother and she loves him unconditionally. But my heart burns. I don't have same feeling for father because (a) he is a man and (b) he is strong. My mother is neither healthy physically nor very strong. He was her favorite, so even when I sometimes tell her she should ask him she hushes me up and says he is her son and she is her dil etc etc etc.
I don't want Karma to hurt my brother. Because even if he is stupid he is my brother. Blood is thicker than water!!!!! God bless him and his wife. My mother has forgiven them long time back and I am working on it. I hope they are always happy and well. God bless them. If someday they realize their mistakes, I hope my parents are still alive to make peace with them. That's all.
Sorry to hear your story. You are not alone. Do you have other children who are caring and supportive of you? Please stay strong - it is easier said than done but I hope you have other children who are giving you moral and emotional support to make life easier for you.
Woah... this thread has had quite the revival, eh? :cheers
Interesting perspectives, interesting opinions. Keep 'em coming, folks.
And I learned a new term for unreasonable DILs - preying mantis! Good job, girls! :rotfl
Oh, so this message was intended for me?
Ok, in that case, Riya, a little compassion and empathy goes a long way. I have read Anuradha's post and didn't see anything that indicated that her parents were bad-mouthing the DIL. I see that she has made many other posts about her SIL and I think she deserves the full benefit of doubt. Wrong is wrong, whether it is done by a MIL or done by a DIL, is it not? So, let us not condone bad behavior just because it comes from DIL or accuse a MIL of being bad even when there is no indication to believe so (as in, your parents went bad-mouthing their DIL, so they were not sponsored green card or something along those lines!).
I remember YOUR situation very well and you have my fullest support, Riya. You are the suffering DIL, but, as Anuradha00 says, there are suffering MILs out there, too. That is the reason I started this thread. So, really, please let's not lash out at someone who seems to already be suffering, dear. Instead, let us see how we can best help her in coping with this situation and how to rise above it.
We cannot change anyone else. We can only change ourselves. Now, I see that you are supporting your parents. Please continue doing this. Have minimum expectations from your brother & SIL. Eventually, things may change. Or they may never. Either way, you would have learned to live your lives with or without him and his support. A good friend sent me an email in which she quoted her mother as saying "People who have no one on their side are the strongest because they have God on their side!" How true and moving. So what if your mother no longer has her son by her side? She has you, she has her husband, and, most importantly she has God.
What goes around, my dear, comes around. God watches. And God is there. Be strong, be supportive, and let go of these expectations from your brother. Forgive your SIL. Believe me, forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do, which is why it is called divine! Move forward and never look back. And keep my friend's mother's quote in your mind. "He who has no one on his side is strongest because he has God"!
May God be with your family during your pain and turmoil. All the best to you and yours.
I have to say that I'm one of the DIL's that have lucked out. My MIL had a tyrant as her own MIL and she realized early on that this is not the way to treat young women who enter our home and become part of our family. Because of her knowledge, I was fortunate enough to be the first recipient of having such a caring MIL. But I also went into my marriage feeling that I gained a family not that I had gained an opposing team in which to win my DH from. I think the fault lies in both places. The MIL is fearing that her son is "taken away" while the DIL feels that she now has a contender to fight with.
Both women need to have an open mind and need to understand that everyone has her own ideas and interests. Simply giving the other the benefit of the doubt and leniency will result in a happy family no matter what.