Unreasonable DILs

I can write pages on this but i wont, as I know i am a bad DIL bcoz my Mil is bad to me from day 1 i will never forget my 1st day at my inlaws in my life, i was made to do all the work right from sweeping to washing cloths everything thing except cooking only from the next day of my marriage not even 1 day i was sat idle till not that i expect royal treatment but never even made an attempt to see when i was even hungry or my feelings(since i was new to thier house), and when i went to work, and when i went i had to do all my jobs right from my breakfast,lunch i had to prepare for myself, regardless i am not suppose to prepare for anybody else at home(no need to impress by cooking skills), actually my MIL seems to be a good human to others and not to me i am treated not like a living human, but i will not let her interfer in what i want and have to do nor i interfer in what she wants and she does, i tell my dh to do all his duties and taking care for everythings what ever they want to my SILs, MIL but at the same time to follow the same with me.I will never allow my bro wife to suffer all this and i always keep telling my bro and parents to give her space to let do things.Whatever it maybe I had made my mind to only support my bro wife.

 

hello
I have seen my friend suffer under her dil.her only son [ henpecked] married to a
immature manupulative girl who treated her mil very badly when she went to usa to take
care of her grand son. i would like an answer from indusladies if this friend is fiancially
independent should she encourage her dil and ungratful son :[:drowning in usa]
haripriyan

 

Unreasonable DILs and submissive husbands seem to be a problem only when they are SILs and brothers / husband's brother / husband's BIL respectively. If our husband “listens” to us and “agrees” with us then he is not submissive, he is a understanding and supportive husband who consults us in every decision. That is how it is always perceived.

Having said this, I do agree that the category of “unreasonable DIL” very much exist. I think MILs should deal with these DILs just like how how we advice DILs deal with unreasonable MILs. When a MIL finds her DIL to be unreasonable she should put her foot down. Just like when we tell DILs not to appease MILs and give in to their demands, MILs of unreasonable DILs should not appease and give in to buy peace. They should talk to their sons and point out the things that she finds are unreasonable with the DIL and / or talk to the DIL directly. When it comes to money matters, it's always a sensitive issue. Like it's hard for a wife to point out unreasonable financial demands made by her husbands family of him, it's hard for mothers too to tell their sons when his wife's family is taking advantage of him financially.

The problem is that just as it's very difficult to change a mama's boy, it's equally difficult to change a son who is submissive to all his wife's demands. Just like a number of mothers control their sons with the guilt complex, many a times unreasonable wives control their husbands by withholding / granting affection and sexual relations.

A lot of times the parents of such DILs poison their daughters mind with notions of evil in-laws. They usually tells the daughter that she should get the “upper hand” right at the beginning and thus ensure that the MIL does not misbehave. Armed with this teaching when this daughter becomes a DIL she misbehaves from day one.

Just as I have no respect for a mama's boy, I have no respect for a submissive husband either. And just like I sympathise with DILs hassled by demanding MILs I pity MILs hassled by unreasonable DILs. I agree with Chitvish's observation that MILs of her generation, specially, are sandwiched between never satisfied MILs and even more demanding DILs.

 

Does anyone thing that there is a communication issue in our society? That dil/mil are unable to express concerns in a civilized manner? It is probably the social practice of unquestioning obedience that is breaking the bridges.

dils find it easier to seperate than to work out issues through dialogue and mediation. If similar issues existed between spouses they would go for therapy. In case of mil and dil the dil+son+children just move out.

 

BeeAmma, Dont you think most DIL's want this. We may be educated and more a modern approach to everything but we also try to make an effort to build a relationship with in laws. If not for anything to make our husbands feel comfortable.But unfortunately as you said unquestioned obedience maybe the culprit.In a big way I feel most of the husbands shud do this job. But they chose to look away and want wives to give in to all in laws wishes .

When DIL's come to separation it will wud have reached such a peak that they feel they will lose a big part of themselves staying with in laws. Most of the women do feel guilty to separate their husbands from their parents. Some do make a big effort with in laws ,being thankless or both in laws and husband thankless to all efforts.It will be wrong to say DIL;s find it convenient to separate than work on their relationship with in laws.Only few can successfully do it.

 

@blissful,
Thats a nice viewpoint regarding submissive husbands :thumbsup.

 

Hey thanks Vsar

I agree the "always" is a sweeping generalisation and I didn't mean to make a generalisation. But I think you got what I meant.

A lot of unreasonable DILs or for that matter a lot of unreasonable MILs do know that they are being unreasonable and will continue being so. But a lot of them just don't think that they are being unreasonable to start off with. They think it is their entitlement to have their husbands / sons listen to everything they have to say.

 

hello
true. my friend has stopped talking to her dil. her son s conversations does not go beyond
[ hello how are you] dil will ask him to take care of the kid at that time even that little hello
stops there. my friend has tried talking to her frankly. but nothing helped..her dil is disrespectful as ever . recently they did annaprashnam for her grandchild at dil s mother s place. they had no courtesy to inform her
it goes on on. my friend unable to ger over the attachment towards her son and grand children is very much in sorrow. only saving grace is she has a wonderful husband,
suppose she is alone?:bonk