Unreasonable DILs

As i said earlier it's conjecture, neither you nor i can say for sure what led to the BILs actions in Swaram's case.

Dealing with negative people in a positive manner and moving on, while definitely not praying for bad things to happen to them, means dealing with people through words and actions, and moving on once the situation and people have been dealt with and not brooding on it.For me it doesnt include praying that bad stuff happens to other people.

For me praying that bad things happen to bad people/good people is not justice. Justice is when i deal with negative people and circumstances in a positive manner and move on, and justice is also what fate/karma deals(versus what i have been able to resolve).

My wishes for all the ladies on this forum, whether dils or mils, would be to lead happy and positive lives.

Am sure everybody here can agree on this!

 

This thread reminds me of a famous Tamil movie (dont remember its name) by none other than the famous Visu. It revolves around the stories of 2 families, one with mean DIL and the other with cruel in-laws.

First, we must run a reality check on ourselves keeping the points Malyatha first wrote in mind. Honestly, would our in-laws consider us as one who performs such mean acts?

I have come across women who do one or a couple of the things cited by you, Malyatha. But not ALL of them by the same person. Still, each of of them is mean in her own way.

I have not been in such a situation myself - around a mean DIL or SIL. So, cant suggest much. May be the persons affected should just ignore the lady in concern and try to keep in good touch with their son/brother. And of course, voice their concern in case they are not financially looked after (by son and DIL).

Either these mean creatures should realise their faults themselves, or they must be threatened by someone (possibly their husbands) to behave better. But I am not one for threatening in any form, so the realisation has to dawn on the lady herself.

Regards,
Sandhya

PS: ASG, the way you wrote about bully and non-bully people is excellent! And funny to read too.

 

Its good to see this post from someone who has admittedly said that it is for a change.

Well, there are good people and bad people everywhere. So also in the case of MILs and DILs. Some are lucky to get their own way in the relationship and others are not.

But I have always wondered whether it helps for a MIL to be nonjudgemental and non interfering in the relationship with her son and DIL?

In the long run, I feel it does not matter. Horrible MILs only bring about the reality of the relationship sooner and the other type of MILs are only waiting to be disillusioned later.

Whichever way you look at it DILs in all cases want their inlaws to be as far away as possible. This is mainly to keep the doors open for their own relatives.
Speaking from experience.

 

Hi thinkpositive and malyatha,

In spite of how bad the IL's behave, in emergency situations the family has to be there atleast the sons. IMO the BIL should have visited them at the hospital brought them back home etc. I don't expect that from his wife but he should have. Yes BIL does have a son, I am sure they will have their payback time in future.

I am not sure if IL's are playing the divide and conquer rule, because its just not what she tells me, I have also seen as to how she treats the other DIL and have heard from other relatives too. There is a difference in how she treats that grandson compared to my kids. I am sure it is all done for some selfish reason. Especially since they were the only ones in India while the other 3 kids are in US. I am sure they had their issues too but due to BIL nature, MIL could not do a lot of damage, in my case DH is mama's boy so she could manipulate/ruin our lives.

Like I mentioned earlier - I think the IL's deserve it too, good that the payback is happening right away, so I get to sitback and watch these. maybe this is what they call as kaliyuga.

Swaram

 

Malyatha,

I don't quite understand the purpose of this thread. What is the point of discussing about unreasonable DILs or MILs. Unreasonable DIL's and MIL's will always exist and so do unreasonable FILs, BILs, brothers, sisters, bosses, neighbors etc etc. So what ??

When we vent out our fury against them we are just reinforcing our opinions and sinking more and more into negativity. This does not solve any problem but just reinforces our negativity. Ultimately that negativity will first affect the person who harbors it and then just spread around. Grow out of this small mindedness and realize that they are people no different from you and me.

Compassion and kindness are the need of the day. When we try to actively cultivate this attitude in every relationship be it at home or office peace will permeate our life. When everyone strives in this direction this world would be a much more peaceful place. So come on ladies give up this small mindedness and move on. Life is to enjoy and not to dwell on negativity.

I am not a saint. I have had a lot of issues with my spouse, parents and in-laws. Sometimes they have wronged me and sometimes I have wronged them. But when I actively try to cultivate an attitude of kindness and forgiveness it has really brought more peace and joy in my life. The past two years has been really hard for me. I have poured my sob stories in IL. It has almost been like baptism by fire. But it brought me firmly on the spiritual path and made me grow stronger and kinder. In a way I am thankful for whatever misfortune came my way. So just wake up and realize there is more to life then "evil minded" MIL's and DILs. Always tell yourself "This too shall pass" and nothing can touch you.

Regards,
Kavya.

 

Hi all Mil's and DIL's,
I have been going through this post with interest and reading your view points and statistics on the evil DL's as well as the MIL's who are pure evil. My 2 cents of view from the opposite sex!!

Well the kind of DIL's potrayed here do exist, I have seen lot of my colleague's wifes who are like that. Many of them are well educated, earning as equall to their husbands. The modus operandi is simple, after marriage make sure the hubby is your puppy, go abroad, take your parents (Girls) there, guys parents are strictly no-no, even when they come to india, the guy can visit the parents for 2 days, the girl usually does not have the time and slowly when the children come into picture, one set of grandparents are painted like heaven while the guys set of grandparents are made to look worse than hell. Though most of the guys do bend themselves backwards and adjust, there are a few who raise their voices and the girls have their ultmate weapon, the dowry harassment law under the IPC which ironically fails to prevent dowry deaths, but is used more as a damocles sword on rebellious husbands.
What's a disturbing and worrying trend is even if the girl is not having these thoughts, the parents take it to coach them for their personal gains.

Of course this does not make MIL's pious as milk, there are an equal number of my lady colleagues who have to surrender their pay to their MIL's, have to take permission to visit their parents house, that too once in 6 months and the distance will be like chennai-blore-hyd. Even attending after hours office celebrations needs the MIL's approval,
going on a vacation needs their approval, why even the privacy of husband wife relationship is decided by the MIL.

As one of the members has rightly said, a bully will be a bully, be it in the role of DIL and later graduate to the role of MIL.

There are no fixed statistics of the percentage of evil DIL or MIL and there never will be, just experiences to narrate on hear say.

I also wish to state that I humbly apologize in advance to all the suffering DIL's and MIL's both who will find my post offensive.

regards,
vsar
View my profile at :
IndusLadies

 

Kavya,

Trying to understand relational dynamics and the workings of the world is part of life. Like the saying goes 'seek first to understand, then to be understood.' :idea

I believe Malyatha started this thread to provide us with a foil to all the other threads about evil MILS. It's important to keep a balanced view on things. If all we ever talk about is our bad experience with mil, our own views of mil's in general might become skewed. This thread serves as a nice reality check that DILS can be just as bad.

So many times we ladies wonder why mil's SUDDENLY become bad, but this thread made me realize, perhaps certain women are ALWAYS bad. They just move from one roll to the next in life, and bully everyone around them regardless. I had never thought along those lines before, and thanks to this thread I have a better understanding of human nature. :coffee

Just because we are analyzing the mil/dil relationship does not mean we lack 'compassion' or 'kindness.' Believe me when I say, the ladies on this site are talented multi-taskers, we can handle a discussion AND be compassionate at the same time! The fact that so many of us dils who have been hurt by our inlaws, are able to also evaluate the behavior of our fellow dils, speaks to our fairness and our.... compassion. So no need to speculate on that! :thumbsup

 

ASG has said it well !! Kavya, no issues discussed here will push anyone into negativity unless the person insists on feeling so ..

There are many members who have discussed about their problems here since many years.. SOme have had problems with their parents, their PILs, their husbands, their friends, their relatives and so on ! Just because they come here with problems does it mean we are feeling negative because of that ? NO. We dont. We help, we draw the pointers that could make our lives better and move on .

There has always been discussions about how evil certain PILs are.. Regardless of wether it is discussed here , we all have seen such episodes amongst peers or siblings or sometimes in our own houses .. Now, that doesnt mean we neednt discuss it here.. May be the entire discussion leads to realisation of who is at fault and gives the OP a different perspective too. It is good isnt ? Does all this mean , that people are born wrong ?? No. There can never be evil MILs in toto. I have seen MILs falling in saint category too.

So, it is just about what made a person evil.. It could be their past or even something they went through recently that has made them behave in a particular way. Same holds good with the DILs..

I agree when it is said ' A bully is a bully ' ! Many of us get stuck with problems and are in a confusion to solve it. You have come here in the past too.Lot of people did give you their suggestions. Many benefitted too because of your problems and responses in that thread.

Similarly, when Malyatha started this thread, her intentions were to send a message to every DIL just like her, you and me that not ALWAYS are we saints. We could be at fault too.. Sometimes when the MIL behaves bad it could be reasonable or otherwise. It is just about understanding the root.

This thread does not wave negativity in anyone's mind and simply ' allows ' us to have a reality check. There could be many members who are in similar situations feeling ' what they could have done which wasnt and what they could have undone ! ' They may now look into ways of correcting it.. It is sooo POSITIVE !!

Purpose of every thread is to learn about ones own life from what you see in others .. One vents out their fury here simply because they cannot elsewhere. You have too, in the past. But by doing so you havent become negative about everything. You have triumphed a winner, isnt ? It wasnt small mindedness for God's sake, Kavya. You have succeeded. You discussed your problems in the past and so have others.. Now, there is this discussion about the entire lot .. So what ? By ' assuming ' everyone around discussing as small minded, you are includiing yourself too. Not right. By writing out problems or discussing about different behaviours in general ONE DOES NOT BECOME SMALL-MINDED. So, please do not say such things.

I simply look at this thread as a reality check for everyone. Be it a MIL or a DIL. End of the day both of them are wives, mothers and MILs ! Each role played for sure.. It is just about how well one can play it !

 

preethi,
well said. each line is superb

raha