Unreasonable DILs

Yes,100%, I agree that there are DILs out there who think like this, but would not generalize and say that the MAJORITY of DILs are like this. It is just a draw of the luck. Some very nice, responsible DILs get evil MILs who set out to harass / abuse / mistreat their MILs from the start and some good MILs get DILs from H@ll who enter the marriage DETERMINED to "steal" their husbands away from their FOOs. These DILs usually have the support of their parents in such activities and what I've seen is that many of these DILs are those who have NO brothers. So their parents are not exactly concerned about what their sammandis undergo when the DILs try to separate the husbands from their parents and siblings, because they have no sons, themselves. Moreover, these parents are oftentimes selfish themselves and suffer from major insecurities, and if they feel that their daughter is the dominant one in her marriage, then it would be to THEIR advantage, so they even covertly encourage their daughters' behavors.

This is why I raised my last question in the OP. Why do the husbands / sons go along with their wives' partisan behavior? Why doesn't a husband tell his wife that if her parents are able to come and go at will, then that his parents should also be able to come and go at will? That what is sauce for the goose (the wife's parents) is also sauce for the gander (the husband's parents)? I would blame the husbands for failing to stand up to their wives and demanding that the couple treat both sides of the extended families equally. Many times, the wife gets away with bloody murder simply because her husband is too weak or too naive to see through his wife's games and goes blindly along with everything that the wife decides (which decisions are USUALLY favorable to her parents and biased against his!)

I have married brothers and male cousins, so I see. first-hand, the way some DILs act. I always urge the PILs of such DILs to not take any nonsense from the DILs and to tell them from the outset that while they (PILs) respect their (DILs') position as their sons' wives, they (PILs) are not going to 'disappear' from the picture entirely, because they are and always will be HIS parents! I also urge the PILs to have open, family discussions with BOTH the sons AND their wives present, so that the sons / husbands are kept in the loop about simmering issues and can do something about these before it is too late. Ultimately, the onus is on the sons / husbands to strike a fair balance between both sides and so far, the men in my own family seem to have done this to SOME extent.

Sometimes, however, the PILs have to fight their OWN battles with their DILs. If they are good and have tried their best to include their DILs in their families, only to be repeatedly rebuffed by the younger women, then, rather than complain to the sons, the PILs should take the bull by the borns and confront their DILs directly. They should make it clear that rhe DILs cannot just waltz in, and "take the husbands away" from their parents and siblings, to become 100% enmeshed with their (wives') FOOs. This may make them quite unpopular with the evil DIL but such confrontations are necessay to ensure that the PILs are not taken undue advantage of by their sons or their meddling wives / in-laws.

You are very lucky to have had good in-laws. I have not been that lucky and many of the women who post here are also not that lucky, either. As I said above, it is all a luck of the draw.

I do not agree to the term "ALL GIRLS". The above would only apply to bad DILs who have good in-laws, DILs who are the subject of this thread. Many in-laws DO accept their DILs with love, only to be snubbed in return by the DILs, but there are many other DILs who are abused from the get-go by mentally ill or entitled or evil PILs / SILs, who not only refuse to treat their DILs as daughters / sisters, but also as even fellow HUMAN BEINGS! What about these DILs? How can we accuse them of not showering love on the husbands' families (the same families that refuse to respect or accept them (DILs))???

Generalizations are never good, and generalizing in-law relationships is a great mistake because not all PILs are good, and not all DILs are bad.

 

WOW, she didn't want your FIL to come along and NO ONE said a word in protest? And she orders FIL to make tea?? WOW, your BIL must be a hen-pecked coward to allow his witchy wife to treat his elderly father in that manner!

It's one thing to be protective about one's wife but another thing to be completely ruled by her. BTW, is this BIL living in India while the rest of you lives abroad?

 

I can think of only two reasons.

(1) The ILs are in denial.

or

(2) They hate your co-sis as much as they hate you but do not want to share this view with you. I know ILs who have multiple DILs tend to play one against the other, so that the DILs do not unite against the ILs. A neighbor of my parents has three DILs and she's always praising the other two DILs to whichever DIL she is staying or communicating with at that point of time. In reality, she hates ALL three (and with good reason, too). When I asked her why she does this, she says that she is 'dividing and conquering' - she is afraid that if she b1tches about any one to the other two and they all compare notes, they would realize that she dislikes all of them equally, and gang up against her. So, she purposely praises all of them to the other two even though, in reality, she cannot stand any of them! Maybe your ILs are doing the same, even though they hate your co-sis as much as they dislike you.

BTW, agreed your PILs have been mean and nasty to you. BUT, even so, your BIL must be a FIRST CLASS loser to permit his wife to treat his parents like that. What a jerk. I hope this couple has sons, as well, so that this comes back to bite your BIL & co-sis in the butt in time.

 

You know, I can understand a SNIL or DIL not wanting to be there for their PILs but I really do not think that it is right for the son or the daughter to not be there for elderly parents (esp. when they have just had medical problems) or to permit their spouses to bully their parents.

The husband in question (Swaram's BIL) may be justified in protecting his wife from his parents' abusive behavior, but how is he justified in not being there for his parents and / or permitting his wife to treat them shabbily? Whatever it is, they are HIS parents, and while it's one thing to protect your wife from your parents' abuse, it is completely a different thing to not only not extend the same 'protection' to your parents but to also OPENLY permit your wife to bully your parents around (no matter how bad they supposedly are).

I believe that it is due to people like Swaram's BIL that there are still wars, droughts and famine on the Planet. No righteousness in such people whatsoever at all.

I REALLY hope that Swaram's BIL has sons of his own and gets saddled with DILs just like his wife. OR, if he has only daughters, then I hope that his daughters treat Swaram's BIL & co-sis just like BIL treats his parents and that their SNILs are extremely domineering men who kick @ss, disrespect and abuse Swaram's BIL & co-sis JUST like Swaram's BIL's wife abuses HIS parents. In fact, that is my PRAYER for Swaram's BIL & co-sis.

 

Then let us simply agree to disagree, ThinkPositive.

Regarding "conjecture", well, IMO, the way we react to posts here are all based on our personal interpretations of what is stated here, so in a way, most everything here involves some sort of "conjecture", whether intended or not.

But if one treats people who do bad things to one in a bad way, then how is that "dealing with negative people in a positive manner and moving on"?

Thank you. Actually, that is exactly what I'm "praying for" - for "justice" to visit Swaram's BIL & co-sister in due course of time.