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Unreasonable DILs

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Malyatha, May 29, 2009.

  1. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    In particular of Anuradha's brother's case, i felt the SIL was being unreasonably blamed.. It is her brother who earns 100k and the one who lacks a heart to help his parents.. Just he is escaping giving his wife's excuses.. That's not correct.. Anuradha is channeling all her anger towards her SIL.. The problem revolves around her brother and not SIL.. So i wanted to point that out..


    No, Anu's SIL is far more reasonable.. She has not emotionally blackmailed her in-laws and got them to live as servants in her house.. Just she has chosen to stay far away from them for xyz reasons..
    In my particualar case, till my grand dad passed away, my grandparents were in no way affected because of my mom as they lived in our native town.. My parents lived in bangalore.. So they were living separately.. Grand parents had their own source of income (farm+rent+pension) and at times dad helped too..
    But problems arised only when widowed grandma came to live with us.. I hope you can see the difference.. When grandparents were staying separately they didn't suffer because of mum in anyway.. That is why i'm wondering how anu's parents are suffering as their DIL is living far away from them? ..

    Similarly if you see the DILs cases, there is trouble only when they happen to live with bullying in-laws under one roof.. When they both are living separately there shouldn't be much trouble though in-laws are bullying type..
    When DILs live in joint family set up, live with in-laws on a vacation to india, in-laws come over to live with them.. During such times maximum problems arise ..


    Definitely Anu can speak out.. This forum is for everyone, and i donot intend to supress her.. I just tried to figure out why exactly she was channeling her anger towards SIL?.. Which sounded unreasonable to me while her brother was at fault.. I responded only when this story was narrated to counter one my previous posts..
     
  2. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    My DH and BIL dont know anything about their grand parents(FIL's parents). they know only my MIL's parents. she has taught that her parents are the only grandparents.

    Even today when her IL's calls she turns red. She never goes to their native palce. She avoids visiting them. She tells me not to visit them when i go to my mom's place. (my MIL's IL are near my mom place).


    I believe such personality traits are included in the Manual of psychiatric disorders (DSM IV) under Narcissistic personalities.. Seriously you should read up on it!
     
  3. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    I will definitely second that unreasonable DILs are as much part of society as are demanding MILs. In general I would say that we assume the MIL, particularly the notorious Indian MIL, has more say in a household to which a DIL newly enters. But this alone does not really translate to the DIL being the disadvantaged party. Each situation needs to be analyzed and people judged by their own merits, not by stereotypes.

    Anuradha
    I do feel for you girl. It's indeed very unfortunate that you have an SIL who gets away with such despicable behavior. Not to mention her bullying your kiddo, something I would NEVER allow, but hey that's me! And to think your brother is just being a mute spectator. As Peartree stated there are no bad DILs/MILs/SILs, just bad people, who just happen to take different roles at different times.

    Any case, you are not obliged to 'explain' your circumstances to anyone, for it is YOU who is facing issues and you know your situation better. Do continue to channelize your energies so your parents can derive the support from you, or what is lacking from your brother's end.

    Take care...
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  4. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Anuradha,

    Its very easy to see from your posts that your SIL is definitely a bad influence on your brother. We dont exactly know what goes on in their house but its very easy to see its a bad combination. Even if like riya said its your brother's fault more than your SIL, your SIL can atleast ask your brother to send some money to parents and enquire about their well being since they fell into such difficulties. That is the minimum anyone would do even though we may have bad relations with PILs. Since she does not do that its very clear that she has no regard for your parents or even basic humanity. And yes I agree with you that your brother is a spineless person who is not able to stand up for himself or his FOO.

    Coming to the original topic, there are bad DILs also. They may not realize so but they are very selfish about what they want in their life that they lose sight of the fact that they have a certain responsibility also towards others. I noticed this is more so with people who do not have brothers or who are only daughters of their family. Though this is not a generalization.
     
  5. nidhisai

    nidhisai New IL'ite

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    namastae everyone,
    this cycle repeats in every generation. But scenarios strangely differs. My grandmother was a good DIL. But after all her sons got married she used to pamper them to maximum level making her as take it for granted type. All her DILs are very rude to her some went to the extent of beating her, making her starve, taking her money etc, yet all DILs are still very dear to her now also. on the other hand my mother and my aunt are treated a use and throw stuff by my grandmother and her DILs. All my uncles are perfect devouted to their wives. They dont even care how they treat my grandmom. B cos she adjusts just to win their favour, making my mom and aunt bend to them. Strange are the incidents, It will be hard to believe but in these changing world everything is possible.
     
  6. shobana sridhar

    shobana sridhar Silver IL'ite

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    Chitra
    i did not have the opportunity to read this thread of yours which is so correct for our generation when our moms said that we are their mirror images.It is so true that nobody comes into a husband's house thinking that they have to break the family.At the same time no in laws also think that they should get a bad name from the new DIL.Circumstances only makes things happen.For all those who suffer mentally or physically we can pray hard to get them out.
    I have been mentally tortured and still is going on after28 years but I cling to Swamy and I now dont retaliate.I have made it a point not to allow anybody to come between me and my spirituality .I am not a mother in law yet and I pray that as I have gone through much in my life my DIL must totally be happy.As Chitra rightly pointed out we are sandwiched between the previous and next generation.By Swamy's Grace we are able to cope up with the previous one the next one even if is a test should be simple
    love
    shoba
     
  7. sanjeevni

    sanjeevni Senior IL'ite

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    hello, I have read through these posts, and I agree that there are DILs who can be nasty. While everyone has commented upon how their MILs have mistreated their MILs (GmILs), I wonder if anyone has ever tried to find out if there is any background for the mistreatment which they are not aware of. it is quite possible that the DILS simply want to dominate, but may be they were not always like that. They were probably good and mistreated for no reason and then they could not forgive the MILs. If you ask if this is a personal experience, then I would say yes. It is. to be fair, I would like to give a background. My MIL is a widow, lost her husband early on and DH is only son, now in the US. When we were talking before engagement (DH needed 8 months to decide if I was the girl - sigh- ), DH never said once that his mother would live with us, however I was pretty sure that would be the case and was happy and ready for it. In fact, I remember thinking that in such circumstances, it would be better that we shift to India, since she is alone and all. Well, after engagement, I used to visit my MILs place regularly (very close to my home- she is a loner.. no friends literally.. I used to thnk that may be circumstances made her like that..now I know why not even her own sisters and brothers visit her) to give company and she slowly started showing her true colour. like commenting on lack of looks, my lack of higher education - I am a bachelors from India, while DH is a MS from the US, so I am below par- whenever she met another set of parents with whom DH horoscope matched and the girl was MS, she would sigh and say 'we had ahoroscope matchedwith her- but we didnt go ahead-and sigh again in regret.. this happened many times before marriage AND 1.5 years after marriage and I didnt utter a single word to DH. although I was hurt. I thought, a day will come when she will realise, as long as Dh is with me- one day, when one of his friends was talking to a girl who was working with GOldman Sachs in US and DH (mama's boy) told her that the girl is so and so. she told the same thing to him and gues what, my world came crashing when he didnt utter a single word in my defence. well this is just one thing that contributed to my hatred, there are other thngs, like feeding me burnt chapatis, throwing my clothes away and saying return this to your mother, lying through her teeth etc etc (list is endless) and to top it all, behaving as if there is no better MIl in the world when DH is present. in short - a total hypocrite- more than the hurtful acts, it is hypocrisy that burns me the most.. because she does things and gets away with it by being good in front of her son - whereas, my anger shows on m y face. then on wards, I have not been able to forgive her. When she came here for 6 months, I treated her well, fulfilling all her needs, but just talking minimally, as much as required, nothing more, yes, my anger, frustration shows on my face - so she managed to convince Dh that I am disrespectful to her. she is that type who digs out information and comments, even personal matters like our s** life. When I told my DH that she does that, (about s**), do you know whta he said - "if she tells ME that, I will deal with it" - so do you think she will eve say such things to him? Now, she is instigating my hubby saying things - this and that and icing on the cake - she says "I" am the one who is instigating.:rotfl:bowdown and DH believes her..

    (now I am doing a masters, but she is not happy either - now that I dont talk to her as much as I used to talk to her before marriage, and she wants ababy.. even complained to another friend's MIL here and that MIL is now criticising me on my face that I am not giving my MIL a grandchild - basically she wants everything that others have, never happy with anything, and then criticising after turning off everyone who wants to help her,)

    Now my question to all of you -

    What do you think, my life would be? Should I forgive my MIL? should I love her just because she is alone? Don't I have feelings? Am i doing the right thing? what is the solution to hypocrisy? If I wait and see that one day DH will see light, what is the guarantee the above example of Goldman Sachs girl comparison and DH keeping quiet will not repeat itself? Is it better to poison DH's ears like she does and hate myself for doing it - not that it will work!.. i am strating to regret my marriage..and more importantly - will you count me as one of the nasty DILs, because I dont talk to her and show my frustration openly?
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2010
  8. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Though we usually talk about mil behaving rudely to dil. Vice versa cases are there. Recently when i saw the mil i felt my heart pestered when i saw her not being able to talk with her grand sons. The couple along with their sons are staying in Usa. The widowed mil will not be seen by the dil and grand sons when they come to India. May be the dil vs mil relationship may not be good. But what did grand sons do. Why the old lady cant see her grand sons? May be these people can be more matured.
     
  9. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice one . U have stated all the points
     

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