Unreasonable DILs

I have to say one thing here...when we talk about our problems related to MILs , there are several posters which use some aggressive and degressive words to describe their inlaws....so just like victims of inlaws can describe the inlaws using diff. words, if victim of DILs/SILs are expressing their views why cant we take it more sportively?? cant we? (unless its used against one specific poster)

I understand people explaining to see the other side of the coin, however can we also see the other side of the coin when it comes to DIL who is a victim of MIL (i.e MILs side?)

Let people express their pain and views on how different kinds of woman exist and how the families are going through pain, isnt it a lesson and eye opener for all of us DILs on what to do and what not to do, and how we will be perceived by our actions (good / bad)?

As we all agree there are good DIL and monsterous DILs too...just like good and bad MILs, yes thats the truth and lets live with it and if we think brother is the main culprit for such DILs/SILs behaviour, can we say husband is the main culprit to let the abusive inlaws take on the DIL? Yep...Husband/brother is the like the bridge, like that bonding catalyst, if he knows how to draw the line where and when to draw it, everything would be normal and no issues would be there.

Also one last thing...girl/boy everyone has the right to help parents, if someone is not doing tehir job, no need to crib about it, finally what matters is whether our parents got the needed help on time or not. Whether the help is from son /daughter shouldnt matter. and moreover helping/taking care of our own parents isnt a big deal its responsiblity of every son and daughter . so if someone is doing their job/responsibility, they dont get right automatically to point out the one who is not doing tehir job. We do it because we feel responsible. If someone doesnt feel responsible, it doesnt matter what external/influence theyhave on them. Its their nature of not feeling responsible and taking people for granted.so lets stay focussed on our life, our priorities and our responsibilities. makes it more easier to live a happy life as we cant control others lives

So lets hear it out...and be patient and supportive towards people whose families suffered in the hands of our own woman:hide:

 

I'm not sure if it is intended to me.. But in general i'm telling, it is not correct to use such words.. All what i'm saying is point the guns at the right culprit.. Be fair in assessing brother and SIL.. Dont be lenient in assessing brother , and blunt while assessing SIL.. Till now i am still unable to understand why is her SIL held responsible for her brother's behavior?..
That hold's true for a woman too.. Be fair in assessing parents and in-laws.. If you can recall in one of my threads, i resented my mother's behavior towards my PILs..
I am not calling myself a role model, but my point is being fair towards both blood relatives and others..

As said above, it has to be checked on both the sides before making any judgements.. At IL, i have seen this happen on many threads, where OP's behavior is denounced, indeed OP would have been asked to apologize to her in-laws..

I'll stick with husband being the main culprit for abusive in-laws.. If you see many threads here, in-laws are able to abuse DIL because their son is supporting them in doing so.. had he been able to draw proper lines with his parents, things wouldn't have been so miserable for the DIL..

 

Dear Sri Vidya,

Correct me if I am wrong:-

Don't we??? I remember one poster (I think it was Icy) complaning about her MIL for her inteferences. But no one accepted her complaints nor sympathised at her. Reason being, her complaints were just childish, immature and unreasonable. So, almost everyone advised her to change her way of thinking, behaviour and adjust with her MIL (or something similar) as her MIL seemed to be reasonable.

In another thread, a poster was just complaning about her hubby, which seemed unreasonable after reading her other posts. So, the responders notified her faults and asked her to adjust with her DH.

At the same time, cases like mine and ASG are completely different. Since we post almost every happening of our life, many of you know what exactly our life is. I had problems with my unreasonable FIL, whereas ASG has problems with her unreasonable MIL. It was just too much for us to bear with. It ruined our life to the core. But with the grace of God, and the help of Indus Ladies members we were able to handle our issues successfully. Now our DHs are on our side and seems they are realising the faults of their parents.

Now, if either my FIL or her MIL find out this forum and post a thread named unreasonable DILs by quoting our life story from their side..i.e we separated their loving children from them, their children are henpecked because of their bullying wives etc..etc... Will this forum sympathise at them or let them understand where it went wrong in a diplomatic manner (provided the forum knows the other side of the coin some way or the other)

In Anuradha's case, it is very clear from her previous posts that her parents were extreme orthodox, male chauvnist type and they discriminated their own daughter against their son.

It is also clear that her brother's excuses for not maintaining a cordial relationship with his parents were just unacceptable.

It could be 100% true that her SIL is an abuser, a bad woman with all the negative qualities, but it is always better to correct ourselves before finding faults on others. That will help to solve most of the problems.

In her case, her parents behaved differently, brother too behaves unreasonably... So, they need to change or understand their own faults. But that's ofcourse not Anuradha's business. Since she is complaining about them, we the responders decided to let her know how and where it went wrong, and what could be the root cause of their issue.

She was not here requesting helps to solve her problems, but just shared her part of the coin. We just made it clear that she has to see the other side as well. This way, she may understand her brother correctly and control her anger towards her SIL. This way, both families may live peacefully in the future

It is very nice to see that Anuradha is gifted with a very warm heart, that's why he is now helpful to her parents.

No offence intended please

 

Hypothetically speaking, Let's think Anuradha's brother stood up for his parents, asking his wife, who from Anuradha's posts does seem unreasonable (at least to me), and showed her her place and continued to help his parents in their unfortunate situation and the SIL had posted her plight in this forum, talking about how her husband treated her and went against all her wishes and helped his parents in their misfortune, I am sure the responses would have been different. I am pretty sure, seeing past advices doled out that the husband is a mama's boy and the in-laws are selfish bullies who pulled the son to their side and how, the oh-so-poor wife not being given the status of being the "most important" person in the brother's life. I am sure the advices would have been well-intentioned, but I don't think any of the advisors would have asked the SIL to explain the circumstances of the in-laws. Why? Because historically, in these forums it has been established from all posts that in-laws are bad and DILs are the victims. And that seems to be prejudicing many of the opinions that have been formed in a lot of the posts.

I think Anuradha has many times acknowledged the fault of her brother too in this whole mess, but not many people seem to be taking note of that. As I said earlier, it can only be left to imagination whether the brother's relationship with his parents might have been any different had he married another girl. So in this case, I think while the brother is at fault, so is the SIL too and in all probability, may be it is the SIL that is influencing the brother to behave like this, just like many posters feel that their husbands are so nice on their own, but turn into monsters when influenced by their moms. Why should Anuradha's parents' case be treated any different from those victim DILs?

 

Dear Peartree,

I will have to disagree with you. Helping someone during their unfortunate situation is a must.. be it your parents, in lows, your relatives, friends, neighbors or someone who is not even related to you. It is something called man-kind.
Do you think our Ilites will post negative responses when a lady posts a thread saying my husband continues to help (i.e reasonable basic helps, in Anuradha's case Rs 5000/= per month for her mom's medicines) his parents during their misfortune time??? Definitely not.

All of us (at least most of the posters) analyse the case very well from all the dimensions before posting their answers. No one answers just like that. If so, this forum wouldn't have suceeded this much.

A man should be able to maintain his relationships. Helping parents during their misfortune time is one thing, allowing his parents to bully his wife and allowing them to intefere in his personal life is another thing. Just because a man is helping his parents financially when they are REALLY suffering, doesn't mean he is a momma's boy. Our responders definitely know the differences!

No way!!! Please read my previous post. I have cited some examples of different cases, where the same forum members asked the OP to give further explanations.. From that the members were able to understand the real scenario, hence they requested the OP to grow up, or adjust with her reasonable PILs.

I don't think anyone here give generalised responses to the OP. It has been always case by case.

Strange.. How come your LOVE and AFFECTION to your own parents and siblings can be influenced by another person. I am sorry, I really don't get this point.

 

That is the power of the praying mantis working. Actually, the brother and the PM sound like they are made for each other.

I think a lot of times when us indusladies hear someone talking bad about 'a dil', they picture themselves as the dil. Sometimes I used to fall into that trap too. But a good rule of thumb when analyzing things to keep your mind a little bit centered, is when you read about mean inlaws, try to picture your parents doing that stuff, or when you read about old parents getting neglected try not to imagine your nasty inlaws as the ones getting neglected, and instead imagine your husband alone in his old age with YOUR children pushing him away. Or if your sil/mil is mean, consider the possibility that the dil you are defending on a thread in this forum, could be behaving the same way as your sil/mil.

 

Hello Ladies,
This is a very good thread. It is helping discuss both sides of the relationship MIL/DIL. Those of us that grew up and got married about 25-30 yrs ago, we had to carry a good family name when we went to live off with inlaws. Regardless of what misfortunes we had to go through, we couldn't voice our struggles or pain with anyone. You couldn't say anything against your inlaws or anyone for that matter in the family. At least that was my experience. I am not saying that DIL don't carry a god family name, just things are different these days. How one handles a situation is different now then it was back then.
Often times, DILs want things their way once they get married and come into their DH's home. And then there are times when MIL's don't want any changes in the home. Thier way is the only way. It causes a lot of commotion in the relationship. I have also seen where one DIL is treated differently than the other one. Older one gets a say so in things while the younger ones are not treated the same.
There are also situations where MIL will compare the DIL with her own daughter. This only makes a bad situation worse.

Just from my own experience, things I wouldn't think of doing or clothes I wasn't allowed to wear/places I couldn't go are now being tolerated by my MIL when one of the grandson's wife is doing all this.
When I say clothes I wasn't allowd to wear, I mean just salwaar kameez and punjabi clothing, cause I married a Hindu guy. Always have to wear a sari.
Now the generation has changed with the same MIL... the grandson's wife wears hiphugger pants with the undies showing. Clothes that are 2 sizes too small for her. She goes out to bars and clubs and parties with other guys. No one says anything now.
Sometimes MIL/DIL know who they can control and bully so they do it not knowing whats coming ahead of them.

Hope I didn't upset anyone by my post. These are just my view points.
Thanks,
OOPALL!

 

Hello ladies ...
coming back to the main topic...
Unreasonable DILS --- Do they exist... Ofcourse they do like everything else...
I don't think any DIL is always reasonable and fair and just and only she has been the victim..
very often when I look back I see my actions in a different light and wish I had acted differently then,,, A bit more maturely and bit more reasonably.... I think there is no person on this earth who can claim to be flawless...
BUT... I want to also say that most of the people REACT to a situation whether unreasonably or reasonably....
Its the circumstances which make us take out our claws to scratch or stretch our arms to hug...
I do maintain that very few ladies (unless mentally unstable or insecure) will enter a marriage with the intention of shunning her in-laws... but may be due to pressure from society or due to some events she turns nasty and at times cannot control herself and takes drastic actions...and turns "UNREASONABLE"...
There are always 2 sides to a coin and a story sometimes everybody is a victim and the tormentor too...
JMO
K

 

Riya, In your thread Strained relations with mom..
we argued the same and finally you were able to prove your own mom as a bad mother and a bad/ unreasonable DIL who was agressive & dominant types & who made you & others loose control of their lives.. esp your grandma had to live like a servant.

I gave up the discussion when you said that your mom expected apology from your DH & inlaws as not a prescribed behaviour.
Same goes for Anu, her SILs requests & vocablury was not again an expected behaviour from a DIL.. so why is the contest still on.

You were the only one who told me that I look at the world only from the angle of a bad MIL becos of my experiences but then there are cases of a bad DIL too... whatever the case, Anu should also get a space to speak out.. its just that we all should speak out and get over with negative experiences. We should finally get rid of them for a peaceful life ahead.. the way Mithila mam expressed in one of her threads.