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Unreasonable DILs

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Malyatha, May 29, 2009.

  1. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Peartree, Yes, I am going to stop explaining myself here. It does not seem to be working!!! My husband *touchwood* is very supportive and we have all moved on so no point explaining our sadness / regrets to others who may not understand. Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  2. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    You need not explain yourself or continue to defend your parents Anuradha. You know better about your family situation than us.

    Since you have come to this on-line forum and openly shared everything about your unreasonable SIL, we just asked you to check the other side of this coin. Sometimes, we make very bad decisions when we are in anger. So, it is always good to analyse each and everything before you come to a conclusion.

    What triggered me to write here was, your statement in one of my thread in another forum (About my sister's marriage). You mentioned that you do not see anything wrong in expecting helps from a married sibling. Particularly major helps like marrying off the younger sister - which includes financial, moral and physical supports and responsibility.
    I would never expect such a huge help/responsibility from my brother after his marriage. According to me, it will only damage our relationship and his married life.

    The above statement is from you Anuradha. As you say this is not just about educational support and discrimination. It talks more about the pains that you had to undergo at your own home before marriage.

    Also it is not so hard to forgive your own parents if their mistake was only about NO SUPPORT, NO HELP FOR EDUCATION. These things can be forgiven and forgotten with time. But you say you still have hard time in forgiving these chauvnist orthodox men of your FOO even during their bad times, means the pain they gave to you was not that simple. Right????

    Therefore, I thought it could be still possible that your SIL would have experienced the same pain from your FOO, hence her husband (your brother) wouldn't want to continue their stay at his parents' home. Well, I just thought in that way after reading few of your posts in other threads. I may be wrong:(

    Again the above statement is extracted from your post. I don't know who planned about their separate stay, but it is very clear that there was a concrete plan at the engagement time that the spouses will stay separately after their marriage.
    Your parents could have treated them like Vishnu and Grihaluxmi, but that is not the point. It was agreed upon before marriage that they will go for a separate home, hence she wanted that thing to happen after marriage. How can she be at fault?

    Can't you advise your brother to call 911 immediately?

    Anuradha, I still think these all are just mere excuses from your brother for not being helpful to his own parents. What is all he is talking about?
    He knew his wife is behaving abnormal well before he start a normal marriage life with her (i mean during the honeymoon phase it self). But he hoped she will change.

    Then again the story continued and she became only more violant, and was not corporative for medical helps. But still he wanted to live with her, and started planning a family with her, hence they brought a baby in the scene.

    She continued this crap all over again, abused your parents, abused you.. Ok.. let's say these things can be forgiven. But she has been abusing him like hell.. I mean calculating travel time from office to home.. Which means, your brother has no social life, no friends, nothing.. Just he is living like home---->work---->home. Even if he misses the train, or wait due to traffick, he will be accused. Is it all possible in the US to calculate travel time so accurately, because I have never been there:hide: (you can't predict about traffick, office delays, snow, etc.. etc...)

    Tracing TP call log is a lame excuse.. Don't tell me this.. I think he has office phone, or public booth to make calls. Or else, he can still delete the last call list. Don't come back and tell me that your SIL will call the service provider or open the hard disc of his phone to get the call log. He is not going to call his girl friend, it is his mom. He needs to realise this.

    She could be a bullying bad woman, but still the fault is your brothers not hers. Your brother has a responsibility to help his parents, he can not keep on giving excuses like this to escape from his responsibility. Ask him to behave like a man.
     
  3. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    As mentioned above, I am not going to explain the situation with my brother and sil anymore. Just a little sad that you are choosing to ignore the obviously evil ... yes EVIL things sil has done, like abusing my son etc.

    Anyway, I have to address this since you are choosing to bring your issues into this thread.

    You are saying that giving emotional, moral, physical and financial support to the parents and siblings will ruin a man's married life? Then what about women's married life? I have not had my married life ruined by helping my parents. My husband's married life hasn't been ruined by supporting his parents and sister. My sil's (dh's sister's) husband is helping his parents - his life hasn't been ruined neither has my sil's (husband's sister's) life. It all depends on individuals, Tugga. There is no hard and fast rule, it all depends on husband and wife.

    Saying that supporting parents and siblings will ruin marriage - I don't know what to say. Further, you are helping your brother and mother in your sister's marriage efforts. Is your marriage being ruined because of your extending help to your mother and brother? If so, then why you are getting involved in her marriage? If your marriage is not being ruined, then why do you think your brother's life will be ruined?

    Can only women able to help their parents and siblings with no problems in married life but if a man helps, then his marriage will be destroyed? Two different rules is it?

    Tugga, any woman who wants to help her family but doesn't want hubby to help his family is just a hypocrite, dear. I am sure your brother will never choose such a woman for himself, so don't feel that you cannot get any help or support from him after marriage, dear.

    You also say your sister wants to stay separately for life without inlaw presence. As Shilpama said, this is rarely possible unless she marries a spineless bum like my brother or a parasite who is looking for a free ride with no care or concern for even his own flesh and blood. Also one thing I have seen is - if a man does not care about his own flesh and blood, how you think he will care for wife especially if he married her for wrong reasons? Shilpama's advice is very good. Please keep her points and mine in mind. All the best to your sister in her married life.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2010
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Anuradha, you can choose to do so.. May be we wont even pitch our comments..

    Despite all this, even now if 10% blame goes to your SIL, your brother is at 90% fault.. I know blood is thicker than water.. You do have a tendency to forgive and overlook your brother... But as ASG suggested it is better to come to terms with what your brother actually is?..

    I sense that things had gone a little sour between you and your parents-uncle.. So you were in minimal contact with them after marriage.. There was unequal treatment to men and women.. The very thing your uncle told that you needn't study much says a lot.. Isn't denying education to the girl child?.. Now you fought your way out is another story.. But they should have treated you equally and on par with your brother..
    Now, life has taught them a harsh lesson.. Look at the irony, the woman was given inferior treatment by them is there to help them during tough times while the boy who was treated like a prince has shown his back when they needed him the most..

    After all this, i somehow feel that things have gone sour between your parents and your brother.. Because it is not so easy for a man to cut off all chords with his mother.. Trust me, Men love their moms a lot.. Infact while choosing their bride, they look for those characteristics in their bride..
    If the roots were strong between your mom and him, then no SIL can play the spoil sport or damage any relation to this extent..
     
  5. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Anuradha,

    Please do not try to pick the words, rather I would kindly request you to see the overall meaning of it. There are so many people still helping their parents and siblings after their marriage, that includes you and me. And I am sure my brother too will continue to help his FOO whenever they need him. There is no doubt about it. But it doesn't mean the FOO should expect EVERY help from my brother after his marriage, thinking that he should continue the same as before. NO. This is wrong... This is what i meant to say.

    You can help as long as you can... As long as there is no problems in your own family. But if your spouse is not happy about your helps or not happy about your extended cares, then you will have to THINK whether you still can continue the same helps. No relationship is worth ruining your own personal life.

    I help my family a lot, emotionally, physically and sometimes financially too. My DH has no problems with it, as he is cool with my FOO too.
    At the same time, my DH helps his parents and siblings financially and physically.. I have no problems with that. But his emotional dependance on his dad makes me unhappy most of the times. This has created so much issues in our marital life, hence he has some how learned to ignore his dad's emotional black mails now a days. This is what I am talking about.

    Similarly, tomorrow my brother's new wife may/may not have problems with my FOO as she is not born or brought up with us. Hence she may not like my brother's extended supports and emotional availability like the way he is doing now.
    If that is the case, my brother may not be able to help us peacefully. Either he will have to fight with her, or do the helps secretly. Both will ruin his life ultimately. That's why we have decided NOT to expect any helps from him after his marriage.
    Even my FOO never expect anything from me either.

    This will help your relationship with your brother and SIL grow better.. See.. No need to badmouth about my future SIL for not allowing my brother to help my mother.. In case if she turned out to be an abuser. If there is no expectation, no disapointments.

    Limit your expectations within your family. An extended relative cannot act as per your needs and wants all the time.

    Regarding my sister's marriage matter - I have already answered Shipama and YOU in that thread very clearly. I don't think I should repeat the same here.
     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe it's just me... but I just don't see anything in Anuradha's posts that indicate that her parents have any unreasonable expectations from their son & DIL. They seem reasonable people esp. if they made plans to keep the son & DIL separately immediately after engagement.

    I think it is basic human courtesy to help a sick parent or a parent in financial distress. There is also nothing wrong in providing emotional or moral support to one's parents, regardless of whether you are male or female. Arguing that one should not expect any help or support from a son or brother even during times of great difficult simply because his wife may not like it, gee, I don't know... Maybe it's just me, after all.

    Anuradha, I think you are wasting your time here by repeating your arguments endlessly. I get what you're saying and I am sure others do, too. Only you know what your parents have done and not done for your brother & SIL and how they have been treated by them in return. So please avoid going into long-winded justifications about the whys and the wherefores of their expectations from / of their kids. Reasonable people get you. It is indeed a shame that your brother lacks even the basic human decency of supporting his sick mother and giving your father emotional support during the darkest times of their lives. If anything, then it just reflects his character and his utter lack of humanity. It's not about your parents, it's about HIM. But, luckily, your parents have you and your husband. Continue supporting them and try to forgive those that have harmed your family. All the best to you and yours.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2010
  7. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Reasonable / Unreasonable the woman is always the bone-of-contention everywhere. It is only the role that differs MIL, DIL, DD, SIL. Maybe we need to have a forum called Indus Men and check whether men discuss matters to this depth. :rotfl:rotfl
     
  8. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    And not about your SIL too. Period.

    May be she is a bullying person, but it is not her parents, but your brothers' parents are suffering. So, he needs to have a heart to help his own parents when they are in need. It is a shame he lacks humanity as well as manliness to stand up for his own rights. Hence he simply gives excuses.

    This is what me and everyone else are trying to say in this thread.

    Anuradha, please do not waste your time and efforts here to further degrade your SIL in order to justify your brother.

    Understand the fact that your brother is at fault completely, no matter how bad is your SIL. He needs to have a heart to help his own parents. period.

    Your parents are not unlucky, as they have you as a strong supporting daughter. Which is thousand times better than having a son. They will understand the difference very well, and continue to pour their love on you and your family forever.

    Also be thankful to your hubby, who treats you nice and allows you to help your needy parents. He hasn't done anything big, but you still need to appreciate his humanity.

    One last advice: Please do not expect anything from your siblings after their marriage.. And do not advice anyone to have expectations as such.
    You can expect everything once you and they are under one roof as one family - which means immediate family.
    But, after their marriage they become only an extended member, hence they have to consider their own priorities, i.e definitely not parents and siblings.

    If they can, let them to help. If they can not, please do not force them by your over expectations. It is better to be smart than sorry later.

    But my above advice is for the general expectations only such as expecting them to living under one roof, regular TP calls, visits, supporting the marriage, etc... etc.... But, it is a must to take care of your parents when they really need you (sick, really in an emotional/financial need at their older age).

    I ask you to ignore your SIL, and understand your brother and not to expect anything from them further. God has given you all the stregnth and heart to help your FOO - Continue to help them. You will receive everything in return from your own son. Good Luck
     
  9. GeethaMR

    GeethaMR Silver IL'ite

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    Welcome back Malyatha. When I read this thread, it immediately reminded me of my SIL's brother and the state of their parents. Since I have not seen any such thread detailing about behaviour by such women , I had written in my post " Hats of to the thread starter" for this keen observation! :thumbsup

    Actually, most of the responses here display a human tendency - Projection!

    A person, when faced with a situation, comes out with a response based on her previous beliefs and experiences. So when Anuradha stated the facts of her SIl, most of our ladies tried to "project" themselves in the SIL's place, BUT replaced Anuradha's parents with their MIL/FILs!!

    Since they may not have had a co-ordial relationship with their MIL/FILs ( due to what ever reasons ), so they immediately assumed that Anuradha's SIL was in a correct position!

    There are all kinds of people, males who stand and support their wives in all situations, men who beat their partners, demand money etc. Similarly there are kinds of women, fortunately or unfortunate. It is our tendency to paint one "black" and the other "white" that is the problem :)

    And Anuradha, you support your parents, that is great! :cheers May you have all the strength to do so.
     
  10. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Malyatha, since the beginning i have maintained that major fault lies with her brother..
    From what she has written here, i see atleast 3-4 pain areas of her SIL
    1. bro and SIL are asked to gel with a family business.. The business probably didn't have much scope and didn't work out.. Imagine if she had obediently let her husband be a part of the business.. They would have been in financial crisis by now.. Life would have become miserable for her.. But in-laws are unable to understand her point of view and are inadverantly blaming her for not letting her husband join the business..

    2. In a family where daughter was given inferior treatment compared to son , you think the daughter-in-law would be treated on par.. No.. it is typical male chauvinist family.. May be her parents treated her way better.. She found it hard to accept being treated like a second citizen..

    3. When she asked for financial help, to fund their university studies.. She received a plain NO.. May be her attitude is like, they didn't help us, so why should we help them?..

    4. She gets blamed for her husband's deeds.. Like asking insurance money, he choosing to cut off contact with parents, giving excuses to not help parents.. It is her brother to be blamed for all this.. But inturn SIL is being blamed.. Tell me, who on earth will take false blames in a positive sense..

    Despite all this, anuradha is saying things like 'After all he is my brother - blood is thicker' , 'Bro grew up in a comfy set up' , 'practical problem solver'.. Anuradha these are just plain excuses for your brother's behavior.. But is so blunt on judging her SIL.. SIL is 'preying mantes', 'abuser', has personality disorder.. what not..

    This itself says a lot on the unequal treatment meted out to DIL..

    So, it is always better to check the other side of the coin, before making any judgements..
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2010

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