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Unreasonable DILs

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Malyatha, May 29, 2009.

  1. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    For a change, I would like to have a discussion on unreasonable DILs (Yes, these DO exist, out there) and the sons / husbands who protect these DILs.

    I was recently talking to a good friend of mine, and we were comparing notes on how some DILs misbehave with their in-laws from the get-go. They are hypocrites who have one set of rules for their own FOOs and another for their in-laws, control their husbands' relationship with their in-laws, requiring everything to go through THEM, while continuing to have a very close relationship with their OWN FOOs, do not permit their husbands to spend any money on their in-laws' while freely spending on their own parents & siblings (sometimes to the extent that they contribute NOTHING to their immediate families with their husbands!), and generally just being rude, mean and even downright nasty with their PILs, SILs and BILs while expecting their husbands to coddle their FOOs!

    How does one deal with such a DIL / SIL? Furthermore, what does one do with sons / brothers who permit themselves to be COMPLETELY henpecked by their wives?

    Please discuss.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2010
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  2. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Malyatha,
    A similar thread was started more than 2 yrs back. I wrote a reply, representing, ofcourse, the MILs. Believe me, the young ILites (who are all DILs), did almost pounce on me!!
    They forgot that I graduated from a DIL to MIL! I now realise that it is the conditioning of the mind which has changed drastically over the years - I will not blame anybody! Our generation was taught that , when getting married, we were also taking up the challenge that our individual relationship with every in-law should be "worked out" successfully. We also did not have smooth sailing all the more because our in-laws were typical old-timers without modern views.
    My mother used to say that, how good a name I got from my in-laws, reflected on how well she had brought me up.
    DILs don't realise that MILs of my generation are "sandwiched"! If we had to please difficult MIL then, we have to please demanding DIL now!!
    I wonder if this is a curse in our society!
    I write this knowing that I will be looked upon as an "intruder" in this thread!
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
    2 people like this.
  3. Padmini

    Padmini IL Hall of Fame

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    dear Malytha,
    The reply of chitra madam reflect my thoughts.
    If not demanding DIL, , out of our concern, we see that our DILS should not suffer mentally what we experienced in our DIL days.so I agree with chitra madam.
    with love
    pad
     
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  4. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    I would not be suprised by this .... As we living in a society were they is good and bad , they are DILs who treat they MILs bad... well they are MILs who treat they DILs bad.....
     
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  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Unfortunately because of the bad behavior of some past mil's, INDIAN MIL'S have gotten a super bad reputation. It might cause this newer generation of independent women to walk into marriage with a closed mind and not even give the mil a chance. That's too bad, because everyone deserves to be judged on their own merit, not on rumors or stereotypes!

    Lot of women may feel like setting up walls from the getgo to avoid inlaws intrusions. The sad thing is, what if your inlaws were not the type to intrude and you have subsequently isolated good people! :bonkDefinitely there IS such thing as a BAD DIL! :hide:

    Example:
    My sil worships her parents (my inlaws). My inlaws go to Dubai half of the year (or more) to stay with her and sil pays for EVERYTHING of theirs. From what I have heard, sil and her dh do not spend any time together without them. HOWEVER, the guy's parents NEVER visit. You have to wonder... why. My sil is #1 bully on earth. To her own parents she is super sweet, but I think to her inlaws it's a different story. Everytime sil and dh go to India, they only visit my inlaws town. Back when me and sil used to send emails, the only thing sil wanted to talk about was how her parents "were like Gods" and how her inlaws didn't send her for a honeymoon. On one side she said it was because of time constraints, but still she kept blaming her inlaws? Hmmm. :confused2:

    In my sil's case, her husband is like a jello cup. Totally soft and submissive. I used to get along with him really well, but when sil got mad at me, he had to cut contact too. If sil says jump, he says how high. Whatever sil wants, sil gets. Sil is one of the meanest, loudest, fattest people I know, and she uses that combination to bully and intimidate others. I feel bad for her inlaws! Guess in her first marriage she couldn't control the guy, so for her second one she made sure to find a 'puppet!' :crazy

    You know Malyatha, it seems there are two types of people in this world... bullys and nonbullys. A bully will remain a bully for all stages of her life. When her siblings get married, she'll bully the new bride. When she herself gets married, she'll bully her inlaws and henpeck her dh. And then someday when she has children, she'll bully her dil. I have observed this first hand! Before my mil was a bad mil... she was a bad dil. :evil:

    Of course the ideal situation is a matching of nonbully with nonbully, but unfortunately the odds are there that some 'bully with nonbully' matches will happen, and it leads to the nonbully getting hurt. Sad. :drowning
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    ASG, Its like you narrated my SIL's life. The only difference is she stays with her MIL.Her husband is a yes man.She gets to boss over him and her MIL same as before marriage(becoz she is the wise and mature one:rotfl:rotfl).So she is a born bully who got her way always.Her MIL has to cry to everybody that she got a DIL who is unreasonable and downright nasty at times.But my SIL has to cry foul to my husband that he is unlucky to have been married to a witch like me and his family will take the place of his wife.She goes on holidays with her husband and kids anytime she wants and takes all decisions of her life without her MIL's involvement but she has stories to tell about being happy family only by staying with her parents.Most important thing being shud revolve all decisions around staying with in laws and taking their suggestions for everything and doing it. I have to be on my toes everyday ,every moment with her on prowl always.She has a daughter and son. God save the DIL and SIL.
     
  7. SuganyaJawahar

    SuganyaJawahar Senior IL'ite

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    I have to accept to what you say. I wanna share my own experience here.
    When I was newly married, I use to visit my Mom's house everyday for a short time (since both MIL's home & mom's home are near-by). During one such visit, my Aunt had come to my mom's home & she started to enquire me about my IL's home & about the ppl there. Since its an usual one for the newly weds I was happily telling about everything.
    Aunt asked me if my MIL gives any work to me and I said, I just clean the floor and nothing else. Since, I donno cooking, my MIL use to do every work at the kitchen. I just help her with little things like cutting vegetables, setting the dining table,etc.. Once I said this, my Aunt was so happy and started to advice me that, I should stay this way and also asked me not to let my MIL give any work to me. My mom was so shocked and stopped her right away. I just have to point one thing here. My aunt is a person who was greatly affected by her MIL or atleast she says so. She is with an opinion that every MIL is evil in nature shakehead . Also, I have to state one more thing here, my Mom is also a person who had problems with her IL's & I personally had witnessed most of them, but she never tried to push the caution on me. So, it depends on the family & also according to the person.
    As of the thinking ability & education level of this generation, I hope most of the girls are open-minded and do not have come with any setback. Indeed, Society is not always good. It shows how bad it can go by looking at the news on how some old age people are left alone in the streets.
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. tiyamommy

    tiyamommy New IL'ite

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    I agree with Chitra m'am..
    For all the good MIL's who have to put up with immature DIL's...
    I really sympathise with such MIL's....
    My MIL herself has been an absolute tyrant on all my exteneded IL's..
    My GMIL used to live in our store room with so much of old vessels, raddi , old junk there. I saw her only in 2 sarees. Being used to doing some or the other work, she wud try to come n do her lil bits in kitchen and my MIL wud shoo her off saying , this lady doesnt know a thing abt cleanliness, she comes with all her dirty hands to help which is of no use. My MIL's co-sis and BIL's work like maids n servants when they come to our house coz they r poor and have this wish that this MIL will help them financially in thier kids m'ages( which i doubt).
    I have heard my FIL to be a good person, but has become so submissive , he just keeps nodding to my MIL. Thankfully for me , my DH isnt like him, he does what he feels is right.
    I always pointed this out to my DH , if she sets good examples, then the next gen will follow.. but see wat she is doing .. And during arguments, i even mentioned this to her.
    And luckily i have very good relation with all of my extended IL's n i had thier life long blessings when i did some minor financial help for them hiding from my MIL ( which she wud hate).

    In the current times, i , have heard my mom's friends DIL's stories who just dont plan to go to thier IL's place rt from the day of thier wedding wihtout any reason of fight or so.. They wont make this extra effort to impress thier IL's which is req for any relation to begin instead keep cribbing about what the IL's dint do...

    So may be the current gen has lots to learn , i wud req , all the senior members of IL to come forward and write the sacrifices , the adjustments , the compromises they made , so we will know , it's all worth...

    Cheers
    tiyamommy
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Chocolate,

    The reason why all of us ladies on this site relate to each other in one way or another, is because there are patterns in life for sure. Seems a bully is a bully, no matter what family they belong too, and all act similar.

    Sounds like your sil will become a tyrannical mil someday. :thumbsdown Because my sil can't reduce her weight she's been unable to have kids, so looks like the future generation is safe for now. I really pitty anyone who ends up with my sil as a mil. :spin

    I wonder what would happen though if a bad dil encountered a bad mil? It would be like war of the worlds lol. :rotfl
     
  10. raha256

    raha256 Bronze IL'ite

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    my MIL falls in this catagory. she was a very rude DIL. She forced my FIL to resign his very good job and brought him here. My MIL is staying her parents place. she never visites her IL. My DH and BIL dont know anything about their grand parents(FIL's parents). they know only my MIL's parents. she has taught that her parents are the only grandparents.

    Even today when her IL's calls she turns red. She never goes to their native palce. She avoids visiting them. She tells me not to visit them when i go to my mom's place. (my MIL's IL are near my mom place).

    During her IL's visit she tells that they have robbed, peeped through while she was sleeping, etc etc. My FIL without any analyses, believes his wife and will send them out immediately. She was a worst DIL.

    My FIL is perfect noddy. he noddes his head for everything. My MIL's talk is very divine for him.

    I feel these ladies are worst humans whether they are MIL /SIL/DIL. Worst then animals.

    rah
     

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