To respond to the questions in this post, you must first agree that arranged marriages in India still follow the fundamental structure of boy meets girl, they talk a few times, maybe about hobbies or surface-level topics, and then get married. There’s little deep conversation about values, future goals, or compatibility. If you don’t agree with this premise, that’s fine, please move on. If you agree with the above premise, here are two questions: Arranged marriages today still follow the same fundamental structure, with minor updates—perhaps the couple talks privately or meets few times — but there’s still no real getting to know each other phase, no discussions about future goals, nothing substantial. Yet, many women entering these marriages have modern aspirations—wanting a career, expecting emotional and sexual compatibility, and seeking a true partnership. This clash between an old system and modern expectations feels contradictory. Q1) Why do educated people choose this traditional arranged marriage path while expecting outcomes it was never designed for? We often attribute rising divorce rates to women becoming more independent, educated, and financially secure. Q2)Could another factor for rising divorce rates be that both women and men in arranged marriages are not doing their due diligence before committing?
One reason is family and societal pressure to get married by a certain age. Another reason is that dating requires initiative, risk, and possibility of rejection while the partner hunt in arranged marriage comes with a few built-in support structures. Yes.
Q1) Why do educated people choose this traditional arranged marriage path while expecting outcomes it was never designed for? In addition to the reasons you have listed, FOMO and Biological clock ticking away. Q2)Could another factor for rising divorce rates be that both women and men in arranged marriages are not doing their due diligence before committing? Yes. For sure, no due diligence before marriage is a major reason for the increase in divorce rates. Besides off course, the already known ones like - both the partners enter the relation with (unrealistic) expectations, there's interference from well-meaning friends and family members. Most grooms these days are guys who have been raised like 'Raja babu' and most brides are girls raised as "Papa ki pari". They grow up with a sense of entitlement and having no commitment to anything and then enter the wedlock with the same attitude. Pre-nuptial agreements, DINK lifestyles contribute further to increasing divorce rates. How could one ensure a foolproof due diligence though? eg Unpleasant facts could be deliberately concealed during the courtship, right?
"One reason is family and societal pressure to get married by a certain age. Another reason is that dating requires initiative, risk, and possibility of rejection while the partner hunt in arranged marriage comes with a few built-in support structures." Todays youngsters, especially in the marriageable age, do not fall for pressure, since this generation enjoys a lot more freedom of choice, expression and what not. Unlike in the past they do not meekly accept the familiy's pressures. By the time the kids are in high school, all have girl or boy friends, dating, continue in college then work, so these kids when become adults need not be introduced anew to the other gender to suggest marriage. By the time they settle down comfortably in a job, they are almost well versed in the trend in expectations about life from both sides. It is a wonder that this AM still continues to this day in families. Though there are a few men & women who focus only on the career or the immediate family commitments etc and do not think about marriage or further commitment. Only the parents of such young adults suggest AM. If it not the parents who set up the date, Yes, we can call that, it is the friends, apps etc. So basically it is all the same. How many marry or get connected through other than AM, get disappointed within a few months or years, separate etc.? How many rants and 'she cheated on me', he cheated on me' we hear around? It is not the fault of any system, AM or otherwise. Fundamentally expectations have risen so high among men & women that they are not able to cope up with the pressures of life. Neither of them are willing to adjust to the co living . Add to that, unlike before, most of the women are economically independent and trained so, 'why adjust, when I can take care of myself ?' is the attitude of women. While men were not opposed to marriage all these years since the society was more patriarchal, now they are getting rejected by girls due to many reasons. Add to that the alimony issues etc are turning against them, actually they are scared to commit now. We are totally westernised in everything except civic sense, so it is all down to the individual and not any system. 'the partner hunt in arranged marriage comes with a few built-in support structures" The only thing that comes from AM is that if properly researched and probed both families can know more about each other. Even that is not a guarantee nowadays . Hence the break up if happens involves both families that is all.
Marriage decisions are deeply subjective and often influenced by the family type one belongs to. Most often than not, the people belong to modern yet traditional family set up have complexed expectations from arranged marriages. Our grand mothers from typical traditional families did not have any expectations, and our daughters who will be raised in modern families will have clear expectations. People like myself who are modern by choice, yet traditional by family are the confused ones. Many individuals take their parents and extended families into consideration, especially if they hold traditional values. Love marriages, particularly inter-caste or inter-religious unions remain a taboo topic in many educated families. As a result, it is often deemed safer to entrust marriage decisions to parents, who can find a ‘suitable’ partner based on family standards. Past relationship experiences also play a role. Many educated individuals may have experienced love during their school or college years, but due to various reasons, those relationships did not work out. Some even explored live-in relationships in different cities where they studied or worked, but after a breakup, they opted for arranged marriage as a more secure and socially accepted choice. A long courtship does not guarantee a successful marriage. Married life presents its own set of challenges, and success depends on the willingness of both partners to navigate them. External influences, such as in-laws and extended relatives, can sometimes create additional pressures. However, in arranged marriages, the involvement of family often provides a structured approach, which some perceive as a safer option. I don’t believe rising divorce rates are solely due to a lack of due diligence in arranged marriages. Even investigations conducted by professionals can fail to predict how an individual’s mindset may evolve over time. While some level of background checking before marriage can be beneficial, compatibility is far more crucial. A successful partnership is not about two identical individuals, just as a cup is best paired with a saucer, not another cup. The ability to accept and adapt to each other’s differences is what truly makes a strong marriage.
Marriage decisions are deeply subjective and often influenced by the family type one belongs to. Most often than not, the people belong to modern yet traditional family set up have complexed expectations from arranged marriages. Our grand mothers from typical traditional families did not have any expectations, and our daughters who will be raised in modern families will have clear expectations. People like myself who are modern by choice, yet traditional by family are the confused ones. Many individuals take their parents and extended families into consideration, especially if they hold traditional values. Love marriages, particularly inter-caste or inter-religious unions remain a taboo topic in many educated families. As a result, it is often deemed safer to entrust marriage decisions to parents, who can find a ‘suitable’ partner based on family standards. Past relationship experiences also play a role. Many educated individuals may have experienced love during their school or college years, but due to various reasons, those relationships did not work out. Some even explored live-in relationships in different cities where they studied or worked, but after a breakup, they opted for arranged marriage as a more secure and socially accepted choice. A long courtship does not guarantee a successful marriage. Married life presents its own set of challenges, and success depends on the willingness of both partners to navigate them. External influences, such as in-laws and extended relatives, can sometimes create additional pressures. However, in arranged marriages, the involvement of family often provides a structured approach, which some perceive as a safer option. I don’t believe rising divorce rates are solely due to a lack of due diligence in arranged marriages. Even investigations conducted by professionals can fail to predict how an individual’s mindset may evolve over time. While some level of background checking before marriage can be beneficial, compatibility is far more crucial. A successful partnership is not about two identical individuals, just as a cup is best paired with a saucer, not another cup. The ability to accept and adapt to each other’s differences is what truly makes a strong marriage.
Funny it may look but a corporate manufacturing company in China has asked its unmarried/divorced employees to get married and produce at least one child. The reason could be that population does matter for economic reasons. India has surpassed China in population. So one reason why marriages do happen could be for reproduction. Reproduction is possible without marriage but the very sense of possession comes from commitment. Now, coming to your questions, in our times marriages were not between two individuals but between two families and both were expected to follow traditions. Times change and must change. Education of women made them mentally and financially independent. This does not mean they have to stay together come what may. American President Donald Trump married and divorced three times but kept the children in good care. Elon Musk also married and divorced 5 times and has 11 children all well taken care of. My point is divorce should not be the death knell for children.
Always due-diligence is based on known understanding and facts in a given circumstances. Things like career growth, educational background, family support system, children's education, balance between work and life, etc. evolves and changes even after the marriage. It is always difficult to predict everything ahead in life. Mostly, people in this type of marriages adapt to the needs knowing that all future plans can never be predicted with pinpoint accuracy and will be subject to change. There can only be broad understanding up front in both cases. I honestly believe the type of marriage has nothing to do with divorce and it is directly proportional to how each person in the marriage differ in their thinking as they move along together. Just because the couple knew each other better before marriage doesn't establish the longivity of a marriage, even though, it might slighly increase the probability. As I mentioned earlier, it depends on how both people evolve over a period of time, their career ambitions, their experiences with each other and how they perceived them, what kind of inputs were received from third parties about the problems described by them and how much those opinions influence their decisions, etc. It is a misnomer to assume that arranged marriages fail more than love marriages. In fact, in the western world, all marriages are love marriages but they have higher divorce ratio than traditional/arranged Indian marriages. It also depends on how a marriage is perceived. If someone things it is just an arrangement between two consenting man and woman, it has a different perspective. In some cases, both of them may consider that relationship as sacrosanct and may do everything to keep that in tact and yet express the differences within that arrangement. Love exists in both type of marriages and differences also exist in both type of marriages. How it is being handled varies depending on the couple.
