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Unpleasant conversation with Mil...how to proceed to keep in touch?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by snm1984, Nov 28, 2012.

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  1. Nov 28, 2012 #1
    snm1984

    snm1984 Platinum IL'ite

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    I finally initiated conversation with Mil on Diwali after a long gap.I was not on talking terms with her due to various issues mentioned in my previous thread.

    I finally made up my mind to talk to her as I could sense that it was affecting my relationship with Dh. When ever I told him I will talk to his mom,he always made excuses stating she was in a bad mood or something,but later he would bring it up in arguments.So on Diwali day though he was against it,I told him its not nice if we continue like this and I talked in his presence.

    She was rude from the very beginning brought up all the past issues and at one point I too lost my cool and :rant her.One of her main complaints was I should have come to her house and informed her before leaving for US.I told her that she can't expect me to come to her house when she always rejected my calls and badmouthed about me to my own relatives .I am hurt by all her actions and I too have self respect as a person.

    For that she replied in a arrogant way saying what self respect,you shouldn't see self respect when talking to elderly people.If it were your parents would you do like this and blah blah.She basically denied everything,saying that she never let me down in front of a third person quoting some stupid incident.She said that her own mom(Dh's grandmother) suggested that since I had not yet conceived,it will be better if they did second marriage for my Dh. And her mighty highness supported me and stopped talking to her mom because of this. She just went on and on talking crap about me and my parents and arguing like a mad woman.I just cut her conversation told her I didn't call to argue,I just wanted to wish her on Diwali and slammed the phone down.

    I felt so sick and disgusted after talking to her.I am pretty sure the "second marriage" story was meant to indirectly threaten me,she's so cunning and manipulative.I told Dh that his mom might or have plans of arranging a second marriage in future if I had problems in conceiving,at that time he had to choose.And if he wanted to follow her orders he should let me know now it self,I would be gone.He just kept quiet and I couldn't sleep the entire night.The next day he kinda apologized for her behavior and told once we had a baby these problems will reduce.And told me not to worry,he will be there for me.Since that incident he seems to have a soft corner for me,everything is back to normal now after a long time my old Dh is back,though I am learning not to trust him fully.

    So guys please tell me if I should continue to keep in touch with her for the sake of Dh and future?I want to remain strong but somehow she manages to provoke me and get under my nerves.Not talking to her will also create problems for me in future.Damned if I do and damned if I don't,please tell me how to proceed.
     
    snm1984, Nov 28, 2012
    snm1984, Nov 28, 2012
    #1
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  2. Nov 28, 2012 #2
    lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    A big nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........dont keep in touch with such people till she realises her mistake(thats not gonna happen).But your husband should support you for that .Make sure your husband does that.
     
    lukywife, Nov 28, 2012
    lukywife, Nov 28, 2012
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  3. Nov 28, 2012 #3
    1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Snm,

    You did the right thing. And it was a very brave thing to do. It is not easy, to volunteer to talk to someone who hates you and whose every word for you feels like poison and goes on repeating in your mind for days and days. Still you screwed up your courage and bit the bullet. So at least, feel good about yourself that you did the right thing and did not shirk it. Bravo!

    Don't hold her words against your h. Tell him what she said this time, if he asks, in a helpless kind of way, like you don't know what to do anymore. But be your normal self with him otherwise.

    From your husband's behaviour and actions it sounds like he wants normalcy between you and her but fears it as well. Follow his cues on what to do next. Discuss with him and together you both decide the next step. If he is okay with no more talking after this then dont insist. If he wants you to try again, then when the occasion arises again, talk to her again. But next time, talk to her on speaker phone, in his presence.
     
    1Sandhya, Nov 28, 2012
    1Sandhya, Nov 28, 2012
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  4. Nov 28, 2012 #4
    sashacurios

    sashacurios Silver IL'ite

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    i am sorry, i dont know what to say... but something that caught my eye here was that's quoted below

    In this century people still have the guts to say its the Girl's problem if the couple do not hav a kid! Am sorry but i am a person going through fertility problems one way or other, and i couldn't just ignore it!!
     
    sashacurios, Nov 28, 2012
    sashacurios, Nov 28, 2012
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  5. Nov 28, 2012 #5
    poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    call her ONLY on festive occassions...speaker fone should be on and husband beside you...wish her...talk about the weather...ask about some xyz people in ur inlaws family...state you left something on the stove...hand over the fone to DH....yes,i do this with all my SIL's...its doable....went through hell with their antiques..now they dont dare mess with me,atleast on my face..if she starts a fight or brings up past issues,hand over the fone to DH stating you called to wish her and will not tolerate about any past issues on such occasions...no 'she questioning you about past,you answering game'...

    concentrate on your fertility issues..this in itself is a tough road..there should be no room left for other worthless things right now.
     
    poojachinoy, Nov 28, 2012
    poojachinoy, Nov 28, 2012
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  6. Nov 28, 2012 #6
    reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    If I was in your position, I wouldnt call her.

    "Calling and keeping in touch" are gestures of caring for each other and I personally dont see any point in regularly calling someone who just wants to batter your confidence and is uncivilized like your MIL.

    By calling her,you have made the first move to patch things up. Now leave it at that and focus on your own life.
     
    reshsabu, Nov 28, 2012
    reshsabu, Nov 28, 2012
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  7. Nov 28, 2012 #7
    haagesummane

    haagesummane Gold IL'ite

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    I may not be right considering the bad phase u r going thru..but I remember one line here "If a person throws the stones at you,collect those stones and build a house"
    Just hug her once and wish her... it can be done by getting in touch with someone to whom she is close like her daughter,sister and say ur intention.
    All the best..!!!
     
    haagesummane, Nov 28, 2012
    haagesummane, Nov 28, 2012
    #7
  8. Nov 28, 2012 #8
    ChandrikaV

    ChandrikaV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear SNM,

    I read your previous posts to understand your situation. I came to know that you are married for around 2 years and both of you are relatively young. So I do not understand the reason on your MIL part to even mention about the second marriage even if your husband's grand mother brought it up. It is really uncouth on her part. Based on this alone, I am for avoiding talking to her at all cost for your mental and physical health. Just my 2 cents.

    Love
    CV
     
    ChandrikaV, Nov 28, 2012
    ChandrikaV, Nov 28, 2012
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  9. Nov 28, 2012 #9
    coolpinky

    coolpinky Platinum IL'ite

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    This is what I feel,
    After getting to know what has happened. Your DH might try to keep you away from her. If that happens, go according to him.
    Next time ask him before you call your MIL, if he is ok talk to her in his presence prefarably over speaker phone, else leave.

    Your DH is with you dont worry.
     
    coolpinky, Nov 28, 2012
    coolpinky, Nov 28, 2012
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    2 people like this.
  10. Nov 28, 2012 #10
    foxybeat

    foxybeat Platinum IL'ite

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    For your own peace of mind, its important that you do not keep in touch with her. You can wish her on festival days or on occasions on the speaker phone in front of your DH. A simple ' Hello , How are you' should be enough.

    You do not need excess stress, sleeplessness nights especially when you are TTC. Please concentrate on yourself, keeping yourself healthy, your DH and your married life. That is more important than anything else.
     
    foxybeat, Nov 28, 2012
    foxybeat, Nov 28, 2012
    #10
    2 people like this.
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