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Unlucky Or Did I Deserve This ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Deborah, Aug 7, 2017.

  1. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    The background - I was in a relationship during my college days.He was my crush and we eventually got into a relationship.The feelings I had for him, I have never had again. That was and is love according to me . He was nice to me, dependable and I wanted to spend our lives together ( pardon me getting emotional here, nostalgia.)Anyhow, after college, realities of life ( job, further studies, no marriage scene for 3-4 years to come,lack of long term commitment etc) kind of strained our relationship and I broke up with him. There were other facets too but the above were more important.He approached me later on couple of times, but I always refused trusting in my decision. I later met my now husband , had a long distance relationship with him for almost an year and later we got married. Once we actually spent some time together, I realized that he is in fact very different as appeared from the talks we had had.We are not suited for each other.Our personalities didn't match , he is not emotional.There had been red flags earlier too but I guess I was too emotionally involved to use my head and ignored them. Fast forward , got married thinking that things will work out , have a kid now. We fight quite frequently over petty stuff to big issues, he still remains as he was.Not emotionally connected, more happy with his own work or TV etc.I can't help but feel unlucky. I had a guy who atleast reciprocated my feelings,displayed affection and yet I broke his heart .And got married to a guy is poles apart.I know it's futile and stupid to think like this but did I deserve this . Sometimes, I think it's a payback. I hurt someone and now I am the one getting hurt. Did I really deserve this? I think of my ex a lot specially after a huge fight with my husband. I have never contacted him nor will do so (not that stupid) but I always end up thinking that I could have had something better and it's all my fault in the end.I don't know how to wrap my head around this.This is just a vent although any thoughts would be welcome.
     
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  2. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Pardon me if Iam wrong and this is my opinion - I can say that once you are committed, it's a long term interdependent relationship and forget about ur past life. Try to make the most out of what you have in hand. Hope he has not ill treated you or with another woman. Don't think about a guy who has crossed your life in the past and now u should not spoil this relationship and feel about it later. Be honest with him, talk with him or go to a counselor for your problems. Pls don't think about that guy . Let that guy live his life happily and you be honest with your husband. Spend good time with your kid.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
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  3. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for your thoughts. The thing is I was never in contact with the ex after the break up, and have no intention of doing so.I don't know where is he or what he is up to.I don't regret my decision of breaking up with him.I am not living in my past.However, I am kind of sad in my marriage.There are differences between us which talking would not resolve.I don't feel any connection with my husband.It is a commitment and I am working my way through it, but I regret the decision of marrying him.I believed I was making the right decision and it didn't turn out like that.There is no other woman or ill treating.I stay busy coz of my kid.But I feel sad for myself and it is at such times, I think whether this was Karma- I broke somebody's heart and now my life is unhappy.
     
  4. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    The other day I was watching a TED-talk, and saw this slide on screen. Remembered to take a screen shot for sending it to another friend.
    upload_2017-8-7_12-29-58.png

    The woman who was giving the talk said that it is common for people to dissect complicated problems into several simple problems, and deal with them in some rational sequence. For complex problems, unfortunately, there is no clear recipe. Individuals have to come up with their own coping mechanisms.
    For what it is worth, it is common knowledge that most cohabiting situations are complex problems, and quite often you couldn't foresee what is bound to happen later on. And the best coping mechanism would always involve not making the situation any more complex than it already is. Good luck.
     

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  5. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Oh that's good to hear that u don't have Intention to have contact with ur ex. Differences will always be there for any couple. Even without solution it exists. Yes you may feel sad or dissatisfied sometimes. But that is not going to continue I say. Sometimes we need to be patient to achieve some favour in life. When there is no pain, there is no gain. Some couple seem to be happy always but that doesn't mean they don't have differences and all additives. Have a positive outlook, keep ur home pleasant and neat. Do join some yoga class. Visit some place with ur husband for a change ( even if he doesn't feel interested it's OK). The change in you could bring a change in him. I promise if u make thing interestingly it will have a positive impact in ur life. Not everybody will get everything. , Come on. Live your life. These are not my words but my experiences in life. Enjoy.
     
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  6. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Karma is a overrated concept . Most of us try to do what we think is right at that particular point of time. You don't know that married life with your ex would be rosy as you think it would be. Work with what you have, I assume you are trying to make this marriage work. Give it your best. Try not to regret anything .


     
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  7. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    No you didn't deserve this, and no, this is not a result of bad karma either. You made the best choice you could have under the circumstances. Didn't work out as you'd hoped. C'est la vie. Life is not fair. We all learn that eventually, often the hard way.

    One way to put past decisions into context is to imagine what you would have lost had you chosen differently. We can never foresee how our choices would have played out, or what the sum total of their impact on our lives would have been. If we could view ourselves across multiple timelines, in parallel universes, playing out the consequences of all our past choices, I suspect most of us would gladly cling to our present lives. Whatever you feel about the choices you made, remember they are responsible for the beautiful child you now have in your life.

    There are no mulligans in life. No undo button. You can't change what happened. But you can still choose what will happen. Dwelling on past mistakes will not fix them. A stoic acceptance is far more beneficial in such a situation. It will give you the clarity required to prevent future regrets. Don't be a prisoner of the past. Look ahead. You are a capable, independent woman. Pick yourself up and vow to make a happy life for yourself and your child. For that you have to start by making a clear distinction between what you can change and what you can't or don't want to change. Identify your choices, then act on them. Let go of what can't be changed. Can you work on your marriage? Find ways to engage your husband? Is counseling an option? Can you end the marriage and start afresh? Only you can decide where you want your life to go. Keep in mind, now that you are a mother, your child's well-being should be an important consideration in determining your future course of action.

    If you find yourself paralyzed by feelings of regret and sadness, I can suggest a simple mindfulness exercise that, with enough practice, will help you remain focused on the present and avoid unproductive rumination. I am a serial regretter and this exercise has helped me through many a rough patch in life.

    -- Find yourself a small notepad and a pencil, or if you want something handier, get one of these clickers. Every time you find yourself dwelling on your past or are overcome with regret, note the feeling. Keep a tally of the number of times this happens in a day, either on paper or on the clicker. Don't do anything about it, just make a gentle mental note. Silently say to yourself -- 'thinking' or 'feeling' -- then divert your attention towards constructive action. Come up with simple strategies to engage your spouse, spend time with your child, or just do something good for yourself. What we are trying to do is to put some distance between the thought and the emotions that arise from that thought. Your goal is to reframe the feelings of helplessness into a sense of control. Every morning reset the tally and face the day with renewed optimism.

    Remember happiness is a choice and more often than not it boils down to one simple principle -- being able to distinguish between what is up to us and what isn't, especially when we are distressed. Emotionally resilient people remain focused on the here and now. They dedicate themselves to working on the things they can change, while accepting that some things are simply beyond their control and there is no point in wasting time or energy dwelling on them.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
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  8. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    i beg to differ from other posters.....this is karmic energy coming back if u really were dishonest in ur intentions with someone......i have seen too many good n bad karmic things amongst social circles to turn 360 degrees from a complete ATHEIST to believing in God n karma...i never prayed in my life for a very very very long time or believed much in God as i had an extremely comfortable life growing up.....but saw too many things amongst social circle that proved God's / karma's presence....karma/god/universe can wreck or make anyone's situations!!

    u seem to be in a deadbeat marriage ..well, u only know the truth n no amount of yes or no justifications from posters here will reduce ur misery unfortunately ..

    ur own conscinece will guide u the best on how to deal with ur deadbeat marriage... ...n karma can never be re-done..all those who r saying they don't care about karma are miserable enough or haven't looked around much n r in their farce bubble ...
    ................n yes truth hurts but its better to admit in ur conscience so that it can guide u in right direction..n it seems to be ur sixth sense or conscience that is putting these thoughts in ur head to point out the dead-beat marriage...
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
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  9. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur thought. OK so what should be done to make things better in her life? All the advices given before are practical. According to yours, It is true that her conscience will guide her properly. For that what she has to do further? Can you Pls pour in.
     
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  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    You want her to pour more ? :tearsofjoy:
     
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