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Unloving Partner

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by amulya2020, Jul 18, 2021.

  1. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    What to do in a relationship if you are feeling unloved or you have been taken for granted?

    I don’t know how to feel or convince /console my self to be at peace. I’m usually a caring, sensitive person and only thing I expect from a relationship is little attention, caring (at least when feeling low or not well), be with a person to whom I can share anything without a fear of being judged, maintain a normal relationship with my family members like any other family. For me s.. is never a priority, a hug every now and then, be with a partner where we can talk freely like friends or well wishers, who can do little little things to make me happy or uplift my mood when low, summing up to feel desired and being loved. I’m not even a kind of person who much into shopping or buying Jwelers too or expect a expensive gifts or big surprises (however I like surprises). I’m fine if my partner is not romantic, or loving but least I expect is caring and sensitive towards my feelings or at least leave me just complicating my life.

    I’m married to a person that does not have any of these qualities but quite opposite of which I wanted, on top of he is this very boring, uncaring, emotionless strong headed, self centered person, does not have any sense of humor but instead his way of talking is either poking, criticizing manner or puts off my mood. He is neither much connected emotionally norphysically. The only thing he is connected is food nothing else in the world. But still I care for him or support him emotionally even before asking and take care of little things that fills his emotional/ physical tank.

    Now he is mostly like does do anything that makes me happy or keeps at peace. He doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him or doesn’t even compliment me if I dress up. What surprises me is he is in his mid 30’s but still attracted to materialistic things around him as a teenager or under matured person like looks up to women who are more white, lean or more beautiful, ( just for this context- I feel I’m decently good looking). He don’t have a habit of wishing on birthdays, celebrate or not even wish on any other spl occasions like marriage anniversary’s, festivals or New Year. Doesn’t help in any household work(expected very rarely- not even when I worked or when I’m not well), doesn’t take any initiation in taking care of my kid or make them read or write or helping kid learn to communicate. Most of the times he busy with work or remaining time watching phone or laptop. He doesn’t talk much nor listens actively when saying something.

    The only thing good about him is he does his responsibility(job) and looking after needs at home (groceries). I try to adjust myself according to his needs( follow his budget consideration, most of the time make dishes as per his wishes, do everything a wife does or sometimes little more). He behaves as if he is ignorant of my needs or wishes, almost be like took me for granted.

    Gradually I became numb to his insensitiveness ( I mean there are lot of things I can complain but brief summary) or emotionally strong a bit( with not expecting much from him).With no change in his behavior, I have started prioritizing myself and decreased the services that I do. That feels so much better and I see a very little change in him sometimes.

    My main concern is like I’m good till my mood is alright and I’m happy or positive state. But something happens or at some point of time anything triggers or when I’m low. That’s it as I said my husband does not know how to talk normally or pokes me or I feel like not loved. I will be flooded with all these negative thoughts or emotions, I start feeling lonely, helplessness and the sad part is I will be like this untilI normalize or get deviated with my work. He nevergives a damn to console me. Sometimes I even curse my fate why is this happening with me. Why somepeople are so lucky to have such caring husbands, who is good at least in one or the other way( contrastingly their wife’s less caring or might not make any efforts to be loved by husbands) but still betreated lot better or lot of flexibility in every aspect of their life. Where as I’m giving so much importance but still not same love and care reciprocated back equally by this person. Deep inside my heart I even start comparing with the person who proposed me before marriage(initially friends later proposed but didn’t accept to the fact parents won’t accept and both were clear on it and haven’t proceeded) who treated me very special and listened to whatever I had to say and always appreciated. Immediately my mind goes like what how it would be if that person was there in my life I would been more happier and I feel more helpless or low.

    so here’s my question, how can I convince my self tobe happy or emotionally filled or be emotionally strong with such partner ?
    Don’t mind if you found anything silly or my explanation is very clumsy or not clear in some places. I just wanted to vent it out and haven’t rechecked it.

    TIA
     
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  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    You have posted the thread twice. I also happened to notice a quote in another thread that was in-between your two posts.
    Everyday you can see IL members posting PRAYERS to various gods, goddesses. They are probably doing a lot of chanting and meditations at home also. You may do all that, if you are so inclined. Then do some exercises at home, like yoga, and breathing exercises. Try to become slimmer, if you think that would make you look even more beautiful.
    Minimize your services to husband, and increase attention to the children. How many do you have ? Those are enough. Go an annual medical checkup; talk to your doctor about your physical body as well as mental state. Take vitamins everyday, wear masks when you meet others or go out.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2021
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  3. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    @amulya2020
    I feel for what you are going through. I hope this advice by @Rihana helps you. Here is the link of that post.

    @Rihana's response in Do's And Don'ts Of Married Life

    Just quoting what she said in that post
     
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  4. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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  5. RatnaMalliswari

    RatnaMalliswari Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    I understand,but you need to come out of this,your partner is not your entire life,he is just a part of life,you did your best,when your partner can't see what you are,what you want and what you did for him.I don't feel spending time, thinking of him, will solve your problem,as you said you are getting emotionally weak,it will damage you.What I suggest create your own space with job,earn be financially independent, if you are not a job holder,then do some job,get busy,be away from him as much as you can,write down list of things you want to in your life like your hobbies,develop them.
    In simple words I say, don't have any attachment,do for him like cooking just as your job, don't expect back any compliment,or any kind of response from him.
    Dear,we got this life, enjoy it as much as you can.Keeping all this in my mind, yesterday I wrote one post, please read at your convenience.Hope it may be useful to you.No worries,do your best,rest leave to god.Surly you will have happy days.Be Happy, Healthy, Ever smiling.Keep posting in IL,you enjoy your life.
    Here is the link of my post Loc
    Regards
    Ratna
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2021
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  6. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Hi OP,

    I am sorry that you are undergoing a phase which i did experience few years ago. Being taken for granted.

    When i went through a similar situation like yours, i had a realisation and that realisation is what keeps me going even to this day! In any situation, the only person who can help you is YOU yourself. Nobody can help us out of anything other than ourselves. For a person who has been taking care of a husband who seems ot be unsupportive, can you not spare all that time and energy and work on yourself? You can. Try to prioritise you.

    The reason for these trigger points i feel is that you are stil not fully convinced about giving up on him. Somewhere in your heart deep down, you are still hoping and wishing that he looks up and wishes you, admires you, atleast says a beautiful thing about you. But only if wishes come true.

    There is something you can do though. Stop your expectation. Its simple. Do you expect your neighbor to appreciate you for everything you do? No right, think of your husband as a neighbor. If you do something for him, its because you have to. Go back to your work or what you want to do and concentrate on that. Or say you still want him to appreciate you, then ask him directly. "How am i looking in this dress?" or " How is the sambar today?" If he replies in a sarcastic or hurtful manner, then dont even bother asking him. Some people are just like that.

    Just remember, we have complete control only over ourselves. We cannot control anyone other than us. Stop expectations completely. If you dress up, dress up the way you want. If you are cooking something, then cook something that you always wanted to try. If you are working then divert your energy into trying to get a promotion. Or at home? then cultivate a new hobby. I am sure you would have had a lot of dreams or new things you always wanted to try out since college. Make those dreams come true.

    In short, live your life the way you would have lived had you lived before marriage. Talk to your friends, parents, read comedy stories or watch comedy movies.

    t

    The trick is not to convince but believe in it. If you are trying to convince you are happy, then it means you are still somewhere unconvinced about being happy without him. Believe that you like every other person in this world deserves happiness. Believe that your husband is another human being not god so his opinions are just that - opinions! not the ultimate truth.

    Just quoting an example here: Yesterday my husband was saying i would make a crappy professional if i am to carry on things in this way. a few years ago, i would have broke down. Wondered how can he say such things. Now how will i ever become a good professional? What am i to do and would have felt helpless and i would have cried myself to sleep for a month. .... now? Nope. I told him his opinions just that his views. I dont give a damn he believes i can be a good professional or a bad professional. I will be THE professional i want to be, not someone's view of how i should be.

    To reach here, this stage where nothing bothers me, i had to be so strong. I dressed for myself, i cooked for myself. There was a time i placed myself even before my kids. Like if i felt i was unhappy, i would so something that would make me cheerful like eating an icecream, chococolate, or shopping for something that i always wanted. It helped. And i truly believed that only i am responsible for my happiness and no body else.

    Stop expecting things from anybody. Believe that you have the strength to come out of whatever you are feeling. You will eventually. When you get moments of unhappiness or feeling low, then watch a comedy movie or read a comic book. Stay strong!
     
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  7. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    @RatnaMalliswari and @beautifullife30 Don’t know but felt happy reading your messages in the morning. Thank you your suggestions it made me feel heard and better today. :blush:
     
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  8. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    My overthinking nature may the reason that I’m just overwhelmed with the thoughts and emotions in such condition.

    True, I’m trying to do the same but may be I should continue doing it when I’m low as well. Thank you, I will try to work on it and sure will go through that post.
     
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  9. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    :hearteyes:
    Glad to get suggestions from person with experience. This has brought me a new dimension to my way of thinking.

    Certain areas I was awed by your logical explanation. Felt like you personally seen my condition, felt my pain and given suggestion. Thank you taking time and coming up with precise explanation. Surely will remember your words.:hearteyes:
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    I liked this:
    I remember an old TV personality who would walk into his house, call the house "his neighborhood", call someone in the house "his neighbor", take of his jacket, hang it in the closet, and wear a cardigan, take off his shoes, wear an indoor shoe, and all the time talking straight at the camera to his neighbor. :roflmao:

    His wife probably called him "a neighbor" also !! Take a look:
    "Won't You Be My Neighbor"
     

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