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Uninvited guests

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lifezbeautiful, Aug 18, 2010.

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  1. lifezbeautiful

    lifezbeautiful New IL'ite

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    Need suggestion from you guys on how to deal with these uninvited guests and how to let them know politely what their limits are.

    Background - My husband's friend and his wife moved recently to this city where we live. I met them for the first time 4 weeks back. They are nice people in general - they are caring, god fearing and are always in good mood.

    The problem is that they come home uninvited (on week days too) and think my home is theirs. Both of them do not mind entering the kitchen and checking if there is anything to eat - I mean, even if I offer them something, they do not sit at one place. They keeping checking my things and I get so irritated by this.

    And whenever they come, they do not leave the house before its too late (like 1 AM) and this happens during week days too. Last week, they invited us and an another family for dinner. After dinner, the other family left and I wanted to leave too. But they wanted us to stay. When I kept refusing, the girl started making fun of us. She said maybe we wanted to 'plan for a family' and that's why I wanted to leave. GOD!! I just found it very difficult to ignore her comment and be normal.

    They come our place and I wouldn't have prepared dinner. So they say we'll go out for dinner. Whenever we all go out for dinner, we take turns to pay. And I've noticed that whenever his turn comes, we either go to subway or some other place where the food is inexpensive. But whenever my husband has to pay, he insists on going to expensive restaurants and we end up paying like 100 dollars. This has happened 4 times.
    When I discuss this with my husband, he says its not intentional and that I should not make this a big deal. Maybe my husband is not smart enough to notice this or I am making a big deal out of nothing - I really don't know!!

    We want to plan for a trip during the long weekend and they have been telling us that wherever we go, they want to join us :( How do I politely tell them that I do not want them to come with us?

    My husband tells me to ignore everything as she is pregnant and in a few months she would become busy. But I doubt it. She told me yesterday that when the baby is 4 months old, we all should go on a road trip to some place :( I know I can refuse it, but what scares me is that she might come home as usual even after the baby is born!

    Girls, please tell me how to make them understand their limits without hurting them.
     
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  2. lifezbeautiful

    lifezbeautiful New IL'ite

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  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    As far as outings and eat outs are concerned, I guess just chill and let your husband handle it. Unless your husband feels the pinch, do not push or make a big issue out of it because you might end up picking fights and having bad mood with your husband. The other couple would be all fine. So think is it worth fighting about the other couple?

    Next about the other lady being pregnant, yes after the baby is born they would be busy atleast for couple of months. Might be use those months to create new friends or neighbours so that you wont be the only target for that lady. Moreover if youare not having kids, going along with people who have kids would end up being messy...I would prefer to make friends with newly weds or couples who dont have kids yet, that way you both are on the same thoughts, same plans etc....but if you have kids, this other friend would make a good company as you both can share and care aobut kids.

    As far as trying to reduce the no. of visits, remember that you shouldnt voice it out openly about your displeasure. You have to take steps like, making a personal outing plan with your husband, and when you want to go home quickly, tell your husband before hand that you want to be home by certain time and you dont care what that lady tells you and that he has to understand your need to come back home. Ask him what is a comfortable time to get back home. and stick to that time line whether that lady forces or not.

    Morethan looking at the other lady and her actions, look at you and your husband and think what changes you can bring in at your end. you cant change the other lady. all you can do is change yourself and make some groundrules so that your husband doesnt look at you as a nagging wife or a wife who doesnt get along with his friends.
     
  4. anukv

    anukv Bronze IL'ite

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    even we have friends like that...but we dont take it seriously.....and there is nothing to worry abt it...we are staying in United States away from family and relatives...we shud be greatful to have friends like that ...and we can count on them in hard times...think again with a cool mind..good luck..dont take stress for unnecessary things.
     
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    My first thought was that it could be their first time in the US away from home and they are clinging to u both .Even so it can get very annoying to have guests who come unannounced and refuse to take a hint and stay for way too long on week nights or weekends. If its once in a while its ok but if becomes a habit ur friendship could sour. Its better u set limits and that way the friendship can actually survive.

    Here is how I would handle it.
    1)Tell the lady casually but clearly that u prefer if they called and came ..and that way u can be better prepared about logistics of completing the chores or figuring out dinner. Dont assume they will autmomatically know..some just dont get it. Keep ur voice soft and continue to smile to take the edge off.
    2) When they do visit and refuse to budge after a few hours.( set a limit with ur husband ...mine on a weekday or sunday night is 9 and weekends 11) . Tell them you are tired and u need to wrap things up and get ready for the next day. Start giving subtle hints using ur body language or get off the couch and get into the kitchen and start ur unwinding process. Do this a couple of days.
    If even after that they continue to stay late..they need a rude lesson..next time they come and stay way past time tell them u had a long day and u need to wind down. Dont stay and wait for their approval .Say good night and go to bed. If ur husband wishes to indulge he can ..but it will get boring after a while and they will leave.
    3) Before u go to their house tell ur husband that u leave at a certain time. At the appointed time ..both of u need to get up and say quick good byes and leave . Dont prolong it. Dont wait around asking for approval. Just leave. If she does make snide comments..just roll ur eyes and say.."Oh my how did u ever get idea! " Dont let it bother u.
    4) Weekend plans .U want to go somewhere alone..just go. U are neither obliged to tell them where u re going or where u had been.
    In case they do come over to ur place and see u are not there ..tell them.."Oh I told u ..u should have called and come . We were out for groceries or mall orwhat ever "

    About the splitting of dinner costs and things like that ...well I have seen that too..and its best to usually let it go. Some people are cheap and there isnt much u can do about it.

    Dont worry too much about their plans to go for long drives when the baby is 4 months old. This is probably their first one. They have no idea what to expect.
     
  6. gjaya

    gjaya Silver IL'ite

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    Splitting dinner costs, I would not let it slide IMO, have seen personally happening to us and its not a great feeling . For us it was just getting too much and out of hand, especially when we don't drink and all our friends do and drinks here in US costs a lot.

    This is not the question of nagging your husband about the dinner cost, I am sure he does notices it but perhaps doesn't know how to approach the issue without sounding rude.

    This is what we have done and you could try this, next time you go for dinner, let the waitress know before hand that the bill needs to be separated. Simple! Whether it be an expensive restaurant or Subway, there is going to be separate bills. By the way it is not something unusual request, that is the most easiest thing to do and most follow it here in US.

    When we did that for couple of times, obviously they get a hint and now we have no problems when we go out for dinner. We pay our part of the order and they pay theirs. Everyone is happy.
     
  7. DNM

    DNM Silver IL'ite

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    JAG has excellant suggestions. The dinners and who is paying for what where is all very minor. Your DH will soon stop being agreeable to paying for hefty bills since it will add up eventually. Give it time. You don't want to be petty about it. Let them do the 'petty' party all by themselves. :))

    When they come home and overstay, you just go about your evening chores, like cleaning up, tell them you need your rest since you have a long day tomorrow, bid them good night and got to bed. Since they are your husband's friends, he can entertain them if he wants. Most probably they will leave. Do this consistently every night they come. They will get the message. You can also casually ask them if they don't need any sleep and whether staying up so late is really good for the baby inside. Lack of sleep is stressful for the baby actually. Any Obgyn will tell you that.

    If they come unannounced, you tell them you have to go out to do shopping and maybe you will meet them back in thier place. If you can drive, then you leave your DH to entertain them. He will soon start to realize what you need.

    About your trip, why do you go and tell them every single thing you do and when you do it? In any case tell the woman that you and DH need quality time with each other and sorry but maybe they can join next time.

    Ofcourse they are clueless about what to expect when the baby comes. First timers never do. You will see how it will get. In the mean time, you talk to the woman about what all she needs to do to prepare for baby's birth. Maybe she will start to get busy.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    old thread and poster is not active in forum anymore
     
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