Understanding the emotional needs - Part 1

Chitvish · Feb 18, 2008

Friends, this is based on one of the feedbacks that I gave VR many months back in this forum. I have developed on it.

Does marriage satisfy your emotional needs?
It is yes & no. This is strictly my point of view! You are welcome to disagree.

Yes, because it is deeply ingrained in our psychology that this relationship is for keeps. So we compromise, many times unknowingly, but more often unwillingly.
No, when disillusionment keeps on cropping up at every stage, with expectations being unfulfilled on every aspect of life.

Yes, because there is intimacy, responsibility is shared (to a certain extent); occasionally there is somebody to reassure you when there is a crisis.
No, when, intimacy switches over to autonomy suddenly, withdraws when domestic responsibility is overwhelming, needs reassurance that we can tide over the crisis, if any.

Yes, when we receive attention and praise, when they are accommodating.
No, when we are neglected, when they refuse to open up and talk.

Yes, when they give us space and we give them the freedom they want, on specific terms.
No, when they argue it is exclusively their right to be free but not reciprocally, resulting in conflict.

Yes, because we give and want love, compromise and support.
No, when it becomes one way traffic.

Yes, when we get understanding, caring and reassurance.
No, when appreciation, admiration and encouragement touch an all time low, over the years.

Yes, when he gives support at difficult times.
No, when he points fingers only at you during difficult times.

Yes, when they love us without our ever having to ask for it.
No, when they think they give us more than what we deserve.

There is no “yes” or “no” that can be a correct (true?) answer .Our emotionalneeds can never be satisfied fully even if he or she is the best person in the eyes of the world, but it is only acceptance of the spouse for whatever he or she is, that can give us emotional satisfaction. Over the years, unknowingly, a thread of mutual dependence starts growing between the spouses - this, I say, as a much married woman!

Besides acceptance of the spouse with all merits and drawbacks, unconditional love is the main foundation for a marriage to last. Neither should be a fair-weather spouse. This makes one feel wanted, whether the other expresses in words or actions or not.

To be continued next week.

Love,
Chithra.

Anandchitra · Feb 18, 2008

You manage to come up with UNIQUE topics..dearChithra ..do I envy you Yes or NO ?? No because its a treat to read what you write and how u write it.. I absolutely love the lines .." it is only acceptance of the spouse for whatever he /she is that can give us emotional S .." .. Its truly remarkable the way you write ..over the years how unknowingly the mutual dependence starts growing..so very true.. Hats off to you for summing up with the lines about unconditional love..I am truly relishing it more because I have it..Thanks for a GREAAAAAT one..

Chitvish · Feb 18, 2008

the same words - but just can't help ! With your prompt appreciative feedback, you make me feel, as if you are waiting to read my blogs on monday mornings.I think, even if the general reaction is not good, I will continue to blog for you ! Am I threatening you? - ha ha.
I don't plan unique topics, AC. I can write only on what I relate to, in my personal life. I have gone through every Yes & No, I have listed - but I just can't live without Him!
Love,
Chithra.

Shanvy · Feb 18, 2008

Chithmam,

A good topic. I agree that only unconditional love, acceptance as they are, not wanting to change them, and giving breathing space to each other, can help in a successful marriage. I can vouch the more you follow this , the more understanding your partner is.

Chitvish · Feb 18, 2008

To a very great extent, we have to work hard to make our marriage successfull.We cannot take any relationship for granted, all the more with our spouse.Ofcourse, I am not talking about exceptional cases, here.
Love,
Chithra.

Vysan · Feb 18, 2008

Dear Chitvish,

Nice topic.... great "Yes" & "No"s.... It is absolutely true... that both the partners has to work together for a successful marriage...

Hahahahahaha.... I enjoyed your reply to Shan..."not talking about exceptional cases".... I take it as a personal credit.... hahahahahaha.... Sorry I couldnt control my laugh.... Hope Shan also takes it sportively.....

But with the current fast moving materialistic world... I rarely find this unconditional love... especially if both of them are working... May be it could have been there at the initial stages, then it becomes more of a give/take or compromise... Some of the couples whom I have met... the love is lost... It is the culture or the way we have been brought up has made them to stick together... Otherwise... they are ready to part ways... May be I met the wrong couples....

Veda

vidhi · Feb 18, 2008

Dear Chith

Again a great write up. I have read this post of yours earlier. And I loved it very much. You have summed up it very nicely. Yes unconditional love is the only thing that can be successful.

Love
Vidhi

Jananikrithsan · Feb 18, 2008

Dear Chithu,
Emotional needs can be satisfied not necessarily always with words. When you know your spouse agrees to what you do that is support, understanding enough.Times are changing and so are we I guess. Working women are financially stable which tends to create problems, not always though. When that bruises the Dh's ego then trouble in paradise. That begins to widen the gap and emotional needs are left unfulfilled. As long as you do not step on each other's toes and there is respect and deep down trust then all is well. My two cents!!!!

Jananikrithsan · Feb 18, 2008

Dear Chithu,
Emotional needs can be satisfied not necessarily always with words. When you know your spouse agrees to what you do that is support, understanding enough.Times are changing and so are we I guess. Working women are financially stable which tends to create problems, not always though. When that bruises the Dh's ego then trouble in paradise. That begins to widen the gap and emotional needs are left unfulfilled. As long as you do not step on each other's toes and there is respect and deep down trust then all is well. My two cents!!!!

Chitvish · Feb 18, 2008

on reading my words
I am not talking about exceptional cases, here
Well, it does tickle me !! What I meant was, there are some cases where the equation does not work from day one ! It is better, they part ways, instead of each inflicting one on the other.
May be, over the years, mutual dependence, call it familiarity grows, giving love a new dimension ! We cannot say love is lost.
Love,
Chithra.