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unbiased views on this. and how to react in future

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priyanka12345, Jun 12, 2012.

  1. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    I would like to take unbiased views on this.

    My MIL wanted to prepare bhardi ( rice and moong dal- soak in water and then have it dried and grind it and then add it to boiling water and give to my 8 months old son.)
    Actually she decided herself and did not let me know abt it too. Luckily I came to know through a conversation and was disturbed a lot for this. Being a mother, I expected I know what is being planned to be given to my son. When I came to know this, I mentioned to my MIL, I would like to give freshly prepared rice and moong dal ( khicadi and grind in mixer. In this we can add carrots and tomato etc too). And I will discuss with doctor as well.ILs and DH have discussed abt giving soupd and bhardi and I was not even aware . MIL purposely is not mentioning to me anything. She will tell everything to DH and wants to take control on what to feed my DS.I am working mom and hence cant be 24 hr with DS 
    This created a huge issue with my DH. DH felt I am not letting ILs give anything to my son.I just informed him , I need to know abt this being my DS mother. Was I wrong in demanding that?
    Now DH has decided my inlaws will not give anything on their wish and I will tell them what needs to be given. He even brought my parents in between and called me basta*** and bit**.I was very upset with all this. He argued that my son got diarrhea bcos of my parents on 2nd month. I really was in tears hearing this. I have never ever questioned his parents abt taking care. I even do not inquire abt what he did entire day thinking they are responsible enough to take care. Still he accused me of treating them as maid servant.
    My mom had once mentioned of just giving him taste of ice-cream or cake when we were having. To this he kepot reacting how my mom can say this and she does not how to take care of kids . She has grown me and my brother and I could not hear abt this.
    More I am upset at he accusing my parents of not taking care of me and DS .And now for my DS he wants my MIL and FIL do not give something on their own.
    Now he is not talking anything and yesterday they did not give him any fruit. I went in evening and gave him fruit and then (thick water of rice and moong dal). I am really disturbed abt all this.
    What should I do in this case? Was I wrong in mentioning I need to know abt what we plan to give?
    Are my DH and ILs wrong ?
     
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  2. bmeerani

    bmeerani New IL'ite

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    Dear Priyanka
    What is wrong with the way ur MIL wanted to feed your son. It is quite healthy and also easy to digest.
    You cud have been more tactful in talking with her. You could have expressed your happiness over this and also mentioned that maybe we cud do it the otherway also some times so that vegetablkes are included in the diet.

    Since they are a part of your life try looking at the things with a positive perspective. This will only help you on the longer run as you will improve ur relationship with your Husband and eventually he will also start appreciting you and understanding you. Nagging about his parents will only make him more distant from you as all said and done they are his parents Period

    Sorry if i offended you
    Meera
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    There's no one completely right or wrong about this in my opinion. You are right in your place that you should be aware of your son's care and upbringing not only food but everything being a mother.
    Your in laws think as they are the ones taking care of him most of the time of the day, they can decide what they deem right with their experience and age old traditions.
    Your DH thinks his parents know better and as they are the ones taking care of the baby, he is comfortable letting them decide.
    Now the trouble is, everyone is stubborn "I'm right", no one is giving any thought to the fact that everyone is right at some point and its just matter of sitting together, putting your views and come up with best solution everyone agrees to without aqrguments.
    Your DH has to play major role in this being the link between you all. He can't bring your parents in middle of this whether they were right or wrong because its irrelevant in this matter. Supposedly your parents made a huge mistake and were responsible for your son being sick. So he will let his parents do their share of the same mistake? Thats abusing your poor baby.
    Talk to him and tell him you are grateful for his parents taking care of your baby. But you should be aware of whats happening with him and so should he. You can't be sidelined from your son's life. And finally it should be both your decision they can give their suggestions. They raised their children now let us raise ours.
    If the troubles continue, I suggest find a nice day care for your baby that would be much better for everyone.
    Be happy
    Vaidehi
     
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  4. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    Similarly your MIL has grown your DH. I am not supporting your MIL here. But yes they need to keep you informed but you cannot entirely condemn what they feed your LO. Yes you can feed him what you want. Even in the bhardi you could have added all the vegetables you wanted whats the big deal ?? Yeah let them not inform , you involve yourself, keep yourself updated on what she is feeding so that you also have an air of it. Cheer up lady !. Even thy have grown up your DH. I can understand your concern as mother but just think if your MIL had fed him cake and ice cream(made him taste it) how would you take it ??

    When you both are in lighter mood tell yor DH that....you just wanted to kept informed and you have nothing against in laws. Good that you beleive they are responsible enough. Convey him the same. Ask him not to bring past/parents into fights. they just add fuel to fire.
     
  5. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    yes I know my MIL has also grown up kids. I have never questioned or doubted her on taking care of my son. I never call home to check what he is doing as I have confidence they will care for him. However also I did not say no to giving it.I did mention you can give what you feel. However I mentioned DH that I would like to be informed abt what is planned to give my Son. I just dont want to be left alone in these things of my DS upbringing. Am I asking more?
    I would not mind if they made him taste things as a small portion is not going to affect him. My DH is not understanding all this and creating fuss out of everything and to this my ILs are commenting and adding oil to fire :(


     
  6. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    No. Definitely you are not asking for more. You are entitled to it. Try conveying in lighter mood sometime. May be he will get your point. Do mention him that you are thankful to your MIL for taking good care of son which you might be actually are !! This might make him feel better :)
     
  7. beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    I know you already have suggestions from others, but what I find truly unacceptable is your husband using cuss words towards you. If he cares about his child deeply, he would never disrespect his wife with such words. Shame on him..
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    looks like a major misunderstanding by all parties. Have you spoken directly to your mil and conveyed what you said here. Try to do that and include the suggestions given here about trying once your way and once her way etc. Kids are extremely picky eaters anyway. their appetite will change week to week. It will be beneficial to stat an ongoing dialogue with your mil about they had success with and what they didnt so you can incorporate.

    There are 2 issues here. One is with MIL and the food (bhardi). Other with your dh and what happened with your parents. Deal with them separately in separate places, always talk directly with the concerned party. Sit and talk nicely at leisure discuss and make sure they understand clearly and there is no room for misunderstanding.

     
  9. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    My opinion will be tainted by my bad experience --- when my MIL came to "help" I let her do whatever she wanted. Pretty soon she was raising my son anyway she liked and I was like a houseguest who had no say in what happened. Once, I had made dinner for my son and as I was feeding him, MIL brought over something else she had cooked (although I had told her I made xyz for my son), put the food I made away and started giving DS what she made. In some ways its probably good that you put your foot down this time because as a mother you need to know and manage what happens to your child. Its great that you MIL is watching him but she does not get to pretend to be his mother.
     
  10. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Next time be tactful with them and also think twice whether it is an issue worth making a fuss about. In my opinion, she is giving your son soup and dalrice both of which are good. Your MIL might have thought your DH would inform you of this. So ultimately your DH is the one who should tell you this and he did not. I dont see any major fault from your MIL side. And instead of discussing, just say I want to help mummyji and prepare whatever it is that you want to make and keep it in the house for your mil to give it later to your son. She is taking care of your son for 8-10 hours a day and if you have any issues, solve them in a peaceful way . Be respectful of the fact that she is trying to take good care of him. Ultimately you want what is best for your son.

    Your DH should also try to control his tongue, he cannot comment on your parents and praise his parents always. Same goes for you too.
     

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