1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Unappreciative Husband Or My Insecurity

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Dynamite, Mar 9, 2020.

  1. Dynamite

    Dynamite Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I am looking for other people’s perspective of this situation . A little bit background about my husband’s and my nature . My husband is a nice guy who helps me with the kid , a responsible man and a good partner but even after 9 yrs of marriage I don’t know his inner feelings .Even during a fight he keeps his calm and doesn’t say anything but one fine day like a volcano he says things which will hurt me . I do think his nature is a blessing in disguise because I am short tempered and lose my cool easily but I forget things easily and is back to normal but he keeps everything to himself . But at times I feel I don’t know anything about the person I married and I am still clueless of his feelings .Off late I feel he is unappreciative and he is taking me for granted . Here is something that happened today and I want to know what others think about this

    From the time we got married I took care of everything at home be it cooking , grocery shopping , laundry .He helps me with loading dishwasher and trash . Even when we go for vacation I take care of all his clothes , packing and laundry etc . Even during my pregnancy and after delivery though I was having some issues yet I did everything at home . My mom was there to help me with baby and cooking but after she left I took care of the baby in the night ,went to work in the morning and in the evening after work used to cook for everyday or every other day .Weekends are dedicated to laundry and other stuffs . In all this somewhere I got a bit lazy and had stopped folding clothes regularly but I did iron his shirts when ever I can . A few months back in a gathering he said infront of his cousin and his wife that I am not good at organizing clothes and he had put me down infront of his family before as well .Something pissed me off and I stopped doing his laundry .He does laundry now once a month and doesn’t fold his clothes either .If he runs out of washed clothes he uses unwashed clothes even his inner wears or keeps buying new ones .

    today he was doing laundry and some discussion led to another and he said doing laundry is no big deal but folding clothes is the difficult work .In a way he wanted me to know I should stop expecting any appreciation for doing His laundry for 9 yrs because I did bring this topic up couple of times in our conversation before on whether he knows my worth now . It hurt me and I lost my cool . Though I am not happy with the way I reacted somewhere I feel he doesn’t appreciate the little things I did for him .This reminded me of one and only fight with my MIL who called me lazy and a careless mother though I did all I could for my child .I lost respect for my MIL then and I am afraid I will lose for my husband too .

    We both are flawed but is too much to except that he doesn’t talk about these things in front of his relatives . I do agree I am not perfect and sometime the house is messy due to active toddler but I do my best to keep my home clean .i feel my biggest mistake is the way I react and for being sensitive.He asked me why I am so insecure and somewhere I feel he is right.After having a kid I do look for appreciation from others and is very conscious of what other think about me .Though I know I should stop giving importance to other opinions I am unable to do it completely. On other hand I feel he is very secure person( or I would like to believe so because I know nothing about his feelings ) and doesn’t get effected even if I am badmouth him infront of others .
     
    LonelyWoman likes this.
    Loading...

  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    927
    Likes Received:
    2,100
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Full time working, kid and housework , is tough. If you decided to not do less priority stuff that is OK. First stop blaming yourself for being a bit "lazy". Tell you what , get a bit lazier, pamper yourself with a foot scrub or whatever and dont iron his clothes regularly.

    Good girl! Sometimes what we do may not be/seem that important to others. and if you feel it is not worth your time , then dont do it.

    But if you stopped doing it so that your husband will realise his folly and come to see your real worth , then you are setting up for disappointment. The only person who really needs to know your worth is you. Be glad you have one less chore. Stop wanting him to suffer for having hurt you.

    And you are so sensitive because you have high expectations of yourself. And when we dont meet our expectations we seek validation from others, especially our loved ones.

    Putting down one's spouse is not healthy. The tone and context matter too, and I trust you would be the best judge. Sometimes men are in a contest - one says my wife is bad at this, then the other counters with his wife's flaws. I am not saying this happened , but just showing context matters.
    In your shoes, I would have been mad too

    Second, introspect what else hurt - was it also the fact that you feel guilty for not having the house perfect, not doing all the chores like you used to? And your loved one pointing that out hurts ?

    If you could do it completely you would be saint Dynamite.

    Instead of showing him your hurt/anger, show him your insecurities, your imperfections that makes you feel you are not enough.
    You could also start accepting yourself. Yes, you cant do everything or do all things perfectly and that is OK.
    Just remember to focus on your core priorities - your child, your DH, your aspirations and then last in the list is chores/daily stuff. You are not going to remember the unfolded clothes/ laundry or unwashed dishes. The happiness and nurturing in your home is what you all take away, the daily chores help in creating that , but if it is causing negative feelings then you should reconsider.


    And everyone has insecurities, levels vary, and some are good at masking them.
    The need to hurt some one who hurts us is natural, but an eye for an eye ...
     
    sbonigala, Rihana, Amica and 3 others like this.
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,147
    Likes Received:
    5,077
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    yes. Glad you pointed that out. It is never a good idea to want that sort of sharia punishment. Both sides would end up losing.
    The OP should fight select chosen battles that she can win.
     
    Rihana and SunPa like this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,411
    Likes Received:
    2,973
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    Its not good to insult anyone infront of others. Have you expressed your feeling to your dh later. Tell your dh very firmly that you dont like it. Give a response (for example -detach mode for a few days- talk minimum things but dont do any service) .
    "doesn’t get effected even if I am badmouth him infront of others"- if you do so you cannot complain. Its unacceptable behavior. If you have any complaint you need to tell him not to others , same way he has to express it to you, not to others.
    Both of you have different personalities-accept it.
    Let your dh do his stuff. Let him do his laundry. Dont take it back.
    You have lot of things in your hands. It wont be good if we over do anything beyond your capacity and comfort level.
    Have you ever appreciated him? Start with ' thank you'
    Just consider its as your duty and do whatever you can. We cannot expect others to appreciate what we do. If they do so, its just a bonus. Its not easy for others to understand the effort or pain you have been taking, unless they do the same job -example laundry.

    If some one complaints on what you have done - Say ' Thank you. This is what I can do. If you think you can do a better job, please do it yourself" ( I said this to my dh when he complains about dust in kitchen floor, when I was struggling with my kids, home and job, It worked for me). Another way is behaving deaf when they complain unnecessarily ( learned this is the best approach ).

    Most important, dont take these things to your heart and spoil your relation. People say lot of things during fights . You said - "but I forget things easily and is back to normal "- look like you are not able to forget. Give some time to yourself to calm down. You have a good marriage. Don't let these small events to build up negativity in your relation.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2020
    Angela123 and SCA like this.
  5. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    339
    Likes Received:
    666
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Expecting appreciation for chores is a long shot. You should let it go. But being insulted in front of friends/family is a big NO. You have to stand up and make sure he realizes that its a huge deal. If you dont let him know he is never going to learn and keep repeating it.

    Somehow I see this huge gap between Indian and Western culture where moms have to do chores and expect no appreciation and dads have to work hard and bring home the bacon and expect no appreciation. Its their "duty".

    In western cultures even for little things they Thank and Appreciate each other. Its ingrained in the upbringing. We have a long way to go.
     
    lavani likes this.
  6. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    927
    Likes Received:
    2,100
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    For a culture that is goes over board in treating guests as gods, I wonder how come we dont show appreciation for the people around us for their service?

    And we come up with stuff like "no thank you , no please " instead:(. Of course there are many ways we can show our appreciation , gratefulness without actually mouthing the words, but the spirit should be there , no?
    This was something I had to unlearn and practice consciously - a thank you, a hug , a smile, a pat to show what they do matters to me.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,864
    Likes Received:
    8,057
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    I've been around couples who fire rounds at each other in public. In every single instance, onlookers judge the person who criticizes, never the person criticized. Stand back and let him be judged. If you must say something, say, "I do my best" and say it with a smile.

    The only exception is when he's criticizing you to your ILs. He has the home team advantage here and they're on his side no matter what. All you can do is refuse to accompany him on visits to his family.
    .
     
  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    339
    Likes Received:
    666
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Probably guests are "outsiders" and family is "insider" lol.
     
  9. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    339
    Likes Received:
    666
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Thats true, when a spouse criticizes most of the people feel sorry for the one being criticized. Its but its humiliating and hurtful for the person getting the criticism. Anyone with even an ounce of self respect will cringe. I feel bad for the OP.
     

Share This Page