1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Unable To Release Guilt After 5 Years

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ChennaiExpress, Jun 24, 2017.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,183
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    5 years ago today my dad put ad in Indian newspaper matrimonials because we had hard time finding person in USA.

    Now when I look back there was absolutely no need for me to get married.
    1. I am in USA
    2. I got Masters
    3. And high-paying job

    My dad was so scared I would never get married. Once he blurted that he is scared that I will be 34 and still be in the house. And the Indian actresses on TV look better than me because they wear tons of makeup, but when people see me, they think I am a depressed person.

    My dad would lose sleep over me not being married at 30. He would wrack his breain on how to get OCI cards, how to get the proper documentations. He was stressed and angry and that caused me so much stress and anger. I figured let me be productive, eventually God will give me the right person.

    He pushed and pushed and pushed.

    Finally he told me to go with my heart. Just forget about everything else.

    Hence 5 years ago the ad went live in Indian newspapers.

    There were 1000s of responses (because people wanted to come to USA). And most people were well-mannered. I really wasn't used to being treated with respect, let alone nice manners.

    Many responses were from emails (which I saw biodata), and lot more where telephone messages in Punjabi. There were so many phone messages my dad had to delete.

    Except one.

    By chance, someone called and my dad picked up. He seemed genuine on the phone (like the Indian culture of my grandparents, not bolllywood garbage Indian culture of today)

    This older man had hard time sending email because he kept spelling email address wrong.

    But when I saw his son't biodata I did not like. And I absolutely HATED that my dad also wanted to pursue matrimonial with this person (in addition to the 10 other people were were pursuing with).

    Long story short, only my airplane journey to India was happy and comfortable (had upgraded seats so everyone was treating me with respect).

    When I landed, the person I picked just threw scraps of kindness that I have never seen and I assumed he love me. (As we all know he wanted Citizenship, was physically and emotionally abusive and caused me to have miscarriage)

    But this is the upsetting part. The older man who my dad sincerely enjoyed talking to tried reaching my dad on the phone I was holding in India. And because I knew who he was I would purposely cut off his phone.

    Even on my way to the wedding venue, he tried to call and I got angry.

    My anger kept building and building that this older man was trying to reach my dad.

    And finally after I got married (and my now ex just ignored me, didn't decorate the hotel room with flowers, was out of the room most of the time, invited his friend and brother into our room to review wedding videos), he poisoned my food, made me sick and taunted me by saying, "be strong, be a punjaban.


    I honestly thought this was normal behavior because this is how I get treated all the time. And I thought he must love me simply because of the scraps of kindness I received in India. Once he came to USA, all of the kindness was gone.

    But here is the part that makes me feel guilty. When I returned to US shortly after the marriage (because I had gotten sick since I was poisoned), the older man wrote a nice, heartfelt letter to my dad. Instead of showing my dad, gave nasty email reply saying, "my daughter" doesn't like your son, doesn't like your family, will not give you money, will not sponsor you, stop harassing us.

    This terrible action of mine makes me feel so guilty
    1. The monster I married should have received this type of email instead beause we gave money, sponsorship and in return, he sent me to hospital (because of miscarriage), he sent me to attorney and courts (because of domestic violence and finally divorce)
    2. My dad truly enjoyed the deep friendship of this older man. He had many college-friends (anyone who is smart and handsome has lot of friends, especially in college years), and they all turned out useless in middle age.
    3. Even though I may not have liked the older man's son, what is we would have had a genuine family friend? Or what if he could have married someone else in the family. Or what if after meeting him I would have liked him (again, we are giving financial support because they are from small village in Punjab, his father is doctor, he studied English).


    Forget about all the nasty things that happened to me, how to repair what I did?

    A year ago I wanted asked dad how to contact this older man for apology and he got so angry, saying we have so many things to do now. When we are retired then we can talk all these things.

    It is true, there are so many pieces we have to pick up 5 years later.

    Plus I fell down few stairs at work. Luckily it was few stairs, not a staircase otherwise who knows maybe I wouldn't be able to walk. My nasty supervisor taunted me asking where is my cane (luckily I dont need one, just some light physical therapy), no one asked if I was ok (ironically, only two Indian ladies briefly asked, "are you ok", and "feel better")

    I look back 5 years ago and think that was my window of opportunity to choose a better life. Instead I chose garbage and I possibly discarded someone who would have possibly enriched all our lives, make the environment nice.

    And it is during meditation and quiet times I get this tremendous guilt.

    The irony is, I remember my dad saying that marriage will create such a happy feeling you will think of it your whole life.

    This marriage, and all the interactions gave me such a horrible feeling, I don't know if I'll be able to forget the rest of my life.

    I tried joining Toastmasters like people suggested, and no one respected me.
    Psychologists are not well trained, do not understand the culture and many times they are more nasty than the people we come across

    Seems the only time anyone is nice to me is to cheat on their wife/fiance/etc

    And I never understood when dad said my life is ruiened after this bad marriage. Sure the virginity is gone, but now if given the opportunity, I don't want to put another ad again.

    If someone says lets go first class to India, stay in 5 star hotel, travel in nice car, meet nice people for matrimonial alliance I will say NO. If I was asked same thing a year or two ago I would have eagerly said yes. I honestly thought I was getting over this and things are getting better. And I am so scared to meet new people. Sure, the laws in USA favor women, but men are quite smart and know how to bend these laws.

    Even we were trying to close stupid CitiNRI account (the people in CitiNRI are real idiots) and my dad finally got hold of competant manager. Somehow the manager said to Dad nothing wrong in keeping account open.

    This bothered me whole day yesterday because I want nothing to do with India. I don't even want to do matrimonial alliance wiht H1-B visa who will have to leave USA (can't their USA girlfriend/one-night-stand sponsor them, why do they want proper wife who is an open money bank).

    Then my dad said he doens't have plan to go to India ever, but nothing wrong in keeping account open.




    I know this long post is mostly a vent.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2017
    Umanga likes this.
    Loading...

  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,642
    Likes Received:
    23,059
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op ,the grass is greener on the other side.
    Why do you think that nice old man and his son were as a missed opportunity?

    Everyone who wants something is nice till they get what they want.
    This old man could have been a monster fil and his son no better than your ex.You do know they wanted the match because they too wanted citizenship.

    Infact most decent people do not keep calling or writing regarding alliances repeatedly when there is no response. They seemed far too desperate.


    Op ,you seem to have low self esteem .Work on yourself .
    If you want love ,then look for a man around you,date and live the life that your country allows you to without the baggage .

    Putting an ad for marriage in India is going to have responses mostly fromm opportunists.
     
    SGBV, ChennaiExpress and NeetaR like this.
  3. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,109
    Likes Received:
    493
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    Marriage is a gambling game to be played safe!! :) cheers leave guilt, live free..life is short
     
    ChennaiExpress likes this.
  4. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,183
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, I guess this based on how my dad felt talking to the father. When he spoke with other people, it wasn't that same feeling. It was more like, "yeah, we are from same community, let's talk matrimonial alliance"

    And I saw how happy and peaceful my dad was after talking on the phone with this older man.

    But you are right, they could have also been monsters.

    I tell myself the same thing.

    But why do I feel guilty at my behavior? Once dad said the old man might be his grandfather from past life.

    Think about it. We never pick up phone at home, only let it go to machine. And this one tiny sliver of time dad happens to pick up the phone. Also dad says what are the chances of something like this happening. (of course, what are the chances that I was reading my now ex's email and my dad came in my room and commented, "oh he seems nice". If my dad didn't come into my room at that moment and comment, I would have discarded my now ex's email)

    At least my dad would have someone to talk to, he is so lonely and only has me, but I am his kid, not same peer-level.

    Later on my dad told me he instructed the older man to try to contact his at a number (which I ended holding in India). When I answered phone, he probably thought I was secretary because I didn't identify himself. Then when I saw his number appear on my India cell I purposely did not pick up the phone.

    He might have called 5 times in the span of 2 weeks.

    Only after 1 month later (perhaps longer) he sent email.

    So in this case it wasn't repeated contacts. At least it doesn't seem that way.

    Still working on that. At this point, I no longer talk to people unless they talk to me. And I have noticed lot of people have merely tolerated me. Only once in a while someone will talk to me because of timepass. And before I speak I measure my words carefully.

    At this point I am working on a book, a technical book. Hoping to make certain concepts easier for people, plus it helps in career, etc. That occupies me (I do miss the painting, I will certainly resume after completing first draft of book)

    You are right about that. I guess right now I've kind of withdrawn. Just reassessing myself. Wish to see which people come up to me, rather than me go to them. Especially in this crazy world!

    And that is really sad.

    When I landed in India and got few scrapes of kindness, I guess I got emotionally attached to India. Even lot of my paintings are about India. Whenever I see a particular scene in an Indian movie, I think that would be lovely to paint. Mostly rural, historic architectures, or village life with nature as backdrop.

    I'm just trying to stay productive and content. At this point I am a bit wary of men (deep down I do love them) in general, so I'm proceeding cautiously.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2017
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,183
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    You're a sweetheart :)
     
  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    1,107
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Most of the people around you including your family and especially your husband did not treat you well, now your mind thinks the world is full of such people and that love and kindness is absent . Beware of this line of thought , because you attract what you think. If you think the world is full of bad people, more often than not, you will come across such people. Firstly start meeting people and surround yourself with kind happy people. Find nice room mates, join groups/clubs where you might more likely find a higher concentration of kind people.. ( for e.g. spiritual groups like reiki and meditation groups). Cut drama from your life, accept that things had to happen a certain way and you had some lessons to learn.
     
    zeppelingirl, Jey, Sandycandy and 3 others like this.
  7. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,183
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    While you are correct, at one point I thought the world was full of nice people and that the shoddy behavior I received was normal.

    And because I thought everyone was nice, I also thought my now ex was nice.

    I agree with what you are saying, I'm just clarifying my thinking.

    At this point I am hunkering down, and really wish to find inner contentment and be productive. Hence I'm posting to this lovely community after a long time.

    And of course by keeping quiet unless spoken to I have cut drama to trace levels (and it has boosted my self-sufficiency)

    Of course amidst the silence came this sad thought that woke me up early on a weekend.

    I'm hoping to join another club soon. Reiki sounds awesome.
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  8. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,448
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    On an off, I have read many of your posts. One bad mishaps, doesn't mean the next will end the same way.

    If you are born and brought up in US, marrying someone from India is not a good match. The basic of upbringing is way different. If someone already studied/working here, "may work" since they are exposed to the culture/life style, here. But no guarantee, either. Who knows, what sort of baggage (problems) they have?

    Marriage/finding a suitable match is draw of the luck. Why it works for some, and why not for all, is the age old question. No one can predict that! Your dad did, what he can wholeheartedly, but it ended badly.

    It is good to find someone born/raised here, will be more suitable match for you. Meanwhile, work on your confidence level.
     
    momsky and ChennaiExpress like this.
  9. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,183
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    Every moment, especially when he wakes up first thing, this still haunts my dad. Now I keep trying to tell him it's not his fault. How much guilt can a person carry? And at his age?

    This seems to be a biggie. I guess one doesn't realize how low their confidence is. Must make conscious effort.
     
  10. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    339
    Likes Received:
    321
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Each time I see your posts, I feel sad. The whole incident happened in your life was very unfortunate.. You both were from two extremes ..Life is like River, you cant touch the same water twice..
    So dear, dont look back..You become a strong person after going through this trauma..Wipe out all thoughts that hurt you..
    Detach from the past..
    Dont plan anything for future..let it happen naturally.. there are many good things in this world..many good people too..
    Hope you reach your destiny soon
     
    ChennaiExpress likes this.

Share This Page