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Unable to pass my feelings...

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by shruti1487, Apr 6, 2015.

  1. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    I know you ladies have tried a lot to let me understand that it's not my fault when my parents left me, I still can't pass that feeling. Today is my parents flight back to India. I contacted my father through whatsapp asking me what time his flight is. My father always used to call me, reply me until the day he went to my sister's house. Anyways, I waited for good 4-5 hours but there comes no reply. I then send him text that "it's ok papa if you don't want to reply me" and then there comes the text from my sister blaming me for everything that I threw my parents out of my house which is wrong coz my mother started argument by asking my father to prepone the tickets, called my sister to book her flights and did all the drama at my house.

    My sister then said even my father doesn't want to keep any relationship with me. I was shocked coz he was the one who was always contacting me, asking about my son and now all of a sudden his attitude is changed towards me.

    She also said that I'm blind folded by my husband and that I'm scared of him and has no guts to stand against him when he insulted my parents. Truth is he didn't insult them, infact he was insulted. I know they won't trust me and are only listening to what my mother keeps on saying. She then says that my mom didn't tell her anything, then how the hell my sister knows stuff that I even don't know?!

    She said I was changed the day I went to hostel. It is right that my mentality changed when I went to hostel coz then I learnt the new things of life and realised what my moms thinking is isn't a right approach towards several things. I just don't know how to handle my feelings. Yeah I don't argue with my husband coz he is short tempered but when I have to say things to him, I convey him looking at the timin and mood. This doesn't mean I don't have guts...

    They think that coz I don't drive, I don't have confidence. I don't spend huge amounts of money on shopping and movies, I don't have confidence. My life is different than theirs, my priorities are different. I k ow I'm right, but why this feeling is killing me that I'm wrong? I feel that my brother and sister will never visit me, even if they will visit me, they won't like my husband. He will always be compared to my sisters husband. My husband did lots to help my sister settle in Canada and now all is forgotten coz of my moms tantrum. I dont understand how to forget all this stuff. My sister said I'm going to visit my grandma so that I can cover myself. My grandma knows nothing what my mother did. Do I have to break relationship with my grandma coz she is my mother's mother?
     
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  2. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    Wow so many views and not a single comment.
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP - I read your other thread as well. Stop whatsapp, calls, emails etc. take a mental break from the family. Rejection can be mentally draining. Un responded whatsapp messages and phone calls etc are also forms of creating more trauma in you. I would suggest you stop trying and focus on your husband and child. As a young mom, your first priority should be your mental well being. Only then you can take good care of the baby. These people are going to drive you into some sort of baby blues. Don't go there. They are withholding affection and hurting you. You should stop focusing on them and focus on yourself.
    Btw, if I were you I wouldn't be in a hurry to fly to see grandma right now. You aren't strong enough to face emotional trauma so don't go and face more issues. Go only when you think you can handle the rest of the family.
     
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  4. oohlala

    oohlala Senior IL'ite

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    Shruti, I went through what you are going through right now. I know that it hurts so much when your own family rejects you. But please do not run to them. Time will make things better.
    I kept running to my family and I was just hurt each time. And I spent the entire first year of my baby's life being very depressed. I felt I had no family and every time I reached out to them, I was hurt as they did not want to take blame for what happened.
    Please enjoy this time with your baby. You will not get these newborn days back.
     
  5. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    Take a break and concentrate on your life and baby. Your baby should be your first priority.

    Don't run behind them. Stop all contacts with them and enjoy this time with your husband and baby.

    Right now it is not advisable to visit your grandma if you are not ready to face more emotional drama.Become emotionally strong first.

    Take care.
     
  6. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm not visiting my grandma right now but in the end of July. I want to be emotionally strong, and I thought I was until today. I never thought it would be so difficult for me to ignore them. It's like they have succeeded in making me suffer. I'm focussing on my baby and he is my priority but when he cries and I tell him not to worry, his mom is right here...i get this feeling where I think of my parents. My parents are very egoistic and even if they will realize what they did was wrong, they will never admit it. They never admitted before. My mom broke her relations with her real brother. Didn't even send him Rakhi. I know about her changes behavior and that's why I'm being emotionally bullied. I know this the end of our relationship and she will never admit her mistake. She will never want to sort it out even if I got and try to mend the ways out. My husband would never want me to go and sort my issues with my mother coz he knows next time that will open more doors for I silt and harassment by my mother.
     
  7. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi @shruti1487,

    I fully understood your situation! If your parents wish to be with your sister, Just allow it. You live normal! Dont stress yourself more! Take care your Husband and Son. If your grandmother trust you, you visit her. You just tell her, what happened!
    If you think she will convey this to your mom, leave it!

    You live your Life completely! You have so many relatives and Friends in this world!
    You did much to them so not to worry, if your sister or your parents will hurt you in words and blame you always means, just omit that. You are not responsible for their rudeness.


    You reduce all things which you shown to your parents. You just show them that, they lost you! you have precious son and husband. why you expect these people who really don't like you!

    Definitely they will understand you one day! But it takes time and you need to adjust.

    First of all, stop your calls or Stop your messages or mails to them. If they ask why you don't call me, reply them, you have no time or no love on me to response. so only! If they hurt you just say, "So you decide your one of the daughter died! Ok through you i died! Don't call me further more or don't visit me, If you heard about my death don't come to see my face! Thanks for your all love you showed me in these years and grow up me! Bye"

    In case if you have any chance to relocate you go on the way! One day they will know they lost you and try to search you! That day they will come to you"

    you Forget these things and be happy with your family. If you think you need help to maintain home and kid, Plan every works and keep your child with yourself. If you ok with any maid to clean home, washing clothes, ironing cloths, cooking, etc etc you appoint one.

    If you meet any relatives, just shown them how your mom and sister hate you and fight with you! This is because in future you will get more supportive.

    If you are in between relatives, just tell them that they broke your relationship with them. Because i have a son not my sister! I have a better life not my Sister! I helped my sister to settle in her life! So they don't like me! etc etc!

    Each and every old people will be easily understand problems, when more people says the same thing as a advice to them.

    Be Happy! There your sister live her life with enjoy! You live you Life with enjoy!
     
  8. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Shivasaktigopi. You are right and this is what I will be doing now. Ignoring my family, but telling my relatives what my mother did..is it a good idea?! Coz my miyher and my sister said to me "if you care a little bit about our respect, please do not tell about this to anyone.." As I have told you for them their self respect is very important. If they will get to know somehow that I've told to my grandma what happened, they will kill me by sending messages and will bully me more. I'm so scared of them.

    Also, I'm living in Canada so I won't be able to get a maid or any professional help. My husband does a lot and even im also doing a lot instead of any rest as suggested by my doctor. But my husband has began to pick fights and looks like he is getting frustrated. I I tried speaking with him and he says he isn't frustrated but tired because of my low mood and confusion. He said he is trying his level best to keep everything in order and I'm not cooperating coz I'm always thinking about my family.

    He he would have taken parental leave to help me out if I has nown my parents would do this but he can't take it now because by law he needs to give 4 weeks notice and its too late for him to get a leave. I'm almost 6 weeks PP.

    My my mjnd is playing games with me and forcing me to accuse my husband that because of his cleanliness - my parents took things quite offensive and abandoned me. Although he never said a word to them about the clutter and mess they had created, but my mom said that she never liked my husband cleaning the floor while she was cooking or cleaning the washroom after my father used it...my husband cleaned the floor coz my mother would drop flour, spices etc on the floor and my husband was worried that those things would be brought to the carpet where we lay our son and he used to clean the washeoom coz my father would spread the drops of his urine everywhere and I'm prone to UTI and with a C-Section he didn't want me to get sick.
     
  9. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi!

    what your husband did is correct! He loves you and your child more. He also have many tensions in Work place.

    So be happy with him! Dont think about your parents and Spoil his mood!

    It is really tough time to you, but you need to overcome this!

    Just think, so many married against parents, and manage home and kid without parents!

    So many have no friends, relatives, even husbands help!

    But you have beautiful Life! Why you spoil by thinking others!

    You just forget everything! start a fresh life. If you have any doubts about your kids health, Just come here!

    If you have any Tamil families near, just talk with them. Keep a good relationship with them!

    Be Happy!
     
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  10. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    I would suggest to be easy on yourself - and your parents. They behaved stupidly (and are probably ashame of their behavior) but maybe it was a wrong idea to have them coming when you had your baby. The first months it is important to get to know the newcomer and spend time together as a family. The grandparents and other visitors can wait.

    As part of growing up is also to grow apart from your parents. Part of adulthood is also to see your parents in a realistic way. They have their faults, they do mistake, they are grumpy, old, clumsy or whatever. It must have been stressing for them to visit a foreign country, living in someone elses home. They should not have taken it out on you (or your husband) but it happened.

    Let the situation calm down, no need to gossip about what happened to other relatives. If someone ask you can tell a short version, maybe sprinkled with some humor that the newly become grandmother had some difficulties adjusting to her new role ;).

    Ensure that you both get enough of sleep. Relax with the household chores, let your husband clean (and support him in that), do easy cooking/get ready made food, take laundry to the cleaning and enjoy the life with your baby.
     

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