U Guys Were Right... He Loves Someone Else...ema

hi forlorn,

i really dont know what to say in your situation. i read all your posts and i will say one thing you are very brave to put up. right now im a emotional mess so in no way can i guide you or assist you but i will say one thing.

LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS

 

Dear Forlorn,

This is not the time to MOP around. This is the time to be strong. First of all , stop blaming yourself. You did not cause this and your husband doesnt deserve this kind of sincerity. As of now, your priority should be to save yourself and your kids. Whatever happens (ema or not), your husband has clearly shown you that you are not a priority of his. Trust once broken is irrecoverable.
First, assess your current financial situation. Do you have a job? Do you have enough savings to sustain you and kids independantly for atleast 6 months? How about your parents - will they support you?
If you dont have a job, start actively looking for one. If you already have one, start separating all your savings. No more joint accounts or no joint FDs. Start separating them. Make a list of all your assets and their worth. Document them.

Second, start the moving out process. Call up your parents (havent read your earlier threads, so not sure of your background). Tell them the honest truth. Tell that you are completely drained and that you are positive that you want to come out of this relationship. You already have been living separately. They may or may not agree. Tell them clearly what your thoughts are. Document all proofs of infidelity. If they dont agree, tell them that you want to move out . Start looking for small apartments in your area (based on your working status).

Third, Start getting your kids ready for it too. Tell them that there are some problems due to which you have to move out. Dont blame their father in front of them. Just be neutral.

And finally, start your healing process. Forgive yourself. Go meet a therapist if needed. Talk to friends and family and get some mental strength. This is the most difficult piece. But trust me , you will get over it.

Dont give up hope. We all are here for you . Lots of hugs.

 

Seeing this thread, I don't know what to say.. I read your previous threads too. After reading all the wonderful page long advices the posters had given you, you still feel like you should accept his behaviour as a punishment?? Oh dear, sorry to say this. You seriously need to work on yourself. I would suggest go to your parents home, look for a job, if possible. GET INDEPENDENT please. Pursue any studies. There are many vocational courses. And forget about your husband for a while. If he is really the one for you, he will be with you lifelong. Please please dont loose your self respect any more and don't be a victim and fool in front of him. Sorry if my words hurt you, but couldn't help. My prayers and wishes.

 

Dear Forlorn,
Don't be depressed. Don't initiate separation considering your situation. Since you are not having a job now, you keep quiet. Be strong and accept whatever the situation is and move on. It will take some more time to do that, but you have to do it some point of time. If your husband is unwilling to initiate separation, why should you? Take this time to heal yourself and then take a decision and move on. Sooner or later he will be forced to take a decision and then when you are in a situation to leave, you can decide from your end. Don't do anything in the separation direction currently, gear yourself up first and than call it quits when you are in a situation to handle this upheaval in your life. God and you yourself are the only entities who can help in this situation nobody else.

 

OP...you are his biggest accomplice in this affair.
You allow it to happen and you make it easier for him to go about it.

What have you done to stop this nonsense other than trying too better yourself?
Have you told both sides of the families?
Have you tried to make his life uncomfortable?
Let him talk to your and his parents why he is being a piece of *hit.
Have you asked him to explain his conduct to the children and prepare them for this?


All you do is feel guilty for him being a slut and begging him for love.
Why should he change anything?He has it all? A wife at home who will hide his affair and run around trying to find ways to please him while he warms some one else's bed.

If I were in your place I would have put the kids in his lap and go to parents house.Let the scumbag juggle the kids and a job and his girlfriend.Why do women act like the kids only belong to her and only her responsibility.Why do the kids only bind the woman ?

Try telling him if he is ready to take care of kids while you move out and try to build your life from start.Ask him if his girlfriend is ready to take care of the kids and his home while he goes out to earn his bread.
Tell him you are looking for lawyers .
But first ,make him talk to the family. Tell his parents,siblings, every one.

All these suggestions are only because you want to save the marriage.
Otherwise this scumbag neither deserves a wife,no kids.

 

Sorry about this OP... I feel so bad, although I knew this is what gonna happen somewhere down the line.

Please try to be realistic, rather than emotional.
Your husband is having an EMA. Period
You must now think whether to continue this life, or move on.
You may chose to silently leave him, apply divorce or get maintenance for both yourself and the kids.
May chose to withheld the kid's custody.
Or involve family members, so that he will be forced to decide whether he needs his family or that girl.
Either way, you must decide as it is your own private issue. Other's can't comment on here.

However, knowing the facts will really help you to understand the problem and face it.

A woman with serious odor problems can be very much suffocating for a man who is sexually active.
If the problem is not treated/responded within few months, it can seriously bring a gap between the spouses.
Sex may be just a part of life for many. But that's the main fundamental need for some.
Every person's sexual desire level is different. Some may have a high drive.
However, odor problems are a huge turn off - no matter what.
That coupled with your laziness (as you have described it before), with your kids and family responsibility might have distanced your H from you.
But that can never be an excuse to have an EMA.

However, I have advised many women here in this forum to separate and re-marry (if possible), given their marriage life is sexless (for whatever the reason). So, understanding your husband from that position isn't difficult for me.

He is, however travelling in two boats. He loves you, but that love has turned probably platonic since it lacks the sex part. He also loves the kids.
But he needs the other woman for sex. He desires a good sex life, which is lacking in his marriage.
In an Indian society, he can't get sex elsewhere.
His needs are valid.

He is forced either to keep this EMA or leave his beautiful family (a dedicated wife and kids) for sex.
Or leave his sexual desire to have this beautiful family.

Some women are completely careless after their delivery. They put on so much weight, wear those saggy nighties all the time, they sweat and smell like curry masala as they don't feel the need to take bath and groom themselves at home.
At the age of 30, they look as if they are grandmothers.
But their husbands remain handsome no matter what.
Women lose their sexual desire to some level after pregnancy. Specially if that is a c-sec.
With family politics, kid's work etc... all they need is a sound sleep at night.
Men can't go like this forever. They might seem cruel to expect their tired wife in a two piece dress at night after all.
But their urges for a good sex increases only after their 30s. That's where the gap exists.
EMA and other sort of problems chip in here. Because none of us are saints.

It is women's responsibility to stay fit and look good no matter how old you are.
You can't take your husband's sexual desire for granted. Same applies to men as well..
Those big belly guys who are glued to the idiot box, and then snoring right after the sleep at night are always a nightmare for their innocent wife's sexual desires.

Unless and until we grow out to be responsible for our spouses, we can't control our marriage!

Dear OP

Grow financially independent. Inform both families about this mess.
Let God make a good plan for you and your kids.

 

A very frank and fair post from SGBV.

 

OP, Stop blaming yourself for your husband. He went into an ex marital affair with both eyes open. It was in process for a long time.

And SGBV,A person looks for support be weight loss look good anything. OPs hubby shud have helped her with weight loss get a new wardrobe something. Show that he cares . Not everything is wife fault. Everybody can up and say oh she drove him to it. But the fact is he was looking at the same time.

Op, Your husband is merely preying on your low esteem. He has belittled you continuously to make yourself look like victim for anything he does. He was intimate with you in past. It was okay then and now suddenly you are not upto mark. Is he joking? What other excitement and newness other than with somebody else.He was looking for a way out and got it in other girl. What makes you think she approached him and not other way round.

Stop with you love him. He doesn't deserve it. He is sneaky and abusive with a dominant syndrome. He is not trying to make you a better person but making you a puppet in his hands.

As YM said tell your husband he has to take the kids otherwise you wont let him go. See how soon the so called girlfriend vanishes from the scene. If he was a sensible dad he wud have broken up with her when she told him he cant come with kids. Not to mention the affair was wrong in first place.He wanted to feel like a carefree bachelor and the girl friend gave him the opening. Although I have a feeling it was more your husbands idea becoz you mentioned he told you that you both had kids soon.

Have you seen the movie Biwi No 1. In that Karishma( Wife) tells Sushmita( girlfriend) that - Premika banna basut asaan hain lekin biwi banna bahut mushkil.( Its easy to be a lover not a wife).

Buckle up, let him go. He is not worth crying over. Change your mindset and start looking for jobs asap. Ask him to provide for kids and you until you are independent and even then based on your earnings.See how soon love vanishes from love. Good Luck.

 

OP,

Take a break and go to your parent's house for sometime-atleast a few months.Think on your life,on joining some course to get job,on doing some exercise to get fit.When there is someone else to take care of kids,then you will have time to take care of yourself.Then think what you need to do with your marriage.

It doesn't make sense to live in the same house with your husband and make things miserable for you and your kids.Your self respect is much more important than being in this marriage-think about it.

This is not a punishment for you.It is a punishment for your husband because he did not stand up and support his wife and has a loose moral character-the end result is he is going to loose his family and affection.