Two Topics - Help Me With Time Management So I Can Move Past My Sadness

Discussion in 'Education & Personal Growth' started by SuiDhaaga, Sep 26, 2022.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Now I realize it is best to meet people who are local, ie in school, work, from any outside activities, etc


    10 years ago I though my search was over and finally I was entering Heaven

    Instead I’ve been plunged into Hell.

    Most people get married in early 30s and have children shortly thereafter. I thought I would fit into that mold.

    Person married only for GC, was cheating and abusive. I was pressured to get pregnant so he can get green card. There was never love during physical moments, only insults like, “you have no power in your legs”.

    Later when I told my relatives they took his side and said I should do leg exercises.

    He never earned a penny for me, never lifters a finger around the gphours and spent whole day watching p0rn, talking to all people back in India, having affair with his married girlfriend, and going on zoosk dating website.

    Even though that evil loser is gone from my life (after 1 yr waiting to come to US plus 8 months leeching off of me) I still get triggered by the miscarriage I suffered. Baby would have turned 8 this Oct 8, 2922.

    Only now I see glimmers of hope, but they seem false.

    And now I am overwhelmed my job, home responsibilities. Due to poor time management skills I end up creating more work for myself and nothing gets done. I feel such sadness that sometime I think it will be a miracle if I see my 50th birthday.

    Hence I don’t have time to go back to school or get involved in some activities that would allow me to meet local men (to possibly fall in love and marry)

    It would be a dream to go for PhD in Computer Science. During my 10 years of sadness I got wiser and I think I would be a great candidate.

    Any ideas?



    How do I get better at time management to

    • I do things proactively
    • I avoid creating extra work for myself
    • When I am done with one task, I have time but I am exhausted. How do I get energy to do the next task?


    Therapist can never help. They don’t understand our culture and values for hard work and success.



    Look at all the Desis in Medicine and Engineering after coming to USA in such a short time, despite being insulted throughout childhood by their American classmates, etc!
     
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  2. swarnamary

    swarnamary Silver IL'ite

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    i personally know 2,3 ladies who are single in their almost 40's..
    yet one is unique because she didnt forget and move on.. she stayed in his thoughts thinking and looking about him in social media feeling bad about her even despite all the abuse she went thru with him, while he is happily married and had kids of his own and family..
    its so very easy to say to move on and find someone for you and live happily.. but its not easy to find that one person whom you can be happy with but it is not hard to forget and let it go... let it go...they are gone and things happen for a reason to make you strong, and to let you know that you are capable of doing things which you dont know you can do it.
    go to park,places.. and visit religious places to find you some peace and calmness in you.
    workout or just go for walk and talk.
    when i dont do any workout or just walk i feel lazy, and i am afraid to sit before tv because if i sit i dont get up and i am avoiding to watch any movie on any day because i cant finish it one time and wont even finding them any interest.
     
  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    See, a guy can be abusive to one woman, but prince charming to another

    This is what irks me

    I know it's called a "personality trait"

    Take for example a specialist we visited. He is Desi, roughly my age, and my family was even curious about him for my matrimonial (though they did not say it directly)


    Meanwhile he is super-nice to the hospital staff.

    He even called us personally before our appointment is plead for us to come early because he had "emergency surgery"

    But I notice at the tail end of the appointment he ignored the patient. He was looking in my direction. I am not sure if he was looking at me (I was looking at the patient), or he was zoned out.

    Later I kept checking and checking his FB profile. His Mother has impressive education and job (head of dept in a major US university), his sister is Specialist and her husband is also Specialist.

    Then I saw he is hiding the fact that
    1. he is married
    2. he has a small child

    He is married to a fellow Specialist, a lovely lady, yet he is hiding it from the world.

    I googled them and a resort website shows all the lovely pictures from their wedding. Yet not a single photo on his public-facing FB profile!

    However his sister's profile shows she is married. His sister's husband shows him in a picture with his wife on a boat. So this is normal to show significant other on FB, yet he is hiding it.

    And I bet he gaslighted his lovely wife to also hide her marital status on FB. She even uses her non-married name!

    Someone tagged him in a photo with him, his wife, his baby.

    And something else. His profile pic shows he is wearing sunglasses. That itself is a red flag. It usually mean a guy is hiding something

    This was my false glimmer of hope, but I'm glad I realized about this person sooner.


    About my ex, he is a loser who cannot get cashier job at a convenience store.

    I understand how to move on - get busy and be around new people

    The thorn on my side is time management. Between job, housework, caregiving, I need to find time to improve myself.

    Hence my request for Time Management tips.

    This will truly heal a broken heart!
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2022
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  4. swarnamary

    swarnamary Silver IL'ite

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    wow you truly studying guys from all sides....glad you found everything about this guy...

    lets see what other iltes have to say about time management...
     
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  5. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    I dont want to sound whiney and gloomy, but my story is mostly like yours.
    Bad marriage. single for a long long time. I have been in relationships (or so I thought they were).
    After the bad marriage, I fell for a few men in between. One was a colleague even before my first marriage. He somehow came back into picture. That attraction was there. He was intelligent. When we talked, hours flew by. But fizzled out
    Next a colleague , a team mate and I got really close and everyone thought we would get married. It was really really close. He kept dropping hints - how many children do you like to have. You make my life easier, I just love to come back to you. Where shall we go for honeymoon (not subtle i thought). And one day I asked point blank if there was a relationship brewing and etc etc.. and he ghosted me. (by that time we moved to different teams, so ghosting was easier ) I cried for a million days. But the good thing in all of this is, I used get really bad nightmares of my first marriage before meeting/getting close to this teammate. I used to walk 5-6 km every day and eat really really heavy dinner so I get super tired and fall asleep tight. Otherwise, I used to wake up all sweaty and a headache. Whatever this teammate did when we were together, those dreams went away automatically. After crying for a few days of getting ghosted, I registed on bharat matrimony.

    Then to now, I am married to this guy because I wanted to be married. We dont really have long never ending conversations, giggling for nothings, keep touching each other etc etc. It is arranged marriage. but marriage. Nothing fancy. Turns out he has ED. but well 40s are 40s. I still want to have a baby. Thats the driving force of this marriage. I think that little shift in my head came when I saw a fibroid first. It is harmless, simple but it did highlight gyneacology for me.
    What I am trying to say is - dont look for the spark. Relationships take time to build. For someone who has been thru the "fancy" guys phase, it doesnt always work. Maybe this guy is the fancy guy for someone else like you said. But I dont think you should look for that anymore. When you see the same face everyday, cook, clean , make it a habit, you do get a feeling of "settled" and we stop looking around for that "spark". Around means men around us. The fun guys we see at work are not really fun in totality.
    Once you make that peace, I think things will fall in place automatically in mind and surroundings. You will know about categorizing things and prioritizing things.
    As for PhD, it wont matter unless your mind is clear.
    Sorry, it is long, but I hope atleast a word or two made sense.
     
  6. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    We weren't officially seeing this guy for matrimony - it just so happens the Specialist is also similar age, similar background from India.

    Our interactions were Doctor - Patient only.

    But I was Curious George and kept checking his name on FB.

    That is when I connected the dots.

    The person knows how to talk really nice to get what he wants, i.e. Patient who is already frail and struggling must come in even earlier. Then he is asking how we will travel, whether I took off from work.

    At the end of the appointment he is ready to zoom out. Doesn't even shake the patient's hand.
     
  7. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Your story sounds worse than mine.

    It sounds like a nightmare.

    You meet local men and then they ghost you!!!!!!

    It's ironic, you found marriage on Bharat Matrimony. Perhaps your Husband likes you more than you like him.

    Lot of people say that marriages, relationships, etc are more likely to work if the Man likes the Woman more, not vice versa.

    You are right, the guys who seem fun are not really fun.

    I see lot of photos where guys are in restaurants with a group of "friends", where they are in bar with a group of "friends", where they are holding liquor bottle with a bunch of "friends"

    What impressed me about this Specialist is his accomplishments. And of course he is socialable because he knows how to talk to people to get what he wants. In looks he is actually 1 or 2 out of 10. But my respect for him gave me the attraction.

    First respect, then attraction.

    But now i lost respect for him because he is hiding the fact that he is married and has a baby. And he got married just before COVID.

    And when he wrote notes about the Dr's appointment, his notes aren't even accurate.

    This guy is a good talker, but not a very good listener (to his patients at least!). And he got medical license just before COVID.



    I pray you find the spark and happiness with your current marriage and somehow you get baby you've always dreamed of.
     
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  8. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you ! I hope you find some peace of mind soon too.
     
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