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TTC -What If "IF" plays an important role.

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by annavarapus, Mar 26, 2010.

  1. annavarapus

    annavarapus Senior IL'ite

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    IF-Infertility, I think this would be my first choice in the dictionary of words that's hated the most.If there is a magic wand in my hand ,I would first erase this word and make sure that no one else faces this anytime in their life.I am sure most of the girls going through a hard journey of TTC would agree with me.After going through many ups and downs, I don't want this "IF" to take charge of my life.When I looked at today's date my memories flashed back an year and I was surprised to see that these fertility treatments totally took "Incharge" of us for the past one year.I couldn't remember even a single cycle which went through peacefully.

    I've been trying to get pregnant since Jan 2009. Now I know many people have tried for so much longer, but this still sounds like a long time to me. I guess I ought to have an associate's degree in infertility. Imagine me, the overachiever not going for my bachelors or masters or even PhD.It feels like all of my life experiences since 2009 revolve around infertility. I have been so focused on treatments that I can barely remember anything else from these years. If I think about it so many other things have happened.
    I had 2 birthdays, 2 wedding anniversaries, and many "2" festivals. Notice I didn't say "celebrated". Because I didn't celebrate any of these.

    My best friend in this TTC journey is my laptop besides my DH.Always busy searching over the internet to find answers to my ever inquisitive mind.If my laptop had a mouth as we do,I am sure it would bounce back and say that it's tired with the repeated searches.I am sure that my "friend" can surely understand what I am going through.Even if it's something good or bad it's always my laptop with whom I shared all my happiness and sadness all through this year.I couldn't think of any friend who is so intimate than my laptop as this is also the means to connect with all my wonderful IL ladies.

    My friends,celebration of events,food habits everything changed.Mood swings which results in unnecessary fights with DH ,always the thought of "Baby making" revolving in my mind...These are a few to quote.So I didn't live my life the way I wanted at least for the last 1 year.Is it all worth?So the greatest accomplishments so far in my whole TTC journey which of course still continuing are:

    Never lose hope,Strong faith in god,became more matured to know the essence of life and marriage and I believe that there is more in our lives other than this baby making which should keep us all motivated regardless of however rough this path is.

    Things did not turn out the way I wanted, but there were a lot of changes. I didn't reach my goal, but I did have accomplishments.Infertility is so isolating and it continues to take and take and take.I don't like to think of my life as tragic, but I have had enough tragedy in my life to know that only time will make things better. I will never be OK about this, but in time I will be better.

    So friends,Infertility rocks and let's all take charge of it before it takes a toll on our lives.Live life to the fullest and leave the idea of TTC for a while.I know it's harder and it's easier said than done.Don't lose your hope and Faith in GOD.May Almighty blossom all our lives at the earliest.

    P.S. This post is just the thoughts which were flashing in my idle mind and thought that IL is a perfect place to share them ,sure not to offend anyone or any sentiments.
     
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  2. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    Absolutely correct Priyanka.

    In this TTC journey we forget to live and enjoy normal life. I am also TTC since last 2 yrs now and belive me even I did not celebrate anything in these 2 yrs. I even quit my high salary job for TTC. My all concentration was on TTC. After last failed IUI i started to realize this. Now i started concentrating with other things in life. I once again started searching for new jobs. Now I try to celebrate each event in life. With gods grace i am sure i will be sucessful one day but till that time i dont want to stop living my life.
     
  3. hemadurga

    hemadurga Bronze IL'ite

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    hi priyanka,
    i agree fully with u that fertility treatments overtake our thoughts and finally the full life....

    even i have lost interest in celebrating festivals, birthdays or even our wedding anniversary.. whereas the elders in the house - inlaws and sometimes even my father does not understand our pain and scold us for not celebrating festivals - means doing feast... we surely pray to God, but am against elaborate feast when my heart is aching..

    My dear mother understands my problem and she just brings payasam, sweets or whatever festival dishes she does and gives it me to just lighten my mood..

    Even i have been putting aside so many things saying I will do it after child is born and thus feel that I am not living my life to the fullest..
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2010
  4. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree what you are trying to say. I am TTC since Sep 2008 and still on this journey now preparing for the IVF battle from Aug 2010. I used to be worried about this always and first few months and made our life hell. Then I sat back one day and realised if I worry nothing is going to change, I have a life to lead and will enjoy my life to the fullest.

    I understand the family is complete when we have children they bring colours and add lot of value to life. I happened to attend a Women leadership forum in my office, the main discussion was how do we balance work and home. Many of them have kids and they felt bad when they had to leave the kid in daycare/maid and come to office. But when they went home they realised Kids worried about them only for sometime and started to play/concentrate on something else after some time. Few of the women who attended forum had big children, they were mentioning Children lead their own life as they are big. Children add value,colour to our life, but the real fact is they come and go in our life for few years. If we think our life, I feel its right. By the above statements I am not saying I don't want a kid, I want one, but I have a life to lead. I want to enjoy my life, keep my DH happy and excel in everything I do and I don't want these road blocks in TTC to interrupt all that!!

    God knows what we deserve and will definitely bless us. I believe whatever happens is for good. We have a life to lead and let us enjoy our life, believe me all these celebrations(Birthday, wedding anniversary) will keep us happy and divert our mind. If we miss these days we will not get these back. Lets take this time as positive as we spend maximum time with Dh and for ourselves. When we have kids this is not going to be possible at all.

    I keep praying to god that I succeed in TTC, but at the same time do not want this TTC ride to take off the other happiness I have in my life.

    I have tried my level best to convey what I want. This is just my opinion :)
     
  5. Vasumathy

    Vasumathy Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Relax Priyanka. As you said its matter of time. Though we stand still time will move on... We just need to realise the facts...

    I can't write anything more than Radha's statement. I am flattened in your post & the response from Radha.

    Hope we all do our duty to TTC, leave the rest to GOD, forget about TTC for the rest of the cycle & lead our life in a better way.

    Baby dust to all TTC ladies in this wonderful world!
     
  6. arshina

    arshina New IL'ite

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    Priyanka :iagreewith you.i have been ttc since 3 years,so many hopes so many dreams and so many plans every month arise and then shatter,life has been all about this ever since i married.We need to forget about ttc and concentrate on ourselves for a while before we start all over again.There is one fact that we all ttc ladies should understand,its all Gods wish,how much ever we try or spend money or do anything under the sun inorder to conceive if God is not willing we just cannot make it,and if God is willing then even if we dont do anything we will make it naturally.I dont mean that we should stop trying.its like our testing time.God wants to see what we do during this time,we should try our best and leave everything to God and thank God for whatever happens.That is the best thing we can do in this toughest journey of our life.

    Radha you are right kids give meaning to our lives but once they become independent its their life.Everything in this world comes as a package of good and bad things... we have to accept it.
     
  7. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    Priyanka

    Your post sounds like the voice in my mind..everything you have said is so true.

    We started our TTC journey 4 years back approximately. The first year was the most difficult because of the extreme stress and tension in each cycle. Each AF cycle was preceeded by hope and desparation but was accompanied with depression. I used to search my body for symptoms for pregnancy and assume I have all those. Once when my periods were delayed by a month, I so hoped I was pregnant but was scared to take a HPT because because I knew I was not. I used to build so many dreams of seeing my parents coming here for delivery, holding a baby , playing with that etc.
    Finally I thought I had to get out of that mirage and did a HPT and it just shattered my hopes. Even though it came back negative, I just could not believe. I kept taking the HPT for one week after that and evreyday it came back negative. it was like a jolt to reality.

    the second year was spent in total depression. Crying and depression were like everyday routines. And from third year started the treatments and it is till going on. But thanks to the IL, I have grown a little stronger mentally and I know I have friends who are with me in the same boat as me and some in much worse situation. Thankfully I had a supporting DH.
    When I look back at my married life I realized how much of a chunk this ttc has dominated.

    I have started realizing that I should take charge of this and push ttc to be just a part of my life and not my life.
    It is not proving ot be easy. Everytime I realize I am going good, something just pushes me to the original state. Like my in-laws asking about child, suddenly I see my cousins who are 4years younger to me have a one year old baby. During these times I can hardly bring myself up to talk to them normally..

    The only good things out this ttc - I realized what a gem I got in the form of my DH who stands by me in all my pain and never ever lets go of me. And I got all of you friends to whom I can open out my heart..

    Hope God can listen to our prayers and put an end ot this tedious journey.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2010
  8. kushi33

    kushi33 New IL'ite

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    Oh God..Priyanks...it's like u hv read my mind and put it into words....hv been on TTC since the last 4 years...all these years failed miserably in all the baby making .....till now nothing...and have no hope left now....

    Have actually been pondering today over what if----what will i do next....countless tears and weeping alone have happened all these years...try to put a strong front as if it doesnt matter infront of all...i am brave but wen alone this thot of not having children fills my eyes with tears....

    nothing feels gud...no celebrations , gifts....njoy nothing in life now....birthadys, anniversary, outings, guests...absoloutely nothing....hv prayed ....astrologers....doctors...exhausted now and have no belief in anything....

    sadness all around....hv left the courses tht i joined, left my Phd and cant concentrate in office...dont how for how long this would continue....how long will i take to settle dwn with this thot of not hvng children....

    it's very painful....may b time will heal us ...

    i really thank this website and forum for providing us with space to share out our pains, struggle and gv us so many frends...

    lots of baby dust to all...
     
  9. Shanmukhabhavan

    Shanmukhabhavan Silver IL'ite

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    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 10"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 10"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CIndu%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" name="country-region"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id=ieooui></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> Priyanka,

    <u1:p></u1:p>You’ve written cent percent without fail a single word that what each and every TTC lady has in her mind.

    <u1:p></u1:p>Me too have all these problems facing from 4 long years, still too, do not know when it’ll end. No parties, no get together, no weddings, no phones to relatives nothing, where ever I go, I sit alone and try to avoid people, am kind of following “touch (talk) me not” policy. First two years I used to go who ever calls me and used to engage them, but did not know that time that they’re calling me to enquire about my progress in getting pregnant. <st1:place><st1:place>Lot</st1:place></st1:place> of questions, suggestions, teasing, oh god fed up with everything. I used to give all explanations for all of their stupid questions. But now I am very intelligent, trying to avoid / escape from those kinds of people with giving smart answers. As mine was a love marriage, all my husband’s and my relatives are very curious about us, especially my inlaw’s side relatives. Always they criticize my Mil in telling oh you know what, recently that person’s DIL got delivered, and this person’s daughter got delivered and what about your DIL, when you & your dil will tell us good news like that kind of words. So whenever my Mil hears these words they (Mil & <st1:stockticker>SIL</st1:stockticker>) get upset. But by God’s grace my inlaws are very very nice persons, though they never hurt me or my parents, but no <st1:stockticker>MIL</st1:stockticker> would be a MOM. So some times they do ask me what is the problem why don’t we see a doctor, or will send some medicines from <st1:country-region><st1:place><st1:country-region><st1:place>India</st1:place></st1:country-region></st1:place></st1:country-region> kind of words. These ok now, but when the time I hear these words from them, it definitely hurts me. That’s why my husband told to them that he is having problem, where as no problem with me, though its vice versa in real, it’s bit a guilty feeling, So that’s the reason why I am avoiding calling them. Very very few times I talk to them these days, my husband manages it, as he is a wonderful husband. Really I’m very lucky to got him as my husband. Even I am postponing visit <st1:country-region><st1:place><st1:country-region><st1:place>India</st1:place></st1:country-region></st1:place></st1:country-region> because of this. Hope god will understand our problems and will bless us soon.

    <u1:p></u1:p>Well said Priyanka about laptop, it’s the our only true friend, its 100%sure. The most unforgettable thing was, one of our best friends moved to another place, and one day they wanted to attend some function where we live. But the wife (which is/was my best friend, who keeps asking me what is wrong with me?) refused to stay at our place, since she was 5months pregnant with 2<sup>nd</sup> baby. I think may be 2<sup>nd</sup> or 3<sup>rd</sup> day while they’re leaving to their place, they stopped by our place and spent 10min and asked all questions why I am not pregnant yet, blah blah--, but still I was very patience, so at the time of they’re leaving I offered her kumkum and a fruit, she refused immediately and she said NO, since you do not have kids, I should not take from your hand. That time I was so upset and cried a lot. I did not tell to anybody, even to my husband since her husband and my husband are very close friends from long time and did not want to spoil his mood too, so at last I typed everything what I wanted to say to god and then deleted. So after that I got so much relief and came back to normal.

    <u1:p></u1:p>Every month when 2ww starts I do not touch anything at home, absolutely nothing, even my husband too does not allow me to do anything. Even I do not lift pressure cooker , even do not run fast too. There it comes---what IF am pregnant? But last 4 years it never happened. Hopefully soon it happens so, before I lose my interest on my life. Let’s see, what god has written on my forehead. Sorry girls for too much write up. That’s why Priyanka said, laptop is our friend and the IL, where we can share all our emotions.

    Today i am kind of upset, do not know why, wanted to cry out loudly, even no mood to enjoy weekend with dh, feeling very low and alone without kids. dh too remained very quite due to me. Hopefully Sunday brings me some good mood. Let's see.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2010
  10. kushi33

    kushi33 New IL'ite

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    Bhavani, Priyanka and all who are going through this cruel decision of God, i wish we all could meet and just cry our misery out.....seriously no body undertsands...especially all who have kids feel tehy are over the top...they mock ,they ask silly question....life comes to a stand still....

    all DH support us through all this but somehow there is an intense guilt of haveing him suffer through all this....i keep asking god why me...despite of having a turbulant life...another such severe blow to me....why? but then there are no answers...not replies to the countless prayers, tears that have gone into this....

    We all are living on a hope....hoping each month....taking care each month and then comes the dissipointing day....depression....for the next one week...and then another hope may be this month and you try again....60 months of going through all this and all the temples etc. god is still not listening...not kind....i am disgusted and have stopped praying....cant god understand our pain.....we are in a way killing our selves each day going through all this....this is so sad...god never listens is what i have reached too...

    I have seriously started thinking about adoption...i cry , feel sad but then there is no other way out....dont think there would ever be a month where we feel happy....

    wat a situation...wat worry...and we so helpless....
     

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