Trying For Second Child, Not Successful And Halfheartedly

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by Jhilli, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. Jhilli

    Jhilli New IL'ite

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    Dear IL's,

    I really need some advice from you all which is why I have created an account in Indus Ladies after lurking here for some months.

    I am from a Bengali Hindu family, I live in Kolkata.

    I am in my early thirties and the mother of a 15 month old son.

    I have low AMH under 1.5 but never had any PCOS or thyroid issues.

    I am an only child and come from a pretty well to do family although my father, who had a vwry successful corporate career has now retired and due to his health issues, is not working anymore.

    I have an ordinary low paying job, husband too has an ordinary job, although he earns much more than I do. He has a sister, SIL has a son, an only child( they won't have anymore kids)

    Both of us have good inheritances in the form of multiple properties, stocks and shares etc and some sources of running income.

    I have always hoped to have at least two children and because of my age and AMH, started trying for the second as soon as my son turned one. Husband too likes the idea of a bigger family.

    While I haven't conceived yet( I took 14 months to conceive my son, and the last few months were super stressful, went through painful tests lile HSG etc) I am somehow now having second thoughts about having a second baby.

    These are my reasons:

    1) Very very few people I know have a second child, honestly I know more with no children than with two children, the prevailing trend in my community and city is definitely a single child. Kolkata has the lowest birthrate amongst Indian cities only 1.2 children per women, amongst Bengali Hindus who form 45% of the city's population it must be even much lower ( Ihave researched these stuff recently as I discussed a second child with people I know, who were vehemently opposed to the idea of two kids).

    None of my husband's or my friends want another child.

    Being in the education sector myself, I see some 90% of my students from my community having no siblings.

    Please note that I have no special affinity towards my community or antagonism towards other communities, but when one lives in a society its prudent to do as others do too.

    In fact, many people I know in my city from all religions and states have single children and no plans for a second.

    Many or at least half of my cousins who have grown up as only children have plans to stick to have just one themselves, they're very happy they got all their parents love and attention and feel they don't want to spend money and time on two or more.

    As I said we have adequate resources but aren't super wealthy or earning huge sums.

    In a society where only children are the overwhelming majority will I be depriving my son by having another one.

    The two classmates of mine who had two kids had twins, they said they'd probably have had just one given a choice but now of course they're super happy with two.

    This is my main reason for having doubts, I would have no doubts at all or very few second thoughts, if any, if I saw at least half or even a fourth or third of my acquaintances opting for two.

    One of my husband's first cousins had a son recently after fertility treatment for over a year, she was very sure she doesn't want too, at her baby shower when someone mentioned that her yearnings would be fulfilled if she had a son and daughter each, she firmly said she only yearns for one, not two at all.

    That is the prevailing idea in my city, a quality quantity trade off where most people believe raising one child well is better than spreading oneself thin amongst two or more.

    2) Two are uncommon and is not considered advantageous in any way. I've seen women who chose to be housewives\ weren't very academically or professionally accomplished and so ended up as housewives express sadness about not having careers, women unhappy about not being fair complexioned or beautiful, not earning tons of money etc etc, but few young women hope to have a second child, at least amongst my acquaintances.

    My reasons for wanting two:

    1) Companionship for one child: Two children have playmates in each other, recently my rakhi brother, who is my neighbour from Marwari family, was diagnosed with leukemia and needed a marrow transplant, his younger brother donated his marrow, he left his CA final exams incomplete to support his elder brother through the tough phase, his mother had wanted a second child a lot, especially a girl, his father didn't want anymore kids after my rakhi brother, his father felt kids were expensive and was visibly disappointed after the birth of the second, as it wasn't even a girl.
    Today they realise what a blessing their younger son was.

    While many siblings don't support each other, I've seen such cases in my own family, I feel a tiny family with descendants halving in each generation is sad, which is how many Bengali families are.

    2) Many people, at least amongst those I know, are unable or unwilling to marry or procreate nowadays and while I will love my son irrespective of his choices, I am selfish enough to want grandchildren and descendents.

    One of my close friends, an only child, told her mom she doesn't want to ever marry.

    One of my mom's first cousins, a couple of years older to me, is married to a man incapable of fatherhood, her husband doesn't want to consider sperm donation or even adoption.

    I know quite a few such families.

    In case one of my children choose to remain single or childfree, I feel nephews and nieces would be a blessing for them as well.

    I do know families where an only child has 2 or even 3 children and families where both children have chosen to remain childfree but I think two are good in these situations too.

    3) I hope no parent has to face this, let alone me,but what if something bad happens to an only child?
    I have seen a tragedy in my extended family, a lady with two sons lost her elder one in an accident. While she's heartbroken, another child gives her life meaning and purpose. Another neighbour I know sent her only child to Australia for higher education. The boy decided to "disappear" and he can't be traced. He's probably alive but has chosen to cut all contact and ties with her parents. His mother has become insane. :-(

    So what should I decide to do?
    Its really sad that people in my city and some other affluent people have decided to forego having kids or decided to stop at one, even if they can afford more.

    We want to maximize our material possessions want to give our child everything we can, but want to minimize our only lasting legacy our children, by having as few or none, even if its biologically and financially possible to have at least two to replace both of us in this world :-(

    Please note I have nothing against only children or their parents, am an only child myself and maybe won't have anymore, but this is just my feeling on this issue.

    Any only children here who had two or more?

    Anyone from Kolkata with more than one?

    Please everyone pour your thoughts.

  2. harithab

    harithab Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Jhilli,

    The decision to go for a second child is ultimately on you and your husband.

    Considering your age and health conditions, you may need to check with your Gyn doctor also for a better suggestion.

    Dont compare (the thought of having one or more kids) with other families or place or community.
    If God had decided a second child for you, its going to happen definitely.
    Dont overthink with too much thoughts on this. It will only help to lose your health and time.

    Stay positive and blessed.


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