Tricky Situation

Hi Ladies, I would need your expert opinions on my situation. I live in US with my DH and a toddler, we had an intercaste marriage, my ILs never totally accepted me, they just had hi/bye relation with me never involved me in home matters, major or minor. I had few differences with my SIL, that complicated the matters. She never let her kids talk to me ever in the 10 yrs of our association, at this stage the ids are now teenage and they hardly say me "hello" leave alone call me "MAMI". It was v v painful for me that there is no family after marriage for me, I had grown up in healthy joint family with lots of aunts and uncles, our parents taught us how to respect elder and basic manners of greeting elders....I had to listen a lot of things about "sanskars" from my FIL when on one occassion I did not eat as much as I was offered. whereas my SIL never taught her daughters to at learnt say "namaste" or cordial hello to me. She was in US for 4 years and I used to call her , talk to her and wanted to talk to kids, but she never let...this happened in front of my DH who knows she always had some excuse or other but never let them talk to me......As students , we used to be low on cash, but still used to go to SIL house spending 100s of dollars on credit card debt because our FIL used to tell us to go there....after marriage, we invited my SIL many times on our marital home, but she never came. Never she shared kids pictures or videos with us. As and when these situations came, we tried to talk it out, explaining it hurts us, both to SIL, and MIL AND FIL...my FIL just put all these complaints and huts under the carpet...he dotes on his daughter.....he always neglects his daughters side mistakes. my DH has to suffer all the time.. All the 10 years of my marriage, I tried very best to get involved and be a part of family, every time, I was shooed away and hurt so much that affected me a lot emotionally. Not that it matters, but as DIL I have never given a single saree or anything as a shagun in my marital life.

After 6 yrs of marriage (we were busy with studies, so delay in trying for baby), I conceived, they started getting talking more and more to DH and interfering in our matters..I let it happen as I wanted to give this relation another chance esp after they were now having a grandkid, I thought maybe they will be more accepting and talking to me.... To my shock, all they are interested is keeping in relation with my DH, and SIL wants to have my kid, she wants to own him, she wants lots of pictures, videos and talking and involvement with my kid. No one has any idea how much it hurts, as a mom, they are trying to mentally picture take my kid and have nothing to do with me. funny enough, my ILs do not have much affection to my kid but my SIL is crazy for him..

I have one drawback.., I believe in "nazar or drishti", even though I have studied a lot but many of my metaphysical professors, also studied this phenomena, and they say human desires are very powerful. so a buri nazar can harm you. I believe in it because I have suffered from it. I have observed my SIL to be jealous and insecure from me. I had a bit better free life from her as students she had seen my DH and me having nice courtship days in US, she has inferiority complex of looks, education etc....now coming down to my dilemna: I fear she will cast buri nazar on my kid...or her desire to get my kid is so strong that something will happen to me and she will have the kid.....i am getting obsessed with thought and restricting access to pics and videos.... why she never shared her kids life to me and why she is hell bent on my kid...she told on my face I dont have a "boy " child and I like your kid, I always wanted to have a boy..(yah in this age also she is boy crazy..), i want to take him with me..sometimes I wish why i didnt have girl baby at least she would spare me.....now my DH wants to skype our kid with my ILs every now and then (who I am sure record the chat and send it to SIL easily), my ILs are not attached to my kid, I know because they always favor giving gifts affection etc to my BIL kids, there is a whole lot of different issue of favoritism with my BIL going on that I can write a lot on...so they are not attached to my kid..but they want my kid pics to give to my SIL.....How can i overcome the fact that
1_) she never shared her kids with me so now when I have one why is she just pouring herself on us now..? till date, her kids dont call me "mami" or say hello...despite ours clearly talking it out to them or else...

2) How to overcome my obsession with "drishti" issue from my SIL? I have avoided her as much as I can but not sending pics of my kids very often to my ILs is looking awkward for my DH..and skype thing is killing me....

sorry I think this has gone a bit of long thread , but please help me out in this scenario

plz dont tell me that there is no such thing as "nazar" , i have time and tried and tested it in my life...

 

[QUOTE="sumalynux, post: 3922799, ..... other methods.[/QUOTE]

Hi there! wow it was nice to know I am not alone there, I was feeling depressed about it....when I think about these things they keep me awake, lots of times my DH and we have argues on it, and had our share of bitter moments, he understands me but also says that we are already away from them, so I am compromising on this situation not fully but being little restrictive...God knows how much I wanted to be a part of my in laws life...He knows and that keeps me going that I am doing nothing wrong...I am on the right path and I just am defending myself from further hurt, insult and emotional abuse. Thanks! hopefully you are not getting affected by this anymore..

 

[QUOTE="harinideep, post: 3922806, member: ...around his neck[/QUOTE]

Hi Harini, thanks for the post..we dont stay nearby to SIL now, she is in India and we are in US...this is lot better than things were earlier....however I just cannot stand injustice....but in this case to maintain my family harmony I need to compromise..

 

Thanks Jasmine, actually its not true that they want a healthy relation with my child, they want to get involved and take him away from me....thats what they did with my DH when we were in India for few months, they just hovered around my DH and our family plans like buying property etc were handled by them despite the fact DH and me already made decisions...no one ever consulted us when SIL and BIL kids for names...they just excluded us...no one asked suggestions like in family people ask give us suggestions for names etc.. but for my baby they wanted to name him....things like these make me so angry and that affects my health.....my SIL is so mean and selfish and she enjoys doing things that irk me so I stopped showing anything that hurt me, I thought being open will help us come closer, but by telling them what hurt me they keep on doing things to hurt me more....this is not healthy relation.....another issue is my ILs do have alienated the child.... they never give him any gifts or anything that they have given to other grandkids....this hurts me as well.... I know SIL and everyone else is after our property and other things..thats the reason they try to artifically show affection to my child...have they ever given anything from his pocket? no. my FIL has not given single thing from his pocket to my kid...its NOT about money..its the love and affection grandparents have for grandkids..when we used to visit our gransparents, just buying a small icecream would make us feel happy and close knit...by my FIL never shows any affection to my kid....neither does my MIL.....my DH has weak eyes, and he was bought by my ILs as someone who is handicapped,,,they have done so much damage to my DH self confidence that subconsiously he is trained mentally that unless he gives them money he wont get affection, unless he agrees to them he wont get love and belongingness...its a lifetime of irreparable damage they have done on him and they favor his brother who is healthier...he and his wife are so much mean that I cant tell you, My DH is so pure from heart, he is blind to all this **** and when i show him this, he gets hurt...he doesnt get angry.....I sometimes fear they will do something like this to my kid... sorry i think i am being carried away in negativity again....thanks again for the post...

 

[QUOTE="sumalynu... sweetheart..[/QUOTE]

same here for me as well, we both love each other but because of ILs differences we have had our huge share of fights...finally just like you, I have asked DH to keep me out of them..stay away and have peace of mind...before marriage they trained my DH so well to serve their means..my DH is nicer type of guy between his brother and himself..so he could brainwash him easily...and now after marriage they are not able to do it...but they are so stubborn they keep doing it..it just keep causing fights when they are present..and now my DH is saying they are getting old and they should stay with us etc..I flatly told him, if the stay is shared among other siblings and they dont interfere and cause between us then its fine but not too freqently...lets see how things go by...