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Tricky situation..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sweety127, Apr 6, 2015.

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  1. Apr 6, 2015 #1
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    My H never picks his plate after eating & his mom does it always. When we were together alone he picks mine & even washes it. But at my home or his mom’s presence he never picks up his plate. He just eats & goes away & whoever me or MIL finishes will pick it up..I had told him n no of times no to do so but he tells whats the big deal & later we came to common ground that he will pick it up when MIL is not around and his mom doesn’t like him doing so.

    Once I just left his plate in the presence of MIL & the next meal he handed over the plate to me & told me to put it in the wash area. I really got irritated and angry but did not want to create a scene in front of MIL so silently picked it up. He also knows ways of soothing me but this issue always troubles me. Inside our room or away from MIL he does all the work with full zest.

    Now the actual twist is MIL is picking my plate too! I had struggled hard to stop her but in vain & H tells just give it to her. I thought maybe this was a trap but even in H’s absence she does the same.
    Nowadays I hurriedly eat my food, put my plate in the sink in order to escape from both. But it’s really difficult

    What would you ppl do in this situation? How to make H do it or should I ignore him?
     
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
    #1
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  2. Apr 6, 2015 #2
    mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    I dont find a big issue in this... there could be n number of such scenarios happening at everyone's home...

    I think you should be fine if he is helping you in his mother's absence... in this way .. he is trying to keep both happy.. you and his mom... if his mother does not like this.. what a big deal if you or ur MIL keeps it...
     
    mcutiepie, Apr 6, 2015
    mcutiepie, Apr 6, 2015
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  3. Apr 6, 2015 #3
    Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    My DH had this attitude earlier in our marriage. My MIL will pick her other sons and my DH's plate after each meal and dump it in the sink. She will wash it later. That is how they were brought up. It was totally different with my upbringing. My mother trained us from as young as 8 to wash our own plate and wipe them clean before placing in the cabinet.

    It disgusted me to see plate with leftover like bones, onions, curry (sorry we are not vegetarians) being left to be cleaned by someone else. Imagine washing the leftovers. I never understood the practice. Shouldn't you clean your own plate?

    After my marriage my DH did the same thing. He left the plate for me to clean. I thought he was rushing for something so I washed them. The second time, he received a lecture from me about how unhygienic it is too leave his plate with leftover. I refused to clean the plate and he ended up cleaning it himself. I can never tolerate such attitude!

    Dear OP, in your case, your DH realises that he should clean his own plate but wouldn't do so in your MIL's presence. Is this some kind of women thing to do? He should wash his own plates even when his mother is around. He can explain to her that he is an adult and doesn't need anyone to clean after him. Besides what kind example will he show to his kids (or future kids). Its not a big issue and I am sure if the message is conveyed the proper way, your MIL would understand.
     
    Denni, Apr 6, 2015
    Denni, Apr 6, 2015
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  4. Apr 6, 2015 #4
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    When she asks to take your plate...just say...it's okay...everyone should should take their own ,with a smile.

    Men and their stupid false egos.
     
    yellowmango, Apr 6, 2015
    yellowmango, Apr 6, 2015
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  5. Apr 6, 2015 #5
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    @mcutiepie though i know its not a big deal I just cant stand this attitude of his may be because I was brought up that way. Each time I feel bad..donno why..Even my mom advices me the way you tell..thanks:)
     
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
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  6. Apr 6, 2015 #6
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly my thoughts denni..I could not stand MIL taking the plates & banana leaves each time..I had tried explaining him many times, even fought with him..He just says mom feels happy doing it for me. What more can I do?:(Coming to MIL, she is a typical indian woman. Neither does she trouble me for household works nor does she let her son do any..
     
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
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  7. Apr 6, 2015 #7
    sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    Told this ym but she is adamant and just snatches it from me saying its ok ok..You know what she has started feeding me medicines and food too sometimes if i dont eat properly..You v well know my past relationship with her. I dont want to create any unnecessary friction so try my best to divert unpleasant situations..H is also v particular about maintaining sanity at home.

    This H is the real culprit here..Really not knowing a way out for this pblm..
     
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
    sweety127, Apr 6, 2015
    #7
  8. Apr 6, 2015 #8
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The plates in front of mil is not the real problem...the bigger problem is that someday in the near future ,he will expect op to live amicably with mil in one house.Then, not just this...many other restrictions on son doing work may be seen.
     
    yellowmango, Apr 6, 2015
    yellowmango, Apr 6, 2015
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  9. Apr 6, 2015 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sweety, you are making a problem when there is none. When MIL is around, DH doesn't pick up his plate. Fine. Whoever is last to leave table will pick up plates. If you don't want to do it, don't. Don't try to change DH or MIL in this regard.

    Each person cleaning their person and putting it away means a crowd at the sink. It is indeed efficient if one person does it. Another can do it for another meal.

    Insisting that DH should also pick up plate when MIL is around is a pointless battle.

    BTW, if you have a car or other vehicle and no driver, who usually drives it when you both or the whole family goes out? In airport or railway station, who is in charge of carrying the heavy bags until a coolie shows up? Think hard, and you will remember tasks that are considered "his" and he does them by default.
     
    Rihana, Apr 6, 2015
    Rihana, Apr 6, 2015
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  10. Apr 6, 2015 #10
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Dude, I'd like to see more posts about the PhD plans.
    waitingsmiley
     
    sokanasanah, Apr 6, 2015
    sokanasanah, Apr 6, 2015
    #10
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