Tricky situation...how to handle diplomatically?

If all these things were in display during her marriage then she can say that people have already seen the stuff and it will be odd if relatives can recognize those as the same ones gifted to her.

 

I was about to write the same.

 

Ya exactly n dwse things shud be told to the sil n not the mil

 

Tell your cousin to tell her mil politely that she liked the gifts and also that giving back gifts is sign of badluck so she would not want that to happen.
Also tell her to offer to buy new onea for her sil.

 

I see many good suggestions and feedback from the ladies here. I must say, I find it extremely weird and distasteful to ask someone to return gifts that you have given them, that too, weddings gifts to your daughter-in-law. Can't believe that her sister-in-law conjointly insists on it too.

 

I don't really understand why these things happen. Why gift anyone anything and then ask for it back? Was it purchased on a loan? Was it a gift that was simply loaned? Whatever the case, it is very tricky because it's insulting that they would ask for it back, and almost seems petty to create a fuss over.

I think there's a lot of good suggestions here. In your place, I may have been tempted to ask your MIL whether it is normal in their family to give gifts only to ask for them back at a later date and whether she'd be willing to return any of the gifts you had given since you've noticed she herself doesn't utilize them. If this is the case, then politely refrain from accepting any gifts in the future.

Shortly after my wedding in my husband's hometown in India, my MIL kept all the jewelry in her locker so although there are photographs from the wedding of the gifts I'd supposedly received, I haven't seen the valuable ones up close since. My MIL went ahead and picked out the less expensive "fashion wear" gift items and told me to pick a few things out before I flew back. I refused to even look at them and told her to keep it all. She mentioned it a few more times, and each time, I said the same.

I am not in the habit of receiving gifts that are not mine to keep or that I am "loaned" to wear each time I visit. I am not in the habit of told which ones I can keep and which ones are simply put away without my consent. I chalked her actions up to trust issues because I had heard of a few stories in their region where the wife ran off with the family heirlooms or kept them even after divorce. I had one subsequent trip to India after the wedding, and she went to her locker to retrieve all the inexpensive jewelry and ask me to wear the ones I like along with one pair of gold bangles that were supposedly from her. I refused to look at them or keep them again. Both times, she even asked my husband why I won't even look or ask about the jewelry and I told him that I don't like being told what to do with things that are gifted to me. He was upset about what his mother, wanted to get all those gifts back for me, but I told him not to bother because it's not worth it and never raised it again as an issue.

I realized there were two ways I could deal with it: Raise a huge fuss about a few trinkets that don't mean much to me and force her to resentfully give those items back to me (my husband would have supported me in doing this) and potentially jeopardize our relationship based on this. Or just let her keep it, be patient and be indifferent. If she has trust issues or if those few pieces mean THAT much to her, then by all means... keep it. I am fortunately well off enough to not need those items so desperately and nor am I one to care so much about a few pieces of jewelry that don't match my tastes anyhow. I will simply buy something that will make me happier if I need it. In any case, even out here, my mom keeps my valuable jewelry in her own locker so I can always tell her that she being my mom, too, should safekeep my "wedding gifts."

But noticeably, I saw that my lack of interest towards the jewelry made my MIL go nuts which was not exactly intentional on my part, but admittedly a bit amusing to watch. I didn't acknowledge them as being very valuable so they failed to translate to any kind of power battle.

My older co-sis apparently forcibly re-acquired her jewelry and keeps it in her own locker in their hometown which is totally fine. I think you yourself have to decide what it means to you and if it's that important, then refuse to give it back and volunteer to help select ones that are similar for your sister in law. Worst case scenario is what? Giving it back to your MIL and having them be recognized by the relatives who had gifted them to you? That seems like it would backfire on your MIL and SIL. Or if you have a relative inquire why you don't wear those gifts, then you can let them know "My MIL and SIL insisted on wearing it so there you go." Again, backfire on MIL and SIL. Either way, it'll bite them if they do decide to take it from you and make the mistake of wearing it in front of those who'd gifted it.

Anyway, the relationship between my MIL and I has improved significantly despite the turbulent beginning. My MIL has become increasingly warm and affectionate towards me but despite this, I will never accept a gift if it is not given with a genuine heart. Anything she gifts me, other than clothes she's purchased for me of my taste if we go shopping together, I will usually give back to her and not wear it.

If anyone asks for anything back, I'd give it back to them in a heartbeat with the condition of never accepting a gift from them again. If my MIL raises why I don't wear or select anything out of her own "short list of jewelry gifts she deems I can have/not have" again with me, I will tell her exactly why I did what I did very honestly now that she has had time to know me a bit better. But I still won't take them because in my mind, I will never truly feel as if those gifts are really mine to cherish.

 

Yeah. If I were you, I'd opt to return it and not accept anything in the future. It is distasteful but if they're so insistent and shameless then let them have it. Get newer, trendier and better things for yourself in the future The less you care or let it upset you, they more it may bother them (if they're doing it for weird territorial reasons).

As for the sets I was given, I'm sure they're probably worth something but I don't know why, I don't feel any sense of attachment towards it and it's nothing that I can't purchase on my own one day. These sets, no matter what the financial value, are definitely not worth my peace of mind or jeopardizing a relationship over. If my MIL chose to keep them, then maybe she needs it more than I do whether it's financial, trust issues or peace of mind.

The sets I kept with me and made sure my parents kept post wedding ceremony were the heavy gold sets my father purchased for me. Those I have placed in my parents' possession.

 

Cousin sis feels that if she compromises and give the stuff to them then they may continue dominating her thru out life...She wants to be a firm & no-nonsense type of girl and respectful to elders at the same time.

Your cousin sister is right. I would do the same to set a standard and some ground rules regarding how to respect one another and their sentiments too. This is not about the cost or utility value of gifts given, it can be a sentimental attachment to her as they were given to her on her wedding day. In fact, she can say which is why I don't use them that much. I want to preserve them.

How we conduct ourselves right in the very beginning will define much of what will come later so things don't go down a slipperly slope. Very hard to correct later in life if once we start unreasonably yielding or compromising.