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Tricky situation...how to handle diplomatically?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by generic, May 2, 2014.

  1. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    My cousin sister got married very recently...couple of months back.....Her in-laws are well-settled people and she has an SIL also who's very successful ...She's south Indian and according to their custom, In-laws side and in-laws relatives keep salwar suits, dress materials, bangles, varieties of saris, dresses, costume jewellery, accessories, cosmetics, household items, etc for the bride...All are kept in display at marriage choultry and then given to the bride after marriage ceremony so she can use...They seemed to be generous ppl and kept lot of stuff for her..

    But around 1 month after marriage, her MIL started subtly asking my cousin sis to return most of those jewellery(artificial) , silver items & saris etc. to her...She gave some justification - that anyway cousin sis wears western and ethnic wears for daily use, so this artificial jeweleries and saris are not being used hence she can return those to her(????)..(Actually my cousin can use them for festivals and functions, she's not that modern also) ..Hidden agenda is that her MIL will take some of the stuff and present remaining to SIL...All are well off people who can easily afford to buy good branded stuff on their own, then why are they asking back the items? Cousin sis finds it a little odd and is irritated, and for time being made some excuse that she has kept everything in some suitcase and has to search etc...MIL also got irritated after hearing this...Now cousin's SIL will be visiting them shortly and cousin's MIL again subtly reminded her to give some set which is favourite pattern of SIL...Please tell how she can handle this and how she can reply to her MIL diplomatically so that she can avoid giving the stuff to them, and at the same time not be rude to them as they are fairly good people...Ladies are a little dominating in their family circle..Her SIL is basically nice but she's also very clever and believes in getting whatever she wants. Cousin sis feels that if she compromises and give the stuff to them then they may continue dominating her thru out life...She wants to be a firm & no-nonsense type of girl and respectful to elders at the same time..This is little tricky and I do not want her to spoil relations with her DH family due to any wrong moves made by her....Has this happened with any of you??I do not know what to advice her in this situation and want suggestions...
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2014
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tell her to make it like a give-and-take relation.
    If SIL likes something give it to her only when SIL is ready to give some items what your cousin likes(at a later point of time). Its tough to say 'no' when MIL\SIL wants something. She can escape now, but she can't run away for long.
     
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  3. bhucat

    bhucat Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi generic,

    This is not happened to me or to my any close circles, but this hears to be little odd of asking the gifted items back...

    My two cents are :

    Why should your cousin purchase the similar sets and gift them to her SIL?

    She can even tell diplomatically that she has worn those stuffs so it is not good to give the stuffs which are used by her, so planning to gift her some nice and elegant new sets to her SIL. Hope her MIL would understands and never ask for the same stuffs thereafter.
     
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  4. chillbreeze

    chillbreeze Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If possible, ask your cousin to wear a particular saree and piece of jewllery from mil's wanted list to office saying its traditional wear or ethnic wear day. She can say everybody in office said it suits her so well and she is planning to wear the things gifted by pils once in a while to office.

    She can also jokingly say, "Ma, i thought they are supposed to be gifts to the bride. I didn't know they have to given back to pils."
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    she can say politely and earnestly, with eye contact, "oh mum! I want to be frank with you. I love those sets and I'm sentimental about them too. Let's go and buy SIL the same one." Or "mum, I'd find it a bit insulting if someone gave me something which wasn't bought specifically for me. I'm reluctant to fob mine off on her. Let's buy her a new one."

    once a a gift is given, it is not correct to ask it back. She must earnestly maintain that she is sincere and generous but unwilling to part with thing which were given to her.
     
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  6. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    She wasnt asking to purchase...she was asking cousin to give some of the sets gifted to her...Nice idea, but it'll work only for the used stuff, maybe a different strategy for unused stuff...:)
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2014
  7. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    @ chilbreeze & guesshoo...good suggestions:)
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I find all these gift giving and gift asking really tiring. If I were in her place....I would just hand over all the sarees and the (artificial) jewelery to mil and then tell husband...I gave all to mil as she wanted...now buy me stuff that I want. Most of the sarees I got for marriage were not to my liking or sarees that I could not wear often.. Since I had them...I couldn't buy new ones of my choice. I would see this as a great opportunity to get some brownie points with hubby and get him to buy me some stuff of my choice that I could wear more often. Plus get hubby to buy some small piece of jewelery in place of the artificial junk.

    Tell her to keep a few sarees that she really likes and give away the ones she is not too fond of.good time to get rid of unwanted stuff and get some of the choice.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2014
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  9. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    That's easier said than done as very few ladies r ready to part with gifts that they hav recieved (that too wedding gifts) , and fewer husbands are ready to sponsor so much of shopping!!!. [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2014
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    True....but in my case...I really hated having sarees that were not my choice and my hubby would tell me either give them away or wear them out...we don't have place for more.The sarees were expensive besides I was scared of giving them away because of my mil.Couldn't give them to mom or sis...as they wouldn't want to offend mil.I wish mine had asked for my sarees.:(
     
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