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Traumatic experience leads to dramatic insight

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by SatiBalachander, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. SatiBalachander

    SatiBalachander New IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY] The trauma of having a miscarriage and actually seen the fetus, was reason enough to die. For months I have sat with my baby's ultrasound replaying and mutilating every little detail, try to come up with things/excuses that I could have done to stop it. Every Woman who loses a child, feels my pain. You never ever get over it. When people tell you "Oh you will forget as soon as you have other children". I keep thinking "Really! You can forget something like that as soon as you have the another child. But isn't every child special to mother does it matter if it is an embryo or a fully grown adult?:idontgetit:" It is hard for people to understand the condition unless you have gone through with it. "Why me god!", I have asked this a million times. Not to mention that I used some really rosey words :hide: towards the bhaggu and was super mad at him and boycotted anything to do with him. Its not fair, people have to just look at each other to get pregnant and for me i have to try try and try and still not succeed. It was as if bhaggu was trying this experiment on cruelty and I have been this subject. [/JUSTIFY][JUSTIFY]


    I busied myself with work most of the time. Then one day I was getting back from work with DH and listening to the radio. I was not even paying attention to what was playing on there suddenly I heard this voice of a woman with pain, it was as if she was pleading . It was some sort of interview, the interviewer was mentioning that the lady was pleading her to take her child away. It was from Haiti. The one thing that was common between us was the pain, mine having lost the baby and hers pain in her helplessness to take care of her little ones. That incident moved me and almost had tears in my eyes. It made me realize how unfair life was.

    Last year before my loss I had mentioned to one of my friends that I would like to do some volunteering at the Food bank. So she called for help, I could not say no as I had made a commitment. It was one of Bhaggu's center for food distribution. I live in the North American Continent, where there are suppose to be fewer people looking for food or shelter. I was surprised with the amount of people who showed up for the food. So many older people, with younger children and homeless. Yes yes I am getting to the point, No no its not about adoption.


    As I was distributing food at the center, it dawned upon me that we are all the same, we long for something we do not have, let it be children, money, food etc etc., In this process we totally ignore what we have, and how fortunate we are to have what we have. As perverse as it might sound, sh*t happens with everybody. Life is not about having a bed of roses but it is about dealing with the thorns. We get pierced sometimes but we rant, whine and cry our pain out but at the end learn to live with it. Its not that I did not know any of it, of course we all know what is right and what is wrong. Its the process of realization that takes a while. I am not telling you that the pain or grief goes away but just that eventually you learn to live with it. Moving on does not really mean that you forget your experience and go on with life, but it is all about accepting the truth of life. Once you accept it there is no struggle there is nothing further to analyze, you would want to look for something new. It is like ending a page of book and turning to a new page to continue. Like I said earlier, its hard to understand, each one of us will reach this point in our own time and space.


    Your comments are welcome.


    Regards
    Sati ( Yes you can burn me alive :bonk)






    [/JUSTIFY]
     
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  2. anukarsha

    anukarsha Gold IL'ite

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    Hi sati! a very touchy exp.I have had three miscarriages and till today(now i have two beautiful daughters) i have not come out of that trauma.But life teaches you to move forward and the more pain you feel the tougher you become.our life is the best teacher anybody can have.Anyway.regs-anu:)
     
  3. Raindrop

    Raindrop Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Sati!

    Can understand the pain you had to undergo. A loss is a loss no matter how big or small it is. A person who has to bear the pain and loss is the one who realises the real happiness and joy when he/she is blessed with it by the grace of God later. We need to face the facts of life and accept it as they are - that's nature! As you said everybody wuld definitely have to face some shortcomings in life. Nobobody is blessed with the entire goodness of life only then do we realise what we have and dont.

    Hope you recover from it and be blessed again!
     
  4. Deepali_deepali

    Deepali_deepali Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Sati,

    You have gone through a very sad experience but the outlook you developed in the course of time is encouraging for all of us TTC. My DH always says that is ok if God is taking time to bless us with a child but whenever it happens , it should be healthy and not with problems.

    It sgood that you are trying to cope up. My prayers wit you dear..God will bless all of us with a healthy baby someday..

    Have faith and be strong..
     
  5. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Sati,

    You have developed an excellent positive outlook. Really very +ve.
    You will make it soon.:thumbsup
     
  6. VLR

    VLR Silver IL'ite

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    Sati

    An excellent post.

    Moving on does not really mean that you forget your experience and go on with life, but it is all about accepting the truth of life. Once you accept it there is no struggle there is nothing further to analyze, you would want to look for something new. It is like ending a page of book and turning to a new page to continue.

    This is very true. We have been struggling with ttc for close to 4.5 years. I at least get to vent out my feelings and emotions in IL. But my DH is not very comfortable in talking about it to others. Sometimes he feels very down. Thats is when I always tell him, we can only do what is within our capacity. The results are not in our hands. So we should just accept this and move on. Not try to fight with fate looking for answers. That way we can be at peace with ourselves and our lives.

    I guess the only option for all of us is to wait and hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel..Patience and faith are the keys..

    baby dust to you dear..
     
  7. SatiBalachander

    SatiBalachander New IL'ite

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    Thank you for your kind comments. People have different ways of expressing Grief. While your DH does not want to talk about it, my DH cannot stop talking about it. Its problem in both cases to each their own. Patience is what i need and is one of the many virtues i lack :spin
     
  8. SatiBalachander

    SatiBalachander New IL'ite

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    radhaparth2000
    Thank you for your kind words. Like Sidney Madwed said, "If constructive thoughts are planted positive outcomes will be the result. Plant the seeds of failure and failure will follow." If we are not positive there is nothing to look forward.

    Deepali_deepali

    What your DH says is true as mean as it might sound, in this world when healthy ppl are not respected what will happen to a LO who is not healthy.

    Raindrop
    Thanks for your comments

    anukarsha
    I feel hopeful now that i see somebody who had kids after the m/cs. Thank you for the encouragement.
     
  9. cutekid

    cutekid Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sati,

    i have gone through the same phase.Belive me you can never forget about the loss.But definetly we are blessed & so many other things to thank god for.Keep faith & like me, u too will be blessed with the motherhood soon.
    Finally HOPE is what keeps us going.
     

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