Trasperancy in Salary details with DH??

This is the true picture of most indian working women. Wish things improve. And wish you achieve that stage of relationship soon.

love

 

Dear Priya

I can completely understand your point of view, since I have been sailing in the same boat for a couple of years.

My salary is much bigger than my DH's salary, as I work in abroad with UN. But due to accesibility issue and some other personal/practical issues, I was compelled to save everything in his personal account.

My Dh has never put any restriction on my spending, he says it is my salary and i can spend it on whatever the ways i want (he used to give his ATM card to me, and he never hesitate to pay off my credit card bills). But something stops me when I really want to give something to my FOO.

By God's grace, my parents and siblings are financially well settled, and do not expect anything from me. But like your case, they do care for me all the time during my vacations. I eat there, shop with them, and they give me valuable presents regularly, so I too feel like everything has to be mutual.

I can not buy a saree to my mom without giving the same to my MIL, as I have to use my DH's ATM card for widhrawal, and can't keep silence about the expenses, though he doesn't question anything. At the same time, giving regular gifts is not a practice at my ILs place, and they think I am spending too much unnecessasarily. I too feel something odd to present gifts to my ILs all the time while I receive nothing from them.

Meanwhile, my DH never hesitates to spend on his brothers, or friends by taking our money and later tells this to me as a matter of information.

I really don't know, is it my innability to handle things, or ego, or fear or whatever... Something always stops me from spending for my FOO with the knowledge of my DH.

 

My DH shares the smallest event of day with his mom on the daily basis calls... hence anything I tell him he tells his mom which is blown out of proportion by my MIL who has 16th century views.

My salary/ increments/ pwd/ ATM Pin remain with me & DH has no objection to anything.. problems arise only when he knows & he transfers that information to his mom. If i buy something for my parents my MIL says she's making my son & grand children suffer cos she's sending a part of salary to her parents & she needs to earn only for her parents. Also that I got married arnd 2 yrs after working her opinion is that my parents din get me married any earlier cos they wanted my salary.
According to MIL, If my parents visit me.. its for my money & any marriage or function financing that needs to be done.. if they dont visit me then they dont have any money & becos its an expensive option for them.. not becos my dad is working or my grandma is v old.

When my bro was getting married my Mother wanted to x-change an antique gold jadaoo bracelet for a set for my SIL.. I really loved that bracelet & never wanted it to go out of our house so I offered to buy the set for her in x-change of that bracelet.. and all dealings I made transparent to my DH & the total gms of tht bracelet was 100gms and my total purchase some 60 gms.
End result - pathetic comments from my MIL & worst coming via my DH's mouth that I know why ur mom comes here in name of taking care of children. He also kept the withdrawn money for monthly expense in another drawer & keys with him which had never happened in so many yrs. Not that I needed any.. just that the wicked MIL was successful in brainwashing him.

I offered him to scan my bank account statements from the time I started working after /b4 marriage & then draw conclusions... which he dint.. he knew he spoke a lot of rubbish that was dumped on him by his mom... and soon reopend the drawer after a fortnight of his parents leaving.

That was the last I shared anything with him.. I learnt my lessons that he's not capable of keeping anything with himself or to understand the wicked mentality of his mom. I dont feel any cheating or need of transparency with him anymore.. there have to be some rules of married life.. if u cross those boundaries then u loose that entitlement.

 

I always share everything with my husband. He knows my password, my PIN and I know his password and PIN. I have access to all his credit card accounts. I have always had the freedom to spend on whatever I want. No questions asked but I have never bought anything without telling him. So, its always a two-way road. If he wants to spend for his parents, I don't ask him any questions. He will anyways inform me before spending. Same with me. There is no his salary,my salary, my spending, his spending. Its always our money, our salary , our spending irrespective of me working/not working.

I think it depends on the level of trust you have on your spouse. Once you build the trust between the two and disregard all the outside forces, the transparency will automatically step in. JMO

 

Transperancy in Salary Details with DH, very interesting topic. It is nice to read so many views.
When both husband and wife are earning, both side parents are well off then there will be no issues.
But if atleast one side is little less or more their starts the issues.
It is nice to be transparent about salary with DH but you should have something for yourself too.
It is evident even in the past husband and wifes are not 100% transparent in all things.
If MIL bugs DIL each time she should not tell everthing to DH and piss him off,but try to tackle it nicely.
If there is some problem on your parents side, girl should try to resolve it without letting out too many details to DH.
Not that all husbands are bad, but each of us are human.
Why give out some unneccesary details and say we are transparent.
Everything will be good when all is well. But once some issue comes up that is when all things will popup.
Not all days are rosy right. So if you feel you need some money aside, start saving something in the side.
Even today my mom does that, dad knows she saves but she does not tell him how much.
But mom has the freedom to spend on whatever she likes with that money.
It is not sin that we donot share each and everything with DH.
But it is wise to keep somethings to ourself. :cheers
Not just in case of money but other matters too.

 

Hema,

My take on your issue. It is not right to let your parents spend on your kid except the gifts. It is not even your brother's duty.

Your parents are doing a favour to you by taking care of your kid while you work. That is all. I think you and your hubby need to sit down and work how much it costs for all the basic things for ' your ' kid and give it to them as soon as your salary gets chequed in.

This way, you wont feel guilty about not spending anything for them when you want to and also dont go through the dilema of telling that to your hubby.

When this is the case, your parents buying any expensive gifts for your kid will not look like a burden or anything to you. So, first things first.. talk to your parents and tell them to PLEASE not to spend on your kid for the basic things. It is not that you dont want to use their money, because that is what you grew up in.. Just as what they did to you, you want your hubby and you to handle the duty of parents' well. Else, it will never happen and that could make you feel guilty. So, talk to them. I am sure they will understand your point.

About the spending and informing hubby about what you do with a portion of your salary, how about doing it once and see.. Buy something for yourself and just inform him. You will know how he reacts. From there on, you take a decision of what you need to talk and how you need to handle things.

Take care..

 

Hi Shilpama,

I would disagree on the fact that ur parents are spending for a kid. As Preethi rightly said, they are just Offering an help of taking care of the child. Am also a working mother and for many months i have left my child with my parents when i live in another city. Though my parents have never asked me for money to take care of the child, i always make sure i give them money for Child's monthly expenses. My parents are financially fine for their expenses and are more moralled not to ask for even a penny from us. Some money, here & there, I spend or they spend, i dont worry much...bcoz it is either given to my parents or to me...My husband never questioned me on that, and i dont hesitate to give money to my parents for my child care in front of my husband. I think he knows that i would do justice for the financial independence that he has given me. But never he told me openly how much he trusts me...Thatz anyway a different story
So may be u can sit with ur parents and find out how much it would cost for monthly expenses for your baby and give that amount to them, making ur hubby understand and realise that it is your duty to bear child care expenses.
Regarding my salary details, it is open & i dont hide it from my husband. And he tells me of all income or expense in his account...I just love his honesty in this terms.

 

Vimala,

Thanks !!

I still don't understand why my DH tries to control my spending.Unlike most of the Indian women who get married and come here,atleast as far as our friends are concerned he didn't bring me into this country as a dependant.He never helped me get a job, he never helped me in anything. I've seen Indian ladies come here on a H4, their husbands help them get a job by coaching them for interviews literally spoon feeding them and help them in everything related to their career and still let them spend the money earned as they want.
If he helped me at any point in my career then he controlling is a different story and understandable to an extent
I mean he tries but rarely achieves that's a different story but why should he be even trying? I still don't get it and I feel bad about it
No one should try to control anything in a relationship. Any such feeling should be mutual
Not sure if I make any sense :bonk