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Train A Kid To Be Strong

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by sanjuruby3, Dec 4, 2021.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I have 7 yrs girl who is very very sensitive. She is like us. When i was little, i was always a scaredy child, always bullied in school, phsyical bullying. My mother would go complain but nothing would happen. I was scared of things. If someone would make fun of me facial feature or dress or lunchbox or name, i would not bring it to school or hate myself or do all those things, would not laugh because some body made fun of how my face looks when i laugh etc. I would not complain thinking i am wrong. Thats true.
    Inspite of having so many family/relatives around in India, i was grown up insecure and zero confidence. Ok that is past story.. and india was different that time.

    Now, I want to protect my daughter and make her strong and not be affected by these silly things. Kids will do that and it is part of life, will help her grow and she will always encounter such bully people.
    She has to learn to face and keep moving but as a working mom of 2 kids, i have much less time on my hand to dedicate to preachings. and kids do not listen to mom's preachings.

    My daughter has a close desi friend X who is kind of bully. X's mom herself accepts that. X is very smart and intelligent but has problem keeping friends. So she has tagged herself to my DD who can not fight back. X's mom herself said not to bother my DD much else you will lose her as a friend.

    DD and X going to play, DD ready to wear shoes, DD got new pretty shoes and showing her to wear.
    X tells her ' i do not like your shoes' . Now she is not wearing them and wear those one less size slides everywhere and run and tripping.

    My DD got new trendy toy and took to school to show her and others. She made fun of it and instigated other kids to make fun of her. My DD got sad. She never tells me all these stories, but that day she was too sad coming from school and i asked her something about toy and she burst out. Now she is not taking it to school.

    X bosses her on playdates and makes her do things 'not allowed' or DD herself do not want. X lies sometimes and too smart to answer. So I have cut down playdates but school i can not stop. I ask her to play with everyone but X is bit controlling.

    So my worries are if she is not wearing shoes or not playing with toy, because she did not get validation, she might end up like me. Here in this country, we have so less support system.

    Other close family friend Y. She is her best friend but still she/DD feels insecure in front of her. When together, I ask to feed my DD, because she does not eat very well, she screams at me infront of others. Y s mom is feeding her, instructing her what to eat, what not to eat, not touch this sugary thing etc, i do not interrupt much specially when others around, i do nto see what she is eating what not. Only when she does not eat, i offer to feed and she pushes me, even when i ask her should i give u rice or more curry. I ask really politely.
    I am trying to understand her behaviour. Now it is bothering me.
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I was in your shoes and now am a mom of a girl child.

    Firstly do not tag your past to your DD.do not compare and try to subconsciously relive your past through her.


    your past is over.Many go through that and you are a wonderful Woman who is now married and dealing with a young kid.You are no way less than others and those who had bullied you are the truly insecure ones.

    Remember one fact.Happy people do not destroy other’s feelings.Only insecure ones do.

    You are awesome just the way you are.Period.

    Now coming to your DD..the other mom could be raising a bully and hope she is aware.Even otherwise we cannot control someone else’s child.We should only be helping our child.

    Your DD is facing a test of life which will help her groom to be a better version of herself.Do not protect her but try to give her confidence firstly.Secondly, ask her to speak up.Even if it is just something small.

    Eg: X says I hate your shoes.

    Your DD: (she can grin and say) thank you but I seem to love it.

    If the bully kid says something rude and your DD is in tears..encourage her saying “But you spoke up and am proud of you”..

    A small step is needed.That’s all.

    Let her not avoid the kid but teach her the concept of space.Teach her to be nice but not to please.

    Ask her “ what’s the worst thing that will happen?” And go from there..

    the fear will always be there even we adults do but we can fight it our way.

    Aggressive and always being loud is confused with mental strength.

    Mental strength is still doing what you want to do,happy being who you are despite what anyone says or does.

    The world is not easy.Awareness is important.

    Keep encouraging your girl.

    Maybe you can do one thing..minimize and not avoid interaction with that bully kid and the other kid might wonder what happened.Maybe she might tone it down..let your kid make friends with other kids.

    Even we adults try to avoid bullies and it’s totally fine.

    No one deserves to be bullied but what’s worse is self blaming and victimizing oneself. That is when we lose. You are way stronger than you think!

    You are awesome let me tell you again.Relax dear.

    Your DD is watching you.So give her encouragement as needed.

    Few months from now..this issue will be long gone and consider this as a first lesson of life learnt for your DD:) She will be fine.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2021
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  3. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    Anika made some good points.

    Only thing I would like to add ( maybe repeat from Anika's post ), is to believe that your kid is strong wiled and will grow out of these. We should not look at her with the same lenses as ours and with same insecurities as us.

    So, the steps you can take without showing her that you are trying hard to make things alright for her is:

    At this age kids need to hear stories of bravery. Try to find books and read them. Let them hear that truth is paramount, kindness is important and bravery and path of truth will get us through anything.

    If there are any programs in your city where they teach kids ramayana, mahabharatha, ( thirukkural in case you speak tamil ), enroll her into those.

    At this point of time, it is not necessary to keep her with those kids who bully her. Try to find other kids who could be younger to hang with.

    I wouldn't be too worried. Good Luck!
     
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  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    thanks a lot for kind words. I talk to her everyday and ask if something bothered her today or someone said something mean to her. Just to cancel out any negative thoughts she had brought in. I give her my examples ( in positive way)
     
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  5. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Op I had been in similar situation like during my childhood. I used to scared of everything and get upset if I’m teased . Of course I got out of that as I grew up and in college and had lot of changes after joining work. I was always thinking my dd should not be into such situations. I was very over protective of my dd. I taught how to get out of fear and be bold to be away from getting bullied. Then later when she joined high school I made face things on her own. Only help when she needs from me. So she is in college and is able to handle things on her own and maybe advice others too!
     
  6. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    However, things like kid not wearing shoe because friend did not like it...etc kind, How far we can go poking into that ? these instances by chance i found out.
    She does not wear a dress because her dad said he did not like it... ( I know, dads does not thinki much). but it happened in front of me, so i know. Shoes incident also happened almost in front of me. For toy incident, she was stressed out and coincidentally, i asked about you, she talked.
    I do not get time to extract things out of her and then negate her thoughts and fill in with positive thoughts.
    I try to generalize by saying if someone says some thing bad about your anything, u say, you do not need to look at it...
     
  7. AliceMargaret

    AliceMargaret Senior IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    I can understand how you feel. It is very important for children to distinguish between the opinions of others and facts. Like for example, your DD's friend X saying 'i do not like your shoe' is her opinion.
    And then there is peer pressure too - we need to teach our kids that it is okay to have a different lunchbox than others.
    Try telling your DD that the shoes look pretty on her and tell her how comfortable the new shoes are.
    Hope this helps.
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sanju - When you try to talk to kids about not giving credence to other people’s opinions, it’s best to not talk about others at all. Even if we say, if someone says something bad, we are giving importance to what someone says without realizing it. I would just tell her that it’s best to wear shoes that fit her. I always told mine it made her look like a princess back when she was into all the princesses. There are princesses wearing all colored gowns and I would say you look like the pink princess(I forgot their names now) when she wore pink shoes. That made her feel like wearing those shoes. I think regardless of what others outside the house say to the kids, if we keep using positive phrases and words around them, it will help them with their self esteem. I’ve noticed my DD had better self esteem when I started making a conscious effort of being positive especially while she was in the age range of 12-17. It was really hard to make the change but when I did, it helped her a lot.
     
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  9. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Every thing depends on that particular situation. Certain things looks different in different environment.
     
  10. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    So True... I use the time to teach her at pickup/drop offs. I talk to her if someone caused any mental damage that i need to undo.

    Other thing, i feel she gets intimidated by her close friends. Why would that be? why would she feel inferior in front of her super close/best friends? Her best friends are more vocal than her, means more demanding or clear about needs.
    Example - with more people, they would ask for certain programme on TV, rather than watching what everyone or other kids are watching. My LO does it only in front of us and in our home. When her best friends are there or in their home, she is quite. They would ask what they do not want to eat. My LO is very picky at home in front of us, but in front of others, she is shy and some mom's think i control her.
    I feel its like sibling rivalry with her best friends, love when in distress and hate when get too much attention

    I know it is just childhood and will change as they grow.
     

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