Toxic Marriages And Love

Well, I have no reply for this. In real life there are so many reasons to NOT to be open about your problems. Because people judge you, give you unwanted advice, and even label you as a bad woman/looser. No one wants that.
But in virtual life, there is no reason to be fake. In fact, no one knows you. That's why you are here.
Even if someone judges, you can always defend yourself, change your ID or even disappear from this site.

But people who have very very low self esteem, might feel inferior to be looked as a victim here or anywhere.
Perhaps, they hide certain things or even paint a perfect picture of their lives to prove themselves to be good.

 

I think it's because of the society and the insecurity. Indian society still doesn't heartfully accept or respect divorced women or single moms. Even the well educated women has to face humiliation at their works place because of their single status.

So overall may be they are saying they still love their husband -

1. With a positive hope that everything will be settled in future
2. Worried because of the society, so to continue in that particular marriage, they may project they still love their husband
3. Because of kids, whatever may be the problems between spouses, but we need to accept a fact that kids need both mother and father.

So to jsutify all the above points, sometimes they live in fantasy by making a compromise that they still love their husband and that's why continuing in that relation. Because once a lady realizes that she doesn't love her husband any more, then it really become very tough for her to live with that man.

 

"But still I love him very much " is the biggest mystery of Indus ladies.
Why proclaim love for your tormentor on a virtual forum?

I feel there could be some of the reasons...
1)One reason could be that the Op is exaggerating her woes in order to vent out and get it out of the system and hence does not want the advice to leave him.

2)The OP does not want advice for separation no matter what .
3)Sometimes Op knows she is venting one sided events that happened over a period of time .May be the guilt of not posting the entire picture or her part in the picture makes her say so.Sometimes we see the poster try to repair the image of the tormentor by adding in later posts"he is a very good father " or that he helps out at home.

 

It is very strange YM, this is exactly the question my teacher asked several years back. The answer to that is the women are too traumatized to stay put in their current position, but they can't leave either - for a number of reasons, lack of confidence, uncertainty after leaving plus the decision to leave being an *irreversible* one. Because of this they try to convince and give a hope to themselves that things are going to be good. But one should try to rise out of the situation. The problem is when the person is unable to get out of the situation in spite of a long time passing away. The key is to learn lessons and try to manage and get out with the best possible efforts. Only a person who is in that situation can understand. Some people find it difficult to keep it to themselves beyond a point, that's why the venting. It requires a hell lot of mental strength to not air your challenges to anyone and stay calm.

 

Beyond some point, one has to give up rationalizing / decision making based on logic and give in to the instincts/conventions.

 

Maybe they don't know what really love is. What is love? Love is not all fairy tale romance. Love is all about equality and respect. If your partner thinks you are of a stature where you can help them or supersede them and yet they think you don't - as in you don't exploit your position to advantage, that is love for them. So what is love? Respect for one another, that is love. The women do get that after some point, it is just that they have a hard time trying to get that love and accepting the fact that they may not get that love and they need to move on. As I said before, it is NOT that they do not understand. If they did not, they would not vent and complain. Something in their instincts tell them that all is not correct, but they don't know what to do, especially when they are told that *they are the source of the problem* - not being sophisticated, not working enough, that their irresponsibility is the reason for the problem. The fear of being labelled a failure is far greater in such women. When a person has flaws to start off, something lacking in their personality and they try to compensate that by looking for endorsement in a partner, that is where the trouble starts. Women in such cases have a hard time trying to establish an identity for themselves, that is why the abuse, and the tolerance towards the same, it is kind of Stockholm syndrome.

 

In virtual forums, there is no reason to hide your flaws or mistakes, right?
You can be honest and say exactly what has happened. No one is gonna judge you or even if someone judges you, what's the big deal? It is after all a virtual forum, and it is not your real identity.

There are cases when the OP doesn't realizes her flaws or mistakes, but often complains about H. In this case, she believes she is innocent. So, it doesn't add up when she sugar coats at the end saying he is nice, good father etc to cover her guilt.

Lastly, I believe, love is weird. We end up falling in love with a most different and toxic person by ignoring so many good souls who were after us.
Love is not about the hearts plainly... It is about attraction, the connection between your wavelengths etc...
So, no matter what, one can still feel some love for the abuser for the other reasons that they are attracted with.

 

I think, ladies need to correct from "I still love him" to "I still wanna love him"...

I have faced both type of issues ... with husband and with ILs... even we do have ups and downs now...and love is not the way it was initially... but yes whenever we are not on good terms... I miss him.. i feel alone and want him to be normal with me.. as once u loved someone from heart... you always want them back in same loving manner... where as we never have such a bond with ILs and hence we develop friction quickly..

if i talk about household ladies... as per my experience ... they never fall so much emotionally with their husbands... they have quite a different meaning to marriage.. so its easier for them to step out...

 

You could not have said it better... It is not just about knowing what is love, but how to live, having an idea of what is living. I don't know about other women, but I think I am getting a clear perspective about myself. I don't know how to live, what is right, what is wrong. I need to get out of my comfort zone. But often I wonder whether I am proceeding in the right direction? If one does not have clarity with respect to how they can live then what steps can they take to improve their life?

The first point is dependent on what is "exaggeration". For some people even the slightest expression of disagreement is torture for them. For some getting abused physically and emotionally does not amount to abnormal behavior because they have been through it before and hence it does not seem abnormal at all.. And I think pretty much many of the women/men suffer from this problem. A low self esteem coupled with the reluctance to get out of the "stable" zone because the uncertainty associated with the other options. The flaw is in their personality not the others. Not having the courage to call a spade a spade. Basically it is the victims themselves who are the problem because they are not willing to get out of the situation and not willing to work in that direction. They are looking for temporary solutions to a permanent problem rather than looking for a permanent solution.