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Tone Of Speech

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by nayidulhan, Jan 11, 2021.

  1. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Friends,
    Of late I have come to realize that I have been making the following mistakes in my conversations with people around me that are leading to a lot of misunderstandings!

    1) My tone is always high and animated. So when I say something good/positive, it comes across as pleasant/ agreeable to the listener's ears. But when I disagree it comes across and rude and arrogant. I try to speak calmly but I fail and soon return to my loud and animated tone, out of habit, without realizing.

    2) When someone is apologizing to me, I try to make the person feel at ease by making a joke of the situation, by usually making myself the butt of the joke. But I realize that instead of feeling good and comfortable, the listener takes offence as if I am trying to reject their apology and making fun when they are serious!

    3) I am actually an introvert who has to make a lot of effort to show that I have gelled well with the crowd around. [My ideal day (my most cherished dream) is to spend the whole day in bed or on the living room couch, reading books after books or surfing the net and having an unending supply of snacks, chocolates and ice cream.] To mask my discomfort (and nervousness!) I talk and laugh a lot as if possessed by the spirit of some chatterbox goblin! In the process, I end up saying things I don't even mean. eg I compliment someone for their outfit/ accessories and ask them for the source and this goes to such a level that they end up fixing my appointment with the designer of that outfit/ accessories and I end up doing myself more disservice than any good because to start with, I may not have liked the outfit/ accessories so much as to own and wear it.

    Please guide me, Friends. I seem to have lost (or never learnt in the first place) the art of making conversations.

    4) I end up saying yes and making commitments when my brain as well as heart are yelling a big no inside!
     
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    I like your introspection!

    My suggestions in BOLD:

    1) My tone is always high and animated. So when I say something good/positive, it comes across as pleasant/ agreeable to the listener's ears. But when I disagree it comes across and rude and arrogant. I try to speak calmly but I fail and soon return to my loud and animated tone, out of habit, without realizing.

    Old habits die hard. Cannot be reversed suddenly or in a short span of time. Be patient with yourself and keep making deliberate choices to talk in lower decibels. Its OK even if you fail in one or two occasions. Its OK even if the progress is at a snails pace. With determination and mindfulness you will be able to replace the old habits.

    Ofcourse the way you present it as nearly important as the content you present.
    So apparently people take it as rude and impolite.

    2) When someone is apologizing to me, I try to make the person feel at ease by making a joke of the situation, by usually making myself the butt of the joke. But I realize that instead of feeling good and comfortable, the listener takes offence as if I am trying to reject their apology and making fun when they are serious!

    You should acknowledge when a person apologises. It’s courteous to let them know you accepted their apology. Any other expression will surely rub them up the wrong way.

    Consider saying “It’s OK. I accept your apology.” Or even if you have something to say in return like how hard it is for you to forgive, you can very well explain. Tone and words you use depends on the relationship.

    Don’t go too much into the other persons mind and burn your fingers in ensuring their ease and comfort. They said sorry and just say what you have to. Let them deal with what goes inside them.


    3) I am actually an introvert who has to make a lot of effort to show that I have gelled well with the crowd around. [My ideal day (my most cherished dream) is to spend the whole day in bed or on the living room couch, reading books after books or surfing the net and having an unending supply of snacks, chocolates and ice cream.] To mask my discomfort (and nervousness!) I talk and laugh a lot as if possessed by the spirit of some chatterbox goblin! In the process, I end up saying things I don't even mean. eg I compliment someone for their outfit/ accessories and ask them for the source and this goes to such a level that they end up fixing my appointment with the designer of that outfit/ accessories and I end up doing myself more disservice than any good because to start with, I may not have liked the outfit/ accessories so much as to own and wear it.

    Being an introvert is a type of personality trait. Its a natural part of who you are. Who said being extrovert personality is superior to being an introvert?? Be yourself, introvert or not. Do not try to fit into anything you are not wired for. It’s OK to be an introvert. It’s not a disorder and It’s not wrong.

    If you want to improve yourself in anyway, start with small steps and try weaving those desired good conduct into you. But don’t compare, compel yourself into becoming something which you are inherently not and don’t beat yourself up for not being something/someone.

    Unending supply of snacks, chocolates and ice cream in your dream ideal day is something which you should consider deleting from the list and I think it has nothing to do with being an introvert or not. It’s just a bad craving which has lot of negative impact on health.

    You don’t have to mask your discomfort whatsoever. Is it coming from your thinking that you are an introvert? If so you don’t have to feel the discomfort.

    Control your impulses. Choose to stay silent instead of choosing to overtalk when in discomfort. Be aware of yourself and your words and actions. Make deliberate choices to stop yourself from unwanted initiatives. Don’t lose control on yourself.

    You don’t have to mask anything to anybody. Be yourself and keep saying “I am OK” to yourself. Control your impulses to talk. Zip your lips. Learn to listen. Practice, practice & practice with full attentiveness. You know the consequences right? Keep that uncomfortable consequences and aftermaths in mind each time you talk.

    4) I end up saying yes and making commitments when my brain as well as heart are yelling a big no inside!

    You have to learn to say NO. No choice there. Just say “ no, sorry”. If you find it really hard to say no then atleast say “wait/I’ll get back” and later gather needed courage to say NO.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The steps below helped me:

    1. Pause: Googling "power of pause" or "pauses in conversation" will return many worth reading articles. My favorite is this one: Elon Musk & Steve Jobs: Success And Embracing Awkward Science In particular, I often re-watch 0:30 to 1:04s of the famous Steve Jobs response. Video link in article.

    To be effective at pausing before responding, the directions to our mind have to be crisp: what I aim for is 5-5-5. Pause 5 seconds whenever possible, 5 minutes for phone texts, 5 hours or more when possible for emails. What I end up with is 3-3-3 which is also pretty productive.

    2. Mindfulness or meditation: A regular mindfulness practice slowly trains the mind to more frequently recognize that brief moment that always exists between impulse and response.

    3. Read once and often reread the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain.
    https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153

    Disagreeing pleasantly - I found that trying to change my natural tone is hard and can come across as fake. Instead, I try to phrase things like I have noticed my kids do. They have this "American" way of disagreeing which is polite but firm, unequivocal yet kind. "Shall we go hiking this weekend?" Instead of replying "No, I don't want to go", they might say, "I'd rather stay home."

    Acknowledging apologies: The "pause" helps. After the pause, aim to keep the response brief. Differentiate between acknowledging the apology and accepting it. My preference is to acknowledge any apology with an "OK" or "I appreciate the thought." Accepting an apology is subject to a significantly higher standard.

    Saying No - Metamorphic nailed it. No choice there. We have to learn to say No.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
  4. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    you are perfectly fine. the fact you acknowledge so much within yourself, shows you are a kind person. many just arrogantly dismiss.

    all i can say - listen and listen more.
    meditate , it does wonders but takes time.
     
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  5. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks, Metamorphic.

    Thanks for suggesting mindfulness. Mindfulness should be the key to balance in life. I must acquire the habit of mindfulness 24*7. I let my guard down easily, which is not correct. Thank you more for reminding me that I won’t get it in one go. I have failed in the past mainly because I started, failed and then instead of picking it up from there, I quit.

    I am learning now and the hard way, that one should be oneself and not pretend to be someone one essentially is not. My whole life would have been different, even radical, if I had learnt that earlier. Sigh!

    If now, I retrace into my shell and talk only when and only that I want, will I come across as someone who has changed overnight? Will people take me seriously then or will everyone think I have lost it now when in fact I would be reclaiming what I have lost all along.
     
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  6. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Rihana, I really appreciate how you always lead by example. Thanks a lot for being you. I always look forward to interactions with you.

    I will procure the book ASAP as well as try and learn from the article/ video. I like your kids’ approach. My experience (although only a couple of years long) with the Americans has had a lasting impression on my mind as I too found your ways polite, considerate, honest and always firm. I wish we Indians could learn your style of verbal communication.

    Rihana, 5-5-5 indeed sounds like a plan! A safe bet to stay away from all kinds of trouble. This will be my new habit to be cultivated and developed in 2021, besides mindfulness. Thanks a lot for teaching me this.
     
  7. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Lavani for your kind reply. Meditation has been on my wish list/ to do list since forever. I really don’t know how to start. I didn’t attempt it in the whole of last year but in 2019 whenever I did, thoughts of unfinished household chores, my child’s schedule, etc etc came flooding in!

    I want my child to learn it with me. Do you practice meditation? Please share your experiences and insight.
     
  8. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Just don’t care what others think. Do what you do for your own sake and self, never for others ... each person has different opinion about us. We cannot keep resurrecting with a different avatar for the sake of them. We are not here to please people. For that matter, some won’t be pleased even if you bend backwards... that’s the reason we see many posts here on IL.

    We are created unique and we need to identify that and hold on to it all through our life to make the difference and make a mark of our own.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    just close your eyes and sit . if you are ok sitting at floor , works. or you can buy a meditation chair. nice for back.

    do not bother about thoughts, they were coming when you had eyes opened, they are coming when closed. after a month change focus to breathe
     
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