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Tolearnce level!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by vaidehi, Aug 13, 2007.

  1. vaidehi

    vaidehi Silver IL'ite

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    Hello ilites,

    I am sure many of ilites over here might have gone thru this many times like what i face in my husbands family, i m looking out for some valuable suggestions and guidance from my friends over here.

    My in-laws get lot of fun in making comments and finding faults in whatever i do, it has been almost 4 !/2 yrs of marriage and these peopleleave no oppourtunity to complain or find faults on me. initially my mil who started hating me for no reason( i mean it) is the driving force behind all the tortures which i face . I have always tried turning a deaf ear to all there comments and gossiping and has always helped my husband in whatever way possibe from my side, but when even he joins them inspite of supporting me i get really depressed and feel no meaning inmy married life.

    My in laws get lot of fun in pulling my parents and brothers and passing comments on them, they leave no occasion where they compare or tell bad things about my parents and brothers. thats what irritates me more. i have openely discussed with my husband several times that i don't like them telling anything abt my family,since i never pull his family in any of our arugument, he tries to understand that very moment and will say sorry for it but then again continues doing it (in front of my mil).

    My mil who is very possesive lady feels very happy about all this. i have tried explaining him,and sometimes i have been very violent too ,i start shouting at him back saying he has no right saying anything bad about my parents, but the thing is then my mil expects me to keep listening to all their comments and if i answer her or my husbnad she gets annoyed and shows all kinds of drama by gossiping this to my Bil and co sis (who r in US) abt me and keep saying all bad things abt me.

    i feel very helpless since i cannot go and share this with my parents since they will feel bad ,they love me very much and have great respect for my husband.

    My husband who works in a top MNC in very good position drawing a very good salary but who doesn't have this basic ethics within him. i really feel very pitty for my parents and feel very frustrated and now adays i feel very bad and don't know what should i do to change all this.

    vaidehi
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2007
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  2. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi vaidehi,

    To tell you the truth, this is very common. Nothing new.

    You will find mostly everywhere mil behaving in similar way. So dont take it to heart. Learn to accept the fact that people who are bad try mostly to find bad things in others. You cant hold others tongue so continue giving a deaf ear. Even if it is your own husband. They are only saying this to tease you and make you angry. If your family were bad people, wouldnt they have said this to them openly. So just ignore them and saying bad to your family doesnt make your family bad people. You know how your family is. So forget it.

    I know it hurts, but is there any solution? If you tell your family they will be hurt. If you reply back to your mil, she wil in turn make things more worse. So ignoe them.

    Useless people talk useless things. When they see you giving deaf ear and not feeling bad at all, they will themself stop.

    So learn to be happy even if being happy means forgiving others for their bad doings.

    All the best:2thumbsup:

    Diana.

    P.S. If you feel hurt or bad some day, write it down on a paper or on IL and vent your frustration, you will feel better.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2007
  3. malspie

    malspie Platinum IL'ite

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    The best way to get rid of the tension is to repeat this sentence, " She is not going to live for the number of years she has already lived". It may sound cruel but it helps. And it will...

    Love and
     
  4. mithili

    mithili New IL'ite

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    hai vaidehi!welcume to the flight of drama!
    firts thing i wud liek to knw is whether u really love ur inlaws co sis etc.,(if u don talso don treall have to show it up to them as it is just a temporary situation for u)if so then let me give u one super advice just try tht out.u definetly cant give a daf ear to all these senseless remarks made by them.it is just matter of few months and tehn u will get used to it and they wud stop throwing comments at ur people.first is try to be patient fro wht they say just for few days.next is make a drama of loving them to tht extent tht they can nevr think of commenting at any actin of urs.next is make ur husband feel more secured conitnue back....
     
  5. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Vaidehi,

    You don't need to feel sorry or pity for your family as they are not in the wrong.

    But i do pity your husband who as you said ios working in an MNC at a good position with a good salary and still is stooping so low.

    If you retaliate they will tease you more...but giving them a humorous retorts at the right moment may stop them. REply in a lighter tone but the at the same time the right message should go across.

    Aap ke liye hazar jawabi hona bahut zaroori hai.

    Good luck and keep your cool.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  6. mithili

    mithili New IL'ite

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    back here, videhi,
    yeh make ur husband feel so secured in ur love tht he can neevr evr have thought of making u feel abou tany issue.it is difficult but u have to cos u have to lead ur life .....chalthe jaana hain.meanwhile have sum drama and spice up with love...it works wonders.try to be more assertive!!!reply back not to an extent tht they are hurt but they shud feel the prick.its 10 years now have faced teh same and now am taking stride of my family.i have got lots of appretiations also fro being a very guud mattupunnu (remind u not from my mil but rest all who come home to visit us!)..sumtimes u get inpatirnt with the situation tht day try to make a poin tto go out where u feel refreshing..may be ur gardn with a cup of coffee and see the butterflies and colour flowers arounfd u to soothen ur thoughts saying tht they are with u always(as far as that garden isthere!!!!!!!!!!)tk care.situation is only the feeling of insecurtiy of ur elders (in laws at home).rest make a poin to say it to ur parenst whenevr on phone in a different manner tht thy understand (i mean no tthe straight language as we talk)..yes this can happen if ur assertive...
    take care
    love
    mithili
     
  7. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Wow...I am amazed to see the kind of suggestions Vaidehi is receiving. Turn a deaf ear....love your husband so much that he trusts you....OMG!!! What century are we living in??

    Sorry; no offense to anyone who suggested these, but does a woman's self respect have no value any more? Whether her parents are aware of these or not, do they deserve these sly talks behind their backs....just because they gave birth to a girl and educated her and got her married into this foolish family? I dont think so.

    If your husband has no spine to stand up to his mother and ask her to stay out of your lives, he is not worth living with. Such men never change. With time, you will become more bitter by keeping all this within you and if you bring a child into this marriage, you will be stuck in this relationship for the rest of your life, feeling more and more miserable each day.

    If you have not been able to gel with them in 4 1/2 years, that means you are strong willed and have a sense of dignity. You have to be strong and ask your husband if he needs you or his family. If he chooses them, then his loss. You will feel sad for a few years, but ultimately you will be happy for the rest of your life that you made the right choice by leaving him.

    This may sound very harsh, but hey, life is never fair. You end up marrying the wrong ones, but that does not mean your life is over. Learn from the mistake and move on.
     
  8. SunitaGN

    SunitaGN New IL'ite

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    I understand where your suggestions are coming from Indu and personally I agree with what you are saying.

    But I still feel it is "easier said than done" in our Indian milieu. Even if the girl is highly educated, earns very well it is still hard for her to leave her husband and carry on with life... let alone if she is just a bachelors degree holder and does not really make enough for rent in an urban placement. You see, in Indian society financial independence is just the first hurdle a woman has to overcome in order to think of divorce/separation. There is this whole 'divorced woman' attitude that the society/her own family gives her ... our culture still idiotically holds a woman responsible for a divorce. Its always "she should have done something/she is irresponsible,immature/she is arrogant, intolerant, uncompromising.... she she she... its never he or his family! It is a frustrating fact!

    Even if she decides to leave her husband how can she 'make her own life' in this society/family?? I don't understand that. It is a sad fact in India, even in 2007, so many people like Vaidehi have only two options:
    1. Remain bitter in the marriage and hear snide remarks about herself and her family for no fault of hers
    2. Divorce and struggle the rest of the life hearing snide remarks about herself anyway!

    How can she hope to build a better life, find true love, remain happy in such a situation after leaving her husband??

    I am not exactly backward in my thoughts and advice, but divorce is something I would suggest to someone who is faced with physical danger and/or emotional trauma only. In Vaidehi's case it is neither.

    All those remarks etc are so 'common' (that word is such a sorry cliche) that it is almost to be expected! Why do they do it so much? To some extent it is a universal problem - MILs all over the world are insecure about their sons and thus want to show DILs in bad light/keep them from loving their sons too much for the fear that the son will give the mother's 'place' to the wife. But in India this attitude is taken a step further by in-laws and they act downright nasty to the DIL - because of where their cultural background (they are taught that sons are superior to daughers, they can OWN sons and thus his wife - but cannot OWN daughters), lack of education, peer pressure etc.

    I think we must consider all this... I am not saying this is a justification for thei behaviour or that they should be forgiven for it, all I am saying is that let's give them a benefit of doubt. That they are being mean out of a habit/compulsion of being mean... so this should not be seen as sadism - thus not leading to emotional trauma. It certainly leads to deep frustration and for this I think Vaidehi you must speak reason with your husband. Tell him yoi are suffering - I know you must have told him all this.. try going a step further and talk to him from the heart (not during an argument - raise this topic casually when you are going to bed or something) and tell him about your childhood, dreams your parents had about you and future, stuff you did with your brothers - show him your love for your family through these recollections and then tell him how it must pain you to hear bad about this wonderful family of yours! How you left all of them believing you are going in for something equally wonderful. Tell him you trust him only to make you happy (and it is true - no matter what anyone else says, a husband's love can make you ignore all that). I am sure he will be touched and will remember the conversation the next time your MIL jibes you in front of him.

    Good Luck, my girl! :2thumbsup:
     
  9. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    OMG! I know how the feeling will be because I have undergone through all these. Not from my MIL who is a gem of a lady. But from my FIL and from my MIL's mother. They had all sorts of all nonsense words just to insult me. Me being so fond of my family was hurt to a greater extent. I was shocked by the talks as I had never heard anything like this before marriage being spoken about any body's family.

    In fact my father is a very respected man and he got me married also so blissfully. But never a single word of appreciation but always full of criticisim which I could never tolerate.

    Though my MIL is no more and the two are there and MILs mother is pretty old she doesnot talk much. But my FIL cannot be satisfied even after this 10 years of marriage. Ours is a love marriange and infact both my in-laws were the first to see me even before my husband saw me and agreed that I will be a perfect match for my husband.

    I wont advise you to move out of his life and all. It will be a great loss. You have not mentioned whether you have a kid or not. If NO plan for it immediatly. Only kids can divert yours and your husband's attention. If the MIL is possesive husbands will want to take sides only with their mothers for not wanting to get their wrath.

    What I would suggest from my personal experience is:
    1. Make sure you get to have quality time with your husband.
    2. During that quality time dont talk about how he behaves or dont even argue with him for what he and his family are doing.
    3. Let it be you and him enjoying things.
    4. If it is possible try to live separately in the same street this will give you more time to be together
    5. If you are currently living alone then try to avoid their company even though your husband goes there.
    6. If he goes to be with your parents-in-laws dont stop him. Also dont avoid them fully, instead if you are going there every week end make the frequency less.
    7. Always the far green is more pleasant so be away from them but dont stop doing all the good that you can do to them. This will atleast make them think about what they are doing to you.


    ALL THE BEST
     
  10. mithili

    mithili New IL'ite

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    tht's right we have to change love ascenturies change ... we have to change culture and morality as centuries change....women are women in wht ever century....lets celebrate to spread love not hatred....u need change in ur life not set right things tht is wht it means!!!ur destined specific path,then we better follow.just change the ruleu may notice the difference urself if urliking it then the victory is urs if ur feeling the loss then u will neevr be able to forgive urself...
    again no offence...........after all human beings are we?
     

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