1. Want to be a Positive Parent? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Toddler crying in pre-school

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by riya123, Sep 15, 2010.

  1. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    464
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    I have a 2+ year old toddler. We moved to US around 10 months back. He stayed with me 24/7 all this while in US. I thought i'd put him in pre-school , so that he could socialize with other children and learn a bit. His pre-school has started a week ago. Everyday he resists a lot to go to pre-school. He cries almost the entire duration (2.5 hrs) of pre-school. I see other kids of his age playing in pre-school calmly and enjoying. Some kids do cry a little but not as much as my son. What is going wrong with my son. He is not getting involved in the activities in the pre-school . The teachers there too have tried to get him involved in activities but to no avail.. He stands near the door, crying mummy-mummy. Dont know what to do?..

    Note: I have otherwise taken him to play areas, parks he plays pretty well there. But i have to be always in his sight. He starts to search for me, if i move a little away from him in the parks.

    I'd appreciate any suggestions to overcome this
    Thankyou

    Admin Note: Read our features on the topic

    5 Reasons Why Children Hate Going to School

    Beat the First Day at School Blues

    8 Tips to Prepare Your Child for Back-To-School
     
    Loading...

  2. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    95
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    my son, 2 yrs 1 month, started playschool last week too and cried a lot. but he was better today, touchwood. give it some more time, some kids take longer to adjust.

    when he is dropped off, he should be told, we will be back in some time. u have a good time. when at home, he should be told all the fun stuff he will get to do at school. hopefully, he will start liking school soon!
     
  3. joshila

    joshila Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    I think its normal for that age child to have separation anxiety. That too hez so used to you being around, it will take sometime for him to get adjusted. No worries. For some kids it might be an easier transition, while for the rest it might take its own sweet time. He would be okay .....
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    464
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    @pmahensa- For me it is becoming more and more difficult day by day to leave him at pre-school. He starts crying in the car, when i take a turn to that street. Any tips on how you pursuaded your child to calm down and sit patiently. My child has otherwise been pretty hyperactive and stubborn. Back in India, i used to leave my son with my mother and go to work, since hewas 2 months old. But it didn't help. He used to cry terribly before i left to work. By the time he was 1.2 yrs, my mom simply gave up on taking care of him because of his stubbornness. I somehow felt that he was getting a bit neglected at my parents home. So i even quit my job to give him full time and attention. Here in US too, these 10 months have not been all that easy, neighbor downstairs has already complained becuase of his hyperactivity. He cannot sit steady for 5 mins in one place. When i take him outside, it gets even more miserable. Like he runs across the street, never listens to me when i ask him to stop, some times even gets aggressive with other kids. So, i go to parks and playareas along with my husband. He fears my husband a bit and does not behave as badly with him. Dont know how to get him to behave properly. I do not want to spank him or hit him. I think it is cruel to do so.

    @joshila - I wish it is just separation anxiety , and would settle down after a while. Day by day he is only resisting more. Above i have stated my problem in more detail. I'd appreciate if you have any better ways to deal with his stubborness.. Because of his stubborness, neither he nor i have been able enjoy his childhood.. Should i consult a child psychologist to better understand the problem?.

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2010
  5. joshila

    joshila Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    22
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    [​IMG] I think your son is exploiting your weakness. He knows mom is not going to hit me or scold me so I can take advantage of it .
    The only thing I can probably suggest is that you have to be really firm with him. If mothers can be firm with children, I think half the problem can be solved. I know it would be little difficult at first, as we always have a soft corner, over and above the child remains with us for the longer time they tend to take advantage of us. They esp. will do it when fathers are not around.
    Try to put him on time out, 10-20mins just ignore him during that period. Let him cry, roll , yell but just ignore him.I think after few times they would behave much better. Initially it would be hard on you, but JUST REMAIN FIRM. Also praise him or treat him well if he behaves good. This should do the trick. :thumbsup:thumbsup good luck.
     
  6. radsahana

    radsahana Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,218
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    hi

    i agree with what joshila says, just ignore him if he is crying or adamant. after 10 min or so, if htey think mommy/daddy is not bothered they will stop crying.

    Secondly, while dropping him in school say, "You are sitting outside" and you will pick him soon. It worked with my son.


    I think if your soon is toooo agressive, watch for sometime, and it will be better to consult "Child Psychologist", so that they can better advise you.
     
  7. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    95
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    hmnn how about someone else do the dropping off part ? in my case my dh drops him off and i pick him up.

    some kids can be very stubborn, so you have to be firm with them. my ped. said not to make any empty threats. if they do something wrong eg cross the street when told not to, you should tell him he is getting a time/out and then give it to him there and then.
     
  8. Nitha J

    Nitha J IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,733
    Likes Received:
    1,041
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Female
    I heard it from my LO's teacher... "Kids can see it in your eyes". So brace yourselves next when you go to drop him off. Do not show any anxiety on your face though your heart will be paining.
    Tell him you will be outside the door waiting for him and do not do extensive "farewell". The more you hang around him; the more he will cry.
    I make my LO pack her backpack (just a couple of diapers; extra dress and sippy cup); so that she get a feel of being "involved".
    Also; as Pmahensa has mentioned; maybe you can ask your DH to drop him off; and you can pick him.

    Wishes
    -Nitha
     
  9. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,776
    Likes Received:
    82
    Trophy Points:
    135
    Gender:
    Female
    Riya,

    i'll handle 2 issues that you have presented: 1. your son not interested in going to pre-school
    and 2. he being a bit too active (i wouldn't say hyperactive), stubborn - all that my son was and still slightly is (he's 5.5 now).

    1. Did you have the getting settled phase for your son? In germany the system is different. Pre-school or kindergarten starts at 3 or 4 (depending on toilet training) and before that it is a day care. in both the child is given 1 week to basically accept that he/she will be without the primary care-taker. my daughter has joined (2 years) just 2 days back, a day care. the first day we both stayed together for an hour. y'day for 1.5 hrs (both together). today again 1.5 hrs but the last 1/2 hr she was left alone. they have a rule for day cares and kindergarten for this adaptation phase. like today my daughter didn't cry in my absence. but still i must be with her till mid next week or so before she can stay there for the 4 hrs for which i've booked her time slot. if the child cries miserably after that as well we'll have to repeat the rules. we will be called in if the child cries for the entire duration. that's the reason i'm trying to understand how this works.

    i do not believe that if a child is let to cry for 2.5 hrs at a stretch it'll come to accept that he/she'll stay there and then mom will come to pick her up. i'm watching 2 other children at the day-care who are in their 2nd week. one of them, an year old girl, cries for about 1/2 hr. they called the mom to settle her down. it's done very very gradually even if it takes time.

    if you're still a SAHM, do you want to pull her out of the pre-school and try a mom-child play group instead. just for a short time? not all children are same.. some take really long to socialise. there is this boy at DS' kindergarden who never spoke to other kids for a whole year. it's a montessori pre-school. he'll do all the activities required as a team with his class mates but will not play with them at all. i saw him today running behind his friends, finally!

    2. for very active, stubborn children like yours and my DS.. they need 2 things first and formost - the concept of consequences and a structured way of doing things even at play time. that's the main reason montessori has helped my son.. no i didn't go looking for the system. we could find a place only in that particular pre-school:) always remember the fear factor (as you say your son is afraid of his dad so will 'behave' at the park) will not help in the long run at all. please do not take my suggestions wrong. i've been there so i'm speaking out of plain experience. my son wasn't physically troubling other children but it was impossible to manage him anywhere. play groups helped us a lot. the group instructor will always know how to handle the situation better. plus is also that you'll see worse kids and that boosts your confidence:)

    if he reacts violently at the park (and if he likes that outing) then show him the consequence. stop him physically, tell him this is unacceptable behaviour (don't tell him ever why 'you are' like this.. never.. it's the action that you must mention) so his play time is over. and we go home. strictly maintain this rule. even today i stopped my son from an activity because he was getting restless and troubling everyone. they'll scream, protest for sure. don't say a word and they'll know.

    it's quite common for kids of that age to run.. my girl gave a heart attack this evening too. for children of that age a verbal stop doesn't help always. you must physically stop and tell quietly but firmly why he was stopped. it'll happen and he'll understand but only gradually. see you're his testing ground and your reactions are his learning board:) i have done lots of mistakes with my son but have learnt as well.

    my son also could not do one activity at a time. he'll be doing a puzzle with me and suddenly will be gone to do something else. we brought in a rule that first this needs to be kept back before choosing the next one. you can be lenient here n there for sure and that you'll know as well.

    these 2 books helped/still help me a lot..

    The Rules of Parenting - Richard Templar
    The Happiest Toddler on the Block - Harvey Karp

    good luck... and if you feel that he isn't liking this pre-school experience simply keep him home and try after some time. it's no good forcing him.

    Latha
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    464
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks radhsahan, nita, pmahensa, joshila and latha for your suggestions.

    Today i am feeling terrible. The pre-school teacher who is a very patient lady spoke to me. I'll put in her words only. She said 'We are having trouble with your child. It took ten minutes for me to sit down. I made him sit in a time out today. He is being aggressive with other kids like pushing them and sometimes hitting them. He is strong physically and we need to wrestle with him. He tried to topple the dustbin and tore some books. He does not listen to our orders.
    If this continues for another week or two, we need to think about continuing his pre-school.. then i'll talk to the director. We will refund your amount donot worry on that. May be you can wait till he is ready and come back next year'.

    Than she said 'Is he having trouble following english. Because when we ask him to sit, he ignores and does not reposnd'.

    To this i disproved then and there itself ' I took a chair and ordered him to sit. My son sat on the chair. I told him to stand up. He stood up'. So i proved to her that he follows english and orders too.

    But then in front of me only ' he kept running around and tried to hit two kids'. The other child started crying. The assistant teacher said ' This is shocking behavior'.

    A bit background on hitting other children - He learnt that from another child of his age. She used to hit other kids, he imitated her. Despite telling him repeatedly he didn't leave that. When i used to take him to play areas, he would hit other children. For that immediately, i used to take him out from that area and put him in carseat. It went on to a point that i stopped taking him to playareas alone. Hoping that he would forget hitting other kids. Now he is doing it again in pre-school. No amount of time outs are working.

    Regarding tearing books- i didnt expect it. At home i have kind of made it baby proof and so never got to see it.

    I would like to tell that this child , though young to comprehend things, has arrived when my marriage was undergoing a lot of turbulence. When he was 2 months, me and H lived separately and were not on talking terms. In-laws were very hostile. I had to work to sustain myself. Me and H reconciled only a few months before coming to US. Also, i think he was bit neglected at my parents home. Dont know if that has affected the behavior of my child.

    Dont know what to do. Feeling very low and helpless..
     

Share This Page