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today's DILs - tomorrow's MILs

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pattu23, May 17, 2012.

  1. pattu23

    pattu23 Silver IL'ite

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    sorry could help but voice out my thoughts..... as you all can see, i am a new member to IL since joiing i have made it a point to read all the previous threads

    i could find one most common problem 'hubby, a mama's boy, or MIL ruining the life of a DIL'. it got me thinking as to why MILs go to extend such cruelties towards their DILs. So all in all, its just a woman who is being an enemy to another woman. wasnt this MIL once a DIL too? so if an MIL faced so much problem herself, wouldnt she want to give a better life to her DIL atleast?

    as i was thinking of all these and spoke to a few of my friends, they were all laughing and telling me - 'why so much tension ra right now only abt this, u'll know the answer in future, coz you will also be a MIL moro' - i have a son

    that really got me thinking - what kind of an MIL would i be in future....would i become cruel too....:confused2:? when i told this to my husband, he laughed out loud and he picked up our little darling in his arms and asked me 'look at him and answer the question yourself....you are bringing him up with so much love, would you want to ruin his life by living his life too?' my sweetiepie choose that moment to give me a toothless smile :lol: .... he is 11 months old

    i decided then that no matter what, i will try to give space to my son when he gets married, i will treat my DIL as my daughter too

    am i too early to think of these things....maybe yes, maybe no.....but atleast i am trying to get myself prepared for the inevitable future where i would surely come across this situation ... my husband appreciated my thinking then but ended up saying 'its good you are thinking like ths kutty but dont forget to follow it after 30 years!!:bonk

    maybe not so relevant topic right now....but still just wanted to share my thoughts
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2012
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  2. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    pattu, Acc to me -
    1. DIL can never be daughter. Accept that. If I want to be a good MIL, I will treat her as a friend and not even attempt to treat like her a daughter.
    2. I should not feel special because am the Boy's mother. I have the same position in his life like what the girl's mother holds in her daughter's life. So, Cut the chip off my shoulder and let the couple lead their life.
    3. I dont want to think of it as trying to give space to my son. ( I have a son and a daughter) Its his life and who am I to give space or take space? He is under my care till he is 18. Then he is a grown man with his way of living. I can help him, guide him when he needs and take care of him when he needs me and love him till I die. Thats it. Thats probaly why parenting is a thankless job. :) The same holds true for my daughter.

    This is how I think now and will retain the same thinking some/many years down the line.
     
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  3. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear pattu,

    I couldn't resist answering to this thread, since I will be a MIL, soon (may be, in 3-5 years).

    Recently, I read the thread "mom doesn't want to come to USA". I totally, agree with that mother's position.

    My predictions, the young parents (our kids) will become more needy and we (soon to be MIL) will be 'enough, and I need my privacy' because of pressure/stress of raising the kids involved, these days. In the future, MILs will be 'I have done my duty as raising kid(s) and now, leave me alone' generation.

    In my view, today's 'mama's boy' syndrome is mostly due to the financial dependent of their son. The current generation of moms are much smarter in taking care of themselves, if necessary and planning for their retirement/financial independence.

    I am pretty sure, I will be one of those of MIL, 'good to see you during this summer. But, we will be busy during Christmas holidays and we will try to stop by your place during our next visit to XXX' (meaning, don't bother, I am busy enjoying my retirement !!) Hahahaha...
     
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  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    There are very few dils who do not complain about their mils - and of course vice versa. After observing many such cases and thinking about it, I have begun to realize that there is no "good" or "bad" mil or dil. Each of us has our own different personalities, different perspectives and ways of doing things, much of which is influenced by the upbringing we have. Now when mil and dil both come from very different backgrounds, conflicts are bound to occur - even when there are no power games involved. Should that dimension be involved, the mixture is highly inflammable.

    Given all these factors, I doubt there will ever be a time when mil and dil will live peacefully under one roof. And the irony is that irrespective of whether the mil insists on living with the son's family or separately, they can never be right. And no matter what the dil does, she will always be wrong. This is just one more immutable law of Nature. :-/
     
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  5. Quebec

    Quebec Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi

    @mommybird,
    yeah your absolutely right.

    Even i have thought that when i marry i would tell my wife that dont think of my parents as parents.
    Cause i cant think of her parents as parents.
    For me there will be only one ma and one pa.
    So i'll say to her i'l treat your parents with respect and you treat mine with respect.

    @satchitananda,
    that is also true. As we see in movies like monster-in-law even where '' we give space'' and ''plan our retirement'' like in west the animousity is always there.

    I would prefer that maybe right maybe wrong we respect the parents or parents-in-laws opinion even if its their mistake.

    Cause always remember when you made a billion mistakes growing up they always raised their hand to support you and encourage you to take on this world.

    Its our duty to strengthen the same hands when they become weak due to age.

    Here comes the boogyman..........
    Chow
     
  6. ushae

    ushae Silver IL'ite

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    We hear the cases too MILs are so good and DILs are cruel ones.

    If you are a so good MIL, probabily DIL won't be
     
  7. pattu23

    pattu23 Silver IL'ite

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    first i am really glad to note that there are ppl who really are thinking like this these days....

    and when i meant i will treat my DIL as my daughter means that if i start considering her as my daughter right, atleast by then i might get the maturity to treat her like a DIL ..... if i start the differenciation right now only, then maybe at that time, i might become a complete :twisted: by then .... :rotfl
     
  8. raj77

    raj77 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Nice thread.Even I feel like I am also going to be a MIL in future and I don't want to behave like that and this.But you know As Ushae said,there are good MIL's who got very cruel DIL's and viceversa as I have seen both cases.I feel like first thing I should stop is "Being possessive" for my son's love or his attention.I should stop thinking that I should get his attention first than any one else.If I stop it and accept the way he shows care to his wife is common,which I expected from my husband when I married..may be I think solves many problems. Rest I am leaving for God :)
     
  9. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Nice to see this thread :)

    I do have M-I-L and even I am agree that I can't be like her daughter..But few points which I always keep in my mind-
    1. She is your DH's parent and they have done a lot for your DH. Whatever life you have now, that is because of her, her struggle.
    2. Always keep in mind that your s-i-l may also behave same with your mother or can have same thoughts for your mother as well. How will you feel.
    3. and you are also going to be a MI-L ...might be after 2 years or 20 years..but surely you will.

    I have seen lot of D-I-L who complaint about their M-I-L and says she is expecting a lot from me or from DH. What is wrong...
    This is my thought.. which I follow-u in my life to make it relationship easy between me and M-I-L and i expect same with my bhabhi's (S-I-L)
     
  10. bubai

    bubai Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with FC. The MILs start expecting "seva" from DILs because either they are financially dependent on their sons or they belong to the traditional school of thought that boy's parents are superior. I have 2 little boys and the other day an old friend of mine was teasing me saying that as I don't have any daughter, there will be nobody to talk to me when I am old...the boys will be busy with their wives....I just laughed and said "I will be very very happy if that happens. My boys will be all happy with their wives and will not bother me and I will be all happy with the free time I will have:)" I mean really, I am so busy these days, I hardly get time for myself to do my nails, to go out and meet friends, to cook something that I like to eat, to go out for a dinner date with my husband....It is all about the kids these days. I have to arrange play-dates for them. I invite people or go to friends' houses who have kids of the same age my kids are. I spend every sec of my life for them. Even at work, during lunch time, I am thinking where to volunteer in school, which museum to take them to, who to call for dinner so the kids can play together.

    Frankly speaking, the last thing I want to do is to interfere in their lives when they are married. My job is to bring them up as responsible men. That's it. I am only 34 and am already looking forward to my retirement:)
    I know neither I will not be financially dependent on them nor do I belong to the traditional school of thought. My policy is live and let live.

    --Bubai
     
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