To send or not to send: Diwali Gift for ILs

drnamshara · Oct 24, 2014

Hi All...

Please hear me out....and opine...

Last time (i.e. months before moving out) on DHs insist, on their wedding anniversary I gifted T-shirt for FIL & dress material to MIL as she had just 2 pairs to wear for her Yoga class.
Next week she comes with this: "I went to give the piece for stitching and the tailor was saying madam the stitching charges are itself more than the price of this dress material. Why do you end up buying such cheap stuff"
I was very hurt. Even if the tailor said stuff, she should have kept it to herself I thought!

Anyway....I have this feel that I should send across a gift to MIL, FIL & SIL for Diwali as hubby will be visiting them for the weekend!
Instead of getting taunts regarding the given gifts, I thought I will put some little token cash in envelop and send it across!
This is just an expression of some left over feelings I have for her..
I also know that FIL never gives her any money and she keeps pleading him for every penny for buying even daily household stuff as well...

Heart says...go ahead!
But mind recalls the past abuses....and also fears she might conclude all is hunky dori and expect me to come back home! Or may be she will have an opinion of how much I gave her etc etc....

Diwali...and Ugadi....most imp festivals and at my moms place always it was mandatory to buy new cloths or gifts for the family...DH dosnt follow all that!

So I am confused What may happen? Will she reject? Or taunt? Or hurt me again distantly?

yellowmango · Oct 24, 2014

If she wants to taunt...she will even if you send her a crown made of diamonds.If you want to send...just send without any expectation of good will.

If you are bothered about her reaction to you sending it ....send something general...basket of fruits and sweets.If you feel she will prefer a saree instead of money...do that....or else tell husband to give the money .She won't crib about his money...you send a general gift.

SGBV · Oct 24, 2014

It is up to you.

We usually have this habit to gift (basically a dress) to all the family members on a special occasion. Be it Christmas, new year or their birthday.
Having married to my DH, who is a Hindu.. I desperately wanted to buy some gifts for my PILs on Diwali, and other Hindu festivals that came on our first year of marriage.
Every time MIL never thanked us. She either found fault, criticized or shared the gift with her maids or neighbors saying they were no longer needed by her. (saying she has enough new saris, so this one is not needed).

It did not take me long to realize that her rejections are not for the materials but for the person (me) who initiated the gift. That was the last time when I thought about a gift to my ILs.

Its been 6+ years since we are married. We never gift them any on any occasions, but gift every other close family members including BIL and Co-sisters. They too appreciate our gift.

pear · Oct 24, 2014

Dear op,

Gifting is a gesture towards your dear ones.Give it wholeheartedly with due consideration to the tastes of the receiver.The gifts i give my MIL wont be expensive,but they end up as the most favorite ones because of apt selection .
Your idea of gifting her with a dress material is good,but you shouldnt have bought her a cheap material.When you gift someone make sure its a quality product.If your budget is not enough to buy a quality dress material ,you should have moved to another gifting idea .Gifting a quality pen is better than cheap products.

After giving a quality gift still the receiver is not happy and find faults with it,its better to give cash.If the reason is more complicated you cant do much,just move on.

drnamshara · Oct 24, 2014

@YM....she is a diabetic..but would happily munch away all restricted foods to hearts content! Clothes...I dare not! Least the quality be commented upon all over again!!
I handed over to DH the commonly prevalent custom of gift cash envelope for MIL & SIL....and new frocks for her 8 month old...
DH was sort of reluctant to take them at first..he asked if he should mention its my "first salary@new job" kind of gift....I said no, you may say it is my custom for Diwali...
He was doubtful if she would accept it in the first place....Said she may snap at him asking me myself to go to her and give in person, if not she wont accept etc etc

To this I replied saying, any such words exchanged, you may kindly bring the gifts back. I shall not mind at all
(and internally I was thinking, if she dosnt accept or throws it around, it will only mean that I may now concrete-ize my distance and feelings towards her for a lifetime! Case dismissed.)
On that note he took it...now time will tell if things will turn like yours @SGBV

anahita5 · Oct 24, 2014

why so much thought into gifting thoughtless people. generic is best.

yellowmango · Oct 24, 2014

To this I replied saying, any such words exchanged, you may kindly bring the gifts back. I shall not mind at all
Click to expand...

In that case....go with cash.

drnamshara · Oct 24, 2014

pear said: ↑

Your idea of gifting her with a dress material is good,but you shouldnt have bought her a cheap material.
Click to expand...

pear said: ↑

dress material is good,but you shouldnt have bought her a cheap material
Click to expand...

It was from her regular shop and just like she prefers and always wears!! She was in need of more cloths for her yoga! Hence that was apt for her!
And why would you assume it was a cheap thing!! I dont even know if it were the tailors words or her own created words regarding the material!!

Previously on a trip from Agra we had gifted her very beautiful and enormously expensive saree. DHs selection too. We were so happy to have bought that!! She tagged it so badly and hurt us and demanded why we did not bring better gifts for her and why dozens of cloths only for SILs new born!!!!

We had got similar saree for SIL too.....and on her request a couple of feeding gowns from Delhi as well....
I was shocked when MIL demanded why we did not bring Anarkali suits for SIL!
I had justified saying SIL is just 1 month post-delivery and size would be a problem...to which MIL had frowned at me that if not now she will wear it after 1.5-2yrs! Whats your problem if you had bought she asked!!
Plus waged a war at DH for being a nitwit and having gifted his "suhagan" wife a Black anarkali!!!
So gifting her is a big stress in itself!!
Cash is the easy way out! She may buy or save...as she prefers!
Anyway DH got a new coffee maker for her too...

urenigma · Oct 24, 2014

Go ahead..i think its nice to gift on occasions..no matter how worst the person is! I understand the rude behavior from her side so stick to the generic ones! May be if she finds this as a chance to throw tantrums, you can try gift cards(amex, axis) it can be used anywhere... or gift vouchers. Or as you said cash.. she can decide to either save it or spend it.

DKI · Oct 24, 2014

Some people will not be satisfied what ever they get. They will look at the gift for a long time, until they find something wrong with it.

For Diwali we gave PIL a bottle of perfume each, and some cash. MIL promptly took all the cash from FIL too. The perfume was one that was in my co-sister's bathroom and which she had said was beautiful...so DH bought it when he saw it in a store a couple of weeks back.

This was her reaction:
"Wow! Just like in P's house! Fantastic....(5 mins later)--- Only 1 bottle? (another 5 mins later)---Box says 'Made in India'. I don't want it. Get me something that says 'Made in USA'

SO....even though we got her something she had said she would have liked, she managed to find something in it to not like.

When you give the gift to them, you are giving with the generosity of your heart. Give it with a good, clean conscience and let her say what ever she wants. You know that what ever she gets, there will be a complaint. So IF she has no complaints - then worry.

HAPPY DIWALI!