To marry or not marry...again..

Your super handsome hubby is not with you...he is there to share everything about your lif.......

 

I will advise based on my own experiences...

I am married since last year, though this is my first marriage. However, in the past there have been a few Indian men who I've had interest in and who have also been interested in me. The first guy when I was only 19 (11 years back as I'm 30 now). At that time, I had noble ideas that looks should not matter in love. I met this guy on the internet, and we chatted online for many months (and I had not even seen his picture! though he had seen my picture and thought I was very beautiful). After months of talking to him we had started developing feelings for one another, though I had not even seen his face! When he finally emailed me his picture, I cried. There was no attraction whatsoever. He looked average, but had more of an 'uncle' type of look while I looked very much like a young girl. Since I had told him that looks don't matter, I still went ahead and met him. He wanted all kinds of physical affection with me, but I felt so uncomfortable being close to him as there was nothing from my side. It was terrible. I went through months of back and forth without being able to make a decision about whether to get into a relationship with him or not. My head kept telling me that I should not judge someone on the basis of looks, but inside I didn't like the feeling of affection with him, as there was no attraction at all. My uncertainty about him hurt him deeply, and he ended up trying to hurt me in return. It was a bad situation all around, and I spent 4 years of my life in pain over that guy, as he quickly found another girl who was attracted to him to get over his heartbreak from me, and then ended up in a bad marriage with her and got a divorce (his mom told me that he kept thinking of me). I spent another 6 years feeling guilty for causing him pain (though I apologized to him 2 years ago, and he is re-married again now and there is no more hard feelings between us). I wish that I had only tried to be friends with him and could have realized from the beginning that romance was not to be between us.

The second Indian guy I met when I was 23. He was also average looking. But I found him reasonably attractive. The relationship didn't work out from his end, as his family was Kannada Brahmin and didn't accept me as my family was Punjabi (and I grew up in the US). But as far as his looks was concerned, it could have worked. The third Indian man was my husband who I met at 29, and he is very handsome (as everyone says). But I chose him for his heart, not his looks... although I am very happy to have someone who looks good. Everyone tells me that my husband is so handsome and girls are often flirting with him, but to me he looks reasonable enough. Sometimes I see men who look more handsome than my husband, but he has my heart and I have no interest in anyone else.

In the end, I realize that looks do matter... but only a certain amount. As you have seen yourself, your ex husband was very handsome but that did not guarantee a happy marriage, since you both split. So a person's heart is much more important than looks. However, there still needs to be a baseline level of attraction. It does not matter whether society finds the person attractive or not. YOU are the one who has to find the person somewhat attractive... enough to have physical relations with that person. Once you are married, you will be the one cuddling in your husband's arms and having sex with him. Does the idea repulse you? If so, then you need to be honest with him and break off the budding relationship before either of your hearts get involved and either or both of you get hurt. I do not want you to get hurt or hurt him, as what happened to me with the first guy. So if you know for sure that physical relations with this person are not possible, then do the proper thing and tell him that the romantic chemistry is not high enough to pursue the next step (just try to say it in a non-offensive way, as telling a person he is unattractive will only hurt him). However, if you are neutral about the idea of physical relations with that guy, then there is a possibility that you can have a beautiful relationship with him. Love grows after marriage if you are with the right person, and with more familiarity there will also be more comfort with the idea of physical closeness.

Although it's not necessary to be 100% attracted to the other person as long as the person is good-natured, just honestly ask yourself whether there is reasonable enough attraction for you to be with the other person or not. Repulsion won't work, as you cannot spend your life avoiding physical relations with your husband. But a neutral to somewhat attraction should be sufficient, I believe. If he is a genuinely good person, then your attraction to him will only grow, provided that it has some baseline level to start with.

 

Don't confuse yourself... Inspite of your ex being handsome, think of his attitude towards life and how he ruined yours. Beauty does not last long. If you ask me, I would prefer my H to be handsome to me alone not for the world. End of the day you need to be happy and a shoulder to lean on. If you think that his looks are the only issue that is bothering you, dont you think its silly.

First ask yourself whether you want someone who looks handsome but having bad attitude and character or someone who is average looking and loves you as you are. Apart from beauty, if you think you can live with him for the next 30 yrs then you should consider it.

 

As per my experience, your life will be good if you marry a good, intelligent guy than a handsome guy. Your life will be so nice if he understands you in all the situation.

 

Physical attraction is important

 

Hi Peace,
I feel the same by seeing other guys that my ex was good looking..Now, nothing can be done...
Attraction is basic thing in any marriage. Give some more time for yourself and find it out if u get any feelings for him or not.. If not please leave this.. One need not be super good looking as ex but he should be good enough that u are physically attracted to him.since the languages are different , i feel that this is also a barrier..
U can check my previous post, though this guy is good looking, earns much better than ex but different mother tongue and habbits.. I could not feel that connect. I donnot want to mess up two lifes again.

 

depends on your priority list...if looks matter to you,then YES,it DOES matter to you!!..no two ways about it..no point in fooling your heart into submission of guilt for falling for looks rather than the character...because,he too deserves a wife who appreciates his looks apart from character...there shouldnt be a sense of regret or supremacy after marriage towards him from your end then...

so if looks are a priority for you,then fair enough...its not wrong...but dont try to fool yourself into marriage by feeling guilty or thinking character is what i should be going for,when clearly looks matter to you like a normal human being...then,it will be like spoiling both urs and his life.

 

Dear op,
When my parents were looking for a groom for me, i was still young, immature and unsure of all the things I wanted in my partner. If I look back now, the way I chose my husband looks so risky and scary! I lucked out, but its scary to think of what I could have gotten myself into from how immature I was. My parents gave me complete freedom to make my own decision. I was so free to decide on my own, that I was really confused and felt that my parents are not helping me enough to make a good choice. Anyway, everything has turned out well at the end so I thank God for that. Having said that, I knew one thing for certain. That looks did not matter to me that much, but attraction and chemistry did. In fact, that was important enough to be a dealbreaker. Before I met my husband, I have been in relationships with men from both categories. Very handsome and average looking. No relationship was better than the other based on looks. For me, I felt attracted to them and that made them handsome for me, but I would hear from my friends if they were droolworthy or not and my statement about their looks is based on that. My husband is a very good looking guy. I noticed it the first time I saw him, but that was not enough. I felt a very strong chemistry between us which I did not feel in case of other prospective grooms and that was very important for me to go ahead with this match. So if you are not attracted to this guy, I would say there's something missing there.
Also keep in mind that your super handsome ex did not give a long term deal with your marriage.

 

Well, your ex may have been great looking. But were you happy with him? There was a good reason why you left him, right? So just think of that when you tend to compare a prospective with him vis a vis looks. I agree some degree of physical attraction may be important, but is it the be all and end all of everything? No one can ever expect to find an all in one package deal.