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To keep trying or time to leave? :( Ladies is there any happiness after divorce?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by desigirl25, Sep 13, 2013.

  1. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I have posted some threads on this forum in the last few months detailing the problems I m having with my husband. Basically my husband was of very suspicious nature before marriage and he contacted a guy I dated in the past who lied to him and told him bad things about the kind of relationship me and him had (which was basically nothing!). My husband went into depression before marriage but by that time I really loved him and belived he would let go of the past (as it wasnt even true) and he promised he would.

    Now it has been 1 year 3 months since we have been married and he is still unwilling to let go of it. Whether I am talking about watermelon or swimming he will find a way to link it to the past - which I have learnt to deal with now. BUT in the past year my relationship with my inlaws has completely been destroyed after we moved out of joint family as we weren't getting along. Now I am completely cut off from them and instead of trying to fix our marriage my husband wants to go stay every weekend at his parents home (alone as I have been uninvited in their home now and he wants to keep his family separate from me) and plays cricket on the other day. BASICALLY my life has become hell as the day he comes back from his parents house he will fight with me...we will fight when he says he is going there for the weekend - we are both engineers and have a hectic week...I expect we will do something together in the weeknd - else why even stay married ?? He IS trying to make an improvement a little bit...but when I say improvement....that means when i go to work and say 'Bye' he responds properly and says bye...when I call him he'll pick up and answer...after dinner he will sit and watch a movie together (on weeknights) - small things that every couple takes for granted...these things are HUGE gestures of him ''trying'' in my relationship.

    I'm sorry I know I am rambling but I just want to scream and wish I could run away form my life...I don't know how to fix him. I think he has a mental illness that he got depression and is still caught up on someting some random guy said which is all lies..... I really wish I was strong enough to walk away and slap a divorce in his face but some part of me keeps thinking (wishing and begging) that with time things will fix.

    Do you guys, especially those who have read my other threads think there is any hope. I really admire those of you who have had the courage to walk away from a loveless unhappy marriage. I don't know if I lack confidence or what because why am I unable to do it. I am living in Canada...and even girls in India are not worried aobut society or remarriage. Most girls that I know who are divorced are all remarried. (No, I am not worried about finding another guy right now...but ofcourse in the future I want to have a family). I am now 26...I was 24 when I got married. I am wasting the most crutial years of my life..my parents are so mentally exhausted and I feel so bad that they are going through this pain too. They are not worried about society and care only about my happiness. They tell me to leave or else I will become mentally ill too but I'm not able to...so they are also supporting me in trying to work it out. BUT every time before a weekend when things seem to be getting better we have a fight as he wants to go spend the weekend at his parents. He needs to know his parents are not running away anywhere...but our marriage is about to break up - but he is never willing to discuss our marriage.

    My mind becomes numb when I think of my marriage. I just started a new job and am fully concentrating in that when I am at work and blocking him out of my mind. I am also on my way to reaching my pre wedding weight...these two are my goals right now to get him out of my mind. But evenings are torturous. What should I do? If there is anyone who chose to walk away, can you tell me if you are happy now?? I hate the uncertainity of not knowing what will happen after I leave. What if I never fill my dream of having a family/kids? :'(
     
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  2. momandme

    momandme Silver IL'ite

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    desigirl, my heart goes out to you. Yes, there are two ways to deal with this: 1) Walk out 2) Work it out. Whatever you choose, at the end of the day, it has to be 100% your decision. The rest of us can only give you advise.

    A couple of things I want you to think about:
    a) What is holding you back from actually walking out? And does it matter?
    b) You worry about not having a family tomorrow, but if you don't have a family life today also, is it really worth it?
    c) If your husband has insecurities, why? Yes, someone told him rubbish about you, but is there something in your actions that still offend him? Ask him to his face and fix it if you can. If not, leave!
    d) See a family counselor and discuss it. Maybe a professional can sort it out for you.
    e) Don't wait to be invited to an in-laws house. Think of them as your family and just go! Would you wait for an invite from your own parents? If this marriage is important to you, swallow your pride and follow your husband! Eventually, he will want to spend some alone time with you as well, if you can earn his trust.
    f) Work days are hectic for every working couple, but it should not stop you from spending atleast half an hour watching a comedy series on tv together or eating together. Insist on it! Find out what programmes he likes to watch and sit and watch it with him.
    g) Dress well, don't lose your temper and speak politely at all times.
    Last, but not least. Show him you care.....about him and only about him. His suspicions won't go away overnight, but you should see an improvement..... if he starts seeing that he is the most important person in your life.
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    This marraige is beyond repair.move on!!!!
     
  4. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm baffled when someone asks this question as a criteria to terminate a relationship. You must walk out based on what you have now and not what you may or maynot have tomorrow. Often when people here in the forums reason staying in abusive marriages - 'Anyways when I do not want to re-marry why walk out'. These are the same people who find love and resurrect in the most unexpected way. They are the ones who end up marrying their divorce lawyers, fall in love with the cute guy from new company, or experience et tu -lemon grass with mango shorbet fellow addictive soulmates.

    To ease you, stop factoring in the parameters that are not applicable in your current dilemma. Work out what this marriage means to you in the current state and if it can be salvaged. You must never ever walk out in the hope of having someone out there to hold you or never ever stay in the hopelessness of not having anyone out there to embrace you. Future is not uncertain! Future is yet unworked. And depending on your decision to stay or walk out you can build it accordingly. Good luck!
     
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  5. jillma

    jillma New IL'ite

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    Oh! the decision has to come from inside - to be or not to be - until then you would be thinking whether to make or break -- whatever it is, please do not regret about it or lament about it :) Hope you get the clarity of thought to take the right decision :):)
     
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  6. Nemo123

    Nemo123 Gold IL'ite

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    It is millions better to walk out from a marriage when there is no respect/love for each other.
     
  7. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    what makes you bear this guy? :drowning:drowning
     
  8. nicegirlradhi

    nicegirlradhi Gold IL'ite

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    happiness is there...if you want and strive for it
     
  9. Maddy2087

    Maddy2087 Platinum IL'ite

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    If you feel stuck and suffocated in this marriage then trust me divorce will be immensely liberating :)
    I am heading for a divorce and you wouldn't believe i am the happiest person on earth right now, my life is focused and i know my purpose of life in this birth :)

    I cant wait for the day when i will be hosting a divorce party ! Party all night .. we do party all night !:thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2013
  10. Maddy2087

    Maddy2087 Platinum IL'ite

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    That's such a wonderful thing my 200th post was about hosting a divorce party ! :)
     
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